Princess Lessons (8 page)

Contrary to popular belief, you don't need to have gotten
straight A's in high school to rule a country. You don't have to have gone to
high school at all—especially if you inherit a throne, the way I'm going to
someday.

Sadly, however, there will be those (like my
dad, who says I still have to go to college, despite the fact I already have
the princess career all lined up) who will insist upon your not only finishing
high school, but on receiving a secondary education as well. And really, if you
think about it, it's probably good to learn about world history and math, etc.,
so you'll at least have some idea what you're doing when you meet with
Parliament and sign tax bills into laws and stuff.

So far, high
school has been the worst experience of my life (not including the whole
princess thing). Anybody who says these are the best years of your life is
probably someone who was popular or something when they were in high
school.

The prevailing assumption when I
was a girl was that young ladies needed only to be sent to school to receive a
formal education if they were homely or had no other way of meeting eligible
young men.

Today things are so very different. I think it
is vital that girls learn at school the important skills that are sometimes
neglected by their mothers. Every princess-in-training needs a thorough
education in the following:

• Latin (in order to
read the family crests of her peers)

• French (so that she
will understand the sweet nothings being whispered in her ear; also the menu at
Lespinasse)

• Needlepoint (embroidery,
petit-point
, crochet—a lady's hands never rest)

• Dancing (waltz, rumba, tango)

• Gemology (so that
she can tell a fake from the real thing)

Proper familiarity with the above will guarantee any
girl a lifetime of thrilling romantic encounters and exotic adventures.

Every girl
needs to learn to ballroom dance…

…so she won't
look like a loser at the prom.

The responsibilities facing world
leaders today are mind-boggling. Only through contributing to the global good
by strengthening democratic governance shall we put an end to tyranny and
dictatorship. Effective professionals in international service and
governance today need a thorough understanding of theory and history as well as
superior analytical and practical skills. Anyone hoping for a career in the
public service, or even to help solve problems facing public servants today,
must have at least a passing familiarity, if not an actual degree, in the
following:

• Economic Policy

• Bioethics

• Quantitative Business
Analysis

• Fiscal Decentralization and Local Government
Finance

• Comparative Income Tax Design

• Analytic Frameworks for Policy

• Agribusiness and
Food Policy

• Privatization, Finance, and the Regulation of
Public Infrastructure

• Negotiating EU
Enlargement

• Viable Communities and Public
Safety

• Environmental and Resource Science

• Justice and Public Policy Issues

• Designing and
Managing Energy Systems

• Education Policy and Urban School
Reform

• Human Rights, State Sovereignty, and
Persecution

• War and Ethnic Conflict

• Law and Politics of International Conflict Management

• Force and State Craft

• Intervention and
Peacekeeping

• Gaining and Using Institutional
Power

• Leadership in the Face of Conflict

• Multi-Party Dispute Resolution

• Intelligence, Command, and Control

• Defense
Resource Allocation and Force Planning

• Controlling
Proliferation of Weapons of

Mass
Destruction

Through careful diplomacy, the seeds of international
peace have been sown. Only through education will peace flourish. The fate of
the world is in YOUR hands. Do not fail us.

Extracurriculars
aren't just something you do after school to meet boys (although that is an
added plus). No, colleges look at your transcripts to see whether or not you
were involved in after-school activities.

Some extracurricular activities
that you might consider taking part in are cheerleading (if you are pretty and
flexible enough), soccer, gymnastics, crew, lacrosse, track, basketball,
football, baseball, or volleyball.

Some of the geek
extracurriculars are yearbook, the school paper, drama club, choir, chess club,
computer club, etc.

And if you are a true dork, you can volunteer
after school for organizations like Meals on Wheels,
Greenpeace, your local library, hospital, or homeless shelter. Colleges really
like that kind of thing, even though it mostly means you have to be around
people you normally wouldn't be caught dead with.

And now I would
just like to take this opportunity to ask all of you to please stop hogging the
mirror every day in the girls' room, because it is really hard for me to get in
there and check my lip gloss.

[What Lana doesn't seem to realize is that all the so-called
geeks in our school today are tomorrow's Bill Gateses, George Clooneys, and
Steven Spielbergs. By alienating them she is only making it that much more
unlikely that any of them will look her way at our future class
reunions.]

So you've finally found your handsome prince…or at least a guy you'd like to get to know better. Here are some ways you can attract his attention without causing him to run from you and your ardor like a startled fawn, from romance expert (she has read more than one thousand romance novels!) and fellow high schooler Tina Hakim Baba.

Also included: a contribution from special guest Michael Moscovitz (that's right…MY ROYAL CONSORT).

Seven secrets to securing your true love's heart, or at least a date with him:

1. Look neat and pretty around the object of your affections. Clearly this is not possible if the two of you have the same gym class, but you know what I mean: Try to look as neat and pretty as possible, within reason.

