Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (41 page)

When we first pointed out his subjugation to Carlton, he argued that he was not subjugated, he was simply easygoing. However, Carlton was
passive
more than easygoing. Easygoing people have
some
areas in which they have strong feelings, and will assert what they feel. In minor matters, they will not express opinions, but in major matters they usually will express themselves. They will stand up for certain things. In subjugation, there are almost no strong opinions across the board. Whether the issues are big or small—no matter what is at stake—in subjugation there is no strong sense of self. Unexpressed anger is another clue that you are subjugated rather than easygoing.

Because you lack a strong sense of self, of
who
you are, there is the danger that you might lose yourself in your subjugator. You can become so immersed in trying to meet the needs of other people that you begin to blend or merge into these people. The boundary between who you are and who they are becomes blurred. You might adopt other people’s goals and opinions as your own. You might adopt other people’s values. You might lose yourself in the other. There is a chance that you might subjugate yourself to a group, particularly a group with a charismatic leader. You might even find some attraction to cult groups.

In our work, we have identified two major reasons why subjugated patients allow other people to control them. The first is that they subjugate themselves out of guilt, or because they want to relieve the pain of others; and the second is that they subjugate because they anticipate rejection, retaliation, or abandonment. These reasons correspond to two types of subjugation.

TWO TYPES OF SUBJUGATION

1. Self-Sacrifice (subjugation out of guilt)
   
2. Submissiveness (subjugation out of fear)
   

Carlton subjugates himself out of guilt. He wants to gain
approval.
He wants everyone to
like
him. Gaining approval is his primary motivation. In addition, Carlton feels the pain of others very deeply. When he feels that another person is suffering, he is moved to take care of that person. He tries to meet other people’s needs. Whenever he believes he has failed, he feels guilty. He finds the experience of guilt very uncomfortable, and his selfsacrifice helps him avoid this guilt.

Mary Ellen, on the other hand, subjugates herself out of fear. She submits because she is afraid of being punished. This fear is certainly realistic: Dennis is cruel and domineering. However, one wonders what it is about Mary Ellen that caused her to flee from one subjugated relationship with her father into another one with her husband. In her marriage, Mary Ellen reenacts her childhood subjugation.

• Self-Sacrifice •

Self-sacrificers feel responsible for the well-being of others. As a child, you may have experienced too much responsibility for the physical or emotional welfare of a parent, sister, brother, or of some other close person. For example, you may have had a parent who was chronically ill or depressed. As an adult, you believe it is your responsibility to take care of others. In doing so, you neglect yourself.

Your self-sacrifice is a virtue that has become excessive. Taking care of others has many admirable qualities:

CARLTON: I may be self-sacrificing, but I do a lot of good. All my friends come to me to discuss their problems. When my mother is sick, it’s me she calls. I’m the one who takes her to the doctor, who gets her what she needs.

Plus, I volunteer at a men’s homeless shelter. I belong to Greenpeace and Amnesty International. People like me make the world a better place.

You are
empathic;
perhaps this is part of your innate temperament. You feel the pain of others and want to ease their pain. You try to fix things, to make everything better.

It is important to note that your subjugation is mostly
voluntary.
Whoever subjugated you as a child did not
force
you to do what he or she wanted. Rather, because they were in pain or especially weak, you felt that their needs took precedence over yours.

Although self-sacrificers are somewhat less angry than other subjugated types, you are bound to have some anger. The give-get ratio is out of balance in your life—you are giving much more than you are getting. Although the people you give to may not be to blame for taking more from you than they give back, you are almost certain to have
some
anger, even though you may not acknowledge any resentment.

Your lifetrap gets its strength primarily from the emotion of guilt. You feel
guilty
whenever you put yourself first. You feel guilty whenever you become angry about having to subjugate yourself. You feel guilty whenever you assert yourself. You feel guilty whenever you fail to alleviate pain. Guilt
drives
your subjugation lifetrap.

Whenever you step out of your subjugated role, you feel guilty. Each time you feel guilty, you revert back to self-sacrifice. Largely to relieve guilt, you subjugate yourself with renewed vigor and bury your anger one more time. You are going to have to learn to tolerate this guilt in order to change.

Carlton displays this pattern of anger and guilt in his relationship with his wife. He constantly tries to please her, yet, the more he tries, the more she seems to demand. Of course, her demands make him angry. But, whenever Carlton feels angry, he immediately feels guilty and tries to please his wife twice as hard. In this way, he alternates between anger at his wife and guilt about his anger.

• Submissiveness •

Submission is the second form of the Subjugation lifetrap. You submit to the subjugation process
involuntarily.
Whether you actually have a choice or not, you
feel
as though you have no choice. As a child, you subjugated yourself in order to avoid punishment or abandonment, probably by a parent. Your parent threatened to hurt you or to withdraw love or attention. There was
coercion
in the subjugation process. You are almost always angry, even if you do not recognize your anger.

Mary Ellen is the submissive type of subjugator. Throughout her childhood and adolescence, Mary Ellen’s father was strict.

MARY ELLEN: When I left the house, he had to know where I was going. When I got back, he had to know where I’d been. He didn’t let me date until I was seventeen, much later than everyone else. I was not allowed to wear makeup or tight clothes. I wasn’t allowed out on weeknights, and had to be home early on weekends. It was a drag.

THERAPIST: What happened when you disobeyed?

MARY ELLEN: He grounded me, or yelled. Sometimes he hit me. I hated him.

She felt that her house was a prison. Outwardly, she obeyed her father because she was afraid. Inwardly, she was filled with rage.

