Queen (Mistress & Master of Restraint) (95 page)

Niel has been in my life for over a year, but I still walk on eggshells. I worry that I’ll push him away if I make demands or try to mother him. We don’t have a traditional mother/son relationship. It’s more like equals. He was raised to lead a fami
ly.

I knock lightly and pray.

“Come in,” his voice is deep yet soft with a rasp at the end. It always makes me smile. I’ve missed Grant’s voice now that Jamie is mute, but I don’t have far to go to listen to it. Niel’s voice is exactly the same as I remember Grant’s.

“You look dapper,” I compliment him on his suit. The charcoal gray suit brings out the red highlights in his hair and the emerald in his eyes. Too bad his hair is a disaster.

“When you were a baby your hair was like a ducks downy feathers,” I tease him as I try to pat the mass down into a semblance of a hairstyle. He laughs at me and shakes his head.

“You want to talk to me. I can tell,” he whispers and sits at the end of his bed. He shuffles over so that I know he wants me to sit next t
o him.

“I love you being here, but I wonder what the cost was…” I trail off and pra
y that he picks up the thread.

“We both know it was Ava,” he looks me in the eyes withou
t as shred of shame or remorse.

“Don’t get angry, Mom.”

“I’m not angry,” my voice breaks. “I didn’t want this life for you.”

“It’s not the same as yours. I’m not stupid. I remember what it was like whe
n we all lived at the Estate.”

“I’m sorry,” I
whisper and look at my hands.

“Don’t be. I didn’t sell anything to be here. He just thinks I did,” he laughs and I freeze because he sounds like the playful Grant I remember. It’s gut-wrenchingly bittersweet.

“When we’re at school I protect the girls because that’s my job. Whitney’s easiest because we’re in the same grade and she can take care of herself. I’m very protective of Ella and Prissy. Ella didn’t grow up in this world and I worried how she’d handle it and Priss is just too damned nice. Whitney got all the bitch and Prissy all the kindness. So I spend most of my time with Priss and Ella.”

“Whitney was picking on this new girl because I wasn’t around to stop her. I heard all about it- you know how Hillbrook is. The girl is the same age as Ella and Priss so they befriended her to burn Whitney. My friends were picking on me for hanging out with my family instead of them and that’s when I saw her. I was finished. I tripped over my own feet and made a total ass of myself. Of course the girls ran to help, which made it worse because she followed. I thought she was my age or older so I freaked out that she’d see my sister trying to kiss my booboos,” he sounds appalled.

Niel runs his fingers through his hair messing it up even more. He’s has Grant’s self-deprecation down to a science, but I see cunning and charisma shine from his eyes. He’s going to wreck the female population of Hillbrook.

“She didn’t really try to kiss it better did she?” I smirk.

“Yes, she did,” he says in all seriousness. “You know that all she talks about is growing up to be a mother. Well, she loves to mother me. Here I am flat on my ass with my sister kissing my arm and cooing at me. Prissy has tears in her eyes and my friends are laughing hysterically. Whitney’s calling the girl a bastard and all I can do is look at this girl with my mouth wide open. I was so embarrassed.” He shakes his head and laughs.

“What’d you do?”

“I stared at her. It took me two seconds to figure out who she was. Ezra’s really pretty and she’s… Damn, she looks like an angel. I swallowed a zillion times trying to ask her for her name. I looked her in the eyes like Whitt taught me and she blushed light pink. She was looking at me like I was looking at her. I liked it. I stood up, and shook her hand to introduce myself. Yeah… I have no issue hanging out with Ella and Prissy now. Ava thinks I’m awesome because I make Whitney back down. So don’t worry, okay… I met her first and we liked each other. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that Grandfather figured out Ezra had a daughter.”

“What did you promise him?” My voice wavers in fear and Niel take my
hand.