2. Be friendly, but do not come on too strong: Smile at the guy, and say hi when you see him. If an opportunity for conversation crops up, seize it, but do not go out of your way to make this happen. (For instance, don't pretend to bump into him then drop your tiara. Most of the time, boys can see through ploys like this.)

 

3. Once you have made his acquaintance, try to keep things light. Don't blurt out all your problems—no matter how interesting or dramatic you might think they are—or gossip in a mean way. Remember, you are trying to impress him with your wit and charm, not scare or repulse him.

4. Don't forget to listen when it's his turn to say something. There is nothing more irresistible than a good listener. A good listener:

• Never interrupts

• Makes eye contact

• Lets the person say everything he or she has to say before speaking herself

5. Don't get upset if you have a lot of conversations with the same guy and he still doesn't ask you out. Boys do not mature as rapidly as girls, and he may not even be thinking along those lines yet.

6. You may need to resort to more drastic measures, such as
joining the same club he belongs to, or showing up at the same events he
attends, before he finally notices you. There is nothing wrong with feigning an
interest in, say, arachnids, if he is a spider lover. But it is usually better
once you are going out to admit that you don't really care
for eight-legged creatures…just for him! He will probably be flattered. Just
make sure you genuinely
do
have a few things in common, or
you'll end up spending a lot more time than anyone would care to in the insect
house at the zoo or watching tarantula documentaries on the Discovery
Channel.

7. If, after all
of this, the guy still hasn't asked you out, you may need to take the bull by
the horns (so to speak), and ask him out yourself.

According to Mia's grandmother, it is never okay for a girl to
ask a guy out. No offense to the dowager princess, but this isn't true. The
only thing that is never okay is to keep asking out someone who consistently
turns you down. He is turning you down for a reason, and that reason may be
that he isn't interested in you in that way; he likes someone else; he's not
allowed to date outside his own faith; or he's betrothed to another. Try not to
take his refusal personally (even though I know it's hard not to) and move on.
Who knows? Eventually he might come to his senses (but by that time you'll
probably have found the love of your life!).

Six secrets that will
help turn that
No, thanks
into an
I can't
wait
:

1. Study
dates are good because they are low pressure. For instance, you can ask a guy
to come over (while your parents are home) so that the two of you can quiz each
other for your World Civ exam. Group dates are also an excellent way to get to
know someone. Going ice skating, out to eat, or to the movies in a large group
is fun and less intimidating than one-on-one dating when you are just
beginning to get acquainted with someone.

2. Ask the guy out to a
specific event scheduled for a specific date. Don't say, “Do you want to hang
out sometime?” This is bad because there is no polite way he can get out of it
if in fact he likes someone else. Instead, ask, “Would you like to attend my
coronation with me on Saturday night?” This way, if he likes you, but he is
busy Saturday night, he can say, “Sorry, I can't. But I can go Sunday.” Or, if
he doesn't like you, he can just say, “Sorry, I can't.”

3. Generally you should ask someone out
two to three days before the event—at least a week or more in advance if it is
a special event, like the Prom. It is rude to call someone on Saturday night
and ask them out for that evening, unless it is for a casual group thing. To
wait until the last minute to ask someone out implies that you assumed he or
she did not have other plans.

4. Ask him out in person, over the phone, or through e-mail.
Don't have someone else ask him out for you because you're too chicken to ask
him yourself! No one likes a scaredy-cat. Besides, if he says no, all these
other people will know about it, and you will be mortified.

5. Ask when he is alone, not hanging out with
a group of friends. Most guys are pretty immature, and give each other a hard
time about these things. Spare him—and yourself—the agony. And if you are
calling, call at a decent hour, like before nine in the evening. No need to get
his parents upset before they've even met you!

6. Generally, the person who does the
asking is the person who does the paying. Never ask a guy out and expect HIM to
pay your way! If you are not prepared to pay his way, make sure he knows that
in advance, so he brings enough money. For instance, you might say, “Want to go
bowling at Chelsea Piers on Friday Night? I'll pay for the pizza if you pay for
the shoes and games.”

You lucky girl! He asked! He finally
asked! Now don't blow it by jumping around, pumping your fist in the air. Be
enthusiastic, but be cool.

[If you are like me, and your father, the prince of a small
European country won't allow you to go out with a boy he hasn't met, you must
confess this IMMEDIATELY to any boy who asks you out. It is not fair to the boy
just to spring it on him at the last minute. He needs time to prepare mentally,
because meeting monarchs can be very intimidating.]

1. If you have to check with
your parents before accepting a date, say, “Oh, I'd love to go to the
planetarium with you on Saturday, but I have to check with my mom first. May I
call you back when I know for sure?” Then be sure to call him back
promptly.