Primal Scream (Box Set #1, Taboo Sex + AFF) (6 page)

Ed was frozen, but not for long more. He decided he wanted the same thing from me too. Oh! My secret fantasy! Would he say the same thing as Bobby?

He was looking at and/or studying my...anatomy. Then I had a moment of hesitation. I didn’t want to
make
him go down on me.

“
You don’t have to...” I said.

Just in case. I’d hate to make him feel obliged to do it. I’d feel so useless and desperate. Demanding even.

Ed leaned in. “Let me, I want to,” he said. His hands were on my inner thighs. I really liked them there. “Has anyone gone down on you before?”

“
Have you practiced on someone?” I said. I didn’t feel like talking about it. My resistance wasn’t of much use though.

“
No...I just read a lot. I’ve a love for learning.”

Wisecrack.

Ed repeated his question. “So...has anyone gone down on you?”

“
Yeah...once.”

“
Ratface Bobby?”

“
Yeah.”

“
Did he enjoy it?”

“
Well...uh...”

“
What did he say to you?”

I sighed. “He said I took too long to come...I think he was just tired.”

Ed was quiet again. Why were we talking about this?

His tongue went in a steady rhythm. I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?

“
Do you want me to punch his brains out for you?”

Even with a threat, Ed’s voice was syrupy. That was the one word I thought/felt about his voice: syrupy. His voice had pleasing effects. “I’d do it...if you wanted me to...I’d do it in a heartbeat...give him facial scars for life...wouldn’t even take too much work...”

“
No, it’s alright!” I exclaimed. I wasn’t even on talking terms with Bobby these days, and he was pretty much out of my life. “Ed...he doesn’t bother me anymore. It’s okay. I’m just gonna...keep moving forward.”

Forward to what? Crashing into this unknown territory WITH MY BRO?!

“
Okay,” Ed said. “But he’s a jackass...I’ll not stop even it if takes all night.”

I was already wet but I suddenly recalled in great detail, the time I was in Bobby’s basement, thinking to myself:
Ed wouldn’t be the same
.

AND HUZZAH! I WAS RIGHT!

He ate me out for a bit, and I wanted it to go on forever...but at the same time I felt just about ready to explode. I told him so, and he got off the bed, slipped on a rubber. I guess that must have been what he’d taken out from the drawer earlier.

He came back and we slowly began to feel each other from the inside...it was the sweetest most
amazing
feeling...him in my warmth...his arms were at my side lifting his body off and we started to rock a little faster and rougher...and then I opened my eyes and just looked at him. I was feeling him with my entirety. Our eyes were locked together and we were making sounds I’ve never heard before, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s illegal to make such noises, and there was the sheer utter madness of
wanting
, then he was all over my neck, lips and anywhere that his tongue could reach, and I gripped my hands tightly around each of his arms, my head was off the pillow, I slammed it back down screaming like a banshee, “ED!!”

The heady rush of him and me was the only language I knew then. He was so deep in me and he just went at it harder and he went “oh
my
GOD
, Julie,” once, or twice...or more...anyway very soon we were both coming together!...and then as our massive hell of an orgasm began to subside — “waves crashing in” would be a lame cliché but that’s what it felt like! — we both collapsed side by side...me on my back and Ed lying on his front...I felt like I was dying in utmost relaxation, yet soaring over the clouds in the skies at the same time.

I was so entirely content. It was like I was still feeling him flow through my entire brain and bloodstream and spirit...I was still catching my breath, and I thought to myself that he was sleeping or taking a literal forty winks...and...I started to think...all the thoughts started creeping up in my mind — did he like it?...what about now?...and HOW were we going to hide this during Christmas, meeting friends and family...and beyond that? Would there even be a “beyond”? What should we do?

I moved closer, my body up against Ed’s...and his natural scent, Good God it drove me wild...the mere
thought
of the memory of it does...it must have been the hot sweaty pheromones...

I tried not to worry: if Ed would be appalled and disgusted with me when he woke up, if it was I that “seduced my brother”, if we were going to keep this a sinister secret, if people got upset if they knew, if there was anyone else in the whole world that had experienced this, if there was anything that Ed had done that came close to this, if what we did was depraved, if there was something wrong about us...

I hugged him with one arm, touching and caressing his body. I whispered over his neck...“Ed, Ed...”...and he grunted a muted “uh” in reply...he wouldn’t look at me. His eyes were shut, so I gave him a few kisses over the spot that I’d whispered his name...I guess he was still konked out...then his hand came up to meet mine, which was over his right shoulder...he gently held my fingertips...it’s nice how a small gesture can mean so much...we held hands for a long time...it was wicked lovely, the whole thing, from his first hug down to my last kiss...and it was so calming...together with Ed in the afterglow...me on him...skin on skin.

[Ed / 24 Dec 2007]

Past two days, I have had the privilege, the unknown to all of mankind privilege of losing and finding myself in Julie...of waking up beside her...of waking up to dreaming reality in her eyes.

That night...we were talking and making love until 6 in the morning...we were willing
,
open, honest...and tomorrow, when we have to meet people we care about and who care about us, we’ve agreed to put whatever acting skills we have to good use...because the world will not understand...she and I will just pretend that everything is normal, that nothing happened...that all we are...are bro and sis.

