Primal Scream (Box Set #1, Taboo Sex + AFF) (33 page)

[Angeline]:
do you like any girls?do you like Aisyah?

Chantal was wondering what to reply. How did the conversation switch to girls and Aisyah? Angeline had just been talking about the American pianist and singer-songwriter, Tori Amos. Chantal would later do a little bit more research on the singer, to discover that a lot of lesbians liked Tori Amos.

Chantal lied and replied:

[Chantal]:
No, I don’t really like anyone (inc. Aisyah). Not in that way…

Angeline replied:

[Angeline]:
you don’t like girls? weird.

Chantal laughed it off with Angeline, but felt a little confused. So just because she was in an all-girls school, she was supposed to be into girls and not guys at all?

Aisyah was online too, but Chantal had no intentions of mentioning her crush on Aisyah. She figured she wasn’t wild enough for her ever-vivacious best friend since the first day they’d met in primary school. Chantal recalled with some fondness that Aisyah already had short hair since then.

At that moment, Aisyah sent Chantal a message online:

[Aisyah]:
By the way, I really want to know this: Why do so many religious folks have such a hard time understanding that people outside their religions don’t consider their holy books to be absolute truth?

As if Chantal wasn’t confused enough. But she carried on the conversation.

[Chantal]:
i think some religious people just accept their way / what they believe in, as THE ONLY way.

[Aisyah]:
Reading some online forum right now, lol. This guy talking about sexuality and the Catholic religion, etc etc—

[Aisyah]:
“In Catholic tradition, Mary is referred to as the Virgin Mary because of the doctrine of her perpetual virginity: even after giving birth to Jesus she never had sexual relations with her husband, Josephus, and never gave birth to more children.”

[Aisyah]:
I mean, scientifically = ???????????

[Chantal]:
hahahha. Send me the link!

[Aisyah]:
http://bit.ly/gIxpSv

The link only gave Chantal more things to worry about and ponder over. She saved a couple of the comments posted by two blog vistors:

===

Why is the Doctrine of Perpetual Virginity Important in Christianity?

Mary’s perpetual virginity means that she is the one human to be both a mother and a virgin; unlike other women, she escapes the curse of Eve. Other women are cursed with a sexuality that forces men to control and restrain them. This created in Christian tradition the virgin-whore dichotomy: all women are either virgins who follow in the footsteps of Mary (like for example becoming nuns) or who follow in the footsteps of Eve (by tempting men and causing them to sin). This, in turn, helped limit opportunities for women throughout Christian society.

–
posted by Austin Cline (Agnosticism / Atheism Guide @ http://atheism.about.com)

Christian Hypocrisy

You fundamentalist Christians laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

–
posted by female admin @ http://www.evilbible.com/Top_Ten_List.htm

===

Holy cow, they’re right,
Chantal thought to herself. Chantal had been having trouble accepting the virginal concept ever since she stopped forgoing her quite-frequent masturbation sessions. It was built-up sexual tension versus viewing sex as something sinful. How could a high sexual drive be something unhealthy to the body?

Aisyah knew a Buddhist monk who chose to be celibate. But his reasons were due to sex being a distraction to seeking Enlightenment, which Chantal thought was fair enough (since it could, indeed, get very distracting). The monk said nothing about any sexual acts being depraved or “sinful.”

The ongoing chat made Chantal aware that free-thinking Aisyah was more stable than some of the more religious people Chantal knew. There was a group of religious-sorts at their school, who slept around and sinned throughout the week, and confessed their sins on a weekly basis to be absolved of them, only to have the cycle repeat. The girls were taught and told that it required humility to confess their sins. It also gave great peace to hear the priest say in Jesus’s name: “I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,” as it was Christ’s will that they would hear those words.

How many times could one actually convince his or herself that they were once again a “born-again” virgin? There’d be all these boys and girls who’d consider themselves as formerly promiscuous persons, who’d newly commit to not have sex (again) until marriage. To Chantal, the commitment usually lasted about a week, or a month at most, at which point said boys or girls would get smashed and drink their home’s alcohol cabinets clean, before indiscriminately throwing themselves at the opposite sex. The change of heart was usually brought about through feelings of guilt or shame from past failed relationships.

Aisyah had always liked girls, and Chantal had never judged her for it. Chantal did have a problem with her own reasons for wanting to be a lesbian, when she did think hard about seriously considering it—the technical definition of a virgin meant that a person hadn’t yet had sexual intercourse.

“
Lezzing out isn’t really intercourse…” Aisyah had said to Chantal, numerous times. ‘Lezzing out’ being the action of females doing numerous lesbian acts of pleasure on each other. But that didn’t really make sense to Chantal either. She wanted her own definition of what being a virgin meant to her, instead of a definition that stemmed from religious, cultural, historical, and family influences that all emphasized different values.

She was dying to have open conversations with people about the many ways of being sexually and emotionally intimate. She wanted to talk about all that with Aisyah, most of all. She did, but not as in-depth as she’d have liked. If the conversation turned to her and Aisyah, she wouldn’t know where to go. She still had a semi-crush on Aisyah. She just had no idea how to make a move. Was Chantal heteroflexible, bisexual, bi-curious, homoflexible, or something else?

