Pretense (17 page)

What a pressure it is when I have only a month here, Lord. There's so much I want to share with them before I have to go, but I can't plan to do that. Opportunities have to come in Your time. Help me to leave this with You.

In the midst of his prayer, Paul remembered his wife. She was the one who needed the nurturing right now. His girls were important, but he believed Marrell was more so. If he could help her to understand, she would be better equipped to handle the girls in his absence.

What Marrell didn't know was that Paul
had
read between the lines. Marrell had begun expecting the girls to attend church, but because their attitudes were bad, she had run herself ragged in the last months trying to entertain them. No more. That's not what his wife was there to do, and it was time the girls understood that.

"Do you have any more questions?" Paul asked gently, seeing that he didn't have to stick with five each.

"I don't," Delancey said.

"Not right now," Mackenzie replied.

"Okay. I want you to think of two more each, and we'll talk about them later."

They both nodded.

"Okay. You two take off for a while so I can neck with your mother."

His tone was just right; they knew they were not in trouble. Both girls had smiles on their faces as they took their dishes to the sink and went to the living room. The sound of the TV springing to life could be heard as Paul moved from his chair to the one right next to Marrell's.

"How are you?" he said softly.

"I'm all right. I'm just trying to remember telling you that the girls dealt with your being gone and my going to church by drawing into their own little worlds. Shay was the one to point it out to me."

"You didn't tell me, but every letter and call was filled with all these things you had done: shopping, having friends over,

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running around. You also made no secret of how much they dislike church. I could see that you were trying to buy them. I don't want you to do that, and I don't want them to expect it. I can understand how easy it would be, but it's not fair to any of you."

Marrell had never seen it in that light, but it was all too true. "I'm such a pushover, Paul. I can't stand to have them scowling at me."

"Well, that's going to change. Our girls have a million things to be thankful for, and they can start while I'm here."

Marrell stared at him. The change in him was remarkable.

"Have I upset you?"

"No, I'm just thinking that we're never going to survive when you leave again."

Paul sighed. It was so hard, but he had to trust. He had to choose to let God be God.

"I'll pray for you every day, Mary-the girls too. You'll see. God will bring us through this."

Marrell was extremely comforted by his words. She was reminded of Shay's confidence, and Pastor Timm's as well.
I'll just keep on,
she told the Lord.
I'll keep searching until I can have what Paul's found. I'll keep on if it takes the rest of my life.

Shay worked to hide her emotions on Sunday morning. She knew all about Paul from Marrell and warmly returned the hug he gave her, but knowing how left-out Marrell and the girls would be, she did not comment on Paul's new birth. The evidence was all around him: the Bible in his hand, his warm smile, the way he listened and took notes during the sermon.

He and Oliver got into a discussion right after church while Shay and Marrell talked. It was hard to stay focused, because Shay wanted to get alone and cry, but she forced her mind onto her friend.

"I would like it if you could come for dinner at my house," Shay told Marrell. "I'm going to be with Oliver's family on Christmas Day, but could you guys come on Christmas Eve?"

"Oh, that sounds fun. I'll check with Paul and see what he thinks."

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"I know you have so little time, Marrell. If he doesn't want to, or you change your mind, I'll understand. What day are you leaving for Tahoe?"

"The twenty-sixth, and we'll be back on the thirtieth. The girls want to stay longer, but that was the best rate on the condo."

"Sounds like fun."

"I think it will be. Micki's getting to be quite good at downhill, and D.J. has to keep up with Mic, so she pushes herself along."

"D.J. is the most fascinating creature, Marrell. When she puts that karate uniform on with that black belt around her waist, I'm awestruck by her poise and confidence. But then she gets in a crowd, and she all but stands behind Micki."

Marrell shook her head. "It's true, isn't it. Mackenzie can be just as bad, only I'm the one she hides behind."

Shay laughed. "And that's not working so well anymore since she now tops you by an inch."

Marrell shook her head in wonder. "I think I'm tall for a woman, Shay. I never dreamed that Mackenzie would pass me."

"How tall are you?"

"Five foot seven. Micki is five eight."

"I suppose D.J. will catch her soon. She's already got legs like a colt."

"Yes, and she's nearly wearing my shoes. She's not even eleven and a half!"

Shay smiled. The pride in Marrell's voice was very special. She knew that a mother didn't actually do anything to make her children grow tall, but somehow it seemed fitting that she take the praise.

"By the way, how are things at the office?" Marrell asked. Shay had given her Paul's entire leave off.

"The truth? We're falling apart without you. You're the first person who has known how to do more than three things."

Marrell laughed at the look on Shay's face. A moment later the men joined them. The four talked until the girls showed up to say they were starving. With a promise to let Shay know about the evening of the twenty-fourth, the Bishops went on their way. Oliver could see the strain in Shay's face but kept quiet until they were in his car.

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"You're ready to burst into tears," he said softly. "I could see that you barely made it through the sermon."

"Oh, Oliver." She laid her head back against the headrest. "I've prayed for so many years for Marrell and Paul, but mostly for Marrell. Now Paul is the one to believe, and I can't even talk with him for fear of hurting my friend. My heart is half joyful and half sad. It's giving me a headache."

She looked over to find Oliver's eyes on her.

"Not very good company, am I?" she asked.

"On the contrary, I've never loved you more."

Shay's eyes shut. He was so special. She didn't think she would ever get over Marty, but that had been immature ignorance on her part. Oliver not only loved God but understood how sin could lead a person into so many mistakes and horrible choices.

