Red Dirt Diary 2 (11 page)

Worms's eyes nearly popped out of his head. He couldn't believe his luck. He had no idea why Mrs Whittington was giving him a whole steamed golden
syrup pudding, or why she was calling him Blue, but he smiled up at her, gave her a hug and took the pudding. He sat down at the picnic table and ploughed his way through it.

Mrs Whittington sat down beside Worms and watched. She smiled and patted him on the head from time to time.

I was pretty disappointed that Worms got
my
golden syrup pudding, but he and Mrs Whittington both looked so happy. I could hardly interfere.

School newsletter day today. Mat was flapping the community notices page in my face as soon as we sat down on the bus to go home.

 

Dear Love Mechanic

New relationship advice column starting here next week.

Send all your problems to:

The Love Mechanic c/-Hardbake Plains Public School

Barnes Rd

Hardbake Plains

Remember, there's no problem too big or small for the Love Mechanic to solve.

 

MATILDA JANE THE MATURE IS THE LOVE MECHANIC.

What a tragedy.

And it's all my fault!

Saturday, 10 February

Woken at 5 am by Gunther's snorting and Macka's screaming. The ducks were quacking and flapping on top of the chicken coop. Two foxes hung around behind the old outdoor dunny then slipped away into the dark. They're getting cheeky.

Mum had to climb onto the chicken coop and pass the ducks down to Dad. Gunther hid them behind the firewood box. Macka continued to trot around the back yard, his ears pulled back and his eyes rolling so that you could see the whites. He looked crazy angry.

Wes and Fez have carpeted the tree house. It looks great and is really comfy to sit on.

Sunday, 11 February

Today at Mass, Father O'Malley talked about the part in the Bible where it says, ‘Greater love has no man than this — that he lay down his life for his friends.'

That must be proper love — the absolute best.

Gunther has that kind of love for his ducks. I know he'd die saving them from the foxes if he had to. And I think Macka would do the same for Gunther. Mum and Dad would lay down their life for us kids. That's just what mums and dads do. Even Wes and Fez would die for each other. They are completely feral, but they love each other heaps.

But what about James Welsh-Pearson? Would he throw himself in front of Miss McKenzie to shield her from gunfire? Would he dive into a raging river to save her from drowning? Would he run into a burning building, risking his own life to save hers?

I asked Mat what she thought. Her eyes glazed over and she sighed, ‘How
totally
romantic.' I think the whole point was lost inside her attractively small brain.

I'm
not so sure. If James loves Miss McKenzie so much, why does he want her to change? If you won't let someone play the bagpipes, or laugh when they snort chocolate mousse out their nose, or let their wild, carroty hair frizz out
in the breeze, you're hardly going to leap in front of a train to save them, are you?

But what would I know?

Monday, 12 February

Asked Banjo about the Greatest Love thing today. He sighed. He sounded like Matilda Jane the Mature!!!

Later on in the day I found this poem sitting beside my computer:

Is
this
his answer to my question about how much James loves Miss McKenzie? And if it is, does he think James loves her as deeply as the Grand Canyon or as deeply as a puddle of wee?

Tuesday, 13 February

Fez has started wearing Grandpa Weston's glasses to school because he thinks they make him look smart. They don't.

He can't see properly through the thick, scratched lenses and he keeps bumping into things. He knocked Lynette Sweeney over twice today. The second time, Nick Farrel grabbed him by the front of the shirt and was about to punch his lights out but Wes convinced him it was wrong to hit a person with glasses.

Some of the kids have been asking Mr Cluff about outdoor projects. They are the best thing about school.
Last year we had some great stuff happening. Harry Wilson set out to dig to China and trapped a criminal instead. Sam Wotherspoon kept half the district fed with giant zucchinis, which was very helpful during the drought. Mrs Murphy even came up with a new zucchini chocolate cake recipe that won the CWA National Cake Baking Competition in Wagga Wagga. Lucy learnt all about multiplication from her two rabbits who ended up having dozens of babies.

