Relative Happiness (13 page)

She looked at Lexie and frowned. “What?”

Lexie flicked her wrist in the air. “Oh, nothing. Forget I said that. What exactly are you telling me?”

“I want you to forget what I said the other day.”

She groaned, “You've got to be joking.”

Her mother didn't answer.

Lexie was suddenly furious. “Now you want me not to know what I know. If you didn't want me to know it, why didn't you go to your minister and spill the beans after choir practice?”

Mom shouted, “I wish to God I had. I'm sorry Lexie. That's why I haven't pestered you on your stupid answering machine for the last two weeks. I feel badly I burdened you with this. I didn't mean it. I had nowhere else to go.” She paused. “And I'm not proud of this. I'm not proud at all, but maybe I just wanted you to know your precious father…” She stopped.

“My precious father what?”

She looked at Lexie with tear filled eyes, but she was angry. “He's a man, an ordinary man. He's not a saint; he's not always the good guy and I'm always the bad guy. He's your father and I know you adore him. That will never change. He adores you too. He didn't do this to hurt you, he didn't even do it to hurt me. It happened.”

She took a deep breath. “But the fact is, I am hurt. I'm ashamed and humiliated. And no doubt everyone in this damn town knows about it. But you know what? I won't give them the satisfaction of knowing how hurt I am. I'm the injured party. I'll hold my head up and let them think I know nothing about it. I refuse to have a screaming match with your father, throw his things on the lawn or run over to Lillian's house and pull her hair.”

She stared out the window again. “I'll not leave my wonderful house, my beautiful garden, and the life I've made for myself. If I can't be everything to your father, that's my hurt. But it's a private hurt. It's between a husband and wife.”

She gave Lexie a sad smile. “It's not for our children to agonize over. It's not something you should try and fix. It's between two people who loved each other and still do, but not in quite the same way. It's something I have to sort out for myself. It's not meant as fodder for the gossips at the tea and sale.”

She suddenly covered her face with her hands.

“Oh Mom.” Lexie ran to her and wrapped her arms around her. Her mother pressed her face into her neck. She whispered, “I'm so sorry, Lexie. Please don't tell your sisters.”

“I won't.”

“What would I do without you? You're my strong one. You're the one I lean on.”

“It's okay Mom. I'm right here.”

Adrian walked in the rain. He walked so long he had to sit down. While people hurried by with umbrellas and dashed across the street with newspapers held over them, he sat on a wet bench and put his head back. The small droplets seared his flesh. He could hear the hiss as they fell on his skin.

He needed to get to the ocean.

Gabby never asked him where he was going anymore. As the weeks slipped by he realized he'd have to go. He couldn't believe he'd do this to her, but he had no choice.

Gabby thought he was a good man, but he wasn't. He left Binti behind. He had to find her. He had no right to happiness until she was safe.

He had killed her mother after all.

Chapter Six

The heat of that July was unrelenting. Even the cool Atlantic wind couldn't take the oppression away. There was a haze that lingered over everything. On those endless days of summer, even the water was lazy. It slowly lapped the sand with only enough energy to create a small curl of wave.

It was unseasonably warm even in the early morning, the dew gone before dawn. When Lexie threw open her back screen door and looked out over the cliffs beyond, the water was like glass, a smooth mirror that reflected the new day's sun. In the stillness, she heard the lobster boats as they left the harbour, she listened to the fishermen as they called out to one another. She loved to see them head out for open water, loaded with traps, small against a vast pink horizon.

Lexie would always live by the ocean. How did one breathe otherwise?

She dragged to and from work with the enthusiasm of a dishrag.

“I wish it would rain or something,” she said to Judy, as they sat in the lunchroom at the back of the library.

Judy nodded but didn't say anything. She picked away at her salad.

Lexie opened her yogurt container. “Even fog would be appreciated. I think I'll go to the beach after work and do my imitation of a beached whale.” She thought Judy would laugh but she didn't. Instead, she looked fed up.

“What's wrong?”

Judy said primly, “Since you ask, I'll tell you. You've become almost as annoying as Marlene.”

“Marlene?”

“Lexie, I'm old enough to be your mother. I certainly wish I had a daughter like you but I'm tired of hearing you put yourself down all the time. It's as if you want everyone to think you're a big fat failure. Look at me, I've got curly hair, I'm overweight, I don't have a man, oh boo hoo. If you really think that, shut up and deal with it.”

Lexie was kicked in the teeth. Mousy Judy just told her off. She was transported back to the principal's office. Not that she'd ever been to the principal's office, but she imagined this is how it felt.

Judy warned, “I'll tell you this once and then never again and I really hope you believe me. Do you know what I see when I look at you?”

Lexie shook her head. She didn't dare say anything.

“I see a beautiful woman, inside and out, who covers herself under big baggy clothes. Who keeps her head down and hides behind her hair. Who has the most beautiful eyes and a complexion to die for, but no one sees that because you won't let them.”

She continued to look Lexie straight on.

