Primal Scream (Box Set #1, Taboo Sex + AFF) (26 page)

‘
The Color Yellow’ was a particularly significant tune to Drea. She remembered writing in her diary, long ago when she was fifteen, that she’d dedicate that song, “the anthem of all love songs,” to the one person down the road who’d be the right person for her. So it was a little bit of a surprise to her, to first discover that Jack had been the one to send it to her first. Everything seemed to match up so nicely along the way.

She felt like she had been fixing up all the little pieces of a large puzzle, only to have the final image change now, now that she had gotten so close to completing the puzzle.

Her blood simmered with loathing for Jack, because essentially, he had engaged and drawn out her sexual nature, but done absolutely nothing to satisfy it. Drea thought he had no conscience, no sense of responsibility, and zero imagination.

Still, he was like a bad drug she was addicted to, something her body couldn’t do without.

She silently cursed, when she looked at her image in the mirror. She had a red streak of acne appearing on her jawline, and a couple of frown lines had started to appear on her brow. The acne could get prominent, due to her fair skin. A really bad breakout always made her want to stay cooped up in the house and face as few people as possible, through the day.

The acne and frown lines were directly from stress due to Jack. She was actually getting frown lines on her brow from worrying about and trying to decipher Jack. He was bad for her in every way imaginable, and she was giving up on herself. She had to—any sensible person would have walked away from this, eons ago.

Drea envisioned Jack, alone and huddled up in a cardboard box. He believed his own pathetic lies, that nothing had transpired between them, that it was all in the past, and therefore, non-existent.

Jack, Jack, Jack. All Geminis had a dark side. She’d seen the dark side of the moon,
his
Gemini moon. What was one supposed to do with it? Was she supposed to accept the Jekyll and Hyde dichotomy because she loved “the whole person”?

It was almost like the only thing she knew—except she couldn’t say for sure, how much she really knew about him, at all. Jack was nothing and everything, nowhere, and everywhere, all at once.

Just like the air which kept Drea alive.

I wish you would just stop bothering/contacting me,
Jack had said.

I wish Jack ceased to exist,
Drea had thought.

Unknown to Drea, they were both going to get their wish.

* * *

II. Present

Monday, 7 June 2010

Drea landed in Singapore. She emailed and contacted whoever she wanted to meet during her short trip. In true rolling Pisces moon fashion, her thoughts and feelings went back and forth with Jack—she still entertained the thought of having sex with him—then thought of meeting him and eradicating him, but didn’t want to spend the rest of her life in jail for committing the crime—before telling herself she’d never contact him again, in accordance to his wishes.

At the end of the day, she emailed Jack a very quick letter with the lines—

I’d still like to go down on / taste you, if you’re interested

As a “thank you” for “waking me up” sexually (else I think that side of me would be existent, but buried).

Later, she saw him online. They started off by exchanging pleasantries, before she made an inquiry about her inquiry.

She stared at the chat transcript on the computer screen—

Jack:
anw, u know i’m attached?

dRea:
yes, last i heard ^^

Jack:
haha & u still wanna do it?

dRea:
i don’t mind, though i’ll understand if you mind

Jack:
haha where do u suppose?

dRea:
car / hotel / meet somewhere at random

dRea:
since you’re pressed for time, I cld go down on you, and maybe you cld play with/suck on my tits/always wantd someone to do that, lol)

dRea:
i feel it even when i eat and drink…i don’t really taste the food at all

Jack:
haha

Jack:
i already said that i can’t meet up.

Drea wondered why Jack just didn’t physically disappear into thin air. He already seemed to have done so, psychologically and emotionally.

In his own psychotic frame of mind, Jack treated Drea like dirt as payback for when she did not respond when he wanted and needed her to, in the past. He thought she’d get the song lyrics instantaneously, when he sent them to her, when in fact, she’d taken months. By the time she came round, the moment had already passed. This was his justification according to his Libran sense of fairness and justice. Neither mercy nor compassion factored into the concept.

Jack’s “I already said” phrase was supposed to have dropped like a bomb, but the impact was more understated, for Drea. It was like a hairline crack that had appeared on the wall—not enough yet to be noticeable, but enough to start weakening the foundational structure. She now felt like all her dreams were made of glass.

Jack was just a lunar Gemini at play. It was all just mental play to him. That it was ripping Drea to shreds didn’t matter, because his emotions were no longer involved.

Tuesday, 8 June 2010 | 9am

(Drea’s Journal)

I think what draws me in the most is what
he
would be, or is, sexually. I’m sure it isn’t dead or indifferent. Would he be controlled/explosive/latent gratification/slow/inconsiderate/open/self-centered?

