Saving a Legend: A Kavanagh Legends Novel (27 page)

“Um…” Fiona faltered, the answer was definitely no. On all accounts.

“And what about Shea. How will she handle two full moves in less than two weeks? Can she do that?” Dee’s questions might have sounded harsh to anyone else, but Fiona had learned over the last few weeks that Dee was a straight shooter. She gave advice, unsolicited, and didn’t apologize for it.

“Probably not,” Fiona admitted.

Dee gave her a supportive smile. “Then it’s settled. You’ll stay here.”

“Are you sure?” Fiona cringed, guilt swelling in her stomach. “I don’t want to impose on you any more than I already have. But I could use a little more time to save up.”

“Our Lord God says to protect the little babies, and that’s what I’m doing. Shea can’t handle another move right now, and I care about that girl too much to let her world be upended again, especially after my own son is responsible for the most recent disaster.”

Dee was right—Shea couldn’t handle this. She couldn’t be continually moved around, she needed stability. Fiona might not like having to accept even more help from the ever-giving Kavanaghs, but she had no choice.

—

“Fiona, he’s going to keep calling and asking for you,” Casey told her, pouring herself a glass of orange juice.

“I know, I know. I just have no idea what I’m supposed to say,” Fiona said, sipping coffee from a large mug and leaning over the breakfast bar in the Kavanagh kitchen, where all the women had gathered the following Sunday morning. Fiona couldn’t believe it had been only a week since Kieran had gone back to prison, because it felt like years were slowly dragging by with every night she went to bed without his holding her. The judge had officially given him only thirty days, but not seeing him for another three weeks seemed intolerable.

“I get it,” Clare said as she poured a banana-nut mixture into muffin tins one at a time. “I wouldn’t talk to Rory if he were in prison. Make him suffer for a month—give him a reason not to go back—then forgive him when he gets home.”

“I’m not trying to make him suffer,” Fiona said with a frown, taking another sip of her coffee.

Casey put the jug of orange juice back in the fridge, then picked up her glass. “Maybe not, but he’s suffering all the same. He just wants a chance to explain.” She took a sip.

“I’m not sure there’s anything
to
explain.” Fiona tried to keep the tears from welling in her eyes. “It’s not like there was some heroic reason why he chose for weeks not to tell me about his past.”

“We don’t know the whole situation,” Nora interjected, trying to play middle field. Sitting next to Fiona, she had her own cup of coffee and was eating a small bowl of blueberries.

“We do, though.” Fiona put down her coffee cup slightly harder than she meant to. “He’s an ex-con, and he never told me. I let my little sister around him, and he still didn’t tell me. I told him that I was afraid, that I wasn’t used to trusting people, and he still didn’t tell me. And is he an addict? Has he been hiding that, too? I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around
that
possibility.”

“Kieran is not an addict.” Casey jumped in immediately, crossing her hands in front of her. “Not even close.”

“I agree. I don’t know Kieran all that well, but I do know addicts. From what I’ve heard about him, and what I’ve seen, he’s not some hard-core drug user,” Clare said, her voice turning sad and quiet as she put the muffin tray into the preheated oven. “Believe me, I’d know.”

“I’m sorry, Clare.” Fiona squeezed her arm gently. She’d heard about Rory’s background and everything he and Clare had gone through when they met.

“It’s okay.” Clare waved her hand to squash the topic. “This is a tough situation.”

“It really is.” Fiona sighed, then stole a blueberry from Nora’s bowl and popped it into her mouth. “Ever since he went back to jail, Shea has been devastated, and she is convinced it’s all her fault for some reason. I feel so lost, so…broken. I have to do what’s best for my sister.” Fiona tried to speak with assurance, but her confidence cracked with each broken seam of her heart. “And letting this kind of pain into her life is definitely not for the best.”

“Plus, he made you miss the gala, so that on its own is heartbreaking.” Clare tried to bring humor back to the defeated mood in the room. “Think of that poor dress still in your closet! The man must suffer!”

It worked, because they all chuckled and shook their heads at her comment, even though their laughter was still heavy and tired. Casey clapped a hand on Clare’s shoulder. “Damn, Clare. Ice cold.”

“I’m teasing, of course,” Clare said with a smile. They all knew, because Clare was sweet to her very core.

