Scars of the Past (4 page)

Chapter Four

The alarm clock jolted me awake at 6:00 am, and I sat up groggy and confused. I’d finally given in and fallen asleep between 3:30 and 4:00 am, but slept restlessly.

I forced myself up and walked into the bathroom. Amanda was already in the shower and I mumbled a greeting to her as I brushed my teeth.  She climbed out of the shower, wrapping her red hair in a towel and she leaned over to give me sideways hug.

“Morning Mads.”

She left the bathroom to go get dressed and I just grunted to her retreating back. Amanda’s attitude in the morning was as opposite of mine and Sydney’s as you could get. I stumbled into the kitchen, poured myself a cup of coffee, and sank onto the couch. A few minutes later Sydney appeared next to me, muttering angrily about Amanda’s singing so early in the morning. I wasn’t really a morning person, but Sydney wasn’t a before-noon person.

After my cup of coffee was finished, I walked back into my room to get dressed. I grabbed some clothes out of my closet, but instead of putting them on I sat down on the edge of my bed, suddenly unsure of going to school. I didn’t really want to spend my day around people, and instead thought about how appealing hiding under the blankets would be. I almost had myself talked into staying home when Amanda knocked on the door to tell me we had to leave in five minutes.

I dressed as quickly as I could, pulling my hair into a pony tail, and I applied some cover up to the bruises on my face. They weren’t invisible, but at least they wouldn’t be completely noticeable to my classmates.

My roommates were waiting for me when I walked out of the bedroom, and we all piled into Sydney’s BMW. When we arrived to campus, Amanda said goodbye as she made her way to the library. On Mondays and Wednesdays she didn’t have a class until 10:00 am, but would spend her time in the library researching potential internships for next year.

Amanda was studying to be a Social Worker, something she had decided she wanted to be shortly before we graduated High School. Her and her mother had been researching help to bring into their house, and had ended up touring a few nursing homes. Some of the things Amanda had seen had sparked a fire in her, and she was determined to become an advocate for the sick and elderly.

Sydney linked her arm through mine and walked with me to my first class. This was the first semester where we didn’t have any classes together, and we both hated it. She was studying business at the request of her father, but she didn’t care for it. She loved school for the social aspect, but otherwise she wouldn’t bother showing up if her parents didn’t use it as leverage over her. No daughter of Harold and Diane Lewis was going to be a college dropout and they would only support her as long as she maintained passing grades.

Sydney walked me to the education building before giving me a quick hug and heading back towards where she needed to be. My first class was an easy one; the teacher would tell us the assignment that would be homework and give us the rest of the class period to work on it. I submerged myself into the assignment, letting my mind forget for a little while.

When the class dismissed, I had already completed and turned the paper in. I walked mechanically to my next class, preferring auto pilot to anything else.

When I stepped into the big auditorium, I paused, not sure if I should go sit in my normal spot with my friends Aaron and Brianna. They were also working on degrees in elementary education, so we had a lot of classes together. They were great people, but they would ask questions and I wasn’t sure I could handle questions.

I had decided to sit alone when a hand settled on my hip. I jumped and pulled away quickly, almost sending myself down the auditorium stairs.

Aaron stood there with an amused look on his face until he caught sight of my own, and his morphed into concern.

“Whoa, Maddie. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

My cheeks burned in embarrassment from my overreaction, and I tried to shake my head as if it wasn’t a big deal.

“I was just in my own head.”

He stared for another moment before giving me a slow nod, placating me. I headed towards our usual spot and sat down, Aaron taking the spot beside me. He pulled his notebook out of his bag and gave me a sideways look.

“Everything okay?”

“Oh yeah,” I lied, forcing a smile onto my face. “I’m just tired. I slept like crap.”

“Me too. Ricky had a paper he left until last night, so all I heard while I tried to sleep was the ‘tap, tap, tap’ of the computer keyboard.”

I let him amble on about his boyfriend and was thankful when Brianna showed up to be another distraction. The two of them carried on the conversation and only required minimal participation from me.

When the professor stood at the podium on the stage below to begin her normal digital presentation, I did my best to pay attention and take notes, but I couldn’t focus. I spent the entire class staring at the back of random heads, wondering if anyone one of those people could be
him
.

After class, I walked with Aaron and Brianna to the food court where Sydney was waiting at our usual table, her lunch already in front of her. I sat across from her while my other friends went to grab their food, and Sydney pushed an unopened Caesar salad to me.

“Thanks Syd,” I said as I opened it up and poured the dressing on top.

She just smiled and started babbling about some gossip she’d heard in her economics class, but I’d zoned her out as I picked at my food. After a few minutes I realized Sydney was silent and I glanced up at her to see her staring right back at me.