“So you aren't as small as your sisters. Who cares? You're not even that big. Marilyn Munroe was a size sixteen you know. Just because fashion models look like bony clothes hangers, doesn't mean you should. Be proud of yourself. And for heaven's sake, put on a pair of jeans and tuck in your shirt. Marlene was right about one thing. I'm sick to death of those tablecloths you wear.”

What could she say?

Judy patted her hand on the way out. Why did everyone do that?

After a few weeks of pretending she still liked Judy, it became too much. She knew Judy's heart was in the right place and she was probably right, but the only thing Lexie could remember was that she wore tablecloths to work and was as annoying as Marlene.

Lexie called Kate. Mom was right. It took two days of playing phone tag before she heard her in person.

“Hi Lexie, is anything wrong?”

The heat got to her. “Aren't I allowed to call you just for the sake of calling?”

“Calm down. Of course you can call me. But it's not Sunday. Is everything all right?”

Silence.

“Are you there?”

“I'm sick to death of crying all the time. I'm always crying. I'm boring myself sick with crying. And I don't even know why I'm crying. Because—”

Kate cut her off. “Lexie, why don't you come and stay with me for awhile?”

Lexie cried.

She told them at the library she wanted a leave of absence. It went very smoothly, which surprised her. Then it occurred to her that as administrator, Judy had the final word as to whether she could go or not. That was kind.

She arranged for Sophie to be with her mother while she was away. Lexie fully expected the poor cat to be ten pounds thinner by the time she got back. She wondered if Sophie knew it too because she clung for dear life when Lexie dropped her off. But even pathetic mews couldn't keep Lexie from going. Kate and Daphne had an old farmhouse off St. Margaret's Bay, a prime piece of property on the water that belonged to Daphne's family, and she couldn't wait to see it.

So Lexie closed up her much-loved house. She needed to get away but was wistful as she backed out of her driveway. She'd only be gone for a month or so, but the house looked like it missed her already. It didn't help that it was a drizzly day. It was as if her garden wept, upset that she was leaving.

As she crossed the Seal Island bridge and started up Kelly's Mountain, the fog drifted in and circled around the dark evergreen trees like second-hand smoke in a bar. The sky and surrounding lochs became the colour of bleached driftwood and old lobster traps.

When she glanced at the dense cover of fir trees, Lexie thought of “Hansel and Gretel.” On dreary, heavy days like this, it seemed well within the realm of possibility that a witch did lurk deep within those woods.

Lexie was always a little lost when she ventured over the Causeway. Her heart stayed behind, but after one long look back, she stepped on the gas and ventured forth.

Kate and Daphne greeted Lexie with open arms when she hopped out of the van. She was sticky from the heat. The temperature rose with each passing mile, and since poor old Betsy didn't have air conditioning, Lexie looked like a boiled lobster.

“Oh, my God,” Kate shouted as she hugged her. “You're soaking wet!”

“And look at my hair!” She felt like Bozo the clown.

Daphne laughed. “There's only one remedy. Bomb's away!” The two of them ran around the house so Lexie ran too. They scurried out onto the wooden dock at the back of their property, and did side by side cannonballs into the water with their clothes on.

Lexie was a kid again. She tore up the deck and threw herself into the ice-cold water. She created a huge splash. The world disappeared into a million muffled bubbles. She saw the girls' legs as they kicked underwater. It was heavenly. She didn't want to surface. She wanted to stay under water where it was dark and lovely and cold, wanted to leave the bright hot sun and remain hidden.

She held her breath for as long as she could, then popped up and joined the other two. They looked like otters, sleek and round as they bobbed in the water. They laughed as their clothes floated to the surface around them. They gathered the saltwater underneath their t-shirts and made it look like they had big boobs.

At least, they did. Lexie had on her tablecloth and nearly drowned in a sea of cotton. She resolved to take Judy's advice and buy herself a pair of shorts.

They spent the rest of the evening in the bathrobes they threw on after their dip. The deck overlooked the water. Lexie sat in a comfy Adirondack chair with her feet up and drank cold beer while the steaks grilled. They had a glorious meal outdoors and after a bit, Kate went in the house to retrieve a bottle of ice wine and served it with dessert.

Daphne dug into her raspberries and cream. “So how's the library business?”

“The books are great.”

Kate passed Lexie a bowl of raspberries too. “That's it?”

“That's it.”

Kate looked at her sideways. “Do you plan on being upset about Gabby and Adrian forever?”

“Maybe.”

“Lexie, you have to move on. You can't mope about some guy until you're old and grey. Why don't you try to find someone else?”

Daphne spoke up. “I know. We'll have a party and invite a few friends over. My brother has some nice looking chaps on his baseball team.”

“I hate men.”

“We have some nice looking girls in our bridge club. Will they do?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

They stayed out and talked under the stars until late in the evening. Lexie wasn't there to tell Kate about Mom and Dad. She'd keep Mom's secret to the grave. The fact that she knew something that the others didn't made her feel close to her mother. She didn't need to share it anymore.

But Lexie was sad and disillusioned. She felt adrift. She wanted someone to take care of her.

Lexie woke up the next morning and didn't know where she was. Then her head started to pound. She groaned and turned over on her stomach. A hangover. She hadn't had one of those in a very long time, but was worth it. It was just what she needed.