The Speedos boy seemed like a convenient distraction.

Chantal thought it was a little bit of a sick joke that she had recently started taking contraceptive pills. Her self-esteem had been suffering because of acne—acne made anyone feel ugly. Her mum took her to dermatologists who prescribed pills and creams; she changed her diet; she tried sun exposure and no sun exposure. Then she saw a gynecologist who suggested birth control pills. She was raised a strict Catholic, but Mum was open to anything that might help her. Within two months of starting birth control pills, Chantal’s skin had gotten considerably better.

The Catholic Church was opposed to birth control pills; it was a mortal sin to use birth control pills. Chantal’s case was alright, because her pills had been prescribed for a medical condition. But it still irritated her that contraception, homosexual behavior, pre-marital, as well as extramarital sex were perceived to be immoral and shameful.

It irritated her that the religion she was born into could have so much of a say in a person’s personal, sexual preferences.

Chantal’s spirit was like a ticking timebomb. During her catechism class, she thought of the guy in the blue Speedos, then of Aisyah, with her dark-lined expressive eyes and all-round sassiness. She hardly knew the guy, but she’d always been a little intimidated, yet attracted, to both the Speedos dude and Aisyah.

She tried sorting out her feelings. She lusted after the Speedos guy more—it was a simpler emotion to define. It was more complicated with Aisyah, who was a good-looking girl friend with a great personality, very popular, into girls, and currently single. Aisyah had casually dated a few feminine-girl types, throughout upper secondary school. Chantal always admired Aisyah’s never-morose, never-let-anyone-down vibe, and sometimes wished she could just let loose and have some fun too.

Like the three guys in the cubicle, that Chantal had chanced upon. Life was better when one didn’t take it so seriously, all the time. It was something Chantal had always known, but always had trouble applying.

Organized religion felt like a yoke around her neck.

Chantal glanced up, to see what the catechist had written down on the whiteboard at the front of the classroom:

Proverbs 17:22 “Being cheerful keeps you healthy. It is slow death to be gloomy all the time.”

What would bring good cheer? She thought of being in a threesome with the Speedos guy and Aisyah, three of them indulging in unbridled lust.

Chantal wondered if that was why Aisyah’s parents had brought her up as a freethinker, free to choose whether she wanted to follow her father’s Taoist ways, her mother’s non-denominational Christian ways, or something else altogether. Aisyah seemed to be a happy, relatively well-adjusted freethinker, who was rarely depressed and down in the dumps.

Aisyah never seemed to struggle with her sexuality and sexual urges, the way Chantal was accustomed to. Aisyah just went along with whatever—she did whatever she wanted and was comfortable with, and didn’t care for what others thought.

Chantal wanted to raise her hand and ask a question about Aisyah: “How is my atheist friend more evil than a religious person who is violent, aggressive, and judgmental towards others who didn’t believe in the True Religion?”

History was filled with religious wars, butcheries, crusades, inquisitions, and religious violence. Humans had made a graveyard of the globe in trying their honest best to smooth their brothers’ and sisters’ paths to happiness and heaven.

* * *

Chapter 2

The next day was a dreary Monday, filled with examination preparations, lectures about how everyone wasn’t studying hard enough, and extra supplementary lessons after the regular school day ended at 1.45pm. It was 4pm when they were finally free to go home, where they’d have to spend the rest of the day completing homework and assignments to be handed in the very next day.

Chantal walked home, beside Aisyah. It was a long walk. Chantal felt like she was dragging her heart and soul along behind her on a string, as they trampled through the mud in the field, on the way to Aisyah’s apartment. Everyone liked hanging out in Aisyah’s quirky, cluttered, but very cozy and inviting bedroom.

Chantal was rehearsing a talk she had to give the next day at school, on leadership skills. There was going to be a Mass and ceremony for the newly-established Catholic regional school council, with a few visiting guests from some of the other Catholic schools in the Eastern region of Singapore. Of the Catholic schools in HIGH’s district, there were three all-girls schools, one all-boys school, and one co-ed school.

While there were hardly any butch lesbians on the prefectorial board at HIGH, they were allowed to take on leadership positions in other areas, such as sports, which was an area Aisyah excelled at. While Aisyah wasn’t going to be giving any talks, she too had to put on the official school blazer like Chantal. The HIGH school blazer and skirt set was only used during school functions and/or other special events. The blazer and skirt were hanging on Aisyah’s cupboard door. Chantal couldn’t wait to see her in it.

“
One of the qualities of a good leader is honesty…” Chantal said, as she glanced through the notes she had prepared. She hated public speaking, but she was more anxious about being alone in a room with Aisyah. It was some time since they’d hung out together, just the two of them. There’d always be some other friends around.

What was Chantal to say about her longtime evolving crush on Aisyah? They hadn’t kissed since that juvenile role-playing scene all those years ago.

Some Marilyn Manson mp3s were playing very quietly, in the background.

“
Why d’you look so sad?” Aisyah had wanted to ask Chantal, when they put their bags down and kicked off their shoes. Aisyah would understand if Chantal looked a little stressed out—presumably from the talk the next day. But Chantal seemed a little more distressed than she had in the past, with other talks or presentations.