Red Dirt Diary 2 (16 page)

At dinner tonight, Dad and Angus had an arm wrestle and Angus shoved Dad's hand down into the trifle. Glenda scraped the jelly off Dad's hand
with a teaspoon and ate it, laughing all the time. They were interested in everyone and everything, and didn't seem to think it was odd that Mrs Whittington wore her wedding dress to dinner, or that we played a song called ‘Ugly, Ugly, Ugly World' five times after dessert.

They are so perfect. Just like Miss McKenzie.

I wonder how they will get on with the Welsh-Pearsons …

Wednesday, 28 March

They're home. Sophie and Peter are back at Hillrose Poo where they belong. Xiu is here for Easter too.

Dad drove them through Hardbake Plains so they could call in at school before they went home. Sophie and Mat squealed like a pair of cockatoos when they saw each other. They air kissed and did the whole bridesmaid thing where they talked about their dresses, hairstyles, bouquets and a whole heap of other stuff I didn't even understand. Then they did it all over again when Sophie saw Miss McKenzie. It was exhausting.

Mr Cluff must have found it exhausting too, because he sat on the veranda with his head in his hands, sighing.

Harry Wilson asked Xiu if he'd like a wedding and, before Xiu knew what had hit him, he and Mat were married beside Lucy's rabbit hutch. When Harry told Xiu he could kiss the bride, Mat lunged forward and kissed Xiu ON THE LIPS!!!

All the big kids rolled around laughing themselves stupid. The little kids thought it was disgusting and yelled out stuff like EW, URK, YUCKY, POO.

Mat was so embarrassed that she burst into tears, pushed Harry over and ran into the girls' toilets to hide. Sophie ran after her.

What will Warren from Warren say when he finds out?

Thursday, 29 March

Such a sad, sad day.

And not even having Sophie and Peter at home can make it feel better.

Had a sausage sizzle at lunch time to farewell Miss McKenzie from Hardbake Plains Public School FOREVER.

The McKenzies came to school to share in the special farewell. They loved all the animals and Sam's vegie patch. Glenda told Harry that
his hot air balloon looked just splendid and that he was welcome to stay with them at Dingwall if ever he flew over Scotland. Angus let Gabby comb and style his beard and pretended to be quite happy with the ribbons she tied all through it.

After lunch we had an Easter egg hunt and Angus got stuck under the tank stand when he was searching for eggs for Dora and Cassie. Wes and Fez said they could chop his arms and legs off, because that's what the famous contortionist Vincent Van Gogh did every time he got stuck somewhere awkward. But Mr Cluff wouldn't let them. Miss McKenzie finally crawled under the other side and shoved him out.

Just before home time, Mr Cluff gave a farewell speech. He said Miss McKenzie was the best thing ever to have happened to Hardbake Plains. She had brought joy and light and fun and love to our school, and the Bake will be a poorer place when she is gone.

Everyone was crying by the end. Gary Hartley and Nick Farrel were blubbering so much they couldn't even perform the special Highland fling they had been rehearsing all term. Worms cried so hard he threw up. Although it could also have
been because of the seventeen Easter eggs he'd just eaten.

So the day ended on a bit of a low, I suppose.

Everyone walked out through the front gate as though they were leaving a funeral. Even Miss McKenzie and her mum and dad.

Mr Cluff was left all alone, standing at the gate, looking like a maggoty dead sheep had just slammed full pelt into his life.

Friday, 30 March — Good Friday

Only one sleep to go!

Woke up with a sinking feeling in my tummy. Ate three hot cross buns for breakfast, which made the sinking feeling even worse.

The whole place was CRAZY all day, with trucks and armies of people coming and going. There were big white tents and rows of seats popping up all over the yard. We have thousands of fairy lights strung up in the trees and dozens of chefs in white hats shooing Mum from the kitchen. As if Mum's sausage rolls and lamingtons aren't good enough!

All this fuss over one little wedding.

James, Mrs Welsh-Pearson and Alex arrived before lunch. Alex is the best man, although I can't see what makes him any better than Dad or Mr Cluff or any of the other blokes around here.

Mrs WP was horrified when she saw the garden. The bushes Wes and Fez have decorated as Christmas trees looked so bright and festive, you'd hardly notice the mauled swans or the uprooted balls and hearts. But Mrs WP wants everything to be
perfect
for the wedding. She made Peter and Xiu pull
all
the bushes out and burn them behind the shed. What a waste!

Mrs Whittington was quite distressed about the Christmas trees vanishing this close to 25 December. Wes and Fez were quite distressed that their strings of rabbit poo had been so thoughtlessly destroyed. First the poo on the farm sign, now the poo on the trees … If I was Mrs WP, I wouldn't be messing with Wes and Fez like this. They are still quite emotional about not being included as bridesmaids.

Had a rehearsal of the wedding ceremony before dinner. It all seemed to go okay, except for the part where Miss McKenzie said
I
was
the chief bridesmaid and had to hold her bouquet. Mat was livid because she thought
she
was the most important bridesmaid on earth. She stormed off in a huff, tripped over the edge of the carpet aisle and landed face first on the back of a chair. Her bottom lip is now looking unattractively large. Her brain, however, is obviously still attractively small. I tried to console her by pointing this out but she just burst into tears and said some quite hurtful things about my red hair and dancing talents.

