Regret List (20 page)

Her eyes narrowed a little. “Well, I haven’t really
clued you in to what’s going on.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve been gone a
lot.” I nodded, not quite understanding. “Last summer, I decided I
needed to do something more with my life. I mean, being a secretary
wasn’t exactly my dream growing up.”

I laughed. “I suppose not.”

“So, I’ve been taking night classes this past year,
working to getting my associate’s degree in paraprofessional
education.”

“Para-what?” I asked, mystified.

“It’s like a teacher’s aide,” she explained. “I just
remember how much I loved helping out in your classes when you were
a kid. I’d love to do that as a career.”

“Wow.” I was honestly impressed. “I mean, I thought
you were just out on dates and stuff.”

She burst out laughing. “Every night? Sheesh, kid, I
don’t have nearly that kind of social life.”

I shrugged, feeling embarrassed. “Well, I don’t know!
I guess I just assumed. Why didn’t you tell me?

It was her turn to look embarrassed. “I don’t know.
It seems a little silly, doesn’t it? Your old mom, off at
college?”

I shook my head. “I think it’s kind of cool.” We were
quiet for a bit as we went over the mountain pass. It might have
been late April, but there was still snow on the ground up there.
Fortunately, it was a clear night and the roads were dry. I pulled
out the notebook, hunting in the glove box for a pen. “I’m just
going to write for a while,” I said, turning on the overhead
light.

“I think it’s kind of cool my little girl is writing
a book,” she returned. “You’ll have to let me read it when you’re
done.”

It was late at night when we reached Portland.
Switching on the in-car GPS, I typed in the address from my phone
and looked at the estimated time of arrival: 11:15pm. Only 20
minutes away. I started to get antsy, checking the clock often and
staring out the window as the freeway gained more and more lanes
and we entered the city. When we took an exit, I felt my heart
start to beat a little faster. My hands were clenched tightly
together in my lap and I started to wonder what the heck I was
going to say when we got there. Would he even let me in?

At 11:15, we pulled into a driveway and my mom
double-checked the address. “Well, this is it, hon,” she said,
switching off the car. “You want me to come in with you?”

I shook my head. “No. I think I should do this by
myself.”

“Alright, I’ll be waiting out here. Take your
time.”

Taking a deep breath, I stepped out of the car and
walked up the short path to the front door. The yard was a little
overgrown, but it wasn’t a bad house. A little small, maybe, but
kind of cozy-looking at the same time. I noticed a few lights on,
shining through the curtains and I rang the doorbell, still
wondering what I should say. A man opened the door and stared at
me. I still remembered the man who rescued me from the bees, but
this man looked so much older. For a second, I was afraid I had the
wrong house, but then he narrowed his eyes. “Paige…?” he
ventured.

“Hi, Mr. Pierce. Is Asher here?”

He nodded and stepped aside to let me in. “He’s just
getting all his things moved in. I had a feeling Asher didn’t
decide to move here on a whim. I should’ve known it was about a
girl.” I felt a little bad for him then. Maybe he made some stupid
decisions, but it must have sucked to know that none of your kids
wanted anything to do with you.

His dad led me back to Asher’s room, where he was
standing on his bed, hanging up a pile of pictures and posters. I
spotted a few photos of us on the wall, grinning from the top of a
tree and one with our backs turned, dipping our legs in a creek.
“Hey,” I said, hearing Asher’s dad retreat to another room.

Asher spun around, sitting down heavily on the bed.
“Wha-“

“You are not getting away from me that easily, you
moron,” I said, tossing the notebook at him. “Our story isn’t over
yet.”

He nudged the notebook away, looking wary. “Why are
you here?”

I put my hands on my hips. “To stop you from doing
something stupid. You think you can just escape to Portland and
it’s like we never existed?” I pointed at the wall. “You’ll wake up
every day and see us.”

“You’re saying I should tear down our pictures?” he
asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No, I’m saying you should come home.” I tapped the
notebook. “The girl you seduced from behind bars isn’t just going
to let you run off. She’s coming after you.”

His mouth twitched. “Don’t say that word – seduced –
you sound like such a dork.”

“Who’s going to rescue me when I fall down the
stairs, or send me on scavenger hunts on Valentine’s Day, or write
a freaking book with me?”

The scowl returned to his face. “Like I said, I don’t
want to be your next pity case.”

“You think I pity you?” I matched his glare, pausing
for a second to wonder how exactly I could convince him that I had
changed. I knew my feelings were true, but I didn’t blame him for
not trusting me. “You know what I did when Jason told me he loved
me?”

He winced a little, but I knew it was necessary.
“No.”

“I passed out on the floor.”

“Well, you weren’t much better with me!” he
protested, even as his eyes narrowed a little in triumph. “You
burst into tears and left me standing there.”