“I’m not trying to make him suffer…Do you think he’s that upset?” Fiona finally asked.

“Um, yeah.” Casey put a now-empty juice glass in the sink. “If you’re not trying to hurt him, then what are you doing?”

“I’m just trying to process everything. He lied to me. That’s what bothers me the most,” Fiona tried to explain, her hands clasped around her mug tightly. “I told him how important trust is to me, how much it took for me to allow him into Shea’s life. How do I know anything he tells me over the phone while he’s in prison is going to be the truth?”

The women paused and looked at each other. None looked as if she knew the answer to that question.

“Maybe he had a good reason? I don’t know.” Nora stared down at her cup of coffee. Fiona knew that her best friend had built a friendship with Kieran based on working together these last few weeks, but even she was surprised that Nora continued to give him the benefit of the doubt when the evidence was so clearly against him.

“You could go visit him on Monday if they let you. Harder to lie face-to-face,” Clare suggested, checking on her muffins.

“Except that he’s been doing that ever since the day they met,” Casey answered for her.

The women sat in silence, contemplating the situation. The house was silent: Shea was in the next room reading, and both Seamus and Dee were at Legends, as they were most days. None of the brothers were here, and they weren’t expected to start showing up until Sunday dinner in a few hours.

The phone rang, causing them all to jump.

“Fucking hell,” Casey grumbled as she walked over to the wall phone. The parents, as they were affectionately called, were still pretty old school, and had one of those old-timey phones with a long, coiled cord. “Hello?”

“I bet that’s him again.” Clare eyed Casey nervously. He’d already called twice this morning when he’d been able to find a phone; she doubted he’d be able to manage it a third time.

“I’ll ask, but I’m not sure it’s a good idea,” Casey said into the phone receiver, before turning to look at her. “Fiona?”

Fiona’s stomach dropped as Casey held the phone out to her with an uncomfortable look on her face. She contemplated her choices. She could continue to push off the confrontation another few weeks until he was out…Or she could talk to him now.

“Okay, okay. I can do this.” She exhaled and stood, walking over and taking the phone from Casey. “Hello?”

“Fi, thank God.” His deep, gravelly voice echoed through the phone, and her chest tightened at his tone.

“Kieran.” She knew her voice sounded pathetic, the need apparent as all she wanted was for him to be standing in front of her with their arms wrapped around each other.

Clare, Nora, and Casey were staring at her, eagerly listening in on her conversation. Tossing them a pointed look, she pulled the cord and walked around the corner into the hallway, in hopes of being alone for a few moments.

“You finally took my call,” he whispered.

She just bit her lip and put a hand on her chest, trying to keep her heart from bursting through her ribs.

“I’ve missed you so much, Fi. I’ve been going crazy not being able to see and talk to you every day,” he said, an echo of her own thoughts.

“What do you want, Kieran?” she finally asked, a slight sob at the end of her words as tears threatened to break.

“I want to wrap my arms around you and feel your heart beating next to mine, but I’ll settle for a conversation,” he said softly, anguish in his tone.

She closed her eyes to keep from crying. “Kieran, I can’t.”

“Do you miss me, Fi?” He sounded childlike for a moment, pain ripping through his tone.

“I don’t know what I miss, Kieran. I never really knew you, did I?” That was the thing that bothered her the most, her complete inability to recognize that the man in her bed was a stranger.

“You know me better than anyone else, Fi. You know me inside and out; you know my heart. You own my heart. My past, my mistakes—that’s not who I am.”

“I want to believe that, Kieran. I want to believe you, but you’ve lied to me. I don’t know what to do with that. I’ve no clue how to feel right now.” She tried to ignore the throbbing in her chest as she thought of him in a cold, lonely cell. “How many days were you even out of prison before we met?”

“Two.”

His admission hit her hard. She knew it had been close, but two days…actually knowing this was too much. “Why couldn’t you tell me? Why couldn’t you be honest with me? You knew how much trust mattered to me, how much I didn’t want to give my heart over to just anyone.”

Kieran sighed through the receiver, and she wished she could see his face. “I’m not just anyone, Fi. We’re different, we’ve got something people only dream about.”