Anyway, Princess Mat and Lynette have gone home now and the Welsh-Pearsons are at the pub for dinner, so at last things are back to normal here. Sophie is piercing her bellybutton with a safety pin. The boys are playing Truth or Dare and Peter is running around the back yard in Mum's nighty with grapes stuck up his nose. Mrs Whittington is digging up a new vegie patch in front of the seating for the wedding. She has turned all the fairy lights on so she can see in the dark. ‘Angry Orphans in My Attic' by Festering Punks is blasting out across the plains.

Saturday, 31 March — The Wedding
2.45 pm

I am sitting at the dining table writing this. The moment I was all dressed and decorated as a bridesmaid, Mum plonked me down with a novel, my diary and a pen and has forbidden me to move an inch. I think she's scared I'll tear my dress or fall over and get grass stains. At least I have a great view of the back yard from here.

I feel stupid as. The dress is okay. It's all the other stuff I hate. My shoes have high heels and I'm limping before I even
start
the bridesmaid's walk up that long carpet aisle. I have pink lipstick on, which makes me feel like I've eaten a sticky bun and not had time to wipe my mouth clean. My hair looks like something Gabby Woodhouse has designed — all puffed up, with flowers and corkscrews dangling in odd places. It's
really
embarrassing.

The pigs and Macka are locked away in the shearing shed yard. Wes and Fez are in their little black suits and ties. The food and champagne is set up in the big white tent at the end of the yard and I can just see the enormous wedding cake on its special table under the peppercorn tree.

Miss McKenzie is getting dressed at Magpie's Rest. At 4 o'clock we'll all be picked up at Mrs Whittington's front veranda in the buggy — Angus, Miss McKenzie, Mat, Sophie, Lynette and me. We'll be driven around the house to the back yard, where everyone will be waiting in their seats for Miss McKenzie to walk down the aisle and marry James Welsh-Pearson.

I must be happy for Miss McKenzie's sake.

I must be happy for Miss McKenzie's sake.

I must be happy for Miss McKenzie's sake.

3.10 pm

Mum has just brought Petal in to me. She found her swimming around in the punch bowl, bobbing between the bits of floating fruit and ice. The chefs weren't very happy.

3.20 pm

Good grief!

Sheba has escaped and is outside the dining-room window eating the rosemary bushes. Her feather headdress is bobbing up and down excitedly. She must be getting into a real feeding frenzy.

I know she shouldn't eat anything other than fresh grass or oats, but I can't go outside and stop her. Mum has promised to kill me and bury me behind the chook shed if I move a millimetre from the dining table. I just have to sit here and watch.

Hope the wedding is over before Sheba starts digesting too much …

3.35 pm

Mr Sweeney laughed his socks off when he found Sheba. I could be wrong, but I reckon he patted her neck and told her she was a good girl as he led her away.

Uh-oh! Worms has just disappeared into the big white tent for his own feeding frenzy …

3.40 pm

Sam Wotherspoon has presented his wedding gift to James. The giant squash is so big he had to carry it in a wheelbarrow. Unfortunately it tipped over at the last minute and the squash lived up to its name — it
squashed
James's foot.

I can just see him limping over to the wedding area now. I don't think he even said thank you to Sam.

How rude is that?

3.50 pm

Oh no. Here comes Mum. I think I am about to be the most embarrassing bridesmaid on Earth …

11.45 pm

Miss McKenzie has left Hillrose Poo.

She is gone.

I am devastated.

At 4 o'clock Sheba pulled up beside Magpie's Rest and took Mrs Whittington to the wedding. She wore her old wedding dress with the yellow hem and the torn sleeves, and had geranium flowers in her hair. She looked lovely and very happy.

Of course, Miss McKenzie and us bridesmaids were meant to go to the wedding in the buggy, but Mrs Whittington got confused and thought it was for her. It was kinder to just let her go.

We ended up travelling to the back yard in the pink harvester with Dad. Miss McKenzie laughed her head off, and said it was the best way ever to go to her wedding. She was really glad I'd brought Petal along too. She said it gave that extra country touch to the whole celebration. It was the happiest she's been in weeks.

Five hideous bagpipes screeched the Bridal March, and we walked down the aisle — Sophie,
Mat, Lynette, then Petal and me. Matilda Jane the Mature was so busy fluttering her eyelashes at Xiu that she ran into Sophie and they both tripped over. I limped all the way, and Petal limped along beside me. Honest to goodness I tried not to, for Miss McKenzie's sake. But that step-drag-ankles-together thing combined with the high-heeled shoes was a recipe for disaster. James glared at me all the way. He probably thought I was mocking his own limp from Sam's squash, but I just couldn't help it.

Finally Miss McKenzie tip-toed along the carpet aisle. She held onto Angus's arm like she was scared of drowning or falling over a cliff.