Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (45 page)

Whatever the other person does, calmly keep restating your position. If the person attacks you,
do not get defensive.
Do not get lost in defending yourself. Stick to your point. For example, here is part of a role-play we did with Mary Ellen so she could practice confronting Dorothy about the carpool. We played the part of Dorothy.

MARY ELLEN: Dorothy, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. I have been feeling angry about the whole carpool situation. For the past five Tuesdays, you’ve asked me to drive for you. It really is too hard for me to drive twice a week.

THERAPIST (playing Dorothy): I can’t believe you’re being so petty as to bring this up!

MARY ELLEN: Call me petty if you like, Dorothy, but it is really too hard for me to drive twice a week.

Be direct. Do not make a speech. You have a much greater chance of being heard if what you say is short and to the point. Use the word „I“ and speak in terms of your own feelings. (Interestingly, many subjugated people avoid the word „I“ whenever they talk about their feelings. Instead of saying,
„I
felt angry when you cut me off,“ they say such things as
„People
feel angry when they are cut off that way.“) Speaking in terms of your own feelings is an important component of assertiveness. This is, in part, a practical matter. No one can argue with your feelings. If you say, „I was right, you were wrong,“ a person can argue; but if you say, „I felt angry when you did that,“ no one can argue. No one can say, „No, you didn’t feel angry.“ By expressing what you feel, you make a statement that how you feel
matters.

Take at least a week to complete a hierarchy item. Do each item again and again, until you have mastered that level of difficulty. If the item can only be done once, substitute other items at the same level of difficulty from elsewhere in your life.

To help the exercises generalize into all the areas of your life, begin to behave assertively in a more spontaneous way, as relevant situations arise. Try to regard each situation that calls for assertive behavior as a cue for you to practice refining your assertiveness skills.

6. Practice Asking Other People to Take Care of You. Ask for Help. Discuss Your Problems. Try to Achieve a Balance Between What You Give and Get.
Ask people to give you more. Talk about yourself. Many subjugated patients tell us that when they talk about themselves for „too long,“ they start to get anxious, and they switch back to the other person. When you feel anxious in this way, understand that it is
okay
to talk about yourself. It is
okay
to talk about your problems and ask for help. You will find that it brings you closer to people. And if there are people who simply do not want to listen, then it is time to reevaluate their importance in your life.

7. Pull Back from Relationships with People Who Are Too Self-Centered or Selfish to Take Your Needs Into Account. Avoid One-Sided Relationships. Change or Get Out of Relationships Where You Feel Trapped.
When we first started as therapists, our tendency was to try to preserve every relationship in the patient’s life. If the patient was married, our impulse was to try to preserve the marriage. If the patient was having a love affair, our impulse was to try to preserve the affair. But we no longer feel that relationships should be preserved at all costs. Some relationships are simply too damaging, and have too few prospects for change.

There will be some people in your life who will refuse to adjust to your attempt to balance the relationship. If you are married or if they are part of your family, you can give them every opportunity to change. But if, in the final analysis, they will not change, then you have to pull back from the relationship. You may even have to end it.

Carlton’s marriage survived. As he became more assertive, Erica at first fought it tooth and nail. But at some level she also welcomed it. In her heart she was glad to have him become stronger. And at some level it was a relief for her to have limits set on her demandingness. She felt more secure, more contained.

However, Mary Ellen’s marriage did not survive. Dennis could not accept her growth. He was too invested in being the one in control. Eventually Mary Ellen left him. She is working and putting herself through school. She is starting to date other men.

8. Practice Confronting People Instead of Accommodating So Much. Express Your Anger Appropriately, as Soon as You Feel It. Learn to Feel More Comfortable When Someone Is Upset, Hurt, or Angry at You.
You must learn to express your anger appropriately and constructively. Instead of continuing to let your anger control you, you must learn to use your anger to improve the relationships in your life.

There are guidelines for you to follow. The basic principle is:
Whatever the other person does, keep calmly restating your position.
Do not let the other person trick you into becoming defensive. Stick to your point.

Stay calm. Do not yell and scream. You are much more powerful when you are calm than when you are screaming. Screaming is a sign of psychological defeat. Try not to attack the person. Simply state what they have
done
that has upset you.

If you have a basically good relationship but want to say something negative or critical to a person, start by saying something positive. Try to instill an attitude in the person of openness to what you are about to say. People can only listen when they are in a receptive state. If you make people angry, they will become defensive and shut you off. Starting on a positive note enhances the receptivity of the listener.

For example, Carlton began one of his more difficult items („Tell Erica not to reprimand me in front of other people“) with the statement, „Erica, I know you love me.“ Say something that is positive and true; do not just make something up. Next, direct your criticism not at the person, but at the person’s
behavior.
Carlton did not tell Erica, „You are an insensitive person.“ Rather he told her that there is something she does that he wishes she would stop: „You criticize me at times in front of other people.“ It is important to request specific behavior change. The person is more likely to comply when you have given a clear description of the specific behavior change you would like to see. Finally, end on a positive note. Carlton concluded his request by saying, „I really appreciate that you were able to stand here and listen to me.“

Use good timing. Do not choose a time in which either of you is in a highly emotional state. Wait until the matter can be discussed in a calm atmosphere. In addition, be assertive not only in your words, but in your body language and tone of voice. Look the person directly in the eyes. If it will help you, practice assertiveness exercises in front of the mirror before you try them out in the world.

9. Do Not Rationalize Your Tendency to Please Others So Much. Stop Telling Yourself That It Doesn’t Really Matter.
It is time for you to express your preferences in relationships with other people. Try to do this at every opportunity. Begin with seemingly trivial matters and progress to more important ones.

