Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1) (24 page)

He let go of her arm, hunched his shoulders, and covered his face with both hands as he began to sob. A heart-wrenching sound filled with the pain and anguish that would stop him from answering.

“I didn’t think so…and that’s okay. I really
do
understand. Goodbye, Jason. Take care.” She walked toward the bus on legs that had all but turned to jelly, not daring to look back.

David gave her sad smile and patted her arm as she re-boarded. Once she had taken her place, the vehicle began to move again. She looked through the glass to see a defeated and broken looking Jason watching her leave.

And crack went the final piece of her heart.

****

After the coach was out of sight, Jason trudged back to his cabin with a dull, heavy ache in his chest. His lip still trembled and his eyes were still damp. So much regret, so much sadness lay like a lead weight on his shoulders. Seeing Stevie after all these years had sent him into meltdown, but at the same time had filled him with a sense of hope again. Hope was something he hadn’t felt since
long
before he left her ten years ago.

He hadn’t told her how he felt until time had run out. But how could he? After all, she had made it clear on more than one occasion that this was nothing more than a fling for her.

She was over him.

And now that she had experienced with him the
one thing
they never had shared before he left—making love—she was
still
willing to walk away. Yes, she had shown emotion, but looking back now, he realised that was probably a little nostalgia.

Seeing her get on that bus had torn what was left of his heart out. Knowing he probably wouldn’t see her again felt like someone had stamped on his heart whilst it lay, still beating on the floor.

Leaving her the first time had hurt like hell. But
losing
her this time was
far
worse. Losing her this time had been a choice he’d had no control over.
She
had chosen to walk away simply because she didn’t love him. She hadn’t said it, so she can’t have felt it.

He sat on his sofa in his quiet, empty cabin. The silence was deafening and so he leaned over and turned on his iPod. He flicked through the tracks and found the one he needed to hear. Listening to the words would torture him. He knew this. Yet he still pressed play.

“Here Without You” by 3 Doors Down filled the room and his auditory senses as he sat alone listening to the poetry of the lyrics and wishing he had just said
yes
to London. But he knew deep down he could never go back. Not to stay. And even though she knew his reasons for this and understood them, she’d made her mind up. He hadn’t been her choice. But he couldn’t blame her. He leaned forward resting his forearms on his knees as the tears came. His chest ached and his shoulders shuddered as her name fell from his lips in a sad and desperate plea.

He sat there for what seemed like forever, just staring at the vase of wild flowers in the middle of the table. They had made her smile. He was dragged from his memories when there was a knock on his door.

His heart leapt as adrenalin spiked in his veins and he dashed to open it. “Stevie?”

Dorcas cringed. “Oh…sorry, Jason, it’s just me.”

“What do you want?” he snapped harshly, stomping away from her into the middle of the room.

She stepped inside. “Just to see if you’re okay. Are you? You looked…devastated when she…when Stevie left.”

He turned to face her, his heart hammering in his chest. “Really? You think? Well is there any fucking wonder? She fucking ripped my heart out, Dee! She ripped it out and fucking
stamped
on it. I laid myself bare for her and for what? For
nothing
!”

She flinched. “Maybe she’ll see sense, Jason. Maybe if she loves you—”

He let out a derisive laugh. “Ha! That’s just it. She never
said
she loves me!” Anger rose up inside him as he grabbed the vase of wild flowers from the table and threw it at the wall. It smashed on collision, sending droplets of water and petals flying to the floor and making Dorcas physically jump. “She says she doesn’t want a long distance relationship before she’s even given us a fucking chance! I had no say in
any
of it. Maybe she was getting her own back for what I did. The bitch!”

Dorcas began to back away. “Look, I’ll leave you to calm down—”

“Calm down? Calm the fuck down? Really? I need to follow her, Dee. I need to get her to admit it. She does fucking love me! She must! You don’t share what we shared if you don’t feel something!”

Grabbing the scrunched up T-shirt he had tossed on the sofa the night before, he pulled it over his head. Grabbing his boots he yanked them onto to his feet and tied the laces quickly. He grabbed his helmet and his keys from the counter top.

“Jason, please don’t ride angry. Please calm down before you do anything stupid.”

“I’ve already done the most fucking stupid thing of my life, Dee. I left the
one woman
I’ve ever loved behind ten years ago and then I let her walk back in
and
out of my life within the space of a week. I’m a fucking idiot!”

He stormed past her and out into the clearing where his bike stood. Dorcas followed and watched with wide, fear-filled eyes as he mounted his bike and kicked away the stand. He turned the key in the ignition and set off hurtling down the long driveway, leaving a cloud of dust in his wake.

Although it was a warm day, the breakneck speed at which he travelled sent cold blasts of air across his skin. He exceeded the speed limit as he hurtled down the A9 putting his own life and the lives of others at risk. The further south he travelled, however, the more rationality overtook emotion. The more calm overtook the rage that had been burning inside. Numbness, apathy, and acceptance began to settle over him. As this happened, he began to slow the bike until eventually he pulled into a layby at the side of the road and came to a halt.

He removed his helmet and sat there, staring down the long, empty road, his chest heaving as a sense of defeat washed over him. Alone again. He would go no further. How could he? She had stated her case clearly. And she wasn’t a bitch. She was just being sensible and making an adult decision based on her own needs. There was nothing wrong in that. He slotted his helmet onto the handle bar and rubbed his hands over his damp face. As much as he didn’t see the problem of the five hundred and thirty two miles that would lie between them, she obviously did.

