Pretense (16 page)

Paul stood. "Thank you, sir."

Allen only smiled and sat in his desk chair when Paul was gone. His eyes closed over the joy he felt inside.
I knew he needed You, Father, but I didn'tknow how long it would take. You are so gracious, so holy. Thank You for this new life in Paul.

Allen Post went back to work then, but his heart was still on Paul and what God had done in that man's life. He also prayed for Paul's wife, so far away, who needed to come to the same decision.

San Francisco

"The decision is yours," Pastor King spoke from the pulpit. "God won't force you to accept His Son. That's the kind of loving God we have."

With those words, Marrell shut down. How many weeks had she sat here-Mackenzie angry with her most of the time, Delancey falling asleep-desperately working in her heart to understand it all? How many nights had she read her Bible without a clue? She was glad for Paul's decision, but even though they had talked on the phone for hours and written back and forth for weeks to follow, she still didn't get it.

Why was Paul able to understand and accept this gift of salvation, but for her, it was like some elusive dream? He would be home in less than a month. Would it be better then? Marrell didn't

110

think so. They had plans to head to Lake Tahoe and ski for five days. The girls were ecstatic. Marrell wasn't even looking forward to it. She could well picture the strain. As he was on the phone and in his letters, Paul would be brimming with delight, and Marrell would still be groping to find her way.

Without warning the sermon ended. Marrell worked to hide the confusion in her face when her daughters, Shay, and Oliver all stood. Marrell stood as well, but she could feel her face heating. She let her hair fall forward when she returned her hymnbookto its rack and, for a moment, missed the way Shay turned to her.

"I'm so proud of you," her friend said softly.

Marrell looked up in surprise. "Why?"

"Because you keep coming." Shay's voice was still low. "You come week after week, and you ask questions and keep searching." This said, Shay wrapped her arms around her friend.

"I've never been so confused in all my life, Shay," Marrell admitted softly. "I just can't seem to believe. I want to. I want to do this for Paul and for you, but I just can't."

Shay had heard this before, so she looked her friend in the eye and said, "You have to do it for
you,
Marrell. You have to see your need for a Savior for your sins."

"But what if I put all my trust in Him, and He lets me down, Shay? What happens then?"

"He's not going to, Marrell." Shay stopped for a moment while Oliver called to the girls. They had been standing in uncomfortable silence and now scooted around the women and went to the church foyer with Shay's boyfriend.

"Are you still reading your Bible?" Shay changed tactics.

"Yes."

"Just keep on. God's Word is powerful, and all that He has for man is written in the Book. Remember, it's God's Word about Himself to man, not man's word about God. Just don't give up, Marrell, and you'll find the way."

Marrell nodded, and Shay hugged her again.

"I think I embarrassed the girls."

"Too bad," Shay said ruthlessly.

Marrell's eyes widened as they looked at her.

"I'm sorry, Marrell, but Micki and D.J. are too worried about what people think and not enough about what God thinks. That's

111

a miserable way to live on this earth and nothing short of torture in eternity."

"Oh my, Shay," Marrell said softly, but she was not angry. It was such a true statement. The girls
were
too concerned with their own little worlds.

"Come and join Oliver and me for lunch. He's taking me to Zim's for a burger."

"Oh, Shay, Oliver doesn't want that. He wants time with just you."

"We spent the day with his folks yesterday, Marrell. I know he would enjoy having you and the girls."

"Are you sure?"

"I'll tell you what. I'll go and ask him, and he'll be very honest. If I've blundered, I'll tell you."

"All right."

Marrell sat down when her friend left and just looked around the near-empty church. Paul would want to attend when he came for Christmas; she was sure of that. But whether or not it would be better once he was home, Marrell could only hope. The thought that he might be so different that he wouldn't want her anymore caused her throat to close.

I
really am a very insecure individual,
she thought to herself.
Paul tells me he loves me, but it's not enough. I read that God's Son died for the whole world, but I feel left out.

"We're all set," Shay called from the end of the pew. "To Zim's for burgers and shakes." Even the girls showed some emotion. Shay's voice had turned wry.

Marrell managed a smile, picked up her purse and Bible, and joined her friend in the center aisle of the church. She was glad for the momentary distraction of her thoughts, but she couldn't say she was joyously happy. Right now it felt as though she'd never be able to say that again.

112

Nine

For a moment Marrell couldn't breathe. Her husband's arms were finally around her, and she was afraid to draw a breath lest she wake up and find him a wonderful dream. But then he was kissing her again.

"Your plane-" she managed as he lifted her in his arms and carried her to the living room sofa. "We were coming to get you at eleven."

"I had a chance for an earlier flight and took it." "The girls are going to go ballistic when they see you." "Don't wake them," he said softly. "Right now I just want you." Marrell still wasn't sure if she was dreaming. The clock had read 3:45 when she thought she heard a knock. Her heart pounding in fear, she listened while it came again. Ready to call the police if anything looked suspicious, she turned on the outside light and peeked through the viewing hole. Her brain registered the uniform just a moment before Paul said, "It's me, honey."

Now a light suddenly came on in her eyes, and Marrell squinted against the glare. Paul had reached for the lamp on the end table and turned it on. He smiled at her disheveled appearance, a warm, intimate light in his eyes.

