Pretense (14 page)

Shay was so proud of her, she could have cheered. She forced her voice to be calm as she asked, "Just church, or Sunday school too?"

"Both," Marrell answered on a deep breath. "I think both. I'm not going to learn if I'm not there."

Marrell looked into her friend's eyes, and Shay smiled. Was there any way to tell her what this meant? Was there any way to express how many years her heart had yearned and prayed for an opportunity?

"What time should we be ready?"

"Sunday school starts at 9:30, so I'll be here at 9:10."

"What should we wear?"

"Anything. Be as dressy or as casual as you like. If you're uncertain about it, call me. I'll wear pants or whatever you decide."

"Thank you, Shay."

"You're welcome. Are you going to be all right this afternoon?"

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Marrell glanced at her girls. "Yes. I can see that Micki and D.J. and I need to talk, but I'll be fine. And we'll see you in the morning."

"Okay."

Shay gave her a quick hug and went to hug the girls as well. They loved Shay and accepted her embrace, but just as soon as the door shut, they approached their mother.

"I don't understand what's happening," Delancey didn't hesitate to say. Marrell had just hugged her, and now she felt as though she needed to cry.

"Mom?" Mackenzie asked, her voice filled with dread. "Is something wrong with you and Dad that you're not telling us about?"

"No," Marrell could honestly tell her, but she also knew it was time to explain. Mapping out her fears and feelings from the last several years, she knew that the girls' world was too calm and settled to know the unrest she had experienced.

"And you think you'll find help at Shay's church?"

"I don't know, Micki, but I'm going to start there. I don't even have a Bible, but I know Shay reads hers all the time. Her life is so peaceful even when things at the office are hectic. She's able to remain calm. I want that."

A look passed over Mackenzie's face that Marrell had to question.

"Are you angry, Micki? Are you hurt?"

"A little," she admitted. "I just think that Dad's feelings are going to be hurt. I mean, isn't he enough? Aren't D.J. and I enough?"

Marrell wrapped her arms around her oldest daughter and just held on. How to explain? How to make her see? Marrell didn't have a clue. She swallowed hard to keep from sobbing.

"I don't know what else to say to you, Mic, except that, no, you're not enough."

Tears filled Mackenzie's eyes, and Marrell took her face between her hands.

"Listen to me, Mackenzie Rose Bishop. This is not about you. No mother in all the earth has girls more precious than mine, but it's not about you. It's about me.Ihave something missing inside. I have a place that needs to be filled. You are wonderful, and so is D.J. I wouldn't trade you for anything."

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Mackenzie nodded and laid her head on her mother's shoulder, much as she had done as a small girl. Marrell slipped an arm around her and another around Delancey. The three sat together like that for some time. Delancey was the one to break the silence. "Do Micki and I really have to go with you?" "Yes, honey. I don't want you to stay alone for that long." Her small chest lifted with a large sigh. "It's going to be so boring."

Marrell opted against commenting, but she didn't think anything could be further from the truth.

There were no crashes of thunder or sparkling new revelations for Marrell on Sunday morning. She met a lot of kind people and listened attentively to everything going on around her. She watched Shay like a hawk but saw nothing new. Shay was still Shay-warm and smiling and listening as intently as she was.

Was there ever an end to what you could learn?
Marrell wondered. Shay nearly hung off her chair, and she had been at this for several years. Marrell realized she was viewing this as one would college: Attend for three or four years, take your exams, and have your Christian diploma handed to you.

Even as Shay dropped her and the girls back at the apartment, Marrell knew it wouldn't be that easy. Shay was going to pick them up for church that evening and again for Wednesday night. She knew the girls were not thrilled, but Marrell was too busy with her own thoughts to give them much attention. She would go to church with Shay tonight and again Wednesday; of that much she was certain. What she would say to Paul, however, was still a complete mystery in her mind.

Heidelberg

"Don't make it more complicated than it is," Allen Post said to one of the men in the group. Paul hadn't asked the question, but he hung on every word.

"Salvation and a life lived for Christ are very basic-not easy, mind you-but uncomplicated."

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The other man nodded and listened as Allen read a fewverses from the book of James. Paul hadn't taken in everything.His mind kept darting off-but what he had heard madesense than he had expected. He was thankful that his CO not pressed a bunch of questions on him. Indeed, afterintroducing Paul to the one man he didn't know, Allen had left to listen in peace.

"Well, it's late, gentlemen. I think I'll close in prayer, and can think on this and jot down any more questions you n have for next week."

"I can't make it next week, but I'll be here the week after."

"All right. How about you, Vince?"

"Next week is fine."

"Paul?"

"I'll be here."

"Okay, let's pray."

Paul bowed his head but didn't hear a thing. He wasmentally figuring what time it was in California. Very early in morning if his head was working right. It didn't matter. Itwastime to call his wife.

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Eight

As
soundly as Marrell slept-she'd been in bedonly an hour-the phone ringing right next toher ear brought her instantly awake. She picked it up after only one ring, her heart beating a little too fast.

"Hello."

"I'm sorry it's so late." Paul's soft voice came from across the miles.

"It's all right," Marrell said, and she meant it. "I've been hoping you would call. It didn't matter when."

"I tried you for hours yesterday and then fell asleep."

"I'm sorry," she replied, sounding crushed. "We were out all day and into the evening."

