Regret List (16 page)

Like I said: I was an idiot back then.

At school that week, I went back to eating lunch by
myself. It was obvious that Asher was avoiding me and ignoring my
texts. He wanted nothing to do with me, but still we kept up the
notebook, slipping it into each other’s locker when the coast was
clear. Except, even in the story, the boy was heart-wrenchingly
distant with the girl as they escaped the wizard’s castle and fled
his armies. It seemed like no matter what I did, I wasn’t going to
win Asher back as my best friend. It was the loneliest time of my
life. The worst part was that Jason seemed more and more smitten
with me, even as I felt more distant from him.

I still believed going out with Jason was the right
thing to do, but I didn’t think I had the strength to keep going
like that for the rest of my life. Jason was a nice guy and I liked
him, but not the way he liked me. Every time he touched me, I felt
another little piece of myself wither away. I think it’s because I
was proving to myself that I wasn’t important, that my life was
just a tool. One night, unable to sleep, I knelt on the floor next
to my bed, leaning my head against the mattress. I had seen the
scene in children’s books and in movies, and I closed my eyes and
wished hard. I prayed that if I was wrong, if there was a God or a
Coyote or something up there, that someone would show me what to
do, how to keep going. That’s how desperate I was becoming.

However, before we go too much deeper into the
Asher-Jason debacle, there’s one other loose end I need to tie up:
Grace. No, I didn’t forget about her while all this other stuff was
going on, but I knew she would text me when she was ready. And one
afternoon in early March, that’s exactly what she did. I was
lounging on the couch, watching some stupid movie about
chimpanzees, when my phone vibrated in the couch cushions
somewhere. I looked for it frantically, hoping against hope that it
might be a text from Asher. Even after nearly a month, every time
my phone vibrated, my heart pounded in the same way it had on
Valentine’s Day when I saw him in the coffee shop. I finally found
it wedged in the cushions and I leapt to my feet when I saw it was
Grace. All the message said was:
Can you come over?

Be there in a few minutes
, I replied, already
slamming my feet into my boots. As I biked over to her house, I
wondered if this was it, if she was finally going to confront
Patrick. By this point, she must have been around four or five
months pregnant. What was it about today that made it the day to
tell Patrick, if that’s what we were doing? I suddenly had a dozen
questions for her and no idea what to expect. I didn’t have a whole
lot of experience with pregnant girls. There was only once before,
when I thought I met a pregnant girl around Grace’s age. I say
“thought,” because…well, maybe I should just tell the story.

One April Fool’s day, only two or three years ago, I
was sitting around at Asher’s house, playing a karaoke video game
with him, his two brothers, and Terrance’s new girlfriend, Sarah.
Well, we were trying to play the game, but only Sarah and I were
singing. All of the boys refused to sing, despite our protests. As
Sarah left to use the bathroom, the boys exchanged glances and
looked pointedly at me. “What?” I asked, suspicious. And no, I
didn’t realize what day it was.

Terrance looked away, making sure Sarah was out of
earshot and all three of them moved in closer to me. “Didn’t you
notice anything…different about Sarah?” Caden asked.

I shrugged, racking my brain for anything. “No, I
don’t think so.”

Terrance looked down with the most demure look I’d
ever seen him give. I swear that guy has a future in acting. Caden
stared at me a bit longer, until I shifted uncomfortably in my
seat. “She’s pregnant,” he finally hissed as we heard the toilet
flush.

My mouth dropped open and I stared at Terrance.
“You!” He nodded, his face totally blank. “Oh my God! Does your mom
know?” All three boys shook their heads, then shushed me as Sarah
came back down the hall. I tried not to stare at her, but found it
difficult. I just couldn’t imagine what she must be going through,
what it must feel like. She noticed me staring at her stomach and
gave me a weird look.

“Is something wrong?” she asked, pulling a pillow in
front of her stomach.

“No, no,” I quickly reassured her. “I mean, how are
you doing?” I spoke with this awful, too-high voice that I figured
was how you were supposed to talk to pregnant girls. In reality, I
just sounded ridiculous.

“I’m okay,” she said warily, glancing at the boys who
were all grinning at the exchange. “Why do you ask?”

