Remembering Us (6 page)

“Yeah, we did,” he finally says, but I’m not looking at him. I can’t take my eyes off those butterflies.
I want to be free
.

Free of what?

“I’m tired.” I feel a pressure on my temples that wasn’t there moments ago, along with a dull throbbing in my ankle signaling I’ve been on my feet too much today. Maybe this was too much of a trip down memory lane for me to handle.

I remembered something. Good or bad, I don’t know, but it’s a start. As I finally climb under my covers once we get home, it gives me hope.

Kelsey and I are sitting next to each other in the reception room at the Little Mountain Country Club. We’re dressed like it’s high school prom all over again. She’s wearing a dress that’s deep red and falls to her ankles but has a slit on one side that goes up to her mid-thigh. When she crosses her legs you can see a flash of her garter belt. Zander licks his lips every time he sees it. The color is stunning on her with her porcelain skin and waist long black hair. Some people used to confuse Kelsey and me for sisters because our hair color and length is almost the same, but we’ve always thought that’s where the similarities end. Her eyes are a pale blue – so light they almost look clear - while mine are dark like the ocean in the midst of a hurricane. My olive skin color makes me look like I always have a slight tan.

Adam hasn’t taken his hands off my silk, dark grey dress all night. It’s length and thigh slit are similar to Kelsey’s, but my dress is held up by thin shoulder straps. The back comes down to my waist, and the front is cut so low it dips down into my cleavage. It’s the most risqué thing I’ve ever chosen to wear in my life. I was so nervous while I was getting ready that I thought I was going to throw up, but as soon as Adam saw it and almost went cross-eyed staring at me, I knew I made the right choice.

He has had a hand touching me all night long and it’s keeping me right at the breaking point of wanting to take him back to his place so we can be alone versus wanting him so bad I almost jumped him in the limo we shared with four other couples on our way to their Fraternity’s Winter Formal.

And even though I’m thankful Adam has let me set the pace, I don’t think my heart can take waiting anymore. I love him and I want to show him how much.

My mind races, wondering what it’s going to be like. His body is so strong, but he’s always been so gentle with me. A simple kiss from Adam leaves me panting, my mouth dry, and my body starving, clawing at him for more. I take anything he gives me because as soon as Adam touches me, my brain turns to a gooey mess, unable to think about anything except the heat my body absorbs from him.

“What is it, Ames?” Adam whispers in my ear quietly enough so no one else at the table can hear me.

“Huh?” His hand moves higher on my thigh and squeezes. I look down, and then to his eyes, and blush. My body shivers, imagining the fire that will be lit when he’s inside of me.

“You’ve been acting nervous all night. What’s going on?” The line between Adam’s eyes deepens and I hear him grind his teeth together. I look across the table, glancing at Adam’s fraternity brother and his date, Britnee. She’s had Adam before and she’s made it no secret that she wants more of him. I don’t necessarily blame her. Adam’s fingers are like a drug; his kisses the strongest heroin possible.

I shake my head, clearing the doubts of Britnee from my mind, and focus on Adam, where everything always becomes clear. My fingers go up and play with the hair at the nape his neck, one fingernail lightly scratching his stubble in front of his ear. I love that he always has a bit of roughness to him. The burn from his scratchy chin and cheeks always leaves a reminder that he’s been with me, even when he’s gone.

“I want … more, Adam.” I’ve always been confident and proud of who I am. I am comfortable in my skin, but Adam has a way of making me re-think everything I’ve been taught and believed in my entire life. It’s as exciting as it is unsettling.

I feel Adam’s other hand slide to the back of my neck and he pulls me close. I refuse to look at anyone else, afraid people will be gawking at us in such an intimate position at the table in front of his closest fifty fraternity brothers.

His breath sends shivers down my spine and leaves a pool of heat in my lap as his lips brush lightly against my ear. “Are you telling me what I think you’re telling me?”

I can only nod.

“Because I want you, Amy. I want to know what it feels like to sink inside of you and feel every part of you against me, but I need you to be sure.” He pulls back slightly. Our noses are almost touching. He’s so close I have to blink so I can see both of his eyes instead of one blurry one.

“I just need a minute.” I stand quickly and scurry off to the bathroom before I can embarrass myself at the table.

I’m running cold water over my wrists when Kelsey walks into the bathroom. She crosses her arms and leans against the wall.

“What was that about?”

I wipe my hands on a paper towel, too afraid to look at her. She’s been pushing me towards Adam for months. I can’t tell if it’s because she’s dating Zander and likes it when we can all go out, or if she really thinks he’s good for me. But whenever I doubt myself or Adam, she’s always been there to push me to have fun and let everything else go.

“I can’t do it, Kels.” I shake my head and laugh. She knew my plans for the night. She could tell by how nervous I was when we got ready together in our apartment. She handed me a strip of condoms and told me to get some.

“Fine,” she says, throwing her arms up in the air. “Do what you want, but you really need to get over the fact that Adam was a man-whore before you. He’s not anymore, and he’s not using you. Have sex with him or not, but either way, he’s not going to care and he’s not going anywhere.”

She leaves, letting the bathroom door slam behind her. I can only laugh. Kelsey’s trust is hard to earn, yet she seems to understand Adam more than I do.