CARLTON: This may sound strange, but I really believe that the moment I started to change in therapy was one night when Erica asked me what I wanted for dinner, steak or hamburger. I started to tell her that I didn’t really care, and I stopped. And I picked steak.

Weigh the positives and negatives to decide which you prefer. Make a choice and communicate that choice.

10. Review Past Relationships and Clarify Your Pattern of Choosing Controlling or Needy Partners. List the Danger Signals for You to Avoid. If Possible
,
Avoid Selfish or Irresponsible Partners Who Generate Very High Chemistry for You.
Make a list of the most important relationships in your life. What are the common patterns? What are the danger signals for you to avoid? Are you drawn to domineering partners? Do you melt into the lives of your partners so that you have no separate sense of self? Are you drawn to people who bully you with threats, or guilt-trip you? Or are you drawn to helpless, dependent people who need you to take care of them?

The patterns you identify are the ones for you to avoid. We know this will be hard for you because you tend to be most attracted to exactly these types of partners. The chemistry is high, but you cannot sustain these relationships. The cost to you is too great. In the long run, you become angry and unhappy. It is better to choose relationships in which you have equality, even if the chemistry is slightly lower.

11. When You Find a Partner Who Cares About Your Needs
,
Asks Your Opinions and Values Them
,
and Who Is Strong Enough to Do 50 Percent of the Work
,
Give the Relationship a Chance.
If you find yourself in a good relationship with a partner who believes in equality, give the relationship a chance to work. Do this even though it feels strange to you. Subjugated people frequently give up too soon on good relationships, claiming they just are not interested, the relationship does not feel right, something is missing, or there is not enough chemistry. As long as you feel
some
chemistry—even a moderate amount—give the relationship a chance. As you become more accustomed to your new role, the chemistry might increase.

12. Be More Aggressive at Work. Take Credit for What You Do. Do Not Let Other People Take Advantage of You. Ask for Any Promotions or Raises You Might Be Entitled To. Delegate Responsibilities to Other People.
Apply all your assertiveness techniques at work. Correct situations where you subjugate yourself. Are you indirect with your boss and then passive-aggressive later? Do you sacrifice your interests to those of your subordinates? Do you let coworkers and adversaries walk all over you? Correct these situations. It may be scary at first, but you will find that it feels good to be assertive, and this will motivate you to continue. Do not become overly aggressive, but get your fair share.

13. (To the Rebel:) Try to Resist Doing the Opposite of What Others Tell You to Do. Try to Figure Out What You Want, and Do It Even If It Is Consistent with What Authority Figures Tell You.
For those of you who are rebels, liberate yourself from outside influence—from those you rebel against. Look to yourself for your opinions and direction. You do not know yourself any better than other subjugated people, and you are not any freer. As long as your decisions are dictated by other people, you are as oppressed—and as angry. Give yourself the freedom to
agree
with authority figures.

Follow all the other steps of change. You, too, need to learn to become more assertive, rather than overly aggressive. Try to even out the give-get ratio in your life, so you are giving as much as you are getting.

14. Make Flashcards. Use Them to Keep You on Track.
When you find that you are having trouble, use flashcards. A flashcard can remind you of your right to be assertive. Here is an example of a flashcard written by Carlton. The subject was refusing unreasonable requests.

A SELF-SACRIFICE FLASHCARD

I have the right to say „no” when people ask me to do unreasonable things. If I say „yes,” I will only get angry at the other person and at myself. I can live with the guilt of saying „no.” Even if I cause the other person a little pain, it will only be temporary. People will respect me if I say „no” to them. And I will respect myself.

And here is one written by Mary Ellen, about her relationship with Dennis.

A SUBMISSION FLASHCARD

What I want is important. I deserve to be treated with respect. I don’t have to let Dennis treat me badly. I deserve better than that. I can stand up for myself. I can calmly demand that he treat me with respect or the discussion is over. If he can’t grow enough to give me my equal rights in this relationship, then I can leave the relationship and find one that better suits my needs.

Carry the flashcard with you. When your lifetrap is triggered, and it is time for you to be assertive, take out the card and read it. Flashcards are valuable in making the slow transition from intellectual understanding to emotional acceptance.

As you work to change, it is important to give some recognition to each bit of progress. Give yourself credit where it is due. Change is much harder when you forget to reward yourself for the steps along the way. Try to keep looking back at how far you have come, rather than looking forward to how far you have to go. When you make any change, no matter how slight, take a moment to feel good about it. As you take a step out of your subjugation, give yourself the acknowledgment you deserve.

Remember that your Subjugation lifetrap has the strength of a lifetime of memories and of a multitude of repetitions and confirmations that it is right. Subjugation
feels
right to you. Your lifetrap is central to your entire self-image and view of the world. Naturally, it is going to fight very hard for survival. You find comfort and reassurance in holding onto your lifetrap, regardless of its negative consequences for your life. You should not become discouraged because change is slow.

It is tempting to berate yourself for your subjugation. Mary Ellen says, „I am such a wimp. It makes me hate myself.“ But this attitude can only hinder your efforts to change. Try to respect the reasons your lifetrap developed in the first place. In your childhood, it was essential for your emotional survival. But what was once a help to you is now hurting you, and it is time to give it up. It is time for you to begin the slow journey out of self-denial and self-defeat, and to reclaim your life for yourself.

Pamela:
Forty years old. She is stressed by the need TO BE PERFECT IN BOTH HER PRIVATE AND PROFESSIONAL LIVES.