"I shouldn't have taken so long to call in the first place."

Marrell swallowed, reached for the light, and pushed herself up against the headboard. It was just after midnight.

"Why did it take so long, Paul?"

"I was upset."

It was the worst thing Marrell could have heard, and she had no idea how to reply.

"I didn't call to tell you that though," he went on softly. "I called to apologize because I haven't been honest with you."

Marrell's heart plunged. Those were the words a woman thought she would hear when her husband had been unfaithful. Marrell was so emotionally distraught that her imagination was lying to her.

"I was angry about your letter," Paul continued at last, "but then I stopped lying to myself and admitted that I've been searching too."

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"Have you, Paul? Have you really?" Marrell felt as though she'd run ten miles.

"Yes. I went to a Bible study at my CO's."

"What did you think?"

"It makes more sense than I thought it would."

Marrell's breath left her in a rush, but she managed to say, "Paul, the girls and I went to church with Shay on Sunday."

"Did you, Mary?" He was as breathless as he sounded. "You went to church?"

"Yes," Marrell said on a sob, and Paul couldn't hold his own tears. Neither one could speak for some moments.

"I was just sick when you didn't call." Marrell pushed the words out. "I thought I had lost you."

"I'm sorry; I'm sorry. I should have called. I was upset, but I should have talked to you."

Marrell was overcome again. Tears poured down Paul's own face, but Marrell was aware only of her own.

"I'm already late for work," she finally heard him say.

"Oh, Paul, no!" she wailed softly. "We have to talk."

"We will. I promise you. I just wanted you to know that I love you. Do you hear me, babe? I love you."

"Yes," she answered, wishing desperately that they could be together.

"I'll call as soon as I'm off. Just be home all morning and I'll get through. Promise?"

"Yes. I'll be here. I love you."

"Oh, Mary, I would do anything to see you right now."

She couldn't answer.

"I have to go."

"Okay," she said softly. "Call as soon as you can."

"I will. 'Bye."

Marrell just got the word out before the connection was broken. She felt like her heart would explode. He loved her! He was searching on his own! He was calling in the morning! She had thought he would never forgive her, but he still loved her. For the first time Marrell tried to pray.

Please let us both do this. Please let us end this search together. Don't let me lose my husband, God. I love him so much. The girls and I need him. If You love us, please help us.

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Marrell didn't remember the last things she prayed before she fell back to sleep. She slept hard until almost three o'clock, when she woke and found the light still on. After a quick trip to the bathroom, she slipped back beneath the sheet, turned the light out, and eventually slept again. Her mind was so full that she wouldn't have believed it possible, but sleep she did, unaware of anything until she heard the girls getting breakfast.

Marrell allowed Mackenzie to answer the phone. She had warned the girls to keep the line open and then told her eldest, when she asked, that she could answer all calls. The one they had been waiting for came at 10:10.

"Hey, Micki!"

"Hi, Dad! How are you?"

"I'm fine. How are you?"

"I'm fine. Where are you?"

"At the base. In my room."

"You never sent us a picture."

"I'll do it soon. Are you getting ready to start school next month?"

"Oh, Dad, don't remind me."

Paul laughed. "How's D.J.?"

"She's fine. She's right here. Want to talk to her?"

"Sure."

"Hi, Dad!"

"How's my D.J.?"

"Fine. I miss you."

"I miss you too. Are you a foot taller?"

"No. Mackenzie is."

Marrell stood by patiently, letting the girls pass the phone back and forth until they had both had their say. She wanted no complaints when she took the phone and sent them on their way. It took several minutes, but she was finally in the privacy of her room and had the phone in hand.

"I think they could have talked to you all day," she said lightly, wondering at how tense she was.

"I can't believe how much I miss them. I show their picture to everyone. They all think the girls are beautiful."

"Well, don't you agree?"

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"Yes, but whenever they say it, I always think, 'You haven't seen my wife.'"

"Oh, Paul."

She heard him sigh.

"I miss you," he said.

"I didn't think it would be this bad."

"Me either. You haven't written as much as I thought you would."

"I'm sorry. I've been such a mess, and until I sent that letter, I didn't know how to put it on paper."

"What did you think of Shay's church?"

"I liked it, Paul. I liked my grandmother's too. The girls think it's boring and the people weird, but I listened to every word. We went to Sunday school, church, and even evening church with Shay. We plan to go to the Wednesday night service tomorrow night."

"You'll have to tell me what it's like. I haven't quite made the leap to church attendance," he admitted, "but I told Allen Post that I would be back at Bible study next week."

"What did you talk about?"

"Well, there are two other guys besides the general and me, and one is really angry about something. I think he's lost someone and he's mad at God, but the other guy asks a lot of the same questions I have on my mind, like how do we know that the Bible can be trusted-you know, things like that."

"What did the CO say?"

"I was amazed, Mary. He had so many verses he turned to. I don't have a Bible, but he loaned me one at the house and even offered to let me take it with me."

"Did you?"

"No, I just wanted to talk with you, so I said no without thinking."

"I was thinking that I don't have a Bible either. Remember years ago when I took the Gideon Bible from that hotel? I felt so guilty I threw it away. I wish I'd kept it."

"I'll bet Shay would have an extra you could use. Actually," Paul said on a laugh, "it's not as if you're living in outer Mongolia. You could go buy one."