Relative Happiness (28 page)

“You need to stop being so defensive when it comes to your life-style, as you call it,” Gabby said. “Nobody gives a damn who you sleep with. You don't need to rub Mom's nose in it. If she wants to pretend everything's normal, that's the way she chooses to handle it. So grow up.”

Beth got up and stood facing Gabby, pointing a finger in her face. “Don't you
ever
talk about life-style to us. You don't have the right. You spout off as if you know everything, but lady, you know nothing. You don't hang around long enough to find out what a real relationship is. You spread your legs and move on.” Beth was livid. “Kate and Daphne are a couple. They share a home, a life and a commitment to each other. Rory and I are a couple. We have five children. We nearly lost our minds when our son died, but we hung on to each other and did it. We're still doing it. Lexie struggles to raise a little boy by herself. It's a lonely and difficult thing to do. But she does it.”

Beth started to raise her voice. “You on the other hand slither around and pick up men to amuse yourself. You make men fall in love with you and dump them. You left Richard reeling. He didn't deserve that. You took Adrian away. You must have known Lexie was fond of him. But still you left. You left Mom and Dad and all of us. You didn't even come back when you knew Willie died. You sent flowers. I had a child who died and you couldn't be bothered to fly home for a day or two and give me a hug.”

Tears fell from her eyes. “When were you going to come home, Gabby, if Daddy hadn't died? Never? Were you going to sit on a luxury yacht somewhere and screw all the rich old men on the dock? And you have the nerve to come back here after all this time and tell us that, according to your standards, we're wrong? How dare you.”

Gabby stood up and slapped Beth across the face. Then she walked out of the kitchen and went up the stairs. They heard her bedroom door close.

Beth held her hand to her cheek. It was red. She never said a word and she didn't make a sound. Lexie and Mom and Kate were motionless. As they listened to Beth's outburst, all of them had trembled.

Mom was the first to move. “Beth dear, are you all right?”

Beth nodded her head once, took her coat and went home without a word. Her outburst reverberated in their ears. The air was heavy with words, as if they still hung in the air.

Mom sat down quickly and took Lexie and Kate by the hand.

Her voice shook. “We cannot fall apart like this. We've got to stick together. Your father would be horrified if he thought we'd tear ourselves to pieces because of his death.” She looked frightened. “I'm not sure what to do.”

“There's nothing you can do, Mom,” Lexie reassured her. “Beth's been angry since Willie died. She needed to get that out, and Gabby's angry because she feels guilty about not being here when Dad died. Give them some time.”

Kate started to cry. “I feel so badly. I never meant to start all this. I was scared you wouldn't come and visit me, Mom. Please come sometimes. Please.”

“Kate,” Mom said, “I want to apologize. I never realized how I've hurt you. I didn't know how to handle it. I wasn't sure how to act. I assumed if I carried on as if I knew nothing, it would be better all around. I can see I was wrong.”

“Oh Mom, I'm sorry I said such awful things. I didn't mean it.”

Mom smiled sadly and patted Kate's hand. “If it makes you feel any better, Lexie can tell you that I do a lot of pretending. It's a way of life with me. So don't take it too personally. Right, Lexie?”

“Right, Mom.”

Lexie went back to Mom's in the morning, to wave Kate goodbye. She didn't get much sleep. She knew no one else did either. They were too battered and bruised to rest easy.

Beth didn't come to say goodbye. She didn't want to see Gabby. Gabby and Mom were in the driveway when Lexie showed up.

Gabby pulled Kate to her. “I'm sorry about last night. I hope you'll forgive me.”

Kate hugged her. “It's all right Gabby. We're in a pretty sad way at the moment. It isn't easy. I'm sorry, too.”

Gabby let her go and walked back into the house.

It was Mom's turn. “Take care of yourself, darling. I promise I'll come and see you and Daphne very soon. I'd love to see your house. Lexie tells me it's beautiful.” She started to cry. “I'll miss you so much. It's been wonderful to have you here. Thank you for being with me.” She turned around quickly and went into the house as well.

Kate went over to Lexie and put her arms around her. “Lexie, you'll take care of her won't you? She doesn't have anyone now.”

“Of course, she does. She has us.”

“I mean she doesn't have her mate. It must be awful to be alone.”

“Yes.”

“Thanks for always being here for me, Lexie. I'm so grateful you stuck up for me. I didn't think I'd do it, but you were there and I felt safe.”

“Don't worry about it. I'm always here for you.”

She looked at Lexie sadly. “That's the trouble. You're always here for everyone. We depend on you so much. Sometimes I can't bear it. You remind me so much of Dad.”

She gave Lexie one more squeeze then hurried into the van and drove away.

On her way back to work, Lexie stopped at Beth's, to make sure she was okay.

“Hello, anyone home?”

“I'm in here.” Beth sat in the family room, surrounded by a mountain of toys. Madison was asleep on her shoulder as Beth rocked her.

Lexie waved. “Hi. You alright?”

“I'm fine.”

She sat on the coffee table. Beth's cheek was still red. “What did Rory say when you got home last night?”

“God love him,” she smiled, “he wanted to go over and knock her block off. I told him I'd done that already.”

Lexie smiled at her. “Ya sure did.”

Beth shook her head. “I don't know where most of that came from. I know I can be mouthy, but I didn't intend to beat her up like that.”

“She'll get over it.”

“Maybe. Will you talk to her now? You should, you know. It feels good to fire off a missile every once in awhile.”

“You know me, Beth. I'm not good with weapons of mass destruction. I'm more your squirt-gun type.”

They laughed until they woke Maddie.

