Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (23 page)

You may feel a lot of romantic chemistry with many types of people. You may be drawn to people who are the
opposite
of you—who have the outward signs of belonging that you lack. Depending on what your particular Social Exclusion issues are, you may pursue partners who are goodlooking, high status, popular or part of the in-group, comfortable in social situations, or normal and conventional. In this way, you can feel as though you belong.

There are advantages and disadvantages to choosing a sociable partner. It might act as a force that keeps you socializing. Eventually you might learn to feel more comfortable and connected. On the other hand, there is a danger that you might become excessively dependent on such a partner to smooth the way for you in social situations. You may even become more shy than before, and rely totally on your partner to carry on conversations and to conduct social encounters. In this way selecting such a partner can reinforce your view of yourself as socially incompetent.

You might also feel attracted to other outsiders. You might feel a special bond with other socially excluded people. You can bolster one another in feeling different.

ADAM: My girlfriend Susan was an outcast also. She was this arty type who always wore black and painted these weird pictures. When we were together, we made fun of everyone else. We felt sorry for everyone else for being so pathetically and boringly normal.

This kind of partner can comfort you about feeling different and make you value your uniqueness more. Instead of feeling
alone
and different, you can feel
together
and different—that you are both better than people who are conventional.

People who feel different often band together in groups: the arty types, the nerds, the punks, the greasers. In unity there is strength. A group of outcasts can often elevate their status and feel quite superior and special. Cult groups display this phenomenon. The members consider themselves as having a secret, which only they possess. This fact puts them above outsiders.
They
are now the insiders, and the rest of the world are the ones left out.

However, some people with this lifetrap do not even feel part of a significant subculture. You may be alienated from all groups.

ADAM: I don’t fit in anywhere. I’m athletic, but I’m not a jock. But I’m not an intellectual either. I’m not a bohemian, but I’m not a yuppie. I’m tom between all these worlds, and I don’t really identify with any of them.

Even if you overcome your Social Exclusion in adulthood, you may at times still
feel
undesirable or different. The old feelings persist. You magnify the differences between yourself and others, making it hard for you to connect. These differences set up a barrier. As soon as you start to get close, you become highly sensitive to areas of dissimilarity.

The lifetrap can have a profound effect on your choice of career. You are probably drawn to activities that do not involve much meaningful social interplay. In fact, becoming good at some solitary activity that can be later turned into a career is often a side-benefit of the lifetrap. You might be an artist. You might be a scientist or a freelance writer. You might be a reporter. You might choose a job that involves a lot of travel, or allows you to work at home. Computers is a common field for people with this lifetrap. You might even start your own company, so that you can have relationships on your own terms. You do not have to worry about other people accepting you. But the last thing you are likely to choose is a job in which your upward mobility depends on having to make contacts and connections with other people. You are not the corporate type who works your way up the ladder through political expertise.

If you
do
work within a corporation or other organization, you probably feel inferior, or that you do not fit in. You may be excellent at your work, but your lifetrap holds you back.

DEBRA: I have the kind of work where I’m supposed to be entertaining clients, taking them out to dinner and for cocktails, but I avoid it. It’s really hurting me. I don’t keep my clients.

You might even present yourself as odd, eccentric, or aloof.

Escape is your primary means for coping with your lifetrap. It is the rock upon which your Social Exclusion is built. Your avoidance of social situations ensures that nothing can change for you. Your skills cannot improve. Your beliefs cannot be disconfirmed. You are more comfortable, but you are stuck. Changing requires a basic shift from a stance of Escape to one of confrontation and mastery. The people who overcome social exclusion are the ones who make this shift.

On the following page are the steps to overcoming social exclusion.

CHANGING SOCIAL EXCLUSION

1. Understand your childhood social exclusion. Feel the isolated or inferior child inside of you.
   
2. List everyday social situations in which you feel anxious or uncomfortable.
   
3. List group situations that you avoid.
   
4. List ways that you Counterattack or overcompensate, for feeling different or inferior.
   
5. Drawing on steps 1-4, above, list the qualities in yourself that make you feel alienated, vulnerable, or inferior.
   
6. If you are convinced that a flaw is real, write down steps you could take to overcome it. Follow through gradually with your plans of change.
   
7. Reevaluate the importance of flaws that you cannot change.
   
8. Make a flashcard for each flaw.
   
9. Make a hierarchy of social and work groups you have been avoiding. Gradually move up the hierarchy.
   
10. When you are in groups, make a concerted effort to initiate conversations.
    
11. Be yourself in groups.
    
12. Stop trying so hard to compensate for your perceived areas of undesirability.
    

1. Understand Your Childhood Social Exclusion. Feel the Isolated or Inferior Child Inside of You.
The first thing to do is to remember. Let the memories come of yourself as a child, feeling different or excluded by other children. When you have some time alone, darken the room and sit back in a comfortable place. Remember not to force the images. Just close your eyes and let them come. Remember when you felt different or inferior. You can start with an image of a
current
situation that triggers feelings of Social Exclusion.

Often the memories that come are of being laughed at, humiliated, teased, or bullied, or of being alone, apart from the others, not fitting in. Here is an illustration of Debra’s imagery. In one session she was telling us about another miserable party. We asked her to close her eyes and get an image of it.

DEBRA: I’m standing next to this guy, who’s talking to me. I’m so relieved that someone is talking to me, that I don’t have to stand there alone, but I’m so nervous I can’t talk to the guy. I’m talking really fast, and I know my eyes look really anxious. I just feel really pressured. He starts to look uncomfortable, and then he finishes the conversation and walks away.

I left right after that. I haven’t gone to a party since.

THERAPIST: Stay with it, and let an image come of when you felt the same way as a child.