“Don’t make me ask it,” she warned, giving me her best stern face.

“Just spaced out, I’m fine,” I replied, shrugging my shoulders. “Just thinking.”

She continued to stare, an expectant look on her face, and I knew I’d have to give her something

“Josh text me last night…” I trailed off, and pushed my food around some more.

Sydney raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow, but still said nothing.

“It wasn’t a big deal, he just gave me some information to a support group for women who... Well, girls that’s were…” I stumbled over the four letter word, not wanting to say it out loud.

Sydney grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly. “You should check it out sometime. We could go with you if you want. Or not,” she added, taking in the panicked expression that had settled over my face.

I swallowed loudly, and looked away from her, feeling the shame creep back up. “There are just details people don’t need to hear. I just can’t.”

She frowned but didn’t respond, and I knew her feelings were hurt. I never kept anything from either of them, but this was different. I just hoped my friends would understand.

Brianna suddenly appeared in the seat next to me, causing me to jump and breaking the silence that had stretched between Sydney and I. Aaron sat next to Sydney and pulled her into the debate he and Brianna were having about the announced Halloween parties that some of the frats were throwing at the end of the month. A couple of our other classmates sat and chatted until it was time for Sydney and I to part and go to our separate classes.

I walked across the campus by myself, basking in the momentary silence. My last class of the day was more involved than the others, so I forced myself to pay attention the best I could.

After it was over, I found a tree near the parking lot Sydney had parked in earlier, and sat on the grass in the shade. I worked on the homework I had been given, and by the time Sydney and Amanda showed up, I had completed it all.

The drive home was quiet, both of the girls had seemed to pick up on my mood and gave me some space. Amanda made tacos for dinner, and we ate on the couch, watching a couple of cheesy sitcoms that we all really loved.

As soon as I was done eating, I retreated to my bedroom in a desperate attempt to be away from Amanda and Sydney. I loved them, of course, but they both watched me as if I was a bomb and only moments from detonating. The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on me. I had always been the most reasonable and level headed in our threesome, but overnight I had turned into the emotional wreck that needed babysitting.

Tuesday continued on very much like Monday, and although I only had two classes, they were longer than the other three. I finished all of my homework before I met up with my friends, and when we got in the car I made an excuse about going to my mom’s house. We pulled into the parking lot and I went straight from Sydney’s BMW to my small Nissan without even going inside the apartment.

When I got to my mother’s house, I used the key to let myself in knowing my mom wouldn’t be home from work yet, but needing to be around something comforting.

My mom was a nurse and had been for as long as I could remember. She worked in obstetrics, and often talked about the joy that birthing babies gave her. My mom had been an amazing mom to my brother, Matthew, and me. I didn’t remember our father, but Matt did and he refused to talk about him. He had been a contractor, and he and my mother were high school sweethearts, seemingly in love. But at one point my father started sleeping with one of the interior decorators his company used, and after he divorced my mom he and his new girlfriend had moved to Texas.

If my mom ever faltered in her parenting as a result, it was never apparent to me. She proceeded on through life as if it was supposed to be the three of us. She had a crazy schedule, but still somehow managed to make it to all of Matthew’s football games, and every single piano recital I had.

Now, at 49-years-old, her house was empty and I worried she was lonely. She never really dated, telling us she didn’t have the time when we asked. I even tried to set her up with online dating at one point, but she dismissed the idea. Matthew and I were always told we were spitting images of our mother, with our dirty blonde hair, and bright blue eyes. But Matt favored our father in his body-wise, hulking over both of our 5’7 builds with his 6’2 frame.

I moved into the family room and just looked around. That room was the most used in the house, with the couch, loveseat, and oversized chair all arranged to accommodate a variety of people. I had hosted many slumber parties in this room, while Matthew had used it to watch sports with all of his friends.  At that moment it looked so empty and so alone that I couldn’t stand to be in there for more than a few minutes.

I walked up to the second story of my mother’s home and pushed open the door to my childhood bedroom. It was still the same, my mother stating she had no reason to change it. I climbed onto the double bed, and laid my head on one of my pillows. I stared at the different posters I had on the wall across from the bed, and for the first time in a few days I didn’t feel incredibly anxious.

The room felt familiar, and I allowed myself to doze off, jerking awake when someone’s hand swept gently across my forehead.

Mom was sitting on the bed next to me, still in her pale purple scrubs with her graying hair pulled up into a ponytail on the back of her head. She smiled at me when she saw I was awake, but I could see the worry behind her eyes.

“Hey baby girl.” Her voice was gentle and quiet. “How long have you been here?”

I sat up and rubbed my eyes before leaning my head on her shoulder.

“I came right after school. I just needed to be alone for a few minutes.”