Gabby stayed away from Lexie. Every time Lexie went to Mom's, Gabby was out, or occupied with something. Mom was distracted, naturally, and only seemed herself when she was with Josh. Lexie suggested finding a babysitter, until things calmed down a bit, but Mom gave her such a look of horror, Lexie immediately retracted the idea. To lose two men in her life was not an option.

Her mother did have help from her friends. Jeanne and Eleanor always had a little too much chicken pie, or macaroni and cheese. They'd pop by and have a cup of tea, coordinating it so that Mom was never alone all day. Lexie wasn't sure Mom noticed, but Lexie did and she called them both to thank them.

“It's no trouble, sweetie,” Jeanne said. “You can bet she'd do the same for us, if we were in her shoes. God love her, she's been through a lot.”

She knows. They all do. Lexie was ashamed, as if she were responsible for her father's behaviour. She wanted to cry on Jeanne's shoulder, but she knew her mother would consider that a betrayal. Jeanne would never betray her. She pretended she didn't know at all.

That November was dreary. Cold, with a biting wind that flew off the water. Everything was grey and drab—no finery on the trees, no flowers left in their beds, and plenty of colourless stalks that drooped or were trampled down. They waited for winter to come so that they could hide their sad remains beneath the pure white snow.

Lexie and her mother braved the elements to take Joshua for a walk. He needed the fresh air, or so her mother (and the women of her generation) thought. Lucky for her, Josh had a strong constitution.

Along the boardwalk, they braved the wind that gathered its strength offshore. Fog sat snug over the coastline. It too waited for its chance to creep in.

“Your father used to love to walk here,” Mom told her. “Whenever he had a bad day, or heaven forbid, lost a patient, he would pace along this shore and let the ocean breeze carry away his woe.”

“He never talked about his cases, did he? Not that I remember, anyway.”

“Well, he couldn't. Doctor/patient privilege and all that. Thank the lord. Would you want to know who had lice?”

Lexie smiled. They walked along in comfortable silence. She and her mother didn't walk together often. Lexie ran to Dad when she needed someone to talk too. It never occurred to her to wonder if this bothered Mom. Now, Lexie began to notice her for the first time.

She was smaller, and seemed to be curved inward, her shoulders slumped forward. She had been tall, and always moved with an easy grace. Now Lexie saw her hunched into the wind, a thin, fragile version of herself. Lexie's throat got tight. She didn't want to lose her mother. What if she wasn't around to drive them crazy or love them dearly? What would happen then? She'd be an orphan.

Mom broke into her frantic thoughts. “Honey, your sister wants to leave soon.”

She didn't have to ask which one. “When?”

“In a day or so. I think it's time you two talked. You've avoided each other and that can't go on.”

“I haven't avoided her. She's avoided me. Every time I go to your place, she's never there, or she's having a lie down, or she's in the tub. It's not a coincidence.”

“No, that's quite true,” Mom said. “She doesn't know how to approach you, so she hasn't. I think you'll have to be the bigger person.”

“I am the bigger person,” Lexie laughed.

Mom stayed quiet. Then she said, “You haven't seen a lot of your sister because she spends most of her time at your father's grave.”

Lexie looked at her. “I didn't know that.”

“She goes out there almost every day. She takes a blanket and sits under the birch trees. I'm afraid she'll get sick.”

Lexie didn't know what to say.

“She's not strong. I worry about her.”

“She must feel awful she didn't see Dad for the last two years of his life.”

“Of course,” Mom said. “That only stands to reason. But I think it's more than that. And I think it revolves around you, so I wish you'd talk to her before she goes. Who knows when she'll come back to us again.”

Lexie called Gabby on the phone that night and asked her to come over after Josh was in bed. Gabby hesitated before she said yes, then sounded resigned. Lexie told her it wasn't her execution, which made Gabby laugh and broke the tension a little. But Lexie was nervous. She cracked open a bottle of wine and drank two big glasses very quickly. She wanted to be on a more equal footing with glamour girl, so she made sure she looked pretty darn good by the time Gabby got there.

Gabby noticed. She sat down on the sofa, took the glass of wine Lexie offered her and gazed at the fire. Lexie wondered if she thought of the night she left with Adrian.

“You look beautiful Lexie. I've meant to tell you since I got home, but the time was never right.”

“Thanks.”

“I've tried to figure out why it is. At first I thought it was the haircut and makeup. Then I wondered if it was the clothes, but now I think it's because you're a mother. You have a softness about you. It's very alluring.”

“Goodness. Am I being seduced?”

She laughed. “That would be Kate's department.”

“Gabby, don't talk like that.”

“Why not? It's true. She's the one who wants us to know all about it. Never mind, I don't want to get into that anymore. I'm glad she's happy with Daphne. She seems nice.”

“Daphne's very nice. And it doesn't hurt her family's quite well off.”

“Good for Kate. She's not stupid anyway. You might as well fall for the rich ones. It makes life a lot easier.”

“Is that what it's about? Having it easy?”

Gabby looked at her. “Maybe.”

“Will you ever settle down, Gabby?”

“Will you?”

“Don't you dare put me in your category. I've had about two boyfriends and you've had ten times that number. You lucky duck.”

“Not so lucky. It's an insecure way of living. I'm not sure how it started. Obviously I've quite a reputation. I better not disappoint.” She drank from her glass until it was empty, and held it out for another.

Lexie poured her some more. “Beth didn't mean to be so hard on you, Gabby. She told me so. She probably deserved to be slapped for what she said. But her remarks came from a dark place. You have no idea how she's suffered.”

“I know. Or I should say, I can only imagine. I've never lost a baby. Or had a baby to lose. What's it like, Lex, to have a baby?”

“I couldn't explain it if I lived to be a thousand.” She gave her sister a big smile. “He's the most precious thing in my life. He's the reason I put one foot in front of the other. I can't imagine my life without him. I waited for him to come to me. And he did.”