Reasons Mommy Drinks (20 page)

INGREDIENTS

1 ounce melon liqueur

1 ounce lemon vodka

3 ounces cranberry juice

Splash of coconut water

INSTRUCTIONS

Fill a disposable cup (if you can afford one) with ice. Pour in all the ingredients and stir.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

For the attractive, single crowd, Sunday brunch is held around 1
PM
. However, family-friendly brunch, where the restaurant is overrun with screaming children and nary an awkward one-night stand is in sight, is at 9
AM
. Mommy is starving by then, having been up since the crack of stupid, but at least at that hour there are fewer hipsters giving her the stink eye. Actually, the only person there with a hangover is the waiter/drama major who looks like he wants to off himself. Mommy can smell last night’s rye and ginger seeping out of his pores. (And for a split second she is actually tempted to lick his arm just to get a taste of last night’s shenanigans. God, she needs to get out more.) At first you are well-behaved as Failed Actor performs his obligatory, “Oh how cute, do you want a mimosa little man? Ha ha ha” routine, but before Mommy even gets a hit of caffeine you’re flinging rice cakes, or you’re smashing the bread plate, or you’ve taken an epic shit. Mommy is determined to finish her Eggs Florentine, and it’s Romper Room hour right now anyway, so she apologizes profusely and endures the “you-are-tipping-me-30-percent” death glare. And she does, even though she’s 100 percent sure he spit in her home fries.

INGREDIENTS

1 ounce vodka

½ ounce crème de cacao

1 ounce hot espresso

Frothy, warm milk

Freshly grated nutmeg

INSTRUCTIONS

In a mug, combine the vodka, crème de cacao, and hot espresso with the milk. Dust with nutmeg and irony.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

As if the role of parent wasn’t already a full-time gig, for the first time in her life Mommy is now also expected to wear the hats of Easter Bunny, Halloween Witch, and Santa Claus. Given these milestones will most likely be erased from your young memory before Mommy’s paid the resulting Visa bill, the endgame of these momentous first holidays is to capture the perfect photo. Unfortunately for all mankind, they involve you perched in a pumpkin patch or adorned in a pastel Onesie with bunny tail. Said photos come at a hefty price, usually paid in Mommy sweat and tears. Take your Baby’s First Christmas photo. Even though she knows better, Mommy waited until the very last minute to get this done, which meant circling the mall parking lot for twenty minutes and waiting in line for more than an hour as your mail-order elf outfit became increasingly soaked with drool. Mommy knows you’re currently suffering from a raging case of separation anxiety, but handed you to a portly stranger with a foot-long white beard anyway and was shocked when you burst into hysterical tears. Mommy was (surprise!) upgraded to the Gold package at the cash register, because ten crying photos of you and a keepsake ornament are better than one. After enduring other preholiday pain, including the in-laws and a smackdown at Toys “R” Us, Mommy wishes she could book a spontaneous Christmas Eve flight to Jamaica. Instead, the week will be spent schlepping you from one obligatory family event to the next. The holidays used to be about watching crazy Uncle Carl get drunk, work parties, and taking advantage of the sales. Now it’s about not scarring your childhood, dodging unsolicited parenting advice from the relatives, and deep breathing.

(If you’re not pregnant this holiday season, bust out the raw eggs
^*
and alcohol.)

INGREDIENTS

8 eggs, separated

⅓ cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar

4 cups whole milk

1 cup heavy cream

1 cup bourbon

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

Loads of freshly grated nutmeg

INSTRUCTIONS

In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the egg yolks until they lighten in color. Gradually add ⅓ cup sugar and continue to beat until it is completely dissolved. Add the milk, cream, bourbon, vanilla, and nutmeg and stir to combine.

Place the egg whites in a separate bowl of a stand mixer and beat to soft peaks. With the mixer running, gradually add the remaining 1 tablespoon of sugar and beat until stiff peaks form. Fold the egg whites into the egg yolk mixture. Chill and serve.

NOTE

Serves 8. Don’t serve to Uncle Carl.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy has an unhealthy crush on the Nanny. She can see why Jude Law went astray. This magical woman not only takes care of you all day, but she also manages to tidy the house, do the laundry, and prepare meals—a feat Mommy told Daddy was “not humanly possible, so stop asking.” A total stranger when Mommy first placed you in her arms, she is now one of Mommy’s top three people in the world, often hedging out Daddy for second place. However, the Nanny is also the reason you will be going to Online U instead of the London School of Economics. She costs an absolute fortune. Mommy is jealous that the Nanny is teaching you how to say your first words and gets to take you on playdates (aka snoop on neighbors’ houses). Mommy wishes she could spend all day with you, but instead she has to sit in back-to-back meetings about optimizing meetings. Even though Mommy is eternally grateful for this woman who gives you such wonderful care, if you so much as hint that you love her more, Mommy’s got the INS on speed dial.