“Nothing I didn’t already plan on doing. I was the one who made out in the bargain. He’s scared of me. I said I’d date Ava and that when we grew up I’d marry her if she’d have me. I’ve had girlfriends before. I… yeah, moms don’t like to know that,” he laughs. “This felt different. I’m not saying I’ll marry her, but I’d like to someday. She’s still a kid and
I’m not gross like that, so don’t freak out. As soon as Marcus and Ezra found out I was bitched at for over an hour while Cort laughed at them. Whitt was worse.”

“Good,” I growl and he laughs at me.

“I told him I wanted to live with you and he offered part time, so my counteroffer was half. That’s all I did.”

“Wh
at about Whitt sleeping here?”

“That wasn’t me,” he swallows audibly and sighs. “Grandfather knows that you’re married. He knows that Whitt adopted Ella. He wanted Whitt here be
cause I was going to be here.”

“So that’s why he wants me at the wedding as a Whitten
hower and not as their guest.”

“Because you are a Whittenhower,” Niel says strongly.

“He knows everything, doesn’t he?” Hopelessness is all I feel.

“No and he’ll have to kill me to admit it. He doesn’t know of our plans because he doesn’t think th
at Whitt knows he’s the heir.”

“If he finds
out we’re ruined,” I breathe.

“We won’t be ruined. I’m not stupid, Mom, so don’t lie to me anymore. Whitt isn’t even the heir, and I know who is and where he is. If Grandfather figures it out and changes something then Marc, Whitt, and I are dragging Jamie’s cowardly ass to Whittenhower Estates and we’re forcing him to take over. We’ll shove a hand up his ass and play ventriloquist if we have to. I will not live my life like you had to. This is our family and we won’t be held hostage!”

“Oh my God,” I cry out and bury my head in my trembling hands.

“I’d never seen Whitt so angry before. He was breaking things in Grandfather’s study and screaming. He just kept calling my father a coward and he was going to teach him a lesson. I followed him because I was scared. He led me to Jamie. I watched as Whitt went postal on a man that looked just like him. I listened to everything he said. A Native American looking man came and yanked Whitt off of him, and then he walked outside and dragged me in the house. He said his name was Roman and I realized he was Kristal’s boyfriend. I was so shocked at seeing my dead father that I didn’t recognize him. Roman shoved Whitt and
me on one sofa and he and Jamie sat across from us. He translated for hours while Jamie talked to me and tried to talk to Whitt. I’ve wanted to go back, but Whitt said he’s my dad and that the father I knew is dead.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t
want you to know,” I whimper.

“Why?” He demands angrily and I know he’s resented me since he found out. I can feel it in my bones. 

I look into eyes that are exactly as my own and whisper truths I’ve never wanted to admit, “How do you tell your children their father abandoned them. I know how it makes me feel- unwanted and unloved- a burden. I didn’t want that for you and Ella. I adore every single thing about both of you, even the annoying stuff. I know you’re strong and can handle it. But every little girl dreams of being a daddy’s girl. I was one and it crushed me when I lost my dad. Ade has strived her entire life to be one. Ella is friendly and craves male attention. She clings to you and Whitt. When Marcus comes around she hangs off of him. How do I tell her that the man she has idolized left us- left her?”

Niel sits speechless and silently cries. I want to comfort him, but I give him the respect a man deserves. I don’t hold him and let him cry because it would make him feel weak. I look him in the eyes and nod. I squeeze his hand and give him truths instead of pretty, comforting lies.

“I’m angry at him. I resent him. I hold it all in because this isn’t about me. I was just a girl who spent five years of her life with him. You are his children- it’s about you. You’re old enough to make your own choices- see him or not. Whitt is furious. He mourned the loss of Grant more than anyone. Grant and Whitt didn’t know at the time that they were father and son, but they acted that way anyway. Some things are just ingrained in your soul. You were so young when he died, but Whitt was at the cusp of being a man. He took on the responsibility of you and he wanted to. I’m in awe of him. He’s twenty-one and acts more mature than someone twice his age. Don’t allow his anger at Jamie to create anger in you. Own your own feelings. If you do visit Jamie and start a relationship with him make sure you respect Whitt. Tell him you love him and call him Dad once and a while. There is a big difference between a father and a dad. Jamie is your father, but Whitt will always be your dad. Don’t forget it!” 

