Primal Scream (Box Set #1, Taboo Sex + AFF) (5 page)

I’m not saying I want anything to happen, I’m just saying that I don’t know what I really want, and what he really wants, and whether I know what it is I’m even talking about, and if you’re there and listening to me, God, then please help guide me and Ed in our own lives. Maybe one day, something will happen and we can see where to go from there.

I should have added into that prayer:
And God, please help me in defining what this “something will happen” is, even if it’s just to me, so that I have more clarity as to what’s going on in my own mind and heart and body. If you know what I’m talking about, please enlighten me. Because I sure don’t.

PS: When I die, the first question I’m going to ask you, is why you have to make life so confusing. Honestly. Dang.

[Ed / 22 Dec 2007]

i feel like i have just been brought to life first julie was at the doorway with the light pouring in, it made her reddish-brown hair look like it was dusted with gold, and then the pleasant smell of her hair, something like strawberry, and then my knees are on the floor and i’m seeing stars, and it doesn’t end there, and i thought we’d...i thought i’d crushed it out of my life for good...
what’s she gonna say and that douchebag Bobby I swear I’m gonna beat him in with a baseball bat if I ever see him near Julie again Julie maybe she regrets it and would rather not know about it and we’ll never speak of it coz it didn’t happen
...prior to this it was like a part of me was dead forever...how do you refuse a relative or family when...she’s sleeping now...i feel undeserving of her...
of you, Julie
...do you know? it’s like my past present and future all merge into this mist of a mirage, and the only constant thing is
she
...i don’t know what you’re looking for...
but I know what I want...and it’s right here I want to be with you for the rest of my life
...people say it’s young love and some will even say that this cannot be love but Love is Love is Love. i want to protect you, be by your side...
we already have the same last name
...what difference would it make to people who don’t know us.

we can start a new life somewhere, be escape artists away from friends and family that know us. it’d be the greatest secret and most beautiful lie that we could live life. i don’t want any other woman
i’ll be 21 years old in a few months
and i don’t know why i’m thinking all this
i guess the bottom line is why would you look for someone you don’t know to get to know, when there’s already someone that you do know and that you’ve been close to for so long?
...how can society be right and have the right to say what is right when the majority of them have never and
will never even know
what it is to be in this position...breathing the same air for so long
do you know going away was like leaving a whole chunk of me behind, like departing into a life of ruin
but why did you have to come i was doing so well forgetting all the things you used to do

but the one thing i couldn’t get out of my head

was the way you said

 “
ed”

that night at kingston’s, not quite so much that you

didn’t really say or do much but because i knew i could have done anything to you and you wouldn’t have fought it and i don’t understand why but that is

exactly what made me realize not to do anything,
and

what’s going to happen now oh what does
how did tonight happen,

i just, i just...

[Julie : 22 Dec 2007]

I decided to pay Ed a visit. I asked if I could stay over for a couple of days and he said okay.

I took the 5-hour bus ride, then got into a cab from the bus station. I didn’t want to trouble him to pick me up. We’d head back to our place for Christmas, and after that he’d return to his apartment.

“
You’re so skinny!” I said, when Ed opened the door. He was in the red Juicy Couture T-shirt I gave him for his 18
^th
birthday, and shorts. His face and waist seemed slimmer than before, but he looked happy. He grinned and gave me a quick hug and picked up my bag of stuff, and told me to make myself comfortable.

“
Tea or chocolate?”

“
Chocolate.”

The place was, well, messy. But so cozy. Large windows and a glass pane front door let in natural sunlight. It gives the apartment an inviting warmth.

“
You can sleep on my bed, I’ll sleep on the couch. I tidied up that room but not much else.”

“
Don’t worry about it,” I said. It was his house after all. “I’ll only be here a short while.”

“
You’re the guest — you get the best. I put your stuff in my room.”

I drank the Hershey’s chocolate mix. I figured I’d just carry my bag out later and not budge from the couch. I really didn’t mind. I could fall asleep on the floor too.

It was around dinnertime. Ed said he could fix us something to eat, he just had to reply an e-mail first. I said okay. I’d occupy myself by checking out how well stocked-up his fridge was.

In the kitchen, I was reading the labels of some jars that were on the counter (apparently, one serving of 1/2 a cup of pineapple pieces contains 100% Vitamin C).

I didn’t hear Ed come in. I jumped when he gave me a playful hug from behind. He said, “Whatcha looking at.”

I turned around, and we stood face to face. We were just blinking, and looking at each other’s faces...and...dear God...I don’t know what came over me...it’s like I was blind all along with Bobby and Kyle and whoever else...and I don’t know whether it’s more a case that it felt so right, or that it didn’t feel so wrong...