Tuesday, 8 June 2010 | 10pm

(Drea’s Journal)

I really feel he’s The One, and at the same time, that makes me want to run to the furthest hills at the ends of the earth. I mean, I dunno…after so long, I’m still bothering with the same person…as in…I think he had a glimpse of my soul and I heard his…
“men love with their eyes, women with their ears”—Oscar Wilde
…I really feel that this is the person I “want to grow old with” (already am…)(I remember that from one of his online screen names)…

Saw someone at lunch, business wear with the girlfriend (I think)…they were seated away in a corner @ the Peranakan restaurant. How I wished it was us in their shoes…nothing’s changed from 2008 and before.

I think marriage and work suck away the life of most people. I cannot waste my life away waiting on the whims and fancies of one “unstable like the wind” (to borrow a quote from
Sons and Lovers /
D. H. Lawrence)…sometimes I feel like crying all the time…then laughing…then I’ll be in “homicidal” mode…ha.

I don’t know
why
I want to have this hold on him, like…maybe coz I’ve always felt that deep down, he wants it also.

Dear God, please have mercy on my poor soul.

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

(Drea’s Journal)

I feel too latched onto my ideals/desires…and it’s a real problem. I can’t let go and breathe, y’know what I mean. At the minimum, if I put someone as #1 in life, I would need that same extension back [as friends, lovers, whatever]…that’s just being fair. I find that I’m happier without him, but supremely over the top (transcends to another level) when he’s in love mode…they always say, just don’t try and get too close to a Gemini (I feel his Gemini moon is stronger than the Libra sun), and it’ll be fine…

But why do I want him? Am I what he’s looking for?

Just really² fed up…try so hard in this department, and what do I get but a heap of ashes to dust my skin with. Might as well go the other extreme and throw myself into circumstances without planning/thinking about the consequences, lol.

Thursday, 10 June 2010

(Drea’s Journal)

I need to take charge of this, or my whole life is going to CONTINUE in this ensuing trainwreck route with regards to sex. I have about 3 days left here. There’s no difference between 3 minutes, 3 hours, 3 days, 3 years. They all amount to hell. Just in varying amounts of time, in real time.

He has two exact opposite sides which co-exist. Am I to accept him fully for what he is, and keep hanging on, or get myself out of this, if I still can?

I need to quit. It’s making me crazy. I don’t know what to THINK or how to feel.

* * *

Friday, 11 June, 2010 | 8.45am

Drea was wishing to cease existing herself, upon waking up in the morning. Jack was on her mind at all times—before she slept, as she slept, when she woke up, and as she went about her day. She couldn’t even explain why she cared for someone who didn’t seem to care about her at all. Maybe there was some truth to the macho kind of males who believed that a female never wanted to be really treated well. It’d diminish her authority, and turn her submissive, which is what such males viewed femininity as, in essence.

3.05pm

Drea was meeting a girlfriend, later in the evening. But she was restless all morning, and throughout the early afternoon.

Drea stood in front of her mirror. She still fit her old clothes well. In fact, she’d lost a little bit of weight. She always did, when she was worrying about Jack.

She was in a thin, black and white striped top, with bright pink short beach shorts. Her figure was toned and fit, with curves at her hips, thighs, and calves—all the right places. Her firm breasts had a little bit of a boost from the essential lingerie she had on underneath.

She felt no different from the last time she was in Singapore, aimlessly wandering around the glam shopping malls, wondering when she’d be able to break herself free from Jack, alternating between breaking away from him, and being one with him, in a moment that would consummate their relationship.

3.30pm

As Drea waited at the underground train station, she stared listlessly at her reflection in the dark glass wall which separated the train tunnel from the platform.

She was beginning to despise looking at her image. All she saw was an awkward girl with expressionless eyes, a seeming bobblehead, who couldn’t walk away from a stale situation she felt obliged to still be a part of. If she looked long enough, she could almost see the unborn woman in her beginning to wilt, and die—she didn’t know how to nurture that side of her, how to embrace and unleash the full power of her sexual being. Her own hands and masturbatory activities could satisfy her, physically. But they couldn’t give her what she was really seeking—the ultimate human experience, of being one with another, through a sexual union.

Ideally, it would be mixed together with the element of love. She’d always thought it would be nice, to have sex with somebody she really loved. But the virgin in her was feeling cheated. There was another side to her which was yearning to go in the completely opposite direction, to see everything that being enslaved to her ideals had prevented her from experiencing. She’d do a complete turnaround. It was the only way to move on from the mess with multi-faceted, unpindownable Jack, and still have her personality and identity intact.

Take me home tonight,
she thought at random, to any random guy she saw on the train. She was a torn, lost soul, looking at every guy, screaming for help and salvation! Her body’s cells and fibers were screaming all the time, but no one could hear her. She felt like an unopened gift, whose expiry date was approaching.