But none of that seems to matter to Mr Cluff. He said we might have to wait a while because he's too busy to get organised. Then he sat down on the veranda steps and chatted with Miss McKenzie for the rest of lunch.

Matilda Jane the Mature is already totally engrossed in her own special project. The Love Mechanic received her first letter today:

Ben and I nearly died laughing, but Mat was a bit disappointed. She's hoping for a more romantic problem before Friday.

Wednesday, 14 February —
Valentine's Day

Everyone at school received wedding invitations today. On Saturday, 31 March, Miss McKenzie becomes Mrs Katherine Isobel Welsh-Pearson. Matilda Jane the Over-enthusiastic Bridesmaid was ecstatic and declared that this was the most romantic Valentine's Day ever!

Miss McKenzie said that we all have to be her family because only a few of her real family can come out from Scotland for the wedding.

The whole school was bustling with excitement. Lucy promised Miss McKenzie a pair of her prettiest bunnies as a wedding present. Sam Wotherspoon has already started composting around his latest golden squash plant so that he can give the bride and groom the world's largest vegetable ever. Harry Wilson said he will take Miss McKenzie and James to Greenland for their honeymoon if his hot air balloon is finished in time.

Gabby Woodhouse offered to give everyone a special haircut before the big day, and ran off to
practise on Dora Wilson. Dora now has a crew cut just like Harry's and they look like twins. Dora is quite pleased.

So I suppose projects are starting with or without Mr Cluff's help …

The Love Mechanic received two more envelopes today. The first one was Cassie Ferris's lunch order for two party pies with sauce, a custard tart and a carton of strawberry milk. But the second one contained a proper letter:

I think the Love Mechanic was pretty cheesed off, too. It can't be easy being a delicate genius in a world of idiots.

Thursday, 15 February

Wes and Fez are being suspiciously quiet. Other than cutting out the carpet from under their beds for the tree house, they have been incredibly well behaved. Wes is sitting up the front of the classroom and works like a professor all day long. He even studies at night. He's taking this whole year three maturity thing a little bit too seriously.

Fez isn't doing much work at all but he is trying very hard to look intelligent in Grandpa Weston's glasses. He has also started wearing a tie to school and carries four different pens tucked into his shirt pocket.

What are they up to?

Mat told me I should just enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts, but she just doesn't get it. It's unnatural. If they squash their true natures for too long, it will burst out in some dreadful, destructive way sooner or later. I just know it.

Mrs Whittington brought Worms another steamed golden syrup pudding at lunch time
today. She was wearing a red bathing suit and a swimming cap covered in white rubber flowers. Worms didn't mind. He gave her a big hug, took the pudding and the spoon, and ploughed his way through. Mrs Whittington sat beside him, saying, ‘Lovely essay, dear. The bush is the heart of our beautiful country.'

Friday, 16 February

The Love Mechanic had her first real column published in the school newsletter today. Well, it wasn't real at all actually. Mat ended up writing the letter herself. She didn't think Cassie Ferris's lunch order really set the right tone …

Here it is:

And as if
that
wasn't scary enough,
this
was the Love Mechanic's reply:

What sort of advice is this??? I might not be an expert on love, but I really don't think this is the right answer. Thank goodness Pretty but Confused is a figment of Matilda Jane's imagination!

Caught Wes and Fez flicking through my bridesmaid's scrapbook this evening.

‘Weddings are very special, Blue,' said Wes.

‘And important,' said Fez.

‘You're very lucky to be a bridesmaid, Blue,' said Wes.

‘And important,' said Fez, and he burst out crying.

What does it all mean?????

Saturday, 17 February

We are all heartbroken.

We were woken at 4.30 this morning by Gunther and Macka. Gunther was running back and forth along the fence near the old pit dunny, squealing and frothing at the mouth. He kept trying to squeeze through the gaps in the wire. Poor thing was bleeding from little cuts all over his back.

Macka was running around in circles, rolling his eyes, shrieking and spitting. Fluffles was on top of the clothesline, puffed up to five times her usual size, her eyes as big as saucers.