Authors: Chuck Palahniuk
Breathing cow father say, “You’ll grow into it.” Say, stinking fluoride breath, “Here,” and hand over fabric rag glued to hang off end of wood stick. American flag little as napkin. White, red, and blue.
Fingers of operative me pinch wood stick like stem of stinking weed. Wave stripe flag to fan away reek of host family air. Butter fat stench. Chemical hair soap stink. Such filthy reek American cash money.
Hand of vast cow father, hand rise, all finger made straight as for pledge. Lips host father say, “We’re not
just
a family.” Say shout, “We’re a
team!
”
Same now, host mother flex both leg limbs so able leap, smite own palm against open hand of father, making loud sound of slap hands. Say shout host chicken mother, “
Team Cedar!
”
Begins here delicious tang of host family, thin American blood already salt on hot tongue of operative me. Already is decadent host family flesh tear by operative teeth. Drool of operative me, flooding hunger within mouth making to swallow. Tongue to lick lips of operative me. Drown cyanide molar. Could be crunch of host bones sweet between teeth of this agent. Stomach to growl. Quick them to be screaming out blood, mouth trumpet yawning blood, quick dead. Ultimate vengeance.
Label tag inside collar of Jesus tunic, print “Made in China.”
Label tag along weed stem of American flag, print “Made in China.”
Operative me not say loud, only say inside this agent head, quote turncoat Hebrew, corrupt genius Robert Oppenheimer, atom bomb father, quote, “I am become as death, the destroyer of worlds.” Next then, making agent eyes bright on host target family, mouth of operative design into smile, extra especial wide to show all of many sharp white teeth.
Quote, “All the better to eat you with, my dears.”
Repeat inside head of operative me, quote, “I am become as death…”
Chicken mother say, “We’ll make an American out of you…” Keys of automobile jangling, beak chin wagging no stop, host mother say, “Or, swear to our Lord almighty God, we are gonna die trying.”
Begins here second account of operative me, agent number 67, on arrival retail product distribution facility of city.
Outlet number
. Date
. For official record, during American winter youth attend compulsive levels of teaching; during summer, American youth must attend shopping mall.
Magic quiet door go sideways, disappear inside wall to open path from outside. Not total all glass, extruded aluminum metal frame silver edge, doors slide gone until reveal inside stand old woman, slave woman appareled with red tunic, spring apparatus gripping tunic front to hang swinging sign, printed, “Doris.” Ancient sentinel rest gray cloud eye upon operative me, roll eye from hair and down this agent, say, voice like old parrot, say, “Welcome to Wal-Mart.” Say, “May I help you find something?”
Mouths of this agent make smile, face design into pleasing eye contact. This agent say, “Much venerate ancient mother … where sold here location China-make 81-S-type gas-operated, rotating-bolt, fire six hundred fifty rounds per minute machine gun?”
Face of ancient mummify bound in dying skin, clouded eye only look, no blink.
Smile of operative me say, “Revered soon dying mother, distribute you ammunitions correct for Croatia-made forty-five-caliber, long-piston-stroke APS assault rifle?”
Smile of operative me, breathing, await.
Sag windpipe of ancient parrot, sag skin jump with swallow. Edge smear of red wax slice open as mouth, wax smile melt flat, straight.
“Brazil-made FA 03 assault rifle?” say this agent, shout, maybe not could hear, shout, “Venerate ancestor, much respected dying soon rotting corpse,” shout, “where sell here Slovak SA Vz.58 assault rifle?”
Parrot face of dying skin fill with blood glow, red wax of mouth bunch until volcano pucker, tight until skin of pucker mouth pinched white of no blood. Cloud eyes flash electric bolts. Volcano blow open, old parrot voice say, loud shout, saliva erupt to fly, “You’ll find our sporting goods on aisle sixteen, young man.”
Could be,
zing-wring
, hands of this operative pounce in rapid Bird Wing Gentle Embrace to twist parrot neck, backbone
twist-snap
, to bring mercy instant soft death.
Merely this agent say, “Thank you, much esteemed madam living skeleton.” Wish safe quick soon mission into next eternity.
For official record, squirrel maze of retail distribution center puzzle of competition warring objects, all improved, all package within fire colors. Area divided into walls constructed from objects, all tinted color so grab eye. All object printed: Love me. Look me. Million speaking objects, begging. Crown American consumer with power of king, to rescue choose and give home or abandon here for expire. Word label blow sharp into ear, loud into eye. Pander hand to take. Dying objects. All here, useful life winding down in clock ticks. Dying objects. Dying buyer. Dying slave woman “Doris.” Desperate how sad.
Feet of this operative walk bending around corners, through
canyon shadowed of objects, all boast best cheap. All most good taste. All objects fight for adopt.
Bending around new corner, eyes of operative me witness operative Tibor, agent 23, shoving wheeled silver basket of host family. Around new corner, witness operative Magda, agent 36; host mother eyeing sideways as concealing bright box of object within tunic of that agent to theft. Eye of operative Magda meeting eye contact of this agent.
Recent to commence: Operation Havoc.