Adam never stays with anyone for long, and while I’ve tried to mentally keep my distance from him, my heart has never once received the message. It’s gone forward, full speed ahead, and fallen completely in love with the unattainable sex god of Denver U.

Admitting it to myself silently in the mirror, I feel my pulse quicken and make a decision to, for once in my life, follow my heart. I will worry about healing my heart when it breaks and not a minute before.

“You can do this,” I tell myself in the mirror.

I shake my head again, feeling foolish for talking to myself in the mirror, and go back to find Adam. To tell him I’m sure. To tell him that I want him. I want to feel his hands all over every part of me.

But as soon as I open the door to the bathroom, I want to take back every good thought I’ve ever had about him.

Because plastered against the wall in the hallway is Britnee, and Adam is the one doing the plastering. Every single inch of his long frame pushes against her. She has a fist holding his tie between them and his hands are against the brick wall, his lips pressed against hers … moving.

I stand there, frozen. Unable to move, unable to speak, and unable to scream that he’s the biggest fucking asshole in the whole world.

Why?

Because I knew this would happen going into it. I knew this would happen from the day he asked me to tutor him in Statistics. My damn, stupid, romantic heart, thinking he would change for me – because of me - is the only idiot. My head knew he would never change.

As if she knew to expect me, Britnee pushes him back but keeps a fist around his tie. I want to break that hand with its acrylic French manicured nails. Slowly. Ripping every single one off and taking her real nail in the process.

Adam jumps back and spins around to face me. “I was just coming to check on you.” He takes the back of his hand and wipes his mouth, smearing her hot pink hooker lipstick all over his mouth and his hand.

“Seems like you got side-tracked.” My voice is cold, unforgiving, and Adam flinches at my tone.

“It’s not what you think. She just grabbed me.” He turns to Britnee, who is still smiling at me with her back against the wall. One hand is still wrapped around Adam’s forearm and he yanks it off his arm, throwing her hand down. He glares at her quickly before his eyes return to mine.

I roll my shoulders back and hold my head high, because I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone. I push past him in the hallway. He will not humiliate me. I’m a Thompson and we don’t get humiliated. We’re better than that. I’m
better than him.

The thought shocks me. For once, I agree with my mom.
I am better than him.

“Amy, wait.” I know he’s following me, but I don’t stop. I grab my clutch and my cell phone from the table without missing a step. I get to the doorway that leads outside, when I suddenly see Brendan. He’s an asshole. He’s on the football team and thinks every guy should kiss his feet and every girl should suck his dick just because he can throw a ball made from a murdered pig. He’s hit on me more times than I count in the last two years.

Before I can think about what I’m doing, my hands are clasped behind his neck and his lips are mine. He grunts and his eyes fly wide open at first, but because he’s that big of a dick, he quickly takes control. His tongue pushes into my mouth and I have to swallow down the bile in my throat. He reeks of beer. I don’t care and I don’t let it stop me.

I can feel the first crack of heartache hit my chest as Brendan pulls me to him, his erection tight in his tuxedo pants.

“What the fuck!” Adam yells.

One second Brendan’s lips are on mine, and the next, I’m staring into Adam’s feral looking eyes. He’s pissed? I just caught him kissing the easiest girl on campus.

Behind him, Britnee is pulling on Adam’s arm, even as he’s trying to shake her off.

Every eye in the country club is on us and it gives me courage to do what needs to be done. My blood turns to ice in my veins, and I temporarily push down all the pain I feel.

I will not be played a fool. Not by Britnee and not by Adam.

“Sorry, Adam. It’s been fun.” His jaw drops open and his hands tighten into fists.

Britnee stands next to him, just as wide-eyed, but with excitement and victory. She’s getting what she wanted. I’m handing him to her. She should thank me, really.

I turn to Brendan who looks a bit stunned, like he just realized what’s happening and who he was just kissing in front of his entire frat house. Adam and Brendan have never gotten along, and I’ve never cared to ask why. I don’t care now. I just need an escape, and he’s the perfect guy to give me one.

I pull on his tie, lightly, and he looks down at me. “Take me home.”

I don’t even know if he has a date. If he does, he doesn’t seem to care as his eyes go hazy and he pulls his car keys out of his front pocket.

“Don’t do this, Amy. I didn’t do anything wrong.” I don’t look at Adam, too afraid of what I’ll see, but then I decide I’m stronger than this. I’m stronger than him.

“We both knew it wouldn’t last, right?” My voice sounds scarily haunting, and he flinches again. “Remember? You told me yourself.”

Without another word, I turn away from Adam, pulling Brendan out the front door of the country club. Brendan has a cocky grin on his face and he follows me willingly. Excitedly.

No one else follows me. No one stops me; not even Kelsey.

I have begun slowly remembering things after that day in Martino’s. Last week I walked past a music store and picked up a Coldplay album. I stood in the middle of the store and it felt like the album jumped into my hands – like I was meant to own it.

I bought it because the feeling to possess it was so strong, even if I didn’t understand. It wasn’t until I was walking home that I remembered the concert t-shirt collection in my closet and had a flash of standing with Adam in a sea of people watching the same band sing a song that I knew was called, “In My Place.” I went back to the apartment and found my iPod, not surprised at all to find it filled with rock albums that were vaguely familiar, and yet I knew every word. I loved every word.