Ravensong (23 page)

“
Not very,” she
admitted.

“
How successful do you
really want to be?”

“
Not very,” she
repeated.

His thumb traced her cheek
bone. “I don’t want to be successful at all.”

“
What about my
job?”

He ran his thumb over her
lower lip. “Let’s keep it a secret. It’s no one’s business but our
own anyway.”

She stroked the hair away
from his forehead. “If we do that, I have to make a trip to
Colorado. Otherwise, the guilt will eat me alive. I’ve got to end
it with John.”

“
I guess I understand that,
but are you sure you want to end it?”

She leaned forward and
placed her lips against his. He returned her kiss. “What do you
think?”

“
I think my headache’s
getting better.”

She laughed, then leaned
over him again. “I guess it’s my duty to help then.”

He nodded. “Yes, it is your
duty,” he muttered, then pulled her mouth down to his.

* * *

Elena was nervous
leaving
Avalanche
with Julian, but she couldn’t stay engaged to John if she was
having an affair with Joshua. When
Avalanche
left for the next city,
Elena asked for two personal days to take care of her private
business. Julian gratefully gave them to her.

Elena suspected he was being
magnanimous because he was trying to reassert his control over the
band. After her confrontation with him in the hospital, the other
band members had begun seeking her advice, not his. Since she
already arranged all of their travel, there was little left for him
to oversee, except some more wildly exaggerated publicity
interviews.

She mentioned to Joshua that he was
going to have to give an interview or else the pubic might fear
that he’d died from his wounds. She had arranged one with a daily
entertainment show set to air the same day of the
concert.

She hated leaving Joshua,
but he was much improved, and she needed to put the past behind
her. Kate hadn’t been very supportive when Elena called her with
her decision. She said she was concerned that hiding the romance
with Joshua would only make it unsustainable.

Elena stared out the window of the
plane. Oddly enough, no relationship Elena had ever experienced
seemed as effortless as this one. They were strangely at ease with
one another. When his family called to check up on him, it felt
natural to stay in the room and listen to the one sided
conversation.

She didn’t want to spend
too much time thinking about it. She was beginning to realize that
she’d spent a lot of time analyzing her past relationships. Wasn’t
that what people always said – relationships were work? She’d
worked so hard at them that they’d fallen apart, tattered and torn
by her worrying.

She didn’t expect anything
out of Joshua and he didn’t seem overly inclined to expect much
himself. They enjoyed each other’s company and for some reason that
was enough. Just a few months ago, she’d felt like she had to
choreograph her life. Marriage by a certain age, then the requisite
purchase of a home, followed closely by children, and settling into
a prescripted role. What if it didn’t have to be that way? What if
it could be nothing more than enjoying someone for what he offered
you at that moment?

Following her instinct not
to overanalyze, she lowered the shade on the window, leaned her
seat back, and closed her eyes. Before she knew it, the plane was
landing and she had to face the decision she’d made.

It was a short taxi ride
from the airport to John’s apartment. She hadn’t brought more than
a small carry-on because she had booked a flight for later that
afternoon. Griping the bag, she stared up at the two story
building.

A strange sense of calm
flowed through her. She hadn’t seen John for five months. They
hadn’t talked in more than a week. He’d already slid into that
distant part of her mind, reserved for the past.

Griping the railing in one hand, she
climbed to the top of the stairs and knocked at the door. She could
hear someone moving around inside and then the door opened. John
stood in the entrance, tall and straight and serious.

“
Hello, John,” she said,
forcing an awkward smile.

“
Elena,” he breathed. He
made a strange, jerky motion, as if he intended to hug her, then
stopped and simply stared. “It’s been so long.”

Elena nodded. “Can I come
in?”

“
Oh,” he said, then moved
back, swinging out his arm. “After you.”

She entered the apartment
and settled her bag by the door. The entrance opened on a living
room with heavy furnishings and a large screened television hanging
over the mantle. Magazine and newspaper articles littered the
table. She recognized most of them. He’d obviously been following
the tour. For some reason, that surprised her. “This is nice,” she
said, turning to face him.

“
Please sit,” he offered,
motioning at the couch. “Can I get you a drink or
something?”

Elena shook her head,
moving to the spot he indicated. “I’m fine.”

John perched himself on the
edge of a chair opposite her. He’d never been one to display his
affection, but by his posture, she knew he already guessed why
she’d come.

“
How’s the sabbatical
going?” she asked.

“
Well...well...” He paused
and his brow furrowed. “Elena, I sensed from your call that
something is wrong.”

She clasped her hands in
her lap. “I needed to talk to you in person.”

“
I see.” He pushed his
glasses up on his nose. “About us, I’m guessing.”

Elena nodded, then reached
into her pocket and pulled out the small, black box. She placed it
on the table between them and pushed it over to his side. “I can’t
keep this. We’re not ready to get married.”

His eyes lifted from the
box to her face. “I disagree. We’re both adults and...”

“
No,” said Elena, “That’s
not the problem. We don’t really love each other...”

“
That’s not true, I love
you very much.”

Elena exhaled. “John, you
left me for six months.”

“
That’s what a sabbatical
is, Elena.”

“
But it wasn’t even a
difficult decision for you. You jumped at the chance. Let’s face
it. We both moved too quickly when we decided to get married, then
you took the first opportunity that presented itself to bolt.” He
shook his head, but she held up a hand. “I’m not blaming you. I
understand it, but we can’t continue in this mistake.”