She couldn’t argue with that. What they’d had before he’d been thrown into the back of a police car had been special. It was fast and over the top, yet perfect for who they were. Or who she’d thought they were. “Then why couldn’t you tell me?” she repeated. “I would have understood, I think. Everyone has past demons, but I have a child in my care. I need to know the type of person I’m letting into her life.”

He exhaled slowly. “I was afraid of what you’d say. I was afraid you’d not want me anymore once you knew.”

Fiona bit her lip. “Did I do something? Did I make you turn back to drugs?”

“What?” He seemed surprised at her question, but it was one of the questions that had been plaguing her for days. “Fiona, how could you even think that? You had nothing to do with this. I didn’t relapse, and I’m not an addict. I did a few recreational drugs back before prison because I was young and stupid and liked to party, but never since. That was a long time ago, Fi.”

She wanted to believe him. So bad. She felt slightly more confident that his family had confirmed this for her already, but the lies still hung over her. She hoped and prayed he was who he said he was. That he wasn’t a drug addict, that he wasn’t a bad influence to bring into her life. Or that she wasn’t a bad influence on him. “Kieran, I want to trust you, but I have to think about Shea—”

“Fi, I
adore
Shea,” he quickly reiterated, interrupting her. “I’d never hurt her, and you know that. Everything was going so well between us before this. I know I hurt you, and I will do whatever I can to make that up to you, but I don’t want it to ruin what we had. I’m so head over—”

“Don’t say it,” Fiona interrupted him quickly. “The first time you say those words to me, it cannot be when you’re there and I’m here and everything is such a complete mess. We can’t do this, especially over the phone.”

He was silent for a moment, and the phone line crackled between them. “Come visit me, then. We’ll talk about all of it. We’ll make this work, Fi. Please.”

Fiona wondered what it would be like to see him behind bars. The very image tore at her heart, and a sob slipped from her lips. Shea’s face came to mind, and she wondered what example she was supposed to set as a guardian. She’d spent so much time screwing it all up, she wanted to start doing the right thing. For Shea. And for herself.

“I don’t think so, Kieran,” she finally whispered back.

“What do you mean?” His words were strained and slow.

“It’s not just about us anymore, Kieran. A lot of people were affected by this. Shea’s been having meltdowns every day. A trip would take hours and I’d have to close the shop, which I can’t afford, or explain everything to Shea and find a babysitter. I can’t leave her right now, not with how tenuous everything is. And on top of all that, I just can’t see you like that. I can’t see you locked up in a cage.”

“I don’t know if I can go an entire month with this between us, flower girl,” he said softly. “I miss you, and I miss Shea.”

Fiona sniffed back tears. “We can talk when you get home, but I’ve got to put her first right now. I have to do what’s best for her. I can’t think about what I want right now.”

Part of her wondered if that was just better for everyone anyway. She’d spent so many nights worried about how he’d handle finding out about her past. If the pain threatening to break her was any indication of how painful a secret past could be, she certainly couldn’t imagine telling him now about hers. And that was the worst part of it—she knew she was a hypocrite. She was upset at him for holding back from her, when she was doing the same to him. At this point, they’d both made such a mess of things that it really seemed easier to cut ties and move on.

Kieran’s voice crackled through the line, pain lacing his words. “Fiona, do you still want me?”

God yes, I want you. I’m falling in love—
Fiona’s thoughts came to a screeching halt. She couldn’t possibly be in love with a man who was currently behind bars…could she?

“Kieran,” she finally whimpered, not sure how to answer and definitely not wanting to tell him the thought that had just crossed her mind.

But he wasn’t letting her off the hook, and his voice was so full of pain. “Fiona, do you still want me?”

Fiona held the phone tighter against her ear. “I—I don’t think it matters what I want anymore.”
I don’t think it matters that I’m falling in love with you.

“I’m counting the days, Fi,” he said softly, after a few moments of silence passed between them.

“Me, too,” she whispered, almost wishing it wasn’t true.

But it was true, and as she put the receiver back on its holder, a loud sob wracked her body. Leaning back against the wall, she was about to slide down to the floor when she felt several arms encircle her. Casey had her arms tight around Fiona’s upper body, her head resting on her shoulder. Nora had her arms around the both of them, and Clare moved to wrap around all of them. It was an awkwardly large group hug, and it was everything she needed.