DEBRA: Okay. I’m at my friend Gina’s house. There are a bunch of kids there. We’re picking sides for a game of kickball, and no one is picking me. I’m the last kid to be picked, and, when the team gets me, they all start to groan.

Adam’s images focused more on being on the outside of groups. One session he told us about a camping trip he took as a child. They swam in a waterfall.

ADAM: There were about five of us swimming right near the falls. At one point I dove into the falls and stood there, letting them fall right on top of me. I could see the other kids sort of blurry, and I could hear them muffled through the roar of the falls All of a sudden I felt so alone. I had the thought that it was always like this, with everyone coming at me from far away. And I’m watching, like through a window. Everyone else is out there playing and being normal with each other, and I’m outside looking in.

Memories of social exclusion are painful. We want you to comfort that excluded child. Imagine yourself as an adult, comforting the child you were. Social exclusion is a cold, lonely feeling. Do not leave your inner child in that cold place. Before you leave the image, bring yourself in as an adult, and give support to your inner child.

ADAM: I bring myself in, and I dive into the falls where my childhood self is standing, and I tell him that he is not alone anymore. I am here, and I will help him connect with other people.

2. List Everyday Social Situations in Which You Feel Anxious or Uncomfortable.
Write down the situations that make you uncomfortable, but which you do not avoid. Your list might include parties, meetings, eating in public, talking in front of a group, dating, talking to people in authority, being assertive, or having a conversation. Here is Debra’s list.

SOCIAL SITUATIONS
THAT MAKE ME ANXIOUS
BUT THAT I DO NOT ESCAPE FROM

1. Greeting my doorman.
   
2. Calling prospective clients.
   
3. Lunch at the cafeteria at work.
   
4. The coffee-hour at church.
   
5. Meetings with coworkers.
   
6. Talking to people I don’t know well.
   
7. Getting to know the people in my apartment building.
   

Now make two more columns on the chart. In the second column, for each situation, write down the ways you feel undesirable, different, or inferior. For example, for parties, Debra wrote, „not good-looking, bad conversationalist, look anxious.“ For meetings at work, she wrote, „say stupid things when put on the spot, can’t relax and chat before and after, don’t have the professional look of the others.“

Finally, in the last column, write down your worst-case scenario of what could go wrong. Let yourself get a vivid image. What is the catastrophe you fear? Will people laugh at you, or reject you? Will you be exposed as inferior? Or will you fail to fit in, again?

3. List Social Situations That You Avoid.
Here list the situations that you
avoid.
These are the activities that you would rather, and usually do, avoid. Here is Debra’s list.

SOCIAL SITUATIONS I AVOID

1. Most parties.
   
2. Taking clients out to dinner.
   
3. Dates.
   
4. Asking my boss for favors.
   
5. Inviting people I don’t know well to get together with me.
   
6. Going out after work with coworkers.
   
7. Giving presentations at work.
   

When you have completed your list, make two more columns and go through the same steps as in 3, for each situation. In the second column, write down the ways you feel different or inferior. In the last column, write your worst-case scenario.

4. List Ways That You Overcompensate for Feeling Different or Inferior.
These are the ways you try to prove that the
opposite
of the lifetrap is true. This is a form of Counterattack. You try to combat the lifetrap by doing everything possible to show that you are
not
different. You are
not
undesirable. Here is Adam’s list:

WAYS I OVERCOMPENSATE FOR FEELING DIFFERENT

1. I pretend to be like whoever I’m with, just to fit in. I keep my thoughts to myself.
   
2. I don’t let people see the strange parts of me (liking foreign films, my short stories, my family).
   
3. When I have a girlfriend, I don’t let my friends or family spend time with her. I try to keep my worlds separate.
   
4. I dress more conservatively than I would like to.
   
5. I try to impress people with how popular I am.
   
6. I try to have friends who are popular.
   

Similarly, you might overcompensate for feelings of inferiority by becoming inordinately focused on your appearance, or becoming successful in your career, or struggling to be in, or hiding your flaws.

Overcompensations like these are fragile. They easily collapse. We want you to build a more solid base. We want you to become open to experiencing social situations anew. You will find they can be quite different from the nightmare experiences of your childhood. Adults are generally more accepting of differences than children and adolescents. They are much less likely to humiliate or reject you.

5. Drawing on Steps 1-4, Above, List the Qualities in Yourself That Make You Feel Alienated, Vulnerable, or Inferior.
Take one sheet of paper for each quality. Make up a title for each sheet (e.g., „The Fat Child,“ „The Dumb Child“). Then, on each sheet do the following:

1. Define the quality in specific terms (e.g., fat = over 200 pounds).
   
2. List all the evidence in your
   adult
   life that
   substantiates
   your feeling that this is a real flaw.
   
3. List any evidence that
   refutes
   your feeling.
   
4. Ask friends and family for their opinions about how you fare on each quality.
   
5. Write a paragraph summarizing the
   objective
   evidence. How valid is your self-criticism?
   

The qualities Margaret listed included „not good-looking,“ „can’t carry on an interesting conversation at parties,“ „not successful enough,“ „anxious at social occasions,“ „I get flippant and say stupid things,“ and „I make a terrible first impression.“ Here is the sheet she drew up for „I make a terrible first impression.“

„I MAKE A TERRIBLE FIRST IMPRESSION“

1. Definition
   

People don’t like me when they first meet me.

1. Evidence in My Adult Life That This is a Real Flaw
   

I never meet guys at parties. People who don’t know me lose interest in talking to me fast at parties. I don’t do well at job interviews. People have made fun of the first impression I made on them (for example, Ellen, Bill). I have a lot of trouble meeting new people. People in my apartment building don’t seem to like me. They are much friendlier to other people.