I rolled my eyes. “I told you I loved you first. That
wasn’t the part that upset me. Try it again. Tell me that you love
me.”

“I think that’s the name of a song.”

“I think that’s the name of, like, ten songs,” I
retorted. “Now do it.”

He sighed and got to his feet. This time, he signed
and said it at the same time. “I love you, Paige.” His voice
sounded tired.

I signed it as well. “I love you too, Asher. You see?
You’re right - I was wrong to date Jason like that. I might be
stupid, but I learn from my mistakes.” I reached for his hands and
held them for a second, just looking at him, hoping he believed me.
Then I turned, and left, lifting a weary hand in farewell to his
dad. As I reached for the door, I heard steps coming down the
hallway behind me.

“Wait,” Asher said, “happy birthday, Paige.”

I glanced at my watch. Sure enough, it wasn’t yet
midnight. In all the chaos, I had totally forgotten it was my
birthday. You might remember that #5 of my Regret List reads:
Pretty much the entirety of my ninth grade year. There’s a reason I
stuck the words “pretty much” in there. Because that moment, where
Asher wished me a happy birthday, that part didn’t suck at all. And
that smile he gave me, it made that birthday the best one so
far.

See you later
, I signed, and left through the
front door to rejoin my mom in the car. “How’d it go?” she asked,
starting up the car and backing out of the driveway.

I pursed my lips. “I’m not sure,” I admitted. “I
guess we’ll see.” The next day, I didn’t hear from Asher. By
Sunday, I was starting to worry that I had failed. Maybe I hadn’t
got through to him. I decided to go up to the butte to clear my
mind. Sitting up there, everything just seemed simpler. It’s almost
like I could feel Asher’s presence up there, even when he was 200
miles away.

I brought the mp3 player my mom had given me for my
birthday and sat in the sun, dozing off a little with the ear buds
filling my head with music. With a sudden movement, they were
jerked out of my ears and I sat up, wide awake. For a moment, I
honestly thought I was seven years old again, and I would open my
eyes to find my mom handing me a backpack. Putting a hand to my
eyes, I blocked out some of the bright sunlight that threatened to
blind me. Asher stood above me, holding my ear buds in his hand.
“What are you listening to?”

“Asher!” I yelled, throwing myself at him and hugging
him tightly. “What took you so long?”

“Ugh,” he extricated himself from him my grasp, but
he was smiling. “I was hanging out with my dad.”

We sat down on one of the boulders. “Did you have
fun?”

“Yeah,” he said, surprise in his voice. “I left some
of my stuff there. I think I’ll visit him again sometime.”

“But you’re moving back here, right?” I asked.

He shrugged, trying to look casual. “I suppose. If
you insist.”

“I do insist.”

“Oh, hey.” He picked up the notebook from beside him
and handed it to me. “It’s your turn.”

Laughing, I leaned against him and opened the
notebook to let the breeze rustle through the pages. We had come a
long way, that girl and I. We hadn’t come out unscathed and I knew
there were other rough roads ahead, but for the moment, it was time
to just relax and appreciate where we were.

You might be curious what happened between Asher and
me, but I can’t really say. Not because I don’t want to tell you,
but because that story isn’t over yet for me. I will say that we
went to the end-of-the-year dance together. Technically, we went as
friends, and we definitely didn’t get in trouble with a chaperone,
like I had done with Jason. But still, I felt that spark between us
again.

As for Grace, she had her baby that summer and gave
him to a couple in Portland that had been trying for years to
adopt. I visited her in the hospital after she gave birth and while
she wasn’t happy about the whole thing, she was okay, and that was
the important part. Afterwards, she visited me a few times at my
house. For the first time in my life, I finally had sleepovers and
actually felt like a normal teenage girl with a friend to confide
in. I only wish it hadn’t taken me so long to figure out who my
real friends were.

Asher visited his dad a few times that summer as
well. Eventually, he got Caden and Terrance to go with him as well.
I wasn’t happy about losing him during those weeks, but at the same
time, I knew it was a really good thing.

I guess you’re wondering now why I told you this
story. Part of it is a warning, I suppose, on what not to do, but
part of it is for me. I’m tired of dwelling on my regrets, feeling
that awful churning feeling in my gut when I think of my list. But
when I tell the whole story like this, I start to see the other
side of it. Some really good things happened along with those
regrets. Even though my ninth grade year was a huge disaster
overall, I still smile when I think back to it. So I guess maybe
I’m wrong. Maybe there is an opposite of guilt. It’s the relief you
feel when you realize what happened is over and done with, and you
pick up whatever knowledge you can and move on. I think the closest
word would be solace.

My Top 5 Pieces of Solace:

1. Knowing my dad is no longer suffering
   

2. Letting out the truth
   

3. Seeing Grace grow up and make the hardest decision of
   her life
   

4. Going after Asher and winning him back
   

5. Being through with my ninth grade year