Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1) (28 page)

Her heart drummed out an erratic rhythm in her chest. “When did you see him?”

“He was just coming out of the hospital when I arrived. They’d rung to tell me Dad had passed away, and I rushed to get there. They said my
brother
was with him when he passed, but
I
should’ve been there, Stevie.
Me
not
him
.” A sob travelled down the line, making her heart ache for him. Regardless of what she thought of the man, he had never harmed Dillon.

“I’m so sorry about your loss, Dillon. I really am.” She rifled through her thoughts, trying to make sense of Jason’s unannounced arrival back in their hometown.

“But why is
he
here? Why would he come back now, Stevie? He didn’t come back for Mum. I just don’t get it.”

She began to sweat. She was either going to have to tell him everything or she was going to have to lie. Neither option sat well in her gut. A split second decision brought her next words. “I saw him, Dillon. About a month ago. I was helping on a school trip that happened to be at an Outward Bounds centre up in the Highlands. It turned out that Jason owned the place.”

“What? This…this Wild Front Here place on his business card? You went
there
? You saw him but didn’t think to tell me?”

She swallowed the ball of anxiety lodged in her throat. “Look, Dillon, there are
so
many things that you don’t know. Jason asked me not to tell you, or anyone for that matter, that I’d seen him. He
needed
to stay away and had very good reason to do so. You have to believe me when I tell you that. What he did…when he left…he did it because he
had
to. I can’t tell you any more than that. Please trust me.”

Dillon snorted. “How
can
I trust you? You lied to me by keeping it from me. A lie by omission is still a fucking lie, Stevie. I could’ve gone to see him. I could’ve spoken to him.”

“But like I said, he wanted to
stay
disappeared. He thought I’d tracked him down at first. He wasn’t happy to see me initially.”

“
Initially
? So what happened when he got over it and found that you were as shocked as he was?”

“Dillon…that’s…it’s complicated.” She sighed heavily.

“You fucked him, didn’t you?”

She inhaled sharply at the bitterness and choice of words. “Dillon! It’s none of your business! And there are very deep feelings between Jason and me. He still cares for me, and I for him. It’s not about sex…it’s…it’s—”

“What, Stevie?
Love?
When he left you ten years ago and disappeared without saying a word?”

“Stop it, Dillon. Stop it right now or I hang up and don’t speak to you again. You’re not in possession of all the facts. When you are, you
will
understand. I’m sure that now he’s here he’ll talk to you.”

“He won’t
be
here. Not after today.”

“Why? What happened today? When you saw him, how did you react?” Silence followed her question. “Dillon? What did you do?” Panic washed over her.

“I hit him repeatedly. He deserved it. But he…he wouldn’t fight. He just let me hit him.”

“No! No! Oh God no, Dillon. He really didn’t need it. Oh God. Where is he? Did he leave again?”

“Ha…well for all I know, he did. It’s what he does best, after all.”

“Dillon!” She lost her temper and shouted. “Where the hell is he? Did he say where he was going or
anything
?
Anything
at all? Tell me right now, or so help me I’ll—”

“He said he was staying at the Sure Stay…room forty. But why do you care? He dumped you remember? He left
you too
!”

“Yeah and like I said, he had good reason. And here in the real world, Dillon, shit happens. You deal with it and you move on. Some things are worth forgiving and some aren’t, and I hope very soon that you realise the difference.” She slammed the phone down and grabbed her car keys and bag. She rushed for the door and once outside, slammed it behind her.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Jason called into the pharmacy in the grounds of the hospital on his way back to his bike. He picked up gauze squares, antiseptic ointment, and painkillers along with fabric wash, toothpaste, and other things necessary to clean up after a beating. This was the first time his face had been involved, and when he caught sight of himself in the reflection of a shop window, he winced at the image staring back at him. His eye had begun to blacken and his cut lip was swollen.

All chances of leaving as soon as possible and heading back home were now scuppered. He knew now that he would need to remain in London for the foreseeable future and deal with the fall-out from seeing his younger brother, Dillon. He would also need to help sort his father’s affairs out. A job he did
not
relish the thought of.

Back at his hotel, he cleaned up his cuts and washed his face before taking a long hot shower. Once dried, he pulled on a pair of scrunched up pyjama bottoms. His leathers thankfully covered his T-shirt, and so there was no blood on it, but it needed a rinse through. Once he had washed and rinsed it, he hung it over the shower rail and examined his bruised ribs in the mirror. Dillon had certainly done him over good. His whole body ached. And he was completely drained from the encounter. He couldn’t be bothered to go through the agony of pulling on another T-shirt. Raising his arms, he had discovered, was too painful a task, that one thing was certain.

He pulled the drapes closed and gingerly lowered himself to the bed. Sleep would be good. Sleep was healing, so they said. Unless the dreams returned. He got himself settled and had just closed his eyes when there was a knock at the door.
Fuck it.
Was Dillon here for round two? He groaned and rose slowly from the bed again, feeling every muscle expand and contract painfully as he moved.

With more than a little trepidation, he opened the door a crack and peered out. Worried blue eyes stared back at him. He pulled the door wider.

Her hands flew to her face. “Oh Jason, no!” Tears overflowed in waves from her beautiful but sad blue orbs, and she reached up to touch his face. “Look at you. I can’t believe he did this”

He frowned at her words. “You know? How?”

“He called me to tell me you were here. I told him that I saw you up in Scotland. He wasn’t happy and said some cruel things.”