So as hard as it was and as much as it would hurt, he would have to let her go.

Chapter Nineteen

Sitting on the coach and staring out of the window, Stevie fought the tears that threatened to betray her once again. The memory of his face as the coach pulled away hurt so much. It was one memory of Jason that she would very much like to forget but doubted that she would any time soon. She wondered what he was doing as she gained distance from him. Was he upset? Was he angry? Both, she guessed. And who could blame him? She had given nothing but mixed signals, despite the words she had spoken. She had no one to blame for her sadness but herself.

Slipping her ear buds in, she hoped to be relieved by something that would lift her mood, but of course every track had subconsciously been put on there because it reminded her of her first love. She pulled the buds out again and thrust the device back in her bag, vowing to wipe the damned memory and start afresh with a batch of new songs when she got home.

Glancing out of the window, she realised the sky had darkened just like her mood. A thick, heavy, grey expanse sat above the road and pelted the coach with fat raindrops. The clouds were crying the tears she couldn’t allow to set free. The journey seemed endless, and David had thankfully seen fit to leave her to her melancholy mood. As the mountainous backdrop receded into the distance, so did her feelings. Numbness took over, proving to her that she had in fact left the remaining pieces of her heart back in Scotland.

****

Back in the little leafy London suburb, she unlocked and walked in her front door at nine o’clock after retrieving Rowdy from her neighbour. He was so excited to see her that he almost knocked her off her feet. Once safely ensconced back in her comfort zone, she fell to her knees in front of the over excited canine and buried her head in his fur, finally giving in to the emotions that she had been keeping locked away for the last ten or so hours.

“What have I done, Rowdy? What have I done?”

****

The next morning, Stevie lay on the sofa with Rowdy on the floor beneath her when her front door rattled. She sat bolt upright hoping beyond hope that it would be Jason, which was ridiculous and deep down she knew it. He had no clue where she lived.

“Stevie, darling! Are you up yet? I’ve missed you,” her mum’s voice called from the hallway.

“In here, Mum,” she replied unenthusiastically.

“You’re still in your pyjamas, sweetie. It’s almost eleven o’clock, you know. We said we’d go for lunch today.”

Stevie shrugged. “I know…I just…I don’t feel like it.”

“Goodness me! I was going to take you to Marco’s for ice cream! You love Marco’s. What has that trip
done
to you?”

Stevie pondered for a few moments, wondering what she could and
should
say to her mum to explain her poor mood. Eventually, she sighed. “Mum…sit down…I have something to tell you, but you can’t tell a soul. Do you understand? Not a
single person
. I mean it.”

Dana’s face grew pale. “Oh my. What’s happened, love?”

“You’re going to be shocked when I tell you. Come on…come and sit down.”

Dana did as instructed and clasped Stevie’s hand in her own. “Sweetheart, what’s happened? Come on love, out with it.”

Stevie proceeded to tell her mother about bumping into Jason on the trip and about the feelings it brought. She left out the parts about the hot sex, thinking it may seem a little inappropriate. She found it hard to keep her emotions in check however and cried rather a lot whilst her mum just sat there open mouthed.

“Oh, sweetie. I knew there was something. I
knew
it. You just didn’t sound yourself on the couple of occasions I spoke with you. I can’t quite believe you saw him. And he was
well
. And what his dad did to him.” Her eyes glazed over with sadness.

“This is why you must tell no one, Mum. Please.”

Dana looked directly into her eyes. “Stevie, I’m your mother. You should know you can trust me. But I must say that I don’t understand why you can’t make a go of things with him if you still love him and he clearly still loves you.”

“Because, Mum, there is the small matter of over five hundred miles between us
and
the fact that he ran away once. What’s to stop him doing it again? Only this time he wouldn’t need to run would he? Because he’d already be as far away as bloody possible. I can’t do long distance, Mum.” She began to sob. “I just can’t.”

Taking a deep breath Dana tilted Stevie's chin up and peered into her eyes. “Has this got anything to do with my illness? Because if it has please don't throw this away because of me, darling. I'm perfectly fine. My medication is working great, and I'm getting around just like anyone my age. I can't have you throwing your life away because you're worried about me. I just can't.”

Stevie closed her eyes for a moment, hoping to make her next words ring true. “No, mum. It's the long distance thing. I...I can't do it. I've seen it fail so many times and I just can't put myself through it.”

Dana seemed satisfied—for now—and pulled Stevie into her arms. “Okay, sweetie, shhh, okay. No one understands your reasons more than I do, honey. I just want you to be happy. Maybe if
I
call him he’d see—”

Stevie sat up. “Don’t you dare! Don’t you
dare
ring him, Mum!”

“Okay…okay. I’m just worried, sweetie. The last time I saw you like this was…ten years ago.”

“Yes, well I got over it then, and I’ll do the same now. I have to. I just
have
to. What we were doing up there was stupid anyway. It was always going to end. We were in some kind of denial if we thought it’d work out differently.”

Dana smiled knowingly. “Love will do that to you, darling.”

****

Getting back to normal was hard. Stevie cried for the first few weeks at the smallest of things. Her mother was understandably worried about her but didn’t pressure her to talk. She appreciated that. Dana told Stevie on more than one occasion that she wanted to pick the phone up and call Jason, beg him to come and rescue her daughter from her heartache, but Stevie had made her promise yet again that she would do no such thing.