I scooted closer to her and patted her shoulder. “I
just mean, I’m sure everything will be okay. Terrance’s mom is
really sweet and I’m sure she’ll understand. But you always have
options, you know?” To my preteen mind, I was being supportive.

Sarah looked totally lost and huddled a little closer
to Terrance. “I seriously don’t know what you’re talking about.
You’re creeping me out.”

“It’s okay!” I insisted. “They told me about your,
you know, pregnancy.” I said the last word in a whisper. Her face
transformed in an instant and she smacked Terrance, jumping to her
feet.

“You told her about my
what
?”

The boys burst into laughter, falling over each
other, and I froze in my seat, feeling my face flush bright red. I
shoved Asher, who tried to fend me off, still gasping for breath.
“You liar!” I hollered.

“I didn’t say anything!” He smirked. “Come on, it was
funny.”

Sarah stomped out of the room, followed shortly by
Terrance, and I spent a good ten minutes sulking, until both Asher
and Caden begged for my forgiveness in between fits of laughter.
Terrance and Sarah’s relationship didn’t last too much longer after
that, and I had a hard time believing it was solely because
Terrance had “better things to do than hang out with dumb
girls.”

On my bike, heading over to Grace’s house, I was
finally able to laugh at the memory, promising myself that at least
I wouldn’t treat Grace like
that
. I found the side-street
where her house was located, and dumped my bike in her yard. An
orange cat ran up as I walked to the door and it meowed, rubbing
its head against my leg. “Hey, little guy.” I knelt down and rubbed
his ears.

“That’s Scruffy-Cat.” I jumped, startled, then
launched myself at Grace, hugging her tightly.

“I’ve missed you!” I said, feeling her hesitate, then
hug me back. After a moment, I stepped back, looking down at the
cat “That’s seriously its name? Scruffy?”

“Scruffy-Cat,” she corrected me. “He doesn’t live
here, but I feed him sometimes. There’s also Puffy-Cat and
Fluffy-Cat, but they don’t come around as often.”

I laughed and she let me inside. “So, what’s up?” I
asked, shedding my coat on a chair. As soon as I took it off, I
wished I hadn’t. Goose bumps rose up on my arms and I felt a frigid
breeze coming through the room. At first I thought she had left a
window open, but looking around, I realized the house was just that
drafty. Grace was dressed in a thick hoodie, partially pulled up
over her head. Now it was clear why. “You look really good, by the
way,” I continued.

She screwed up her face and huddled a little deeper
in her hoodie. “If you say so. I’m getting so fat.”

“You’re not fat.” I rolled my eyes. “You’re
pregnant.” She was, too. I had wondered if she would decide to get
an abortion, but from the slight roundedness of her stomach, it was
clear she had kept it. “Have you told your mom?”

She nodded. “She was more exasperated than anything,
didn’t really know how we were going to afford another baby. She
agreed to let me do high school online, though. I think she really
wants me to be the first one in our family to graduate high school.
She’s really pushing me to keep up on it.”

“Well, that’s good. So why’d you want me to come
over?” I finally asked, probably sounding a bit abrupt, but I was
worried Patrick would come bursting through the door any
moment.

“I found out the baby’s sex today,” she replied,
sitting down on the couch and patting the cushion next to her. I
started to congratulate her, but she waved me to be silent. “Just
listen for a sec, okay? So when they told me I was having a boy, it
all became totally real, all at once. I mean, I know I was
pregnant, but suddenly knowing it was a little boy in there?” She
stared at me for a moment, seeming to wonder if I could really
understand what she was trying to get across. “It’s just real now.
So, it’s time to tell Patrick.”

I cringed inwardly and looked over at the door again.
Grace laughed and shook her head. “It’s okay, he won’t be here for
a while longer, if he even shows up. Anyway, how are you doing? Are
you still with Jason?” I nodded and she ran a hand through her
hair, her eyebrows raised slightly in surprise. “Seriously?
Wow.”

“Why do you sound so surprised?” I asked, feeling a
little defensive.

She put her hands over her face and flopped backward.
“Never mind! I just always thought you and that Asher guy had a
thing for each other. Jason’s nice and all, but I didn’t expect you
to still be with him. Obviously, I was wrong!” She giggled and
peeked out at me.