Anger rose within Jason, and his heart began to thunder in his chest. “Right…now I’ll fucking hit him.”

“No…no…please…he doesn’t understand. Can I come in?”

Jason stepped aside. “Of course, sorry, come on.” He flicked on the light, hurting his sore eyes in the process.

“Are you…are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital? Can I get you some ice from the restaurant downstairs?”

Jason shook his head. “I’m fine. I’ve dealt with worse. At least there were only fists involved.” He tried to smile.

“He said that you
let
him hit you. Why didn’t you defend yourself, Jason?”

“How could I? He thinks I left out of some twisted need for attention or to cause him harm. He’s angry. He said that I killed Mum and Dad. Maybe he’s right… I spoke to Reverend Greenough, and he said that Mum was never the same after I left. Maybe she died of a broken heart, Stevie.” His voice cracked. “And I can’t hit my own brother…well, not over that. I’d hit him for upsetting you though. That’s different. What did he say to hurt you?”

She touched the bruise just under his eye. “Never mind that. It’s really not important. I dealt with him and he apologised. Did you let him hit you because you felt you deserved it? Because if that’s the reason, you should know that you’re wrong. You didn’t deserve any of that.” She held his face in her hands. “You did what was right for you. It was what you
had
to do.” She caught a tear with her thumb as it trailed down his bruised cheek. “Dillon will understand when you tell him.”

Jason shook his head. “I can’t, Stevie. I can’t tell him. How could I do that to him? It’d be like killing them all over again. I can’t replace his happy memories with that shitty mess. And who’s to say he’d even believe me? He hates me right now. Why would he trust anything I had to say?”

She stroked his cheek. “
I
believe you. And so will he.”

Jason stepped away and walked over to the bed. He sat heavily and ran a shaking hand through his damp hair. He sniffed and wiped his eyes. “Can I ask you to do something for me?”

She gingerly stepped toward him. “Anything…what is it…what do you need?”

“I need
you
…please? I just want to hold you and have you hold me back, that’s all. I just want to feel something else…something other than pain and fucking anger for just a while.”

With a trembling lip, she switched off the overhead light, kicked off her shoes, and walked over to the bed. She climbed on and lay back, opening her arms to him. He crawled over to her, holding himself stiff due to the soreness of his body and curled into her, burying his face in her neck, pulling her as close as he could get to her. She stroked his hair and held him.

He moved his face to rest on her chest and inhaled her scent feeling comforted by her closeness. Her embrace was the one place that made sense to him. It made sense of all the nonsensical, dramatic, crazy things in his life. He listened to her heart beating out its soothing rhythm against his cheek.

After a while, he lifted his face to look at her. He could see her watching him in the dim light that shone into the room from the small en-suite bathroom.
Beautiful.

“What? What’s wrong?” She looked worried again.

“I’m just feeling very sad. Today has been so hard, and the only thing that’s felt right is lying here with you. But I know that this is temporary. We want different things and to be in different places. I can’t stay here. And you can’t leave. I just wish… I wish there was a way to make it work for us, but I’m trying so hard to accept that there isn’t one.” He rested his head down again and stroked her arm with his fingers.

“We’ve been through all of this, Jason. Let’s not fight over it now…please.”

She was right and Jason didn’t have the energy to fight with her over this anyway. She had made up her mind and clearly nothing he could do or say would change it. He would just take what he could get of her whilst he was here. Not in a selfish, demanding way. No…only what she was prepared to give him. And right now, her time and her comfort were all he needed.

****

Stevie lay there enjoying the familiar feeling of Jason cuddled up to her. It was reminiscent of so many times they had fallen asleep in each other’s arms as teens. The pleasant sensation of his weight half atop her body was new but felt good nonetheless. It brought back bittersweet memories of her visit to Scotland.

He was such a strong man, physically, but he had such a tender, damaged heart. The trouble was she had already fallen again. It happened all those weeks ago when she saw him for the first time in ten years. She’d tried to keep her fragile heart intact, but it was a futile exercise.

Jason was her first love, her only love if the truth was told. Being with him was the most natural thing ever, like breathing in and out. There was little conscious effort involved. It just happened and it felt right. But therein lay the problem. They lived completely different lives now. Over five hundred miles apart. And he still wouldn’t fight for her. Not really. Not that she expected a knight in shining armour or any such fairy-tale crap. No. She just wanted a real man with real feelings, who she knew belonged to her, forever and always, a man who wouldn’t just give up. Jason had been that man once. But he had also given up once.

The sad part to all of this was that she knew that she would never feel about another man the way she did about Jason. She had been ruined in that way. Although they had lost so many years, they still had the connection that made them two halves of the same soul. She could find a handsome man, a kind man, a man who adored her. But none of that would matter one single bit.

Because he wouldn’t be Jason.

She stroked his hair, feeling overwhelmed with a sense of melancholy that once again her time with him was limited. She wanted to spend time with him whilst he was here but feared that she might break again when he left.

“Will you come out on the bike with me whilst I’m here?” His question came out of the blue.

She laughed. “What? Are you kidding?”
Me on a bike?
No chance
.

He shook his head against her chest. “Nope, I’m perfectly serious. Don’t you think it’d be a massive turn on clinging to my body with a huge roaring monster between your thighs—and I mean the bike by the way—and us travelling at, oh, say around a hundred miles an hour?”