Promise Me (16 page)

It wasn’t until I was on the plane with my Aunt Deena that reality sunk in, and I sort of got lost inside myself. I was just glad Deena was understanding. She’d been so nice to me from the moment she’d arrived, hugging me close and telling me everything would be okay. I’d liked her warmth, and her lilting southern accent was comforting. She was kind in a way that I’d never really known.

I’d thought about Kate as we flew south, although I didn’t mention her to my aunt. I thought about the night before and our kiss and how I’d slept next to her in her bed, because it was the only place I’d felt safe. And I thought about the fact that I didn’t even say goodbye to her.

I wondered if she knew what had happened. I wondered if she knew that I was gone. I hadn’t gone home to pack up my things. The woman from social services had packed a suitcase for me. I wondered if Kate had run into her after school and asked where I was.

I should have called her – just to let her know that I was okay, even if I really wasn’t – at least not emotionally. But physically, I was fine, and I apparently had a family who was going to take care of me. That’s what my Aunt Deena had told me while we rode to the airport. I was going to be okay.

I felt like Kate should know that. She’d worry about me otherwise, but as soon as I walked into my new house in Texas and met my uncle and my cousins, everything about my old life started to fade away. And as I processed what had happened to my mother and tried to move forward, I told myself I needed to call Kate. But for some reason, I could never pick up the phone and dial her number.

After six months, too much time had passed, and I forced myself to stop thinking about her. She was my old life, and I had the chance to have a great new life with my new family. I was finally starting to come to terms with everything that had happened. I was seeing a therapist, and he’d gotten me to open up about how painful my childhood had been for so many reasons. With that came the mindset that although Kate had been my best friend, so much of what had linked us was the pain we both shared.

I had a chance to move beyond that pain and have a life I’d only ever dreamed of. Calling her and dredging up the past wasn’t going to help me move on, so with that in mind, I let her go. Or at least I tried to let her go. I guess it didn’t really work or I wouldn’t be obsessing about her.

But regardless of how I felt now, it didn’t change the fact that I’d bailed on her. I’d let her go without a word, and I’d never tried to make things right. And I had no idea how she felt about that. Knowing her and how much she cared for others, there was a very real possibility that if I told her who I was now, she’d hate me. She’d remember the fact that I left, that I didn’t call, and she’d decide she wanted nothing to do with me.

She liked me – Jack Kinsley – the boy from Texas who she’d gotten to know, but would she like me if she knew I’d been Johnny Evans, the boy she’d called her best friend, who’d ended up leaving without a word? I wasn’t sure, and a part of me didn’t want to risk telling her.

“She might hate me because of everything that happened,” I told my aunt. “I didn’t say goodbye, and I never called. I just left her.”

“Jack, I think the circumstances were a little more severe than that. We’ve talked about this before. We both know you didn’t choose to leave.”

I shook my head. “I know I didn’t choose to leave, but I’ve been thinking about how I’d feel if I’d been in her shoes. I would have been really hurt. Did I tell you that she was the first girl I kissed?”

Aunt Deena looked surprised to hear that. “She was?”

I nodded. “I kissed her the night before everything happened. I’m not sure why, but it just felt right. It was her first kiss too, and I remember falling asleep that night thinking that I loved her. Of course I didn’t really know what love was, so who knows if what I was feeling was real, but it felt real to me.”

“You were only twelve,” she reminded me.

“I know, but Kate was everything to me back then. You don’t know what it’s been like to see her again. I know I tried not to think about her all these years, but I was kidding myself if I thought I could do that. She was so important to me, and I can’t believe I just disappeared from her life like I did.”

“Jack, you had just gone through something traumatic. No one could blame you for anything you did or said back then.”

“I know. I just feel bad, you know?”

“I do know,” she said, and then she paused, looking at me pointedly. “So, do you have feelings for Kate now?”

I almost spit out the tea I’d just swallowed. “No,” I said quickly. “Why would you ask that?”

Aunt Deena waited a few seconds before she answered. “I just assumed that might be the case – based on what you’ve said about her in the past few minutes.”

“No, it’s not like that at all with us,” I said, shaking my head. “She’s really cool, and I love hanging out with her, but she’s just a friend.”

Aunt Deena nodded. “Well, then I think you should tell her who you are,” she said as she finished her tea and set the glass in the sink.

I drummed my fingers on the countertop, still not sure what I should do. “Maybe.”

