Reasons Mommy Drinks (23 page)

One of the unwritten commandments of parenthood is “Thou shalt digitally capture every waking moment of your child’s first year of life.” This means Mommy and Daddy are perpetually lugging around the ten-pound Canon EOS-can’t-believe-how-much-they-paid-for-this-when-they-only-use-the-auto-function-Rebel T4i everywhere you go. They have also been forced to purchase multiple external hard drives to store the 198,736 high-res photos of you that Mommy plans to organize sometime between now and her retirement, not to mention all the photos from Mommy’s previous life featuring her, a throng of girls clad in minidresses, and a bottle of Prosecco. Although she maxed out her Visa printing the best (read: every) photo of you in month one, at least she didn’t succumb to one of those newborn photo shoots, with their overuse of props and poses that involve curling you naked into flowerpots like a demented Anne Geddes tribute. Seeing those kinds of photos in her Facebook newsfeed before bedtime is a guaranteed recipe for nightmares and ruthless unfriending action. Mommy has opted to keep you off Facebook altogether to protect your privacy.
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Anyway, Mommy can’t keep up with the extensive Instagramming now required before a photo is deemed Facebook ready. Why does every baby now look like it was born in 1977? At least now that photo postproduction is socially acceptable, Mommy can delete the massive bags from under her eyes before applying the Sutro effect.

INGREDIENTS

Chocolate syrup

Graham cracker crumbs

1 ounce marshmallow vodka

½ ounce chocolate liqueur

½ ounce Irish cream

INSTRUCTIONS

Rim a shot glass with chocolate syrup and then graham cracker crumbs. Combine the vodka, chocolate liqueur, and Irish cream in a shaker with ice. Shake well and strain into the shot glass.

NOTE

Now that’s a perfect shot.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy’s lucky if she makes it to her annual physical every three years. But now every other month she’s trucking you to the pediatrician, forcing her to confront some of her greatest maternal fears head on: fear of side effects from your vaccinations. Fear of the splinterrific rocking horse in the waiting area. Even the twenty-five-year-old receptionist with the perma-frown frightens the hell out of her. Mommy honestly can’t think of a more physically and emotionally taxing way to spend a Friday morning. And she’s not even the one getting a needle shoved into her thigh. After an excruciating hour wait (spent desperately trying to keep you from manhandling the toddler with the hacking cough), Mommy’s too drained to remember all the burning questions she prepared. Like should she have called poison control when you drank some of your No More Tears baby shampoo last week, and will you still become a Rhodes Scholar if the only thing she can get you to eat for dinner lately is cheese? At least Mommy can satisfy her inner nerd with your height and weight percentile scores. Finally some payoff for those 3
AM
feedings!

INGREDIENTS

1 ounce vodka

4 ounces orange juice

2 ounces Dr Pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

Fill a glass with ice. Pour in all the ingredients and stir. Enjoy with an apple and WebMD.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy’s not sure how her pretty little house turned into Alcatraz overnight. Everywhere she turns, Mommy is intercepted by bars, latches, or clamps. Even the toilet seat is equipped with an industrial-grade lock. Mommy can’t get into anything these days without breaking a nail, spraining an ankle, or seeking help from an instructional video on YouTube. And the price for her
CSI: Sesame Street
home makeover? Seven hundred dollars and an entire weekend devoted to installation. Mommy thought nothing could be more excruciating than the hours she spent sifting through hundreds of Benjamin Moore paint chips and every issue of
Elle Decor
to land on the perfect off-white hue for every wall and piece of trim. Until she had to watch Daddy drill unsightly holes into half of the fruits of her labor to install baby gates that you’ll conquer in approximately three days. Not so long ago, Mommy would have thought that any parent who would go to such extreme precautionary measures to protect his or her child must be suffering from a severe paranoia disorder. Then she turned her back on you for five seconds last week and caught you halfway up the staircase about to empty the contents of her change purse into your mouth. Safety first: 1, Mommy: 0.

INGREDIENTS

1 ounce Southern Comfort

1 ounce Amaretto

Dash of grenadine

4 ounces orange juice

INSTRUCTIONS

Fill a glass with ice. Pour in the Southern Comfort, Amaretto, and grenadine. Top off with the orange juice and stir. Dream about life on the outside.