Promise Me (18 page)

It was sort of a lie, but it was better than coming right out and telling her everything. I just needed to buy some time.

“You do?” she questioned in confusion. “Who?”

I hesitated before I spoke, knowing that if I said the name, there would be no going back. But seeing the look on her face – a mix of anger and confusion and pain – I knew I couldn’t keep lying to her. It was wrong.

“Johnny Evans.”

I watched all the color drain from Kate’s face as I said his – my – name. It was hard to think of myself as him anymore though. I’d given up that name years earlier, and no one outside of my family knew it had been my name for the first twelve years of my life. I’d had it legally changed before I’d started school in Texas, and every single person I’d met from that point forward had been introduced to Jack Kinsley. To me, Johnny Evans was dead.

“You – you know Johnny?” Kate questioned in disbelief, her voice barely above a whisper.

I nodded as I started to scoop up my books and my notes, my half-eaten sundae melting in the dish in front of me. I wasn’t sure I could even stomach food at that point, and a part of me just wanted to leave. I needed to get away from Kate before I said anything else I’d regret.

I just wasn’t sure she’d let me. The look on her face told me she had a million questions, and I wanted to answer none of them.

“How do you know him?” she asked earnestly. “Is he okay? What happened to him?”

“Kate, I have to go,” I told her as I stuffed everything into my backpack, the pizza and ice cream I’d eaten churning in my stomach, threatening to make a reappearance.

“What? No! You can’t go. You have to tell me about Johnny.”

I shook my head. “Not tonight,” I said as I got to my feet and slung my bag onto my shoulder.

Johnny was the last person I wanted to talk about. The life he’d lived, the pain he’d experienced, the hurt he’d felt, they were all so foreign to the life I’d carved out for myself over the past eight years. My life was good, but it hadn’t been for a long time. I didn’t realize it before, but Kate finding out who I was meant I’d have to relive the things I’d forced to the back of my mind years earlier. I’d have to relive what it was like to lose my mother, to learn that my father was a murderer, and to feel that punch to the gut as I thought about how long it had taken me to get past it all.

The therapy sessions where I’d cried my eyes out, and the night terrors that would grip me so hard I’d scream out loud in my sleep and wake up the whole house. The memories of my father stalking through our trailer, yelling and cursing, hitting my mother, hitting me, and the general fear that came with living with a psychopath – all of it had gripped me like a vice for almost a year before I was able to let it go, a little bit at a time.

I wanted to remember none of it, yet it was all suddenly assaulting me as I tried to escape the questions that were surely on the tip of Kate’s tongue. Saying my old name was all it took for me to feel like a terrified kid again. I was instantly back in my own crappy trailer, too afraid to close my eyes at night for fear that I wouldn’t be able to wake up quickly enough to defend myself if I had to. I could hear my dad’s booming voice as he slurred and cursed and stomped around, making demands and accusations, and forcing fear into the deepest parts of me.

I knew I had to get out of Kate’s apartment before I lost it. I started to walk toward the front door as I heard her scramble to her feet behind me.

“Jack, how do you know him?” she asked earnestly.

“I just do,” I told her. Then I turned to face her, hoping it would be enough to appease her curiosity for a little while. Maybe then I’d be able to talk about the past. “He’s good. His life is actually pretty great. You don’t have to worry about him.”

As she comprehended my words, I watched her expression change to one of recognition. I’d thought I was being vague, but the clarity that suddenly dawned on her face told me otherwise. I didn’t know if it was what I’d said or how I’d said it, or if she was just seeing me differently for the first time, but I knew in that moment that she’d figured everything out.

“I have to go,” I said quickly, and I pushed open her front door and pulled it tight behind me before she could say another word or follow me outside.

I surged across the hall to my apartment, opening the door as quickly as I could. Once I was safely inside, I leaned back against the door and forced myself to take a few calming breaths.

“You okay, man?” Cullen asked from the couch.

I looked up in surprise, not expecting him to be home. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“You sure? You sort of look spooked.”

“I’m fine,” I told him as I pushed off the door and started for my room. Then I stopped and looked back at him. “If Kate comes over, tell her I’m not home.”

“Kate? You mean our neighbor Kate?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

“Why would she come over here?”

“She just might okay?” I snapped. “And I don’t want to talk to her right now.”

He looked at me skeptically. “I didn’t think you really knew her.”

“Well, I do,” I said tersely. “We have a class together.”

“Oh, okay. So why don’t you want to talk to her? What happened?”

“Nothing happened,” I said quickly. “We were just studying. I needed a break.”

Cullen looked at me in suspicion. Then his eyes got wide. “You hooked up with her!”

“No, I didn’t,” I said quickly, not wanting that rumor flying around for a second.

“Bullshit. You totally hooked up with her.

I shook my head. “Not even close, man,” I said as a knock sounded on the front door.

Fuck.
It was her.

“You going to answer that?” Cullen asked me in amusement.

“Fuck off,” I told him. “Just tell her I’m not here.”

I left him alone to deal with Kate as I tore back to my bedroom. Slamming the door behind me, I let my backpack fall to the floor as my stomach heaved. I swallowed back the vomit and took a few fortifying breaths, letting my hands fall to my knees. When my stomach heaved again, I lunged for the bathroom, making it just in time.

Tears pricked the backs of my eyes, and I sunk to the floor, feeling the energy drain out of me. I hadn’t felt this helpless since I was a kid, and it was suddenly like every bit of therapy I’d been through failed me all at once. I couldn’t remember the breathing techniques I’d learned, because I hadn’t had to use them in so long. I couldn’t remember how to clear my head, and I couldn’t stop the barrage of images from racing through my mind. The fear, the blame, the utter guilt, it was all right there as I leaned my head against the wall and prayed for it to be over soon.

