Pygmy (21 page)

Commencement of ritual, physical superior males select best combatants for accompany into battle, thus ranking all from most-best to least desirable for reproduction during females note close attention. Next then, divided males engage violent assault upon each opposite army, battering with inflated bladders latex rubber.

Over course conflict, males boasting superior musculature inflict injure upon males typical of superior intellect although suffering inferior height-to-weight ratio, body mass index, and stature.

At completion dodgeball ritual, females made full aware which males present most-desirable physical traits. Vanquished males culled by injury, weak reproductive citizens force self-select, redirect, instead impregnate mates, procreate offspring, instead channel aggressions chess club, focus sexual ambitions science club. Debate or forensics. Model rocket association. Granted no access sexual reproduction, thereby
liberate superior intellect for indulge in further education. During same, superior physical genetics routed so impregnate superior physical females.

For benefit all society, most crucial segregate intellect out physical fit.

All accomplished in battle dodge of ball.

For official record, prior this today operative me forever selected final for dodgeball army. Captains respective armies bicker over negotiate inclusion this agent. Captain say, “We’ll take the gimp and the retard if you take Pygmy…”

Forever during, peer group females observe, issue exaggerate facial features express disgust, pinch nostrils shut, protrude tongue muscles, making straight finger at direction this agent.

Except this today, no occur such scenario.

This today, most large majority fellow male student appareled fabric tunic, black fabric printed English alphabet words “Property of Jesus.” Recounting accurate, this agent. Such many peer males appareled identical tunic of operative me. Male student arrive arena gymnasium, approach this agent, say, “Yo, Pygmy, my man.” Say, “You’ll be on my team, right?”

Peer males assemble so reproductive females observe from distance opposite portion arena gymnasium. Among males, exceptions no appareled black tunic operative me, no approach this agent, only operative Tibor, Oleg, Chernok. All fellow operatives, chosen long-ago today of career testing, created orphan American terrorist that dismal passed today, operatives Ling, Mang, Tanek, merely stand in distant. Cast pointed eye upon this agent.

During same now, former male delegate Brunei demand,
say, “Pygmy, show me that thing where you break people’s legs.”

Other delegate, Burundi, say, “No, first teach us how to knock everybody out with your elbow…”

Crowding each aside, gentleman delegate Laos say, “Pygmy, little dude, show us how to kill guys with just your pinkie finger.”

Ballooning chest with vast inhale, voice of operative me quote benign dictator, ambitious regent Idi Amin, say, “‘Politics is like boxing—you try to knock out your opponents.’”

Next now, door comes unhealed from wall of gymnasium, door swings to display instructor for period of dodgeball.

Moment American instructor display self in door, students all stand and say, all unison one voice, “Greetings, esteemed most revered educator. Accept, please, our gratitude for the wisdom you impart.”

All American youth, male and female, say such.

Sole exception this agent.

Immediate all student bidding for this agent warrior among team, beseeching accompany into battle of inflated latex bladders. Forced settle dispute using traditional ritual hurtling monetary coin at roof, allow final position of tumbling coin to decide: head or tails. In capitalist nation, all is decided by money. Beyond this agent, each army assembled conscripting best physical specimen. Armies take position opposite walls gymnasium. Provisioned equal quantity inflated bladder.

Instructor physical education insert metal snail, silver-color snail, between own face lips. Instructor exhale snail so create shrill sound whistle, same now bladders fly.

Space gymnasium echoing impact rubber bladders. Bounce
and slam contact with basketball wood of floors. Slap hit of impact rubber skidding, abrading human skin. Squeal lining of athletic shoe barking against floor varnish. Thunder of running feet, chased feet, charging shoes. Bladder hurtle such speed trailing scream before skinning cheek skin of president chess club. Welting shoulder, swollen red welt, National Merit Scholar.

Amid volley such deadly bladders, former gentleman delegate Bahrain say, “Little dude, teach me that backward kick…”

Requests instruction Exploding Mule
kick-sock.

Former delegate Myanmar pitch bladder so protect this agent, say, “Hey, Pygmy… show me the other kicking deal.”

Requests instruction Flying Hyena
lash-pow.

Amid skirmish, landing hail infinite stinging bladders, rampant battlefield speeding missile, operative Tanek take position near elbow this agent. Tanek say whisper, keyed low so audible only ear of operative me, say, “Attention, comrade.” Say, “Become no seduced by silly adoration of American devils.”

Next then, unseen bladder smite face cheek of operative Tanek. Rules of engagement require that agent extract self out battle, retire to margin gymnasium.

Eyes all fellow operative condemn this agent.

Hands of operative me procure inflated bladder. Arms catapult bladder so impact opposing team soldier, operative Otto, deemed among best top army of school. Render Otto fallen, clutching rib cage writhing prone on basketball wood, Otto eyes biting tight shut, bleeding water. Army of operative me issuing massive cheer. All fellow soldier impacting open hands on scapular of this agent. Peer fingers disarray head hairs of operative me. Say, “Way to go, Pyg-ster.”