Next then, feet of this operative bending around new corner, witness host brother, pig dog, resting on polish floor. Prone on floor, pig dog face cheek flat pressed on floor, whole body sprawl behind head and neck. Stand over, other new youth, American growing clear-yellow hair to hang hiding ears. Clear-yellow hair hang to hide neck, hang so curtain sides of face while youth rest shoe foot on upside of pig dog face. Clear-yellow youth balance all weight, stand only on face of host brother, clear-yellow youth say, “Hand over the cash, dick-wad…”
Face of pig dog, pinched under shoe, flat on top of floor, nose of host brother leak blood and liquid mucus in mix puddle around crack lips. Host brother eyes squeeze shut. Lips of pig dog sputter in puddle, blow blood and juice to say, “Okay… okay.” Say, “Just let me up.”
Clear-yellow bully reach hand to behind trouser pocket of pig dog. Slide fingers within and pull until denim fabric cry with threads breaking, until pocket flap hanging like fabric tail. Hands of clear-yellow bully, stomp shoe planted to hold pig dog face into floor, hands apprehend American paper dollars out of leather pocketbook of pig dog. Clear-yellow bully stuff paper in own trouser pocket, throw hollow pocketbook
to wing,
zing-pow
, bounce against face, splashing blood puddle of host brother. Clear-bully look to witness this agent, eyes of bully electric-bolt blue, product fire color blue, to grab eyes of operative me. Bully appareled with black tunic lettered, “John 3:16.” Blue denim trouser. Clear-yellow bully say, “What are you looking at, pygmy?” Say, “Beat it!”
Eyes of host brother open, look from floor, lips say, “I told you not to
follow
me…” Eyes zigzag cracked with blood tunnels inside white part.
Leather pocketbook spread open on floor, splashed in blood, hollow of dollars. Knees of operative me bend so allow hands of this agent to retrieve.
Clear-yellow bully say, “Hey, Cedar, is this your little colored bitch?”
Hold pocketbook slippery wet in blood, this agent say, “No pygmy.”
Clear-yellow bully, foot stand on cowering pig dog, yellow hair swing across fire blue eye, bully say, “You a gook? A nigger? A sand flea?” Say, “Exactly what breed of wetback bitch are you?”
Could be, this instant, elbows of operative me fly and drive fast,
wham-pow
, to soft corners of head temple, stun brain of yellow bully. Blackout. Foot of this agent stomp down trouser waist of bully to pool around bully feet. Next then turgid weapon of operative me, violate stunned anus, humiliate with seed the forced screaming pain of clear-yellow bully. All dry friction.
Clear-yellow bully lift shoe from head of host brother. Fashions face of half smile, says, “Okay, Cedar, you can go fuck your little colored bitch.” Say, “Thanks for the cash.” Shoe of bully step in puddle of blood, and clear-yellow bully print blood in zigzag design of shoe bottom going away, blood design
of diagonal traction lines going less red, less clear until feet bend around new product wall corner, gone.
Solely remain trail blood steps.
Solely witness, peek from terminus product aisle Doris woman cadaver squinting for watch melee. Next now, cadaver scuttle, scurry retreat, vanished.
Pig dog lift own self to rest on both elbow against floor. Zigzag engraved, embedded in cheek of host brother face. Dermis patterned dark pink, later red, later purple in shoe traction design. Diagonal many line of purple electric bolts, channels carry water bleed out eyes down, zigzag switchback far as pig dog hand slap water gone.
Finger of operative me, made straight to direct eye, this agent say, “Tennis shoe,” at blood design on floor. Next, embed design in cheek.
And pig dog brother slap eye water off own face, say, “No, you stupid pygmy…” Say, “That’s a fucking
track shoe
” Zigzag red and white stripe down cheek, like American flag flutter in wind. Host brother scoop air with hand, say, “Follow me.”
Next then, pig dog make operative me small parade until where many million shoe for sell area. Shoe on wall shelf. Pile shoe burden many table. Shoe craft from leather like pocketbook remain inside fingers of operative me, glued this agent with colding blood. Shoe craft from fabric like hanging pocket tail of host brother.
Pig dog inhale dripping of nose blood, gurgle, make straight finger at each shoe, say, “That’s a tennis shoe, you little pygmy.” Make finger at new shoe. “That’s a track shoe.” Make finger at other new shoe, one after other, say, “Bowling shoe…wrestling shoe…basketball shoe… cross-training shoe…volleyball shoe…baseball shoe…walking
shoe…football…soccer…” Only all shoe make finger at, every shoe appearance alike. All shoe twin. No different.
Next then, feet parading around new corner, pig dog discover place many baby animal imprison. Silver cage like wheeled cage shoved by operative Tibor, agent 23, only trap for baby dog, grouping several baby dog. Next new cage, other breed baby dog. Other cage, baby cat. Wall builded cage bricks of baby cat and dog on top and below, all baby animal cry. Stand on silver wire or nest asleep curls of wood. Other wall, cage of baby rodent, many breed rat or mouse. Same as laboratory. Other wall, glass cage of snake and lizard. Heavy in air animal stink, bubble noise out water bin of fire-colored fish.
Pig dog brother make finger straight at wall cages, say, “This, pygmy, is what you’d call a fancy restaurant.” Make finger straight at baby dogs and say, “That’s called ‘beef’” Say, “Pick one out, and they kill it and dress it right here. I swear.” Make straight finger at baby cat and say, “That’s pork.” Make finger at rat, lizard, snake, baby rabbit, say, “Chicken…veal…fish…crab …”
Head of operative me rock own chin up and down to make agreement.