I knew I was having a panic attack. I’d had them all the time the first year I lived in Texas, but then they’d stopped. I hadn’t expected them to come back. That was probably why I felt so beat down all of a sudden. The attack had come out of nowhere, and I hadn’t seen it coming.

I tried to breathe and forced myself to think of the things in my life that were as non-threatening as they could get – my family, playing football, getting accepted into UT, laughing with my friends, racing my truck down a dirt road with the windows down, Fall Out Boy blaring from the speakers. Those were the things that made me smile.

I felt my heartrate start to slow as my mind drifted to my pre-med classes that I loved, the feeling I got from getting an A on a paper, and what it felt like to finally be a Sigma Delt brother. I thought about my first UT football game, and I thought about Alyssa’s smile, and then Kate drifted into my mind. I saw her laughing as she poured drinks behind the bar and made a teasing comment to me. I saw her face when she looked up and saw me, and I saw how studious she looked taking notes in class.

I took a deep breath and forced myself to remember that everything that terrified me was in the past. It wasn’t even close to coming back to haunt me. I was stronger than that, and I wouldn’t let it. I’d fight back with everything in me if I had to, because I had too much good in my life.

Kate was one of those good things. She was my friend. She was sweet and kind and funny, and I was so glad to have her back. We’d both been through some shit, but we’d come out of it okay. Hell, I was better than okay. I was great.

Johnny Evans was dead. He was gone, and he wasn’t coming back. Neither was my father.

I took another deep breath as I heard a soft knock on my bedroom door, followed by Kate’s voice uttering my name.

She called me Jack – because that was my name. I wasn’t Johnny anymore, and I hadn’t been him for a long time. And even if I talked about him, even if I remembered how bad things had been, I wouldn’t go back to being him. It didn’t work that way.

“Just a second,” I called out to Kate.

I drew a ragged breath into my lungs and got to my feet. Taking a hard look in the mirror, I told myself that I was fine. I was good.

I took a few seconds to clean myself up and swish around some mouthwash, and then I went to my bedroom door. I opened it to see Kate standing there looking uncertain, her hands clasped in front of her.

“Is it really you?” she asked me, her voice barely above a whisper.

I nodded, making the smallest movement I could, just enough to let her know the answer to her question.

“Oh, my God,” she gasped as she threw her arms around my neck and pulled me into a hug. “Oh, my God.”

I hugged her back, because truthfully, I’d wanted to do it since I’d seen her again. The kind of closeness that only best friends could share wasn’t something Kate and I had achieved as we’d gotten to know each other over the past month, but now that she knew who I really was, it was like all of those barriers had fallen away. It was just me and her, and the boundaries people used when they were unsure of the other person no longer felt relevant. We
knew
each other. We knew each other so damn well.

“I can’t believe it’s you,” she said as she pulled away and looked at me, a wide smile on her face. “How?”

“How what?” I asked, my voice sounding gravelly.

She shook her head, laughing lightly, and my fears that she’d be angry with me if she knew who I was, faded away in an instant. Unfortunately they were replaced by different emotions that were even harder for me to face.

“I don’t even know what I’m saying,” Kate said around her laugher. “I have so many questions.” Then she cupped my face with her hand. “I can’t believe it’s you, Johnny.”

I felt my entire body tighten as she called me that, and I shook my head. “Jack,” I said quickly. “My name’s Jack.”

Kate must have sensed how important that one detail was to me, because all the lightheartedness faded from her expression as her eyes locked with mine. She nodded. “Jack then. It’s still so good to see you.” She let out a shaky breath. “I just can’t believe it. You knew who I was?”

I nodded. “I figured it out pretty quickly. You haven’t really changed that much.”

She smiled and shook her head. “But everything about you has changed,” she said, fingering my longer, darker hair. I never would have recognized you.” She laughed nervously. “I
didn’t
recognize you.”

“But you did,” I reminded her.

She nodded. “It was your expression. It was like you suddenly looked so familiar, and I just knew.”

“Somethings you can’t change,” I said flatly.

Kate smiled, and I wasn’t sure if she knew how hard this was for me.

“Why didn’t you tell me who you were?” she asked softly.

“I was afraid. Things with us – they just ended, and I never got the chance to say goodbye. I never called you. I was worried that you’d hate me for it.”

She shook her head as a small smile formed on her lips. “Never. You were my best friend.”

“It was just an insecure notion then, I guess.”

“I’ll say. So, can I come in? I feel like there are a thousand things swimming around in my mind, and I want to talk to you about all of them.”

“Not tonight, Kate,” I said, and I watched her face fall.

“Oh. Okay,” she said, and I was grateful that she didn’t push me. “Are you alright?”

No.

“I’ll be fine,” I assured her. “I just need some time.”

“Time? But you’re not the one who just found out her best friend is alive and well and living across the hall from her. You’ve had time to process this. I’m the one who should be asking for time.”

“It’s not that,” I assured her. “There are just a lot of things that worked their way to the surface tonight, and I need some time to think through them. Trust me when I tell you it has nothing to do with you. I was completely elated when I realized who you were, and it’s been incredible getting to know you again. This is other stuff that I thought was buried deep. Just give me a few days. I promise we’ll talk, and I’ll answer as many of your questions as I can.”

She smiled. “Of course. Is there anything I can do?”

God, she was sweet. She’d always been more concerned about me than anything she’d been going through. I’d always loved that about her.

“Just give me time,” I told her. “And know that I’m as happy as you are to get this second chance. I didn’t realize how much I missed you until I saw you again. I’m truly sorry I never called.”