And I was just thinking. I was thinking yesterday when I came home from work, and we ended up in my bed again like the first night. We’re not a couple of horndogs who just wanna get busy, it’s more than that, I don’t have the words. Even if you spilled open the whole dictionary and placed all of it into a microchip in my head...what are words when there’s Julie, lost in a world of her own, lost in a world that isn’t shut out to you? To be embraced by her sweetness, and kind lovingness...her brightness, intelligence...and her breath-taking, flawless body...bliss thrashing about in the look on her face. Her mouth open in that perfect shape, right before you. Her hair falling over you, each and every one of her rapid breaths telling you to wrap her in closer...

And today, again, I was envisioning seeking some further shores...beyond the dog-eat-dog, polluted, dreary mundanity of city living...and I don’t know about the countryside, but I want to go some place...
exotic
, some place that makes me feel
alive
. Where there’s culture, beauty. Something that will reach my soul. I know that itch, that urge, that call to see the world, explore everything, and take her with me by the hand because she makes me want to be my best...I want to live life with her...

I don’t know about signs/synchronicity/fate and all...but 2 hours ago I get an e-mail from Ruffy...the fella with the monkey limbs...who’s telling me to check this thing out coz I could travel at the same time and
will this work will this work
if the opportunity shows itself...one should always, always take it before it’s too late...Rafiz says he’ll buy a fake degree if he needs to, coz he wants to travel and do this too and he just doesn’t have the funds to get this piece of paper and even doctors and lawyers cheat on their exams seriously what is Education nowadays
life is so short, I’m so tempted to do this
.

One thing is that as we Julie and I were talking today...we talked about that night and admitted that we both enjoyed it and “in theory” it’s blabbity bleh oh so wrong for us to sleep in the same bed together.

But we both love each other, more than ever before, in a way I never thought was possible. In a way I never
in my wildest dreams
would have believed I’d know...but if this is true...jesus hella christ I can and will do

ANYTHING.

[Julie : 8 June 2008]

So far, so good. Everything is still under the radar.

I think Ed’s one of those people who’d easily beat a lie detector test. On Christmas day, before we left his apartment, he told me not to worry about us being found out, that he’d “throw everyone off track.” I said okay, but I didn’t realize how convincing he’d be.

There he was telling everybody (who asked) how he’s “going out with a girl he met online” and how they “have a lot in common”...and when asked what her name was, he said, “Bella,” and this mystery girl was “studying to be a nurse.”  I had to ask him when we had a moment alone, to double-check whether it was true.

“
Of course not,” he said. “It’s all made up...I told you about it. Didn’t I?”

“
Uhm, throwing people...off guard?”

“
Yeah. And, Julie...” he whispered into my ear. “We were watching the same TV screen. I got all the info from there. Even the name.”

“
What were we watching? When?”

“
CSI. Before dinner.”

I still think he could have prepared me a little better. And yes we had been watching TV for a few minutes, before I left to do something else. I wasn’t even aware, that I wasn’t aware of what show was on. All I remember was Ed’s unhurried, but deliberate hand going onto my thigh, when he saw that no one was around. I really had to move out of there immediately. We smooched in his room later, but didn’t dare risk trying anything else.

Fast-forward a few months. I’m a high school graduate.

I’m at Ed’s place now. I’m spending two weeks here. I catch up on reading for leisure (not for studies) during the day, when he isn’t in.

I’m glad to be out of school...and at the same time, I’m at an absolute loss as to what to do...I mean, do I know what I want to do or be?

I figure I’ll get some crummy job and start saving up...so that if/when I do want to do something, I have the means to do so. A little bit, at least.

So we talk about all this at night, lying side by side on his bed.

Ed says a friend told him about teaching English overseas, with this program. It’s so mad, and seems to be a cool idea. But he says he won’t go if I want him to stay.

“
Good Lord,” I say. “Just go for it.”

“
Would you come along?” Ed asks.

“
I’d love to, if I could...have you checked it out?”

“
I will be...I’d like to see how it feels out in the world...but I don’t know how you feel about it.”

“
Well...I don’t want to hold you back, just because I’d rather you be closer to home.”

I’d be lying if I say I have no reservations. But I think it’s selfish if I put myself first. My brother has been talking about this since he knew what an airplane was, so it means a lot to him.

“
We’ll figure something out,” Ed says. Assuredly.

Ed’s like so...brave. He just goes for what he wants. I really admire the way he throws himself into his endeavors whole-heartedly. I guess that way you really experience what life has to offer, clichéd as it sounds.

Deep down I know what I want...but I’m just not sure. It’s not just the fact about hiding it from everybody...I just...don’t want to destroy what we have? I mean, this is worse than deep sea diving over a cliff with no life-jacket, and you can see the sharp rocks jutting out, and you’re trying and trying to dodge them...

Our feelings are more than just brother and sister, or good friends. It’s evolved into something deeper...how do you explain or describe this...and what if...I mean I can’t guarantee anything, but in a worst case scenario, what if it just falls apart along the way?!