I plastered a smile on my face and forced out that
awful fake-laugh that I hate. “Oh, no. Asher and I aren’t like
that.” I wished I could tell her what was going on. I was desperate
to tell
someone
, but I was pretty sure I couldn’t get
through the whole thing without bawling and I felt horrible about
even considering burdening her with my stupid problems. Especially
right before something like this.

“Well, how are Sammy and Kandice doing?” she asked,
sitting back up.

“Oh my gosh, do I have a story for you!” I grabbed
her hands, scooting in closer. As I filled her in about what all
had happened since the party, all that awkwardness that had grown
between us in our separation suddenly disappeared and she was
totally engrossed in the story when we heard a knock at the door.
We gave each other a long look and stood slowly.

Grace took a deep breath. “Let’s do this,” she said,
a serious tone in her voice. Before she could reach the door,
another harsh knock sounded out. “Yeah, yeah, hang on,” she
mumbled, swinging the flimsy aluminum door open. Patrick stood
there, a silhouette in the doorway, blocking out most of the light
streaming into the dusty room. As he stepped inside uninvited and
nudged the door shut with his foot, I saw he was still wearing the
same old sunglasses. He must have seen me, but he didn’t
acknowledge my presence in any way.

“What do you want?” he asked Grace, crossing his arms
in front of his chest.

I stood behind her, leaning close enough to feel the
warmth radiating off her body. I was nothing but a silent symbol of
support, but at least I was something. “I’m pregnant,” she
said.

For a moment, everything was silent. I had enough
time to think to myself that this wasn’t going to be so bad, when
Patrick just e
xploded
. I don’t know how else to explain it.
His arms flew out in the air and he made this awful yelling noise
deep in his throat. It was more like a roar than a scream. I have
never seen anything like it. There was seriously something wrong
with that guy, but between Grace and I, we managed to hold our
position and we just stared, waiting for his tantrum to end.

“You fat whore!” he yelled, kicking over a footstool.
“You stupid idiot.” No, really, I’m not making this up. These were
the best insults he came up with. Coming from him, though, it was
still pretty scary. He lunged at us and brought back his hand, like
he was going to slap Grace, but then glanced at me and thought
better of it. “You can’t take care of a baby. You can’t even take
care of yourself without me. Why haven’t you gone and got that
thing aborted?”

Grace just stared at him until his breathing slowed a
little and he sat back squarely on his feet. “Look, are you going
to take responsibility for him, or not?” she asked.

Her demeanor seemed to calm him slightly, but I could
see sweat beading on his forehead and his nostrils flared with
every breath. “That thing ain’t mine. I never – we never did
anything like that. Everyone knows you’ve been screwing every guy
at school. It could be anyone’s.” He started to back away slightly.
When he glanced at the door, I caught sight of his eyes behind the
sunglasses; they were wide and showing too much white, reminding me
a lot of a scared horse.

Grace sighed with impatience. “I’m asking you one
question, Patrick. That’s it. This is your kid. Are you going to
take responsibility or not?”

“No!” He bolted for the door, yanking on it a little
too hard, so it slammed against the wall. Fumbling for the
doorknob, he shut it quickly behind him and he was gone. I sagged a
little against Grace as she gave me a triumphant look. She wasn’t
smiling, but her eyes crinkled a little.

“So you heard him, right?” she asked. “He’s not
taking responsibility for the baby. Whatever I decide, his opinion
doesn’t matter now. If he ever claims differently, you were here to
hear the truth.”

I nodded slightly, finally understanding. I wasn’t
here for support, I was here as a witness. “Are you okay?” I asked,
nearly whispering.

She pressed her hands to her belly and smiled
finally. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I am. What a relief. My worst fear
was that he might want to take the baby after he’s born. I mean, I
still haven’t decided if I want to give him up for adoption, but
giving him to Patrick,” she blanched, “that would be unbearable.”
She led me back over to the couch, where we flopped back down.
“Okay, now finish telling me about Kandice and Sammy.”

We talked for a while longer, but as it started to
get dark, I decided to head back home. “Where’s your mom?” I asked
as I gathered up my coat.