Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (21 page)

We are not saying that you have to settle for spending the rest of your life with a partner who only generates a response of 0-5 in you. We feel that there has to be
some
chemistry for the relationship to work. But, if there is
only
romantic chemistry, it almost certainly will
not
work in the long run. There are plenty of 6’s, 7’s, and 8’s out there. One of them might bring you the deep fulfillment of an intimate, loving relationship, perhaps for the first time in your life.

5. When You Find a Partner Who is Emotionally Generous
,
Give the Relationship a Chance to Work. Ask for What You Want. Share Your Vulnerability with Your Partner.
When you get into a healthy relationship, give it a chance. Many times people with this lifetrap feel bored and dissatisfied in healthy relationships, and they want to walk away. Do not walk away so fast, even if the relationship seems unexciting. Maybe you just need to get used to the strange sensation of having your emotional needs met.

After the fiasco with Christine, Dustin became involved with a woman named Michelle, who was warm and caring. Dustin was
very
attracted to her at first, but this changed. As they got deeper into the relationship, the chemistry he felt for her faded. He began coming to sessions saying he was bored with Michelle, that he was not attracted to her anymore, and that maybe the relationship was a big mistake. However, we were still hopeful. Good things were happening between them at the same time. Dustin was allowing Michelle to care for him. Despite Dustin’s feelings that he might want to end the relationship, we thought it was possible that it still might work out.

There were many good signs about Dustin’s relationship with Michelle that kept us hopeful. First of all, he was
once
attracted to her. We do not believe that you can create chemistry when there was never any there. But, if there is at least a moderate degree of chemistry at the start, it is worth an attempt to recapture it if it fades. It is worth trying to address your problems in the relationship in the hope that you can get some of the chemistry back. It may be more a matter of allowing yourself to connect with the person, of your making yourself vulnerable and asking for what you want.

As we talked in our sessions, Dustin realized that most of the time, in fact, he was not really bored with Michelle but irritated. He was angry that she was not giving him what he needed. Of course, Dustin was not
telling
Michelle what he needed. This is a common pattern with Emotional Deprivation. You keep what you want a secret, then get angry when you do not get it. Keeping your needs secret is a way of surrendering to your lifetrap. You make sure that even though your partner is a warm person, your needs
still
will not get met. If you are with a loving partner, tell the person what you need. Allow your partner to take care of you, protect you, and understand you.

We realize that this can be frightening. It means making yourself
vulnerable
to your partner. You have become very invested in doing the opposite, keeping yourself invulnerable to protect yourself from disappointment. As a child you had a good reason for this. You have probably had good reason to keep up this wall in many relationships since childhood. But ask yourself, „This time, is it different? Can I trust this person?“ If the answer is „yes,“ perhaps you should take a chance.

6. Stop Blaming Your Partner and Demanding That Your Needs Be Met.
As Dustin said: „My anger builds. I get to the point that
all
I feel is resentment, and all I’m doing is telling Michelle off.“ Do not harbor resentment. Express your needs directly to your partner. When you are angry, tell your partner how you feel. Do it calmly, without blame. Below the anger is a feeling of hurt, of vulnerability. Share that with your partner. If you show only the angry, demanding surface, you will drive your partner away and make it less likely that he or she can meet your needs. Becoming angry and demanding is self-defeating. It rarely works. You almost
never
end up feeling better—things just get worse and worse.

Much of what we are saying comes down to communication. If you want a relationship to work, you have to be willing to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your partner. You have to share yourself. You have to connect.

It is not easy to change. As we have said before, it is in your hands. To a large extent, how much you change is a function of how hard you work and persist. Your Emotional Deprivation lifetrap will not fall away suddenly. It is a matter of slowly chipping away at the lifetrap—of countering the lifetrap each time it is triggered. You must throw your whole being against the lifetrap—your thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

It is sad that the more you were damaged as a child, the harder you will have to work. This is one more unfairness in the string of unfairnesses against you. If you were seriously damaged as a child, you may need professional help. The last chapter in this book tells you how to begin to find the help you need.

It took a long time for Jed to begin to change in therapy. He had a great deal of difficulty making himself
vulnerable
to the people in his life and to us. His stance had always been that he would rather lose everything than take that risk. The armor that protected him best in childhood as an adult had become his enemy, sealing him off from connection and intimacy.

Jed could easily access his anger about his past, but it was very difficult for him to feel the pain. He felt anger rather than pain, and anger was what he expressed. Jed never saw himself as responsible for
creating
relationships. He always focused on how the other person was disappointing
him,
how the other person was letting him down.

At first this was the theme of therapy. We discussed how we were letting him down, we were not helping him, how there must be other kinds of therapy that are better. But something kept him in therapy. At some level he knew that, if he left, he would just move on to another empty, short-lived relationship. He started to express the pain of his loneliness.

JED: I was having a cup of coffee in a sidewalk cafe, and this couple walked by. The man had his arm around the woman and was looking at her. It’s hard to describe, but all of a sudden I remembered a time my mother picked me up and hugged me, and I felt like crying.