She nodded and rubbed a soothing hand down my back. “I figured when I saw your car in the driveway. Come on, I’ll make you some dinner.”

We went downstairs together, and I helped her make up some meatloaf and mashed potatoes.  We ate at the large dinner table which had held many meals over the years, and my mom kept the conversation light and normal.

After we were finished eating, she packaged up some of the food for Amanda and Sydney before giving me a tight hug.

“Thank you, mom.”

She pulled away and fixed me with a motherly look. “You know that you can always come home, even if it’s just for a nap or a snack. And I hope you know that if you need someone to talk to, I’m always here for you.”

I did know that, and I told her so before I gave her a kiss on the cheek and headed back to my apartment.

Chapter Five

The week went on basically in the same pattern. I went to school, I did my homework, and I spent the nights hiding in my room. Although I knew they meant well, my watchful friends started getting on my nerves. Anytime I’d walk into a room, I’d catch the girls in a hushed conversation that would suddenly stop when they noticed me.

My temper was short with them both, and I started snapping at them for every little thing. After a couple of days they no longer tried to include me in conversation, and their worried looks only increased.

My own home started to feel like a prison, and so Saturday morning I left the house while Amanda was out running and Sydney was still asleep. I didn’t have a particular destination in mind, but I was just desperate to not be stared at with the pitiful looks I was growing accustomed to.

I spent four hours at the mall, but instead of shopping I just walked around, thinking and watching people. A couple of times I’d catch sight of a guy who looked similar to my assailant and I’d freeze in terror until my brain clued in that it wasn’t
him
.

By the time late afternoon rolled around I had walked every corner of two different malls, sat through a vampire movie, and fed the ducks at a local park. I had been called and text randomly throughout the day, but after my initial reply of ‘I just wanted to run some errands, I’ll be back tonight’, I had stopped responding. 

I drove around and somehow found myself parked in front of Solid. It was only 5:00 and the club looked so generic in the day light, but it still felt big and intimidating. My feet moved automatically until I was standing in front of the door, and pulling on the handle. Not expecting it to be unlocked, I was surprised when it opened.

I walked in and it looked like a completely different place with all of the lights on and the lack of bodies. It was quiet, and I didn’t see anyone as I inched forward until I was standing in the middle of the dance floor. My feet moved without me telling them to, and soon I was in front of the door that led to the alley. The door wasn’t latched, but instead propped open by a rock, as if someone had been going in and out of it frequently. I walked through the doorway slowly and stepped outside onto the damp concrete.

The alley looked the same, but in a sober state I took notice of the fact that the area was smaller than I thought. The dumpster on the left backed up to a locked gate, and random trash littered around it. To my right was a dead end into a chain link fence, with a couple of chairs that the employees probably used when they came out to smoke. I stood in that little space, fixated with a spot on the building to the right of the door. I don’t know how long I stayed frozen, glaring at the wall before I realized tears were falling down my cheeks.

Heavy footsteps approached from inside the club and I immediately jumped back, hugging myself tight. Rod the bouncer walked out carrying two black garbage bags, and when he saw he wasn’t alone he immediately scowled.

“What are you doing back…” He stopped mid-sentence, giving me a once over before understanding washed over his features and he softened his expression. Without the scowl, the huge hulking man didn’t look as scary.

“Maddie, right?”

I didn’t respond right away, but instead I looked back to that offensive piece of wall before meeting Rod’s eyes again.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t see anyone inside and I just needed to- I don’t know. I just needed to come out here.”

He gave me a soft smile, and moved towards the dumpster, tossing the bags he was carrying inside of it.

“They find him yet?”

I shrugged and then shook my head. “I don’t think so. “

He nodded and walked to the door, pushing the rock away with his foot and holding the door with his arm.

“The police gave us copies of the sketch they took from you. We’re keeping an eye out for him, I promise.” He gestured me to go through the door first. “Come on, Maddie. Don’t make yourself crazy.”

I reluctantly did as I was told, casting one last glance over my shoulder as Rod held the door before following me inside.

“You need anything, you let us know, okay?” He cleared his throat, and he gave me an awkward pat me on the shoulder. “I’m sorry that happened.”

I sighed heavily and thanked him before turning to leave. As I reached the door I stopped and turned. Rod was still standing where I left him, a look of sympathy on his face.

“Is Josh here?”

Rod shook his head. “He doesn’t actually work here; he just fixes our computer registers. One of them wasn’t working right the other night. Do you want me to tell him to call you or something when I see him?”

“Oh. No, it’s okay. I was just curious.” I forced a tiny smile and gave him a wave.

When I got to my car I sat there for a moment before putting the car in drive and pulling away from the curb.