"I forgot that you wear my old T-shirts when I'm away." "I have to, or you feel ever farther away." She studied him for a moment. "You're different."

"I am, Mary. I've never known how to love you and the girls before, and now I do."

"That's not true, Paul," she protested. "You've always loved us." "Yes, I have, but not like I can now with this new knowledge."

113

A noise by the front door caused Marrell's head to turn. It was nothing, just night settling noises, but it caused her to ask Paul if he'd locked the door.

"I'll check it. You go climb back into bed, and I'll be right with you."

"Are we going to talk?" Marrell came right out and asked.

"If you want to," Paul answered, wondering at her tone.

"I don't."

Understanding came in a flash. His mouth spread with a smile. Marrell smiled right back. Paul was off the sofa and seeing to the door just a second later.

"Dad?"

Paul woke to the sound of Delancey's voice and smiled when he felt her climb onto the bed.

"You're here!" She was all but attacking him now. "I can't believe you're here. Micki!" she screamed. "Dad's home. He's right here."

"Oh no," Marrell managed just before Mackenzie made her connection. There were tears and laughter, as well as many hugs and kisses, while Paul tried to hold both of his daughters and hear everything they were saying at the same time.

"Look at you two. I can't believe how much you've grown."

"When did you get here?"

"I don't know. What time was it, Marrell?"

"Before 4:00," Marrell grunted as Mackenzie shifted and put a knee into her thigh. Gone were the days of two little girls who fit on the bed with them.

"We were going to come to the airport." Delancey sounded disappointed.

"I took an earlier flight. You're not sad, are you?"

"Not really. I just wanted to see you come off the plane."

Paul smiled at her. "You two had better get ready for school," he said, keeping his face deadpan.

"School? Mom said we were taking off so we could get you!" Delancey was crushed.

"But I'm already here," he returned, stating the obvious.

The girls stared.

114

"He's teasing." Mackenzie was the first to catch the gleam in her father's eye. "You really had us for a moment."

Paul grinned unrepentantly.

"So what's on the schedule for today?" he asked of his wife.

"We were going to leave that up to you. If you want to eat lunch out, we could do that, or we can stay right here and sleep all day. We were going to let you decide."

"I am going to need a nap this afternoon, but why don't we go out to breakfast?"

There was no need to convince the girls of this idea. They darted off the bed and ran for the door, each one shouting for the first turn in the shower.

"I'm not sure we'll have any hot water once they're through."

"We might have to shower together so we'll have enough." Paul's eyes were so mischievous that Marrell could only laugh. "I've missed your laugh," he said softly.

Marrell leaned over to kiss him. "Part of me wishes they had gone to school so we could talk. As it is, I'll have to wait the whole weekend."

"We'll fit it in," he promised her. "You've been on my mind so much."

"I'm a confused mess, if the truth be told," she said, the pain in her eyes confirming the words.

"I can't think of anyone who can relate to that better than I can."

"But you found the way."

"And you will too, Mary. I believe that with all my heart."

Marrell couldn't say any more. Paul put his arms around her, and she was relieved that he didn't expect more from her right then. Maybe having to wait the weekend wasn't so bad. Maybe by then she would at least be able to explain what was going on inside.

That night over supper Paul explained to the girls in detail about the decision he had made for Christ. He had already written to them from Germany, so they were not taken completely unaware. Paul found them quiet, almost accepting, but he was not about to take that at face value.

"Now, I want five questions out of each of you."

"What?" Mackenzie frowned at him.

115

"Just what I said. I want D.J. to ask me five questions, and I want you to ask me five."

"Why?"

"Because I know you have some questions on your mind, and I want to answer them for you. Also, I want you to show some interest in my life. Other than wanting to know what my apartment looks like on base and what German food is like, the two of you haven't shown a bit of interest in what your father does."

Both girls stared at him.

"So you want us to ask you about your work?" Mackenzie asked, although she knew better.

"No, I just used that as an example. I want the two of you to pull out of your self-centered worlds and show some interest in what I'm telling you about Christ. This is the most important decision I've ever made. It's going to change the way we do things, and I need and want your feedback."

"If you've already made up your mind that we all have to change," Mackenzie replied bitterly, "then why bother with any questions?"

"Because I care about your input. I care what you think, and I want to share this with you, even if you can't see the point right now."

Mackenzie had expected her father to be angry with her question. When he wasn't, she was put off guard. Sitting quietly on the opposite end of the table from Paul, Marrell was experiencing the same sort of surprise. She didn't remember mentioning to Paul how self-absorbed the girls had become, but in less than 24 hours back in their company, he had them figured out. Maybe she had said something and forgotten.

"Okay now," he said gently, "let's have those questions."

"Did you get the Bible Mom sent you?" Delancey asked.

"I did, D.J., thank you. I read it every day." Paul smiled kindly at her and looked to his oldest daughter.

Mackenzie looked uncomfortable but managed to ask, "Are you still going to that Bible study Mom told us about?"

"Yes. There are four of us, and we meet every Monday night."

"What do you do?" Mackenzie went on.

"Three of us come with questions about God and the Bible, and my CO goes over them and answers them from Scripture."

"What's 'Scripture'?" This came from Delancey.

116

"The Bible, honey."

"Oh." She looked a little pale, and Paul wondered suddenly if he'd been too demanding of them. They were self-centered, but hadn't he taught them to be just that?