"I love you too," Shay spoke as she opened her eyes. "And one of the things I most appreciate about you, Oliver, is that you're not afraid to tell me."

"It's a risk," he said with the logic Shay loved. "All love is. Love puts people in a position to hurt each other, as you well know."

"I don't think we're going to hurt each other, Oliver. I really don't."

"No, I don't think so either-at least not in an irreparable way."

Shay nodded and smiled at him. He asked her whether she wanted to go for lunch but only tenderly kissed her cheek when she said she wanted to go home and cry her eyes out. After he had dropped Shay off, she realized that his tenderness was another one of the things she loved most about him.

South Lake Tahoe, California

"Do you think I don't know there's a difference, Paul?" Marrell whispered furiously, tears filling her huge blue eyes. "Do you think I don't see? I watched you with Shay and Oliver on Wednesday night, and even when Rose Cumberland came up for a few minutes. You all have God, and I don't!"

The girls were already asleep. It was only the second day of their trip, and husband and wife were talking on the rug in front

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of the huge stone fireplace in the condo they had rented. A fire crackled and burned, but right now neither one paid attention.

"Sometimes I'm so angry at all of you I could scream."

"I know, honey," Paul said lovingly, but Marrell was beside herself. She grabbed the front of his shirt with both hands.

"No, you don't! I just can't believe, Paul. I can't. Something is missing, and it's driving me crazy. I know I sin, and I know I don't have all the answers, but I just feel that God is holding me at arm's length."

She sat back now in utter defeat, and Paul stared at her. They had been talking off and on for two weeks, and still Marrell's heart raged on with grief and disbelief. Paul had no idea how to help her. He wished for a moment that Allen Post were there but then realized wishing for such things would be no help. He began to pray. Where the words came from he knew not, but he began to speak, and Marrell listened.

"Mary, do I make you feel that unless you come to Christ I won't love you anymore?"

"No," she said. But her voice was sad. "I thought that at one time-before you came home-but now I know better."

"You've told me that you believe that Jesus Christ is God's Son. Is that right?"

She nodded her silky blond head.

"And you've also told me that you know you're a sinner who needs a Savior."

"Yes."

"But you're afraid."

"Not exactly, Paul. I guess I would just call it a lack of belief. I don't know how much fear enters into it anymore. I used to be afraid of what God would ask of me, but I don't care any longer. If He'll just let me find Him, I'll do anything He wants." The defeat in her voice frightened him, but Paul went on.

"Mary, have you ever asked God to help you believe in Him?"

Marrell stared at her husband.

"Have you ever prayed and asked God to give you the belief?"

"No." Her voice was whisper-soft. "I didn't know I could. I thought I had to believe first."

Paul shrugged, feeling helpless in the face of his wife's confusion and pain. "I don't know for sure, Mary, but the Bible says that the very faith with which we believe comes from God. Why

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don't you ask God to help you believe, honey? It wouldn't hurt to try."

Marrell stared at Paul for a few more seconds before her head fell back, and she looked high on the stone mantel. She didn't focus in on the rocks but mentally knelt at the throne of grace and asked God, her heart wide open, to help her believe.

All this time I've tried to find You on my own, but I can't. Please help my sin-filled, unbelieving heart. Please help me to believe.

The truth was suddenly so clear to her that it took her breath away. With a gasp she looked at her husband, her eyes wide.

"Oh, Paul! It's all so clear to me now. He died for
me.
Not just for you and Shay, but for me. Jesus Christ died for me, for
my
sin." Paul's arms came around her, and he openly sobbed against her hair. Marrell clung to him. The girls had wanted to sleep in the loft above the living room, and Paul had never been so glad that he had said no. They were sure to have been right beside them if they had heard their tears.

"I believe You, Lord Jesus," she prayed as Paul held her. "I believe You died for my sins. Please take hold of me and never allow me to let go of You."

The tears would not be stopped. Lowering Marrell back against the pillows they had stacked up, Paul held her and let her cry. He felt like a limp rag. It was only too easy to understand how she must feel.

"I have peace," she finally whispered from where her head lay on his chest. "I'm so tired that I can't move, but I have peace at last."

"I never dreamed that God would rescue you before I went back," Paul admitted. "It makes it so much more bearable, Marrell-I can't begin to tell you."

"So much makes sense now. I mean, I've been listening to Pastor Timm for weeks, but so often I was completely confused. Now I can't wait to hear more."

"You'll have to call Shay."

"Oh, Paul," Shay's name was enough to make her sit up. "What time is it? Can I call now?"

"It's late." He looked at his watch. "After twelve. We'd better wait until tomorrow."

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"Okay." She looked down at him and smiled. "She's going to tell me how long she's prayed."

Paul chuckled. "I'm sure you're right."

Marrell's face brightened again. "Let's get blankets and sleep here tonight."

"You're on. You get the blankets, and I'll stoke the fire."

Marrell was back before Paul finished, and just before he joined her back on the pillows, he opened the curtains over the huge picture window that sat to the right of the fireplace. The lights were off inside, and they could see that it was snowing. Paul slipped beneath the blankets and snuggled close to his wife. They watched the snow in silence.

"God's blessings will be just like that snow, Mary. If we're obedient, His blessings will come down on us like snowflakes in a blizzard. The girls will come to Him, and we'll be fruitful and please Him all our days on the earth."