I say the hell with it and yank my son into my lap. He’s as big as me now and has a few pounds on me. He’s a full-grown man with a man’s mind inside a boy’s soul. I want him to be a kid. I want him to have fun and play- make mistakes. Our world will not rest on his shoulders. Grant
grew up that way, but Whitt is the one that burdened all the weight. I don’t want my son to walk in Whitt’s footsteps.

“I will tell Ella when she’s ready. We lived a long time as just a bunch of girls. She got away with everything because I was either working or had my head up my ass in grief. She liked to play with Roman, but it was different when Whitt and Marcus came around. I saw her look at them like I looked at my dad. I want her to feel that security- to feel cherished. I can’t tell a twelve-year-old girl her father didn’t want her. It’s not true, but she’ll see it that way anyway. I know she will because it’s how I feel. Jamie is selfish, but I’d rather live with his selfishness than live without him. There is no way to explain that it isn’t about me or you kids- it’s all about him. She’ll never believe me, and I just can’t ruin her childhood yet. I want her to live in a happy bubble.”

“Don’t tell her. I felt betrayed when I found out, but if I were her I wouldn’t want to know,” Niel sniffles and rubs his cheek on my shoulder.

“I would say that one day you will be an amazing man, but you already are. There were things about Grant that I’ve never seen in another human being. I loved him so much, and I see them in you. Don’t hate yourself because you resent him. Being kind and gentle will make you a better man. You have enough of me in you to make you a strong man. Your father humanizes you and I give you strength. If you even need to know how to be a man just look to the guy you call Dad.”

Niel looks up at me with watery green eyes and smiles, and I know we’re going to be okay. I have a husband who will do anything for his family, but I worry that he will lose himself in the process. I look into my son’s eyes and I know he will save us from that fate. Grant’s compassion infuses Niel’s being. My son will make sure we do the right thing for the right reasons. I am a very lucky woman and that is what Marcus was trying to get me to see.

“I better go pretty myself up. Today is the first time I go out in public with my children by my side. There’s this beautiful girl who’s a bride’s maid that I want to meet in person. I can’t have runny mascara when my son introduces m
e to his girlfriend,” I tease.

“You’ll like her. She’s just like her parents,” he says to comfort me, but all he manages to do is alarm me.

I whisper, “God, I hope not,” under my breath.

“I heard that,” he snickers.

“Your sister is behaving, right? No boys I have to worry about?”

“She doesn’t see them yet- Priss too. I’ve made sure of it,” he growls and I wonder what he’s been up to. “Whitney will be sweet-sixteen and never been kiss
ed thanks to me,” he chuckles.

“I’m sure you were very n
ice to your friends,” I tease.

“I’m a twelve-year-
old’s worst nightmare. I’ll let off when they hit sixteen.”

“Gloriously hypocritical since you’re dating a girl a month younger than your sister,” I
taunt him as I leave his room.

His raspy laugh follows me down the hallway.

My daughter won’t date until she’s my age if the men in her life have any say in it. It’s too bad since her dream is to be a wife and mother. She’s just like her father in that regard- soft and gentle. She follows Kris around begging to be taught how to keep a house, and Fate is teaching her all those good girl manners that I rebelled against. You can take the girl out of the Estate, but you can’t take the blueblood out of her veins.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

“Shh…
It’s okay, Queen,” Whitt murmurs against my cheek.

I’m shivering like a leaf as I stand in the circular drive in front of Whittenhower Estates. I haven’t been back in thirteen years.

Niel took an excited Ella for a tour of her family home. I refused to enter. My feet froze on the limestone steps. I stare up at the imposing stone manse and quiver.