I mean, this was my
brother
, who got me home drunk from a party once...that I’d had so many late nights with for homework...and many, many discussions about girls, guys, love, life, and everything in between. This was the guy who smashed his ankle in during a soccer match, an event that kept me crying all night, because I was thinking of how painful it must be. The guy who nearly ran away at age 14 and made me worried sick to death, so much so that he came back. The guy I played Lego building blocks with until we both grew out of it. The guy I always tested my newest baking recipes on, who always knew when to back off when I really needed to be alone, who wouldn’t take advantage of me in any situation...and in spite of all this...or maybe
due
to all this...

I KISSED ED.

It was like time stood still for a zillion moments too long.

“
Oh my god.” I started to babble. I had to save myself, do something. “I’m so sorry, Ed—I’ve just missed you for so long, I mean I didn’t even know until you left and...”

He was very quiet. I continued, “I...uh...well...”

I had absent-mindedly been fiddling around with the back of his T-shirt. This time, I let go and wriggled myself away from him. “I must be high or something (though I knew I wasn’t). Sorry.”

I turned to go into the living room.

He took a step, came up close, and hugged me from behind again. Not so playfully this time. And kissed me on the side of my neck.

We looked at each other, and our lips met, as we shared a soft, light kiss. It was so cool.

It was just one kiss, but it was made up of so many things: Curiosity. Care. Kindness. Sympathy.

We kissed again. I sensed his...fear?...along with the heady rush of this actually happening. I let him know with my kiss that I felt the same, but that it was alright, that this wasn’t planned, and I still loved him...and that maybe I would in a more special way than before.

“
Am I better than Bobby,” Ed whispered.

There was a tinge of...exquisite, sadness?...in his tone. Anyway, right then, Bobby (the Idiot) was seriously the furthest thing away from my mind.

I said to Ed, “I’ve already forgotten his name...”

Then we led each other into the delightfulness of a long, sensuous, passionate kiss. It is a total art form. It was new, it was everything. We seemed to know exactly how and what we liked, our comfort level, and that whatever we were doing was a pure, decadent enjoyment we weren’t going to deny ourselves of.

Ed was clutching my lower back under my top. His hands would slowly increase the pressure, and then become light-touched all over again. It was so sincere, and sexy, and
simple
.

“
Julie...” He sounded so far away, though we were closer than ever.

I uttered his name too. Then our kisses got a little bit rougher. We started making some love/sex sounds...and then we were on the floor. I took my shirt and jeans off.

Ed had taken off his shirt too and was now leaning over me. I felt the warmth of his breath on my skin...and the warmth from his body. They were a nice contrast from the cool tiles of the kitchen floor on my back.

I unhooked the bra. He pulled it right off and flung it to the side. He was like an untamed wolf. He made me cry with pleasure.

Ed’s arms were straight out, supporting his weight. I think he was worried about crushing me. I would have welcomed his tight body fully pressing against mine.

“
Shall we go to my room?” Ed said.

I muttered “mmm” in agreement. I couldn’t help but ask, “Has anyone been there before?...”

“
No. I’ve been by myself.”

Part of me felt relieved and overjoyed to hear that. Part of me felt bad because I didn’t want to keep my brother from seeing whoever, and doing what he wanted.

Before I could debate with myself further, I was in his arms, as he carried me off to the bedroom. I’m not that heavy, but he didn’t struggle with lifting me at all. Ed’s stronger than he looks.

The evening light was shining through the blinds. His arms felt so lovely on the underside of my thighs. Ed stepped over the carpet, some papers and files on the floor, and then I was on his bed.

It was soft like the one he had at home all these years. He pulled out something from a drawer...and then he lay over me on the bed, a little closer than we were on the kitchen floor.

“
How many guys you been with?” Ed asked (finally!). “Like...sexually...”

“
Mainly one...” I answered. “I’m seeing a new guy. But it’s not serious.”

“
Oh...so, the one...Bobby?”

I nodded. “Do you hate me for it?”

“
No...but I mean...it’s just a bit depressing...”

“
What is?”

“
That I’m uhm, less experienced than you...but it was your choice...”

He certainly knew what he was doing, for an “inexperienced” person. Ed licked one of my nipples. They were getting hard again, but the rest of my body felt as soft as the bed I was on. He also nibbled on my shoulder.

“
Well it’s okay,” I said, “to wait for the right person.”

I think I smelt his pheromones. Just a whiff of his...sweat. It was a huge turn-on. He was moving further down.
Oh
, when his hands were on my stomach...I tilted my hips up at him slightly...then brought them back down and squirmed about on the sheets.

He gently pulled my undies down. I realized we had never seen each other completely nude before. He pulled his own shorts down. He was hard.

Very hard.

I was going to move forward and twirl my tongue around, but he had begun stroking himself over my body, and shot over my chest.

Ed removed his shorts, got on the bed again. But he seemed more...nervous, and not quite sure what to do next. I didn’t either but since we were still there, and not paralyzed with horror and bewilderment at each other...

I swiped a finger over my chest. He tasted a little sweet. Ed doesn’t drink often and doesn’t smoke. He likes plain water too. So I guess eating the right things and being healthy has its perks.