Jed began to share his vulnerability and pain with others. Recently, for the first time, he passed the six-month mark in a romantic relationship. He is engaged to marry a woman named Nicole.

Elizabeth left her husband Josh in the course of our therapy. Although we did not attempt to sway her decision, we supported her in this. We believe a person should leave a hopelessly unsatisfying relationship. Elizabeth tried very hard for a long time to improve the relationship with Josh, but to no avail. If she stayed, she would probably have remained frustrated and dissatisfied for the rest of her life. Josh did not love her enough to change.

Once divorced, Elizabeth immediately repeated the pattern twice more, with two other cold, ungiving men. „It’s almost as though I had to live the pattern again in order to recognize it,“ she said. She still finds herself attracted to narcissistic men but now she resists them. Recently Elizabeth has become involved with Mark. It is the first time in a relationship with a man that she not only gives love, but gets love in return. As she says: „I let Mark take care of me. I guess it seems funny that I would have to learn how to
take,
but that’s exactly what’s happening. I’m learning how to take.“

Dustin stayed with Michelle. They got married and have a child. He described his life in one of our last sessions:

DUSTIN: I still have times when I feel discontent, like it isn’t enough. But more of the time I feel connected. It’s like I look up, and Michelle and the baby are there, and I suddenly remember that I’m not alone anymore.

DEBRA: TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OLD. SHE FEELS ANXIOUS AND INFERIOR IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS.

In our first session, Debra tells us that she is unhappy with her social life. Ever since college ended, she has had trouble meeting people.

DEBRA: I haven’t had a date in seven months. I haven’t really met anybody who wants to date me.

THERAPIST: Where do you usually meet people?

DEBRA: That’s part of the problem. I really hate going to a lot of the places to meet people. I’m really shy. I can’t talk to people. I don’t expect them to like me.

It surprises us that Debra feels this way, because we find her very personable. Once again we are reminded that a person is not necessarily the same with us as they are in social situations. People can be infinitely more shy and awkward in a group.

As we explore further, it turns out that Debra avoids most social situations: „They make me too anxious.“ When she is so anxious, she „can’t think of what to say“ and says „stupid things.“ She considers herself unattractive and does not expect men to be sexually attracted to her. (Once again we are surprised, because Debra is quite pretty.)

With tears springing to her eyes, Debra tells us that sometimes she feels „like a failure in adult socializing.“

ADAM: THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD. HE HAS PROBLEMS WITH LONELINESS.

From the beginning we sense a quality of apartness in Adam. He seems to hold himself back, to stay detached. He is less able than Debra to say what is wrong, but his problem, too, is loneliness.

Adam feels
different
from other people. „I don’t seem to fit in anywhere,“ he tells me. He has a few close friends he sees occasionally, but less frequently through the years.

ADAM: I am afraid I am going to end up entirely alone. I don’t really fit in with the people at work“ and my personal life is getting sparser and sparser. I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I’m always on the outside, looking in.

Adam is able to connect on an intimate level. In the past he has had intimate relationships with lovers and friends. However, he has stopped meeting people, and, aside from work, is not attached to any organization. Like Debra, he avoids most social and group situations.

This questionnaire will measure your Social Exclusion lifetrap. Answer the questions using the following scale:

SCORING KEY

1. Completely untrue of me
   
2. Mostly untrue of me
   
3. Slightly more true than untrue of me
   
4. Moderately true of me
   
5. Mostly true of me
   
6. Describes me perfectly
   

If you have any 5’s or 6’s on this questionnaire, this lifetrap may still apply to you, even if your score is in the low range.

INTERPRETING YOUR
SOCIAL EXCLUSION
SCORE

10-19 Very low. This lifetrap probably does
not
apply to you.

20-29 Fairly low. This lifetrap may only apply
occasionally
.

30-39 Moderate. This lifetrap is an
issue
in your life.

40-49 High. This is definitely an
important
lifetrap for you.

50-60 Very high. This is definitely one of your
core
lifetraps.

The primary feeling is loneliness. You feel excluded from the rest of the world because you feel either
undesirable
or
different.
These are the two types of social exclusion. Of course, they often come mixed together, and you may well have both.

Debra is the first type. She feels inferior in social situations, and consequently experiences a great deal of social
anxiety.

DEBRA: I was invited to a party last Saturday night, and I dreaded it all week. What is it with me? Other people look forward to a party, but all week I couldn’t get it off my mind. I couldn’t relax. I was always on the verge of tears.

THERAPIST: What were you imagining would happen?

DEBRA: Oh, you know, I would get there and be so nervous, and not know what to say. I would act like a jerk. And everyone would seem better than me, better looking or smarter or more successful, and I’d have nothing to offer.

And you know, that’s exactly what happened. The party was like a nightmare. I couldn’t wait to leave, and when I got home, I cried and cried.