Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (43 page)

You have the strongest feelings of attraction and attachment to partners who trigger your lifetrap. These relationships become intense for you because they unlock the emotions of your childhood subjugation. Again and again, you turn relationships into reenactments of your childhood subjugation. Even if you are the rebel type and have selected a passive partner to dominate and control, the process is still one of subjugation.

One common pattern among subjugated people who are submissive is to seek out relationships with aggressive, dominant figures—with leaders. In your passivity you require a strong figure. You need someone to tell you what to do and how to feel about things. You may become dependent on others to make decisions for you. This is what happened to Shannon, whose mother made all her decisions for her. She was always „the good girl,“ exactly the daughter her parents wanted: she was polite and obedient, did well at school, and was the perfect daughter. Shannon married just the kind of man her parents wanted. Now she is the perfect wife.

SHANNON: I guess I’m not really that happy about everything, but Anthony gets mad if I say anything. He gets really annoyed.

THERAPIST: What is so bad about Anthony getting mad at you?

SHANNON: Oh, the thought of him getting mad really scares me. What if he decided he didn’t want to be with me anymore?

Shannon feels totally dependent upon her husband. She feels anxious if they are apart even for a few hours. She does everything right to avoid his anger. What she fears most is that in his anger he might abandon her; she feels certain that she could never survive on her own. She subjugates herself totally. Her dependence maintains her subjugation, and her subjugation maintains her dependence.

If you are self-sacrificing, you may be drawn to needy and dependent partners. You rush to fill their needs. You might try to save or rescue them. Sometimes subjugated people choose narcissistic partners, who are demanding but give little in return, and who really do not care about others’ feelings. You are comfortable in the role of the one who is giving all the time. If you are a rebel, you might pick someone who is even more subjugated than you, so you can be the one in control.

SUBJUGATION LIFETRAPS

1. You let other people have their own way most of the time.
   
2. You are too eager to please—you will do almost anything to be liked or accepted.
   
3. You do not like to disagree openly with other people’s opinions.
   
4. You are more comfortable when other people are in positions of control.
   
5. You will do almost anything to avoid confrontation or anger. You always accommodate.
   
6. You do not know what you want or prefer in many situations.
   
7. You are not clear about your career decisions.
   
8. You always end up taking care of everyone else—almost no one listens to or takes care of you.
   
9. You are rebellious—you automatically say „no“ when other people tell you what to do.
   
10. You cannot stand to say or do anything that hurts other people’s feelings.
    
11. You often stay in situations where you feel trapped or where your needs are not met.
    
12. You do not want other people to see you as selfish so you go to the other extreme.
    
13. You often sacrifice yourself for the sake of other people.
    
14. You often take on more than your share of responsibilities at home and/or at work.
    
15. When other people are troubled or in pain, you try very hard to make them feel better, even at your own expense.
    
16. You often feel angry at other people for telling you what to do.
    
17. You often feel cheated—that you are giving more than you are getting back.
    
18. You feel guilty when you ask for what
    you
    want.
    
19. You do not stand up for your rights.
    
20. You resist doing what other people want you to do in an indirect way. You procrastinate, make mistakes, and make excuses.
    
21. You cannot get along with authority figures.
    
22. You cannot ask for promotions or raises at work.
    
23. You feel that you lack integrity—you accommodate too much.
    
24. People tell you that you are not aggressive or ambitious enough.
    
25. You play down your accomplishments.
    
26. You have trouble being strong in negotiations.
    

These are pitfalls for you to avoid in love and work. Even if you find a partner who wants a relationship based on equality, you may still find ways to reinforce your lifetrap. And even if you have a job that offers you the opportunity to become a major participant, you can twist it until it conforms to your subjugated role.

Whatever relationship you form, you are bound to have anger simmering below the surface. The build-up of anger is something that threatens the stability of subjugated relationships. Early in relationships, you suppress anger and avoid conflict. This helps keep the relationship intact, but it is hard to keep up. After a period of years, your anger may build up to such a point that you rebel, completely upsetting the balance of the relationship, or you may withdraw or retaliate. Often there are sexual difficulties. In addition, as the years pass, you may grow and develop a stronger sense of identity. If you become more assertive and no longer willing to stay in a subjugated relationship, your relationship must either change to adapt to your greater maturity or it must end.

Since the Subjugation lifetrap can have such a powerful effect upon your life at work, we will spend some time discussing this aspect.

Subjugated people often work in one of the helping professions, particularly if they are self-sacrificing. You may be a doctor, nurse, homemaker, teacher, minister, therapist, or other kind of healer. It is natural that you would gravitate toward a career of service to others; the Subjugation lifetrap takes a lot away from you, but one of its gifts is acute sensitivity to the needs and pain of others. In all likelihood, you are in a profession that exploits your ability to be there for others.

Although you probably shun the limelight, it is possible that you are the right hand of a more powerful person to whom you are devoted and who finds you very useful. In many ways, you are just the type of person a boss wants to hire. You are obedient, loyal, and demand little. It is probably a rare event for you to ask for a raise. You try hard to please everyone, especially your superiors, and you have trouble setting limits on the amount of sacrifice you will make. Here is an example from one of Carlton and Erica’s marital sessions.

ERICA: Another thing I’m mad about is that Carlton won’t take a vacation with me. He won’t ask his father for the time. We haven’t gone on a vacation together in six years!

CARLTON: You just don’t understand. They need me too much at the office. I know Dad would be disappointed. I just can’t let him down that way.