“
I don’t see it as a
mistake, and neither did you.” He frowned at her. “What’s
changed?”

She sighed. “Nothing...and
everything. I want more.”

“
More? More than
companionship and security and affection?”

She stared at him a moment
in silence and realized she really didn’t know him. She knew about
him, but she didn’t know him. “Love, John. I want love.”

His eyes narrowed. “We
talked about this before. Love is a journey. It grows with
time.”

“
And what if it doesn’t?
What if we’re wrong? Maybe there should be some spark of it the
moment two people meet.”

“
That’s lust, not
love.”

She gave him a sad smile.
“Maybe people need a little of that too.”

His eyes widened, then he
sank back in the chair. “That’s what you really mean, isn’t it? You
want passion and romance and all the things you told me you didn’t
believe in. I thought you were different, more mature,
Elena.”

She clasped her hands
before her. “I thought I was different too, but I guess at heart, I
want what every woman wants. I want to feel more than just lukewarm
about someone. Whether that has anything to do with maturity, I
don’t know. I just know life is awful short not to feel something
powerful.”

He looked at the box on the
table. “Sounds like you’ve already found it.”

She’d expected him to guess
that, but she hadn’t yet decided how she would respond. Suddenly,
she didn’t want to deny it. “I think I might have.”

His eyes lifted from the
box. “With a rock star?” he said. “Geez, Elena, you can’t be
serious.”

She studied his face and
felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. He was a good man, but he
was too logical. Everything had to fit the narrow parameters that
he set around himself. He’d never approved of her job at the
recording studio and when she’d taken the job with
Avalanche
, he’d been
disdainful. She knew her job wasn’t as meaningful as his, but he
didn’t have to keep reminding her of that.

“
Believe it or not, John,
they are human too and have very similar emotions to real
people.”

“
Always the sarcasm,” he
remarked tiredly.

“
Sorry. It’s defensive. You
have a way of making me feel small.”

“
Small? You’re telling me
you’re breaking off our engagement for a drug-addicted, womanizing
modern-day pirate, and I’m supposed to what...congratulate
you?”

She met his bewildered
gaze. “No, I don’t expect that. I just wanted to tell you in
person. I’m sorry, John. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you in any
way.”

His chest was rising in a
quick pant. Leaning forward he braced his head in his hands. “God,
you’re serious, aren’t you? You really are leaving me for one of
those freaks?”

She flinched. “That was
unnecessarily cruel. Honestly, I think some part of you is
relieved.”

He looked up through his
hands. “Relieved? How so?”

“
Let’s be honest, John.
Most men wouldn’t jump at the chance for a sabbatical with a
relationship as new as ours was. And no matter what you say, not
all sabbaticals are done in a different state. You could have
stayed in San Francisco, but you chose to come here. Not once did
you attempt to come home, even for a weekend, and when you asked me
to come out for a visit, it was always with your daughters. You
like your freedom as much as I do and you were going through the
motions of this marriage the same way I was. You knew your
daughters opposed it and you weren’t sure yourself. Did it ever
occur to you that you could have asked me to come with
you?”

“
Would you have?
Would you have given up that job with
Avalanche
?”

“
Probably not, but then I
already realized we never really intended to marry each other in
the first place.”

He looked away. “Do you
have any idea what you’re doing?”

“
What do you
mean?”

“
Trying to have a
relationship with a rock star? It’s ridiculous.”

“
Maybe, but I’m not really
analyzing it.”

His eyes snapped back to
her face. “That’s a hell of a way to go through life, flying by the
seat of your pants.”

“
For you, yes, but I’ve
never really tried it. I’m willing to give it a go.”

“
What if you get
hurt?”

She shrugged. “It won’t be
the first or I fear, the last time.”

“
God, I thought you were
more sensible. This is lunacy.”

She rose to her feet. “In
truth, this is my life, John, and I’ll live it my way, rock star or
not. I’m not going to apologize for that part of it. Please
understand. I really didn’t want to hurt you, but after this has
all cleared, I think you’ll realize it’s for the best.”

She turned and headed for the door,
bending down to pick up her bag. Reaching for the knob, she paused
and glanced back. “Good bye, John,” she said.

CHAPTER 10

Joshua hesitated a moment
on the edge of the stage. The other band members were taking
position, awaiting the grand spectacle of an
Avalanche
concert. The sounds of the
crowd were muted, but a few moments more and they would roar into
life.

He eased away from the stage, glancing
around to see where Julian was. Dominic lifted his head and sat
forward in his chair. Joshua motioned him back, then turned and
slipped into the darkened interior of the stadium, heading toward
the dressing rooms.

Elena appeared around the
corner and he hesitated. Their eyes met. A few more steps brought
them together and he held her close, bending to kiss her, savoring
the touch of her body against his. She returned his kiss, wrapping
her arms around his neck.

Gradually they pulled away
and he placed his forehead against hers. “How did it
go?”

“
It went without a hitch,”
she said.

“
Unpleasant?”

“
Only toward the end.” She
held him at arm’s length. “Don’t you have a show to do?”

“
Yes,” he answered with a
laugh, “after this.” He drew her close and kissed her until she was
breathless.

Neither of them noticed the shadow
gliding along the wall behind them, headed for the
stage.