She reached out and took my hand in hers, forcing me to look up at her. “Jack, I think it’ll help. At the very least, she’ll get to know that you’re okay after all these years. If she was as worried as you think she might have been, don’t you think it’ll put her mind at ease to know that you have a great life with a family who loves you?”

“She already knows that,” I said sheepishly, knowing I talked about my family too much.

Aunt Deena smiled. “But she doesn’t know who you really are, so she has no reason to care about how wonderful your life is – even though I’m sure she loves hearing all about us, because let’s face it, we’re a pretty amazing bunch. If she knew you were her friend Johnny who faced a tragedy no child should ever have to face, and if she once cared about you as much as you cared for her, she deserves to know that you ended up in a great place.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“I usually am,” Aunt Deena said playfully. “Now why don’t you put your stuff away and you can come with me to the grocery store.”

“Ooh, can I?” I teased her as I slid off my stool.

She smirked at me. “You used to love going to the grocery store with me.”

“That’s because I was amazed with how much food you bought. It was insane to me – and you always bought me a cookie.”

She winked at me. “I’ll buy you one today if you’re good.”

That made me laugh. “Okay, you talked me into it.”

“I knew that would do it for you,” she called after me as I headed back to the front hall to grab my bag and head upstairs to my old room.

Aunt Deena had left it exactly the way I’d decorated it in high school, and I was always glad to return to the comfort of it whenever I came home. Instead of unpacking, I flopped onto my bed and looked up at the ceiling, thinking over what she had said to me. She was probably right, but I still didn’t know how I was supposed to drop such a huge bomb on Kate.

At least I had a few days to think about it. I wouldn’t see her again until we had class together on Monday morning. Maybe then I could figure out when it might be a good time to talk to her – if there really ever was a good time for what I had to say.

Chapter Nine

Jack

I knocked tentatively on the door to Kate’s apartment on Thursday night. I’d seen her a few times since I’d gotten back to Austin, but each time I told myself it wasn’t the right time to tell her. And it definitely wasn’t going to happen tonight. We’d made plans to study for our Macro test on Monday, so I was going to keep my focus on that. I didn’t mess around often when it came to my grades.

I was just glad she was as studious as I was, because none of my other friends had even thought about the test. I knew Alyssa would try to cram on Sunday night, which would most likely result in her coming over and begging me to help her memorize the information. I’d invited her to study with me in advance, but she’d told me she was busy with sorority stuff. And Micah might not study at all, so I figured I was on my own.

Initially, I’d planned to bring my books to Ray’s, since Kate always bartended on Thursday night. I figured I could quiz her while she worked, and in turn it would help me to retain the information. But when I’d told her my plan, she told me she actually had the night off. She’d apparently traded shifts with another bartender. So as soon as she said that, I asked her if she wanted to study for the test together.

She’d looked hesitant at first. Then she’d asked me why I wasn’t studying with Alyssa or Micah, so I’d had to explain. When she still didn't look convinced, I’d lied and told her I was struggling with a few of the topics, and I knew she had a good grasp on the material. I’d told her I really needed her help.

For a few seconds, I thought she was going to say no, but she’d finally relented, and we made plans to meet up at her apartment at seven. I told her I’d bring pizza, so there I was, my backpack on my back, a pizza with pepperoni and black olives in my hand, because I knew it was her favorite, and my stomach churning with nerves and excitement the way it always did whenever I was about to see her.

A few seconds later, Kate opened the door and greeted me with a wide smile. She looked more casual than I’d ever seen her with her long blond hair piled up on top of her head and no make-up. In my head I saw the girl I’d known years earlier who’d been too young to wear make-up and wore her hair up most of the time because we were usually running around outside. It was always shocking to see those glimpses of her in the twenty year-old woman she was today, but I loved it. It was comforting, like coming home after being gone for so long.

“Hey Jack,” she said cheerfully.

“I come bearing sustenance, as promised,” I told her as I handed her the pizza box.

She inhaled deeply. “That smells amazing,” she said as she stepped back to let me inside. “I’ve got everything set up in the living room, so feel free to make yourself comfortable.”

As I headed toward the living room, I could see a bag of gummy bears and a bag of Twizzlers, along with a few bottles of water littering the coffee table. I almost blurted out a teasing comment about how gummy bears had always been her favorite candy, but I caught myself in time. It was the second time in the past week that I’d almost said something that would completely give me away. I knew I had to be more careful, but it was just so easy to let my guard down with Kate that sometimes I forgot what I knew and she didn't.

