Reasons Mommy Drinks (18 page)

Authors: Lyranda Martin-Evans

BOOK: Reasons Mommy Drinks

2.8Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

Mommy does laundry all day, every day. Apparently, a clean Onesie is a tractor beam for all things stain-y. The perpetual spin cycle is running up her water bill and has probably killed several baby seals. First it was nuclear newborn poo causing the never-ending fluff ’n’ fold. Lately, it’s self-feeding. Mommy is worried you’re not getting enough nutrients because entire avocados are being mashed into your khakis. Of course, you think this is hilarious. As a prop comic, your go-to routine involves covering yourself in tomato sauce, berries, and squash puree, and the punch line is flinging all of it on to Mommy’s one decent H&M wrap dress. Not wanting to risk the slightest chance of light irritation on your tender skin (MOMMY GUILT ALERT), she is only using fragrance-free, chemical-free, function-free detergents, which means no stain comes out ever. She’s tempted to dress you all in black and start a Goth Baby trend. Anarchy in the crib!

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

There’s no better time to tackle a major home repair than when you have an infant, said no one ever. Mommy and Daddy learned this the hard way recently when the roof sprung a leak. Mommy is overcome with guilt when she splurges on a Starbucks flavor shot, so plunging thousands of dollars into unplanned debt to repair the water damage and reshingle the roof is giving her angina. Especially with the added challenge of ensuring your safety while living in a wrecking zone. Mommy used to go to painstaking lengths to ensure your every waking hour was filled with the perfect combination of playtime, stimulation, and rest. These days she declares victory if you make it through the day without swallowing a rusty nail or falling through a missing floorboard. And getting you to nap for longer than ten-minute intervals has become impossible now that your sleep sound track of waves and seagulls has been remixed with power saws. After material delays and Disappearing Contractor Syndrome stretch a three-week project to eight, Mommy can at least seek solace that you have a roof over your head and a warm, dry place to play. And then the basement floods.

INGREDIENTS

1 ounce vodka

6 ounces orange juice

INSTRUCTIONS

Fill a glass with ice. Pour in the vodka, top with the orange juice, and stir.

NOTE

Helps wash down the permanent layer of sawdust that covers your home.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

The time has come for Mommy to head back to work. Going to a place where people listen to her ideas, she is compensated financially for her efforts, and she can enjoy a coffee without it going cold first because someone peed on her is, incredibly, filled with mixed emotion. When people ask her how she’s “handling the guilt” of leaving you, she transforms into a Claire Danes meme as her face contorts into that of a screwed-up sad person. As she squats in the supply room pumping milk next to extra pens and industrial-grade Windex, she misses you like crazy (and misses midday naps, track pants, and not trying), but she feels proud to support her family in a job she genuinely loves. No one asks Daddy how he handles the guilt. They only ask him when he has to “babysit.” There are some Mommies who quit thriving careers with expense accounts and superelite frequent-flyer status to be stay-at-home Moms. These women are bat-shit crazy! Or they’re saints. Staying at home is
hard
. Then again, balancing motherhood and a career means that no matter where you are, you should be somewhere else. Uh-oh. Here comes the Cry Face again. Damn you, Danes!