Quick then, seize new bladder, hurtle so smite operative Bokara, impacting so sternum that agent issue
crack
sound. Operative Bokara embrace own self, topple until supine.

Witnessing females cheer. Stance among crowd females, operative Magda observe with sorrow eye, hands of that agent stroking own flat abdomen. Mammary glands swollen new hormone flood.

Under death stare fellow operatives, this agent intercept flight speeding bladder, grasp and rocket so stun forehead operative Ling. Impact bladder erupt vast wealth of viscous red blood, explode out nose of that agent. Bladder bounce aside, stamping print blood, print blood, print blood across basketball wood.

Host pig brother trumpet breath to say, “That’s my brother!” Trumpet, “Smear those
foreigners!
”

Operative Ling removed from battlefield. Skirmish continued. Dodging munitions numerous stinging bladders, feet of operative me take stance adjacent pig dog brother. Under heavy fire, say, “Respected brother…” Say, dodging incoming bladder, say, “Procure eight count of Rohypnol pills of sleep, and will train you Punching Panda.” Say, “Make of brother top best invincible.”

Next then, flying grab hands of this agent, intercept bladder for rescue other fellow soldier, former delegate Congo. To gentleman delegate say, “Acquire one container fabricated steel metal, capacity two cubic feet for purpose science fair…” Say, “In return, promise teach Striking Cobra Quick Kill maneuver.”

Hurtling bladder so assassinate opposing soldiers, clutter battlefield many casualty, this agent bargain will teach Soaring Condor Double Strike to first man who deliver five pounds potassium nitrate fertilizer. Will instruct Leaping Kangaroo
Punch Escape to man able provide blasting cap. Will coach Lunging Lynx beheading yank to anyone granting battery-operated timing device.

Against backdrop frequent casualty, bombarding heavy artillery rubber bladders, this agent assign former gentleman delegate Equatorial Guinea, precipitate nitrogen tri-iodide sourced ammonium hydroxide of school laboratory. Assign former delegate Mali distill reagent flowers of sulfur. Amidst carnage of battle, assign delegate Peru source 17.67 ounce most purified sodium peroxide.

Forever continues flurry of war. Brave action noble soldiers engaged in practice of dying. Youth enrolled, greedy to learn killing. Squeal soles so many shoe. Thud impact velocity bladders. Famished for violence.

Next now, former gentleman delegate Mozambique say, “Pygmy, my man.” Offer elbow bent own arm, say, “Now break my arm!” Say, “I got a test on
Silas Marner
next period.”

Request of delegate timing device.

Mozambique say, “Would my clock radio work…?”

Same now, fists of operative me hammer
bam-blam
, Giant Stork Death Kick, snapping puny ulna delegate, compound fracturing so bone emerge out ruptured skin of youth forearm. Upon sound, bone crack, pop out muscle tissue, at now when Mozambique witness, delegate soldier roll own eyeballs backward in skull. Skeleton buckle at knees, buckle at waist and neck. Collapse upon basketball wood. No conscious. No
Silas Marner.

Quote, “Politics is like boxing—you try to knock out your opponents.”

Revered instructor breathing shrill noise out silver snail. Travels inflated bladder imprinting spilled nose blood out
Ling, bounce blood onto wood, onto face soldiers smeared red, warrior hands stained blood.

Location dodgeball war—same location of ritual mating dance. Same location as Model United Nations. Chipped in concrete wall, ricochet bullet out pistol of Trevor Stonefield. From perimeter this gymnasium, casualty Tibor, casualty Otto and Bokara and Ling, cast eye pledging patient future attack upon this agent.

Next now, numerous fellow soldier: former delegates Antigua, Latvia, Lesotho, delegates Nauru, Namibia, Nigeria, all learning nothing of
Silas Marner
, dreading test, all take stance so fists of operative me may
bam-blam
quick render them helpless cripple.

Begins here twenty-fourth account operative me, agent number 67, seated surrounding meal table host family Cedar. American holiday food of Thanksgiving. Present: vast cow father, pig dog brother, chicken mother, cat sister host family all hands linked so create fence surrounding bounty food table. Recite religious incantation
. Express gratitude such bounty slaughtered enemy citizens of
. Nation boast celebration vanquish aboriginal North American peoples
.

For official record, intestines of operative me infinite sickened gorging diet typical United State household. Cooked muscle tissues of Colonel Sanders. So infinite such array various flesh. Lunatic selection cheese, tissue, lactic secretions garnered of lesser sentient being. Bowels United State citizen harnessed heavy labor of process. Diet every spectrum culture across globe—based starches corn, rice, wheat, potato. All every citizen expected always dine, bowels tolerate infinite novelty perpetual introduced: fondue, dim sum, beef of Wellington. Intestines perennial challenged lasagna, burrito, Twinkie of Hostess.

All beauty created of the deity eventual to pass through American mouth, viscera, excreted anus.

Additional introduces food industry constant stream novel menu selections, every always touting new torture: steak tartare, marshmallow fluff, aspartame. Forever bombarding
microwaves so burst kernel popcorns. Forever occupied electric ovens, burdened pizza pie consisting of solid ice.