“I’m kind of a junk food addict when I study,” she said guiltily as she trailed behind me.

“I don’t mind,” I told her. “Sugar fuels me more than I’d like to admit.”

Kate smiled widely at me. “It’s like we’re kindred spirits.”

Probably more than you even realize.

“Yeah, looks like it,” I told her, trying to keep my tone casual as I dropped my backpack and took a seat on the floor in front of the coffee table.

Kate set the pizza in the middle of the table, and then she walked back to the kitchen. I looked over to see her grabbing paper plates and napkins.

“Are you okay with water, or do you want something else to drink?” she asked me.

“I’d love a beer,” I told her, just because it had become somewhat of a joke between us.

“And I’d totally give you one – if I had any. I can’t get fired for serving you here.”

I nodded. “That’s good to know. Next time I’ll bring beer. I’ll just buy it at a place where my fake ID works – where the person selling it isn’t my neighbor who I didn’t remember meeting.”

Kate smiled as she came back into the living room and sat down across from me, handing me a plate and a napkin. “Well, considering your memory for people kind of sucks, you might not have the best luck with that.”

“I think I’ll take my chances,” I told her as I opened the pizza box and loaded three slices onto my plate.

Kate took one, and then she looked like she was debating taking another, so I made the decision for her, reaching into the box and dropping another slice onto her plate.

She smiled sheepishly. “I didn’t want to look like a pig,” she admitted. “But this is my favorite kind of pizza. How did you know?”

I shook my head. “I didn’t,” I lied. “It was just a lucky guess. And don’t worry, I’d never think you were a pig for eating a normal amount of food.”

“Well, that’s good. Then I won’t feel guilty for eating a third slice if I feel like it.”

“I’d actually encourage that,” I told her, loving that she ate a lot.

Alyssa was forever counting calories and watching her weight. Personally, I thought she was too thin. I knew she could add a few pounds and still look great, but she didn’t agree with me.

“So where do you want to start?” I asked Kate as I picked up my Macro book.

She groaned. “Nowhere. Let’s forget studying altogether and just watch TV. Doesn’t that sound like more fun?”

I smiled, knowing she was kidding. “That actually sounds awesome, but if we do that, I’ll have to stay up later tonight to study. Then I’ll be cranky tomorrow, and no one will want to be around me. Not to mention, my girlfriend will get mad at me for being tired and not wanting to go out tomorrow night, and I’ll have to spend the whole weekend dealing with her complaining about me being a crappy boyfriend. So I think I’ll just study now and save myself the hassle.”

“She’d really be upset with you if you didn’t want to go out because you were tired?” Kate asked tentatively as she took a bite of her pizza.

It was the first time she’d ever asked me about Alyssa. Usually Lys was a subject we didn’t broach unless I mentioned her in passing. Now I was afraid I’d painted her in a bad light.

“You’ve never seen me when I haven’t gotten any sleep,” I told Kate, trying to play down what I’d said – even though I’d sort of been telling the truth.

I knew Lys would be irritated with me if I missed the party one of her friends was throwing at his apartment on Friday night. She’d been looking forward to it all week, but it wasn’t like she be flat-out pissed or anything. We’d probably get into a small argument, she’d give me a hard time about bailing and act like she was mad, and then she’d go with her friends. She’d also get over it and end up at my apartment after the party, where she’d spend the night. We’d be fine.

“So you’re not so fun to be around when you’re tired?” Kate questioned, taking the bait.

“Not really,” I said, grimacing sheepishly. “I’m actually kind of unbearable when I’m sleep-deprived. And since Lys and I are always so busy, the weekends are usually the only time we get to see each other. I’d feel bad if I ruined our time together because I was in a bad mood.”

Kate hesitated for a few seconds, and I wondered what she was thinking, before she said, “I have a hard time believing that.”

“What? That I can be a jerk?”

She shrugged. “Yeah. You’re probably one of the most positive people I’ve ever met. I’m honestly not sure how you do it most of the time.”

I laughed. “It’s completely a front.”

“I don’t believe that,” she said, shaking her head as a smile formed on her lips.

“Yeah, okay, you got me,” I said sheepishly. “It’s not a front. I’m actually a really happy person.”

“That’s baffling to me.”