Although Carlton wants a vacation and feels torn that he cannot spend more time with his family, his work is always a higher priority than his own desires.

You might be too much of a yes person. You might agree with your boss or coworkers just to please them, rather than because you think they are right. Helen is this way.

Helen: Thirty-four ye
a
rs old. Her subjug
a
tion prevents HER FROM FULFILLING HER POTENTIAL AT WORK.

Helen has a middle-management position in a large corporation. She did extremely well in business school, but has not advanced as quickly in the business world as her peers.

Helen tends to say what people at work want to hear, rather than what she views as the truth, especially when she deals with authority figures. She refrains from making suggestions or disagreeing, even when she has something important to offer. Many of her valuable opinions and ideas remain hidden because she is silent when she should speak.

When her superiors ask her about the status of her projects, she presents an overly optimistic view of things because she wants to please them. She also accepts too much work. It is not surprising that she keeps winding up in the position of being unable to deliver what she has promised.

Unlike Helen, who has strong opinions but does not express them aloud, many subjugated people feel that they lack strong opinions about work-related issues. When asked to comment on issues, they feel confused about where they stand. Shannon, who has both the Dependence and Subjugation lifetraps, is this way. Rather than thinking for herself, she simply conforms to whatever the group seems to want. Although she is a hard worker, her work does not bear the stamp of her individuality.

SHANNON: I was a mess the other day at work. I had to decide whether to include these certain figures in my report to the Safety committee, and my boss was out for the day. I almost had a panic attack.

THERAPIST: How did you go about making the decision?

SHANNON: I went around to everyone I could find and got advice. It made me crazy, really. I would talk to one person, and they would make sense, but the next person would say something completely different, and they would make sense too.

THERAPIST: It sounds like the whole process just left you more confused.

Shannon lacks a clear sense of her identity as a professional in her company. This detracts from the quality of her work. She is resentful that other people in her company who work less have risen faster on the promotional ladder.

You probably are too passive at work, and this damages your chances for advancement. You lack the initiative and ambition it takes to get ahead. You avoid leadership roles that require you to take independent action. You are most comfortable with an authority figure to direct and guide you.

K
a
therine: Thirty ye
a
rs old. She did well in school,
BUT CANNOT FUNCTION INDEPENDENTLY IN THE WORKPLACE.

Katherine is a lawyer working in a small firm. She had an excellent record as a student in law school, where she was closely tied to the professor who served as her mentor. Once she left school, she began to have problems. Her job demanded more autonomy and self-direction than she was able to supply.

KATHERINE: I know I’m supposed to take on my own cases, but I find myself avoiding it. I really better get it together. I’m under so much pressure to produce.

Accustomed as she is to the passivity of subjugation, Katherine is uncomfortable with her newfound independence.

Eliz
a
beth: Twenty-eight ye
a
rs old, undersells herself
a
t WORK.

Elizabeth illustrates another characteristic of subjugation that can hurt your chances to get ahead. She works for an advertising agency as part of a team of six people that creates proposals for advertising campaigns. She is very bright and imaginative. However, she has the marked tendency to play down her importance.

ELIZABETH: I work hard. I contribute a lot to the team. But I’m not confident enough. I don’t like being the center of attention. Like the other day, when Greg took credit for my cake mix idea, I had trouble speaking up, setting the record straight.

THERAPIST: I thought you were going to present your cake mix idea.

ELIZABETH: At the last minute, I let Greg do it. And he ended up taking the credit.

Furthermore, Elizabeth is not a strong negotiator; she backs down too easily. She even has assertiveness problems with subordinates because she tries too hard to please them and has difficulty exerting the proper authority. She praises their work when it is not up to par and allows them too many liberties. She does tedious work herself that she should delegate. When her subordinates make unreasonable requests, she finds it hard to say „no.“ Naturally, people take advantage of the situation.

It is inevitable that you will become angry about your subjugation at work. But you rarely express your anger directly. You keep your anger bottled up inside. By suppressing it, you increase rather than decrease your anger, and make it more likely that you will express your anger in selfdefeating ways.

You might find that you restrain your anger for long periods, then suddenly erupt in what is usually an inappropriate expression of anger. Perhaps you have difficulty setting limits on the amount of work you accept from your boss. You might simmer with anger below the surface for a while, and then have an angry outburst at a meeting, or be overly aggressive in your dealings with a client or subordinate. Such behavior is unprofessional and damages your image.

However, the most likely scenario is that you express your anger passive-aggressively. This is what Carlton does.

CARLTON: My father makes way too many demands on me. He takes advantage of my willingness to go the extra mile.

THERAPIST: Do you ever tell your father that the work is too much?

CARLTON: No. He should know. To his face I say it’s just fine, but he should know from the way that I say it that I don’t mean it.

Carlton causes trouble in hidden ways. He acts out his anger rather than expressing it directly. He walks through the office with a sullen expression on his face. He complains to the other employees behind his father’s back and encourages others to complain. He procrastinates, and then apologizes or makes excuses for not having his work done.

Rebels display the
opposite
pattern: they are domineering and controlling.

Timothy: Forty-three ye
a
rs old. He is servile to his
BOSS, BUT ACTS LIKE A BULLY WITH HIS SUBORDINATES.

You might subjugate yourself to some people at work, and then take it out on others. Timothy does this. He manages the men’s clothing department of a large store. He subjugates himself to the general manager, trying ceaselessly to gain this manager’s approval, but to no avail.