Red Dirt Diary 2 (15 page)

Miss McKenzie spent the afternoon on the internet at our house, hiring one hundred and twenty white chairs and a carpet aisle for the wedding. I suggested she just tell everyone to bring their own chair. Miss McKenzie said she
thought that was a lovely idea, but James and Clarissa probably wouldn't like it.

I wanted to shout, ‘WHAT ABOUT WHAT
YOU
LIKE???' but I am being very supportive and mature, so I didn't.

Mum and Matilda Jane both would have been so proud of me.

Monday, 19 March

Eight days until Miss McKenzie's mum, dad and little brother, Dougal, arrive from Scotland.

Nine days until Sophie, Peter and Xiu, Peter's best friend, come home.

Ten days until the Easter long weekend begins.

Eleven days until Good Friday.

Which means …

ONLY
TWELVE DAYS
UNTIL THE
WEDDING!!!

Tuesday, 20 March

Sam Wotherspoon's golden squash is enormous. I don't know how he is even going to lift it when it's time to present it to Miss McKenzie and James.

A group of kids spent lunch time playing weddings. Harry Wilson was the priest and he wore his patchwork hot air balloon as a robe.

Worms and Cassie Ferris were married first. Cassie burst out crying because she wanted to marry Harry and travel to Greenland in his hot air balloon. Then Lynette and Ned Murphy were married. Nick was so upset he ran away and hid behind the toilets for the rest of the day.

Gabby was bawling her eyes out because she didn't get time to do anyone's hair before the weddings, so now they have to do it all over again tomorrow!

Mat has invited me to her place for the weekend. I must have looked scared because she said we could ride Sheba and swim in the dam and I could even bring Petal with me. So I said yes.

Wednesday, 21 March

Gertrude mauled
all
the swan topiary bushes overnight. Don't know what got into her.

Sophie emailed me at school to ask why on
earth
I haven't been keeping her up to date with all the wedding preparations. So I replied during maths, telling her that Wes and Fez have decorated the Christmas trees, the three
bridesmaids — Gertrude, Doris and Mildred — are trying to lose weight before Mrs Whittington marries Harold, Sam's giant squash should soon be the size of Russia, Mum has been making plum puddings to feed to the pigs, Dad's harvester has been painted pink to match the rose bushes (once again, Wes and Fez) and I have taught Clarissa Welsh-Pearson to laugh like a donkey and waltz like a hippo with a hernia.

I felt quite cheerful about the whole wedding thing once I'd finished the email. I suppose we really have been having a lot of fun along the way.

I think I just need to keep focusing on the positives.

Thursday, 22 March

Wes married Fez today. When Harry told Wes he could kiss the bride he refused, saying only a sissy pink-pants would kiss his brother. Fez got mad and hit Wes over the head with a zucchini. Wes wrapped Fez up like a sausage roll in Harry's patchwork balloon robe and rolled him all the way across the playground.

Fez was so dizzy when he finally stood up that
he ran into Miss McKenzie and knocked her over. She landed on the edge of the picnic table and broke her nose.

Mat was hysterical and said she hoped Miss McKenzie would look
decent
again by the time the wedding came around. Mr Cluff said Miss McKenzie could have a nose the size of Mount Kosciuszko and cheeks the colour of grass and she would still be beautiful.

Banjo and Mat both thought it was the most romantic thing anyone could ever have said in the whole wide world, but it wasn't. It was just the truth. Anyone who knows and loves Miss McKenzie would agree.

Mr Cluff was really kind and held her in his arms until Mum arrived and took her home. She's been tucked up in bed at Magpie's Rest ever since. Her nose is as wide as mine once more. It looks great. Just like the good old days when she first arrived at Hillrose Poo after being hit in the face by a flying pig-chariot wheel.

We sure are going to miss her.

Friday, 23 March

Miss McKenzie stayed home today, resting in bed with her enormous black and blue nose. Mrs
Whittington watched over her all day, bringing her cups of gravy and teapots full of tomato soup. I think Gerty might have been in to visit too by the look of Miss McKenzie's doona. There was pig snot all over the edges and feathers falling out the end where a hole had been chewed.

I went over after school to show Miss McKenzie my bridesmaid dress, which had been delivered during the day. I was actually surprised at how nice it looked — not too fluffy and frilly at all … and not even really pink. It's what Mrs WP calls
champagne
. It's what I call
weak tea with milk
.

Miss McKenzie smiled and said I would make the most perfect bridesmaid ever.

Matilda Jane the Mature would be drop-dead jealous if she knew.

Here is today's Love Mechanic letter:

The Love Mechanic's reply was:

Poor Worms. Love really
will
hurt if he has to give up any of his lunch.

Saturday, 24 March — Sweeney Farm

I'm sitting on Mat's bed writing this while she does my hair. I think she is onto the
fourth
bridesmaid style but that's okay. We've had a great day doing
immature
things like swimming in the dam with Lynette and Petal, building cubbies in the hay bales and making giant chocolate crackles. It's my turn to do something for Mat now.

Mat is beside herself with excitement because James and Miss McKenzie have asked if they can use Sheba to pull the antique buggy for their wedding. I reminded Mat about the gas problem, but she said Sheba is totally cured. According to Mat, Sheba eats only straw and fresh grass and smells like violets and roses.

I seem to remember that Sheba likes to eat anything she can sink her teeth into and then smells like a pit dunny with a dead cow down it.

Never mind. I'm sure Mr Sweeney has it all under control.

Sunday, 25 March

Mat, Lynette and I spent the day helping Mr Sweeney rig up the wedding buggy and harness. It all looks really beautiful — the buggy is shiny and black with cream leather seats. The harness is covered in little bells. There is a headdress for the horse that looks a bit like a silver volcano with fluffy white feathers spouting out the top.

Sheba seemed quite proud of herself when she was all fitted out, and trotted around the
driveway like a circus pony, even though she's twice the size of a normal horse.

Mat was so pleased and excited, I don't think she even noticed the bad smells that were drifting around.

I just hope there's a fresh breeze blowing across the plains next Saturday …

Monday, 26 March

Miss McKenzie was back at school today, but she was pretty quiet. I think her nose must still be throbbing. It has turned a lovely bruised rainbow of yellow, purple and green. It's a shame there's no pink to match the bridesmaid dresses and the harvester.

Wes and Fez have special crew cuts for the wedding! They came home with nits and before Mum could treat them with chemicals, Mrs Whittington had shaved their heads. After all, that's what they used to do when she was a girl.

Mum was horrified. She said Wes and Fez would look like little criminals for the wedding. I said they
are
little criminals and it's time we told everyone the truth.

Wes and Fez said it would all be fine because Mrs Whittington was going to knit them new tea cosies for the big day.

Mum sighed and went into her room for a little lie-down.

Tuesday, 27 March

Miss McKenzie's family are here at Hillrose Poo and they are just lovely.

Her dad, Angus, is tall and chunky and has red hair and a bushy beard. His eyes twinkle just like Miss McKenzie's used to, and he laughs all the time. Her mum, Glenda, is small and quiet but her eyes still twinkle and she never stops smiling.

Miss McKenzie's brother, Dougal, is ten and has red hair and freckles. He's as crazy as Wes and Fez and has already crashed a pig chariot, learnt to do flips off the trampoline, juggled four dead mice at once and got Macka to spit on him. Wes and Fez reckon he's the most awesome friend to have visited since Xiu came last Easter with a suitcase full of firecrackers.