“Why?”

She looked lost for words for a few seconds before she said, “I’m just not sure I could ever feel that way. Life’s hard. The other shoe can drop and kick you in the ass at any moment. I guess I feel like it’s better to keep your guard up.”

As soon as she said it, I understood where she was coming from. Knowing what she’d faced early on in life, and probably what she’d faced for a long time after I knew her, it made sense that she was guarded. Happiness didn’t come easy to kids who had it rough, but it didn’t mean it was impossible.

“Didn’t you say you had a shitty childhood?” she asked before I could say anything, catching me off-guard.

I was surprised she remembered that. Since I’d made the comment a few weeks earlier, we hadn’t really talked about what my life had been like before I went to live with my aunt and uncle. Kate had never brought up the subject, and I’d steered clear of talking about my parents and why my aunt and uncle raised me, afraid I’d give myself away if I told her anything specific.

“My childhood was bad,” I agreed vaguely, still not wanting to talk about it. “But I was able to move past it. I had a lot of years of therapy and a great support system. More than anything, though, I think I just decided one day that I wasn’t going to let the bad shit I went through follow me around anymore. I got lucky. My aunt and uncle were like the parents I never had, and so much of what they did helped me let go of the anger and the pain I felt for a long time. My life is so good now, and I’m grateful for every day. I know everyone isn’t that lucky, and I just try to keep things in perspective. I don’t ever want to lose sight of how fortunate I am.”

“Why did you move in with your aunt and uncle?”

Dammit.

As soon as she said the words, my instinct was to deflect her away from the truth. I didn’t want to talk about my parents, mostly because it was painful, but I also knew that she’d figure out who I was as soon as I gave her any details. But I couldn’t just ignore her question. That would look outlandishly suspicious.

“My parents couldn’t take care of me anymore, so my aunt and uncle took me in,” I told her, saying as little as possible as I opened my Macro book, intent on changing the subject.

I could feel Kate’s eyes on me, but she didn’t say anything.

“Was you dad killed in action?” she finally asked after several painful seconds of silence.

As she said that, I remembered telling her that my dad had been in the military, but that was pretty much all I’d told her about him. As a general rule, I tried not to think of him, let alone talk about him.

“No, he wasn’t,” I said tightly, not able to meet her gaze.

I wasn’t lying, but it felt like I was. I definitely wasn’t telling her the whole truth.

“I’m sorry,” Kate said quickly. “That was so rude of me. I can’t believe I asked you that.”

I took a deep breath and looked up at her, steeling myself. “It’s okay,” I said, fighting to keep my voice steady.

My father was the only subject that could truly rattle me. What he did to my mom and the fact that he was rotting away in a jail cell never brought me any comfort. I hated that he got to live and she didn’t. I didn’t even care if he was remorseful, which I had no idea if he was. I hadn’t had any contact with him since I’d left Indiana, and I didn’t plan to. He could die alone in prison for all I cared. I only had feelings of hatred for him, and those only increased when I thought about the fact that we shared DNA.

“No, it’s not okay,” Kate insisted. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. I just don’t like to talk about my parents.”

She looked down at the table, and then she met my gaze. “Then we won’t talk about them.”

I smiled. “Thank you.”

I was trying to get us back to that comfortable, casual place where we usually resided, but the look on Kate’s face told me she wasn’t going to be as quick to let go of what I’d said. She’d always been sensitive to other people’s feelings. It was one of the things I usually appreciated about her, but today I found myself wishing she wasn’t so intuitive.

“I’m fine, Kate,” I assured her, trying to head her off at the pass, since she looked like she wanted to say something else. “I promise.”

“Okay,” she said hesitantly after a few seconds, giving me a small smile.

“That’s what I like to see,” I said, returning her smile. “Now, are you ready to have some real fun?”

I picked up my Macro book and waved it in front of her, making her laugh.

“Fun with Macroeconomics?” she groaned playfully. “Not likely.”

“Really?”

“You have no idea how much I hate this subject. It’s so awful.”

I smiled. “I know you hate it. You’ve mentioned it a few times, but you also know the material. That’s why I’m here. And I really can make the most mundane things fun. It’s sort of a hidden talent of mine.”

“Oh yeah?” she questioned skeptically

I smirked at her. “Have I not made work more fun for you over the past two weeks?”

She laughed. “Oh, it’s been fun alright. Distracting at times, but still fun.”