If you have this type of subjugation, you have a false belief: you attribute more power to the people who currently subjugate you than they actually have. Whoever subjugates you now—a husband, wife, or parent—in truth has little power over you. You have the power to end your subjugation. There may be exceptions, such as your boss, but even there you have more control than you think. You may have to be willing to leave the person, but, one way or another, your subjugation
can
end. You do not have to stay with someone who is dominating or abusing you.

At one time, your subjugation really was involuntary: as a child. In relation to the adults who subjugated you, you were dependent and helpless. A child cannot withstand the threat of punishment or abandonment. Your subjugation was adaptive. But as an adult, you are no longer dependent and helpless. As an adult, you have a choice. This is something you must realize before you can begin to change.

Although you probably have an easygoing manner, many strong feelings press upon you. Anger in particular builds up from having to surrender your own needs to the needs of others, time after time. When your needs constantly are frustrated, anger is inevitable. You might feel that you are being used or controlled, or that people are taking advantage of you, or you might feel that your needs do not count.

Although you may be chronically angry, you are probably only dimly aware of your anger. You probably would not use the word
angry
to describe yourself.

CARLTON: I was a little annoyed that Erica insisted I pick her up on the way to dinner. I had to go so far out of my way, and she was right near the train.

You believe that it is dangerous and wrong to express your anger to others, so you deny and suppress these feelings.

You may be surprised to hear this, but anger is a vital part of healthy relationships. It is a signal that something is wrong—that the other person may be doing something unfair. Ideally, anger motivates us to become more assertive and correct the situation. When anger produces this effect, it is adaptive and helpful. However, since you typically hold back your anger and refrain from self-assertion, you ignore your body’s natural signals and fail to correct situations.

Often, you are unaware of the ways in which you express your anger to others. You might blow up at some seemingly minor incident in a manner that is markedly disproportionate. Mary Ellen, whose usual manner is one of quiet passivity, suddenly became enraged when her daughter, Kathy, was ten minutes late for dinner. She unleashed an angry outburst that surprised her and her daughter equally.

MARY ELLEN: I was standing by the door when Kathy walked in. All of a sudden, I started yelling at her. I had never yelled at her like that before. I couldn’t believe it. She looked at me like she was shocked, and then she started to cry. I rushed over to her and told her I was sorry. I remember thinking then that I really needed to go into therapy.

It is not unusual for such sudden, strong outbursts of anger to surprise the subjugated person as much as the recipient. This type of pent-up anger almost always seems excessive in light of the circumstance that set it off.

Although there may be times when you display your anger directly, it is more common for you to express it
indirectly,
in a disguised fashion—
passive-aggressively.
You get back at people in subtle ways, like procrastinating, being late, or talking about them behind their backs. You may do this unknowingly. When pressed, you deny that you meant to express anger. For example, when she had that angry outburst at her daughter, Mary Ellen was, on more careful analysis, actually mad at her boss.

THERAPIST: Why did you get so angry at Kathy right then?

MARY ELLEN: It was just that I had gotten home late from work, andlwas rushing to get dinner ready before Dennis got home, and Kathy was supposed to help me and she was late. I was in a really bad mood when I got home from work. My boss made me stay late again.

It turned out that Mary Ellen’s boss was requiring her to work excessively long hours. She never expressed anger directly toward her boss, nor did she assert herself appropriately. Instead, she was chronically late for work and chronically missed work deadlines. In this manner she got revenge on her boss, but indirectly. Her boss could not be sure about what was happening, that the lateness was hostile.

Passive-aggressive behaviors—procrastinating, talking behind other people’s backs, agreeing to do something and not following through, making excuses—all share the feature that they irritate other people, but it is difficult for other people to know whether the passive-aggressive person
intends
the irritation.

Whether through therapy or for other reasons, subjugated people sometimes begin to become more assertive. When this happens, they often experience intense guilt. It is part of the subjugation lifetrap for you to believe it is somehow
wrong
for you to express your needs. It is best for you to learn to tolerate the guilt and continue the assertiveness nevertheless. Until you become more assertive, anger will continue to be a significant problem for you, even if you are not always aware of its harmful consequences.

Subjugated people are generally most comfortable in a passive role. However, some people with Subjugation lifetraps learned to cope through Counterattack. Instead of submitting, they take on the
opposite
role. They become aggressive and domineering. By
rebelling
, they overcompensate for their feelings of subjugation.

Unlike Carlton and Mary Ellen, rebels tend to act as though only they are important and only they have needs. If you fit here, you deal with subjugation issues by adopting the role of someone who is aggressive, defiant, and self-centered. You rebel Even so, inside you
feel
the same as other subjugated people: that you are less important and that other people are actually in control. Your aggression is just a mask, and you wear it with a sense of falseness. You feel driven to extremes of assertiveness. You might even seem insolent. People may accuse you of being bossy and overly controlling. Underneath your bravado exterior, you actually feel intimidated by other people.

Anger is close to the surface with rebels. In fact, you may be irritable much of the time, and you are probably prone to angry outbursts. As a child or teenager, you responded to attempts by your parents to subjugate you by becoming disobedient and unruly. You may have had temper tantrums or have been a behavior problem at school. You probably
still
have problems with authority figures. You tend to lose your poise too easily and to express your anger inappropriately. You constantly
battle
authority: you have great difficulty tolerating anything you perceive as external control—any suggestion, order, pressure, or command.

Rebels typically have lifelong battles with their parents. They never seem to leave these conflicts behind and settle into an adult role. In some ways, they remain rebellious adolescents, pursuing career interests or relationships that are the
opposite
of what their parents have wanted for them.