A few hours and a few gallons of gas later, I trudged up the stairs slowly before stopping in front of our door. With a deep breath I put the key in and pushed the door open, and as expected Amanda sprang up from the couch.

“Where have you been?” She sounded frantic and a touch of anger showed on her face.

I sighed and scrubbed my hands down my face before putting my purse and bags on the counter. “I just had to get out of the house and I wanted to be alone.”

Amanda shook her head and slumped down onto the arm of the couch. I perched my hip against the counter in the kitchen and we just stood in silence for a moment.

“We’re worried about you,” she said, her voice cautious.

I huffed and crossed my arms, speaking more harshly than I meant to. “I know! You think I don’t notice the way you both keep looking at me? Whispering behind my back? Treating me like I’m fragile?”

I’d shocked her and she just stood there, gaping at me, and I immediately felt guilty, but it just kept flowing from my mouth.

“I don’t want to be treated like I’m a china doll who might break if you hug her too hard. I was raped,” I choked on the last word, and hot, angry tears filled my eyes. “But I’m not dead. I can’t get back to life if everyone else walks on eggshells.”

Amanda was still sitting in the same spot, tears running down her cheeks. I wiped my face and pushed off from the counter, moving towards my bedroom. I stopped when I reached the hallway and turned back to look at Amanda.

“I’m sorry. You don’t deserve to be snapped at- I know you guys are worried. But I can’t stop living or he wins.”

I went into my bedroom, changed my clothes, and buried myself under my comforter. It was barely 8:00 pm but I felt exhausted.

A while later my bedroom door opened, but I didn’t bother looking up, just assumed it was one of the girls. I felt the bed dip and Amanda’s warm body cuddled behind me. We just sat in silence for a long time and I knew this was Amanda’s way of saying she understood.

“I love you, Amanda,” I whispered, reaching for her hand behind me.

She gave mine and squeeze. “I love you, too, Mad.”

The next morning I woke up feeling like I was sleeping in a boiler room. Amanda was lying on the right side of the bed, cuddled against me and our hands still clasped together. To my left I was cuddled against Sydney, who’d apparently joined us sometime after we’d fallen asleep. My other arm was draped over her, and I’m sure the three of us would have looked strange if anyone had walked in.

Remorse flooded through me for the way I had been acting. These girls were the best friends anyone could ask for, and I had been throwing myself a pity party when they were just trying to look out for me.

Somewhere a phone sounded, but I didn’t dare move and disturb my friends. But the third time it rang Sydney whined loudly.

“Whose phone is that? And why is someone calling at dawn?” She picked up one of my pillows and shoved it over her head.

Amanda giggled behind me. “Syd, it’s almost nine. Hardly dawn.”

Sydney fisted the pillow and tried to hit Amanda without turning towards her and ended whacking me in the face instead.

“Hey! Leave me out of your lovers quarrel!”

“It’s your phone, stupid,” groaned Sydney, raising the pillow again. I sat up quickly, grabbing the pillow out of her grasp, and hit her back.

“Pillow fight. Hot,” said a deep voice from the doorway. We all froze and looked up to see a tall, muscled guy propped against the door frame. His dirty blonde hair was buzzed short and his bright blue eyes looked tired, but he was wearing a smile.

“At least it’d be hot if my little sister wasn’t involved.”

“Matty!” I squealed, trying to scramble out of the bed. I ended up twisted in the sheet, and almost knocked Amanda out in the process.

His deep laugh was instantly comforting and he caught me as I jumped into his arms.  I clung to him as if he was a lifeline and inhaled deeply. He smelled like he’d been traveling, hot and stuffy, but he also smelled like my childhood and the aftershave he’d been using since he was fifteen.

“What are you doing home? I told mom to tell you not to come,” I admonished, giving him a light slap on the chest as I pulled away.

He seemed taller as I stared up at him, giving him a scrutinizing look. He’d also gotten bigger; the army continued to bulk him up even more than he had been.

He rolled his eyes in a very Thomas family-like way and tugged on a lock of my crazy bed hair.

“You’re not the boss of me.” He pulled me into another hug and looked behind me. “Hi Sydney, Amanda.”

Sydney mumbled something that sounded more like a curse than a greeting, pulling my comforter over her head.

Amanda stood, and trying to smooth out her wild hair. “Hey Matt, glad to see you home safe.”

They both looked at each other for a moment, holding eye contact until Amanda dropped her gaze to me. When she noticed me smirking at her, a blush colored her face that was almost darker than her hair. Amanda’s crush on Matthew hadn’t gone unnoticed by me over the years, although I was fairly certain he remained ignorant to it.

She pushed by us saying something about running before it got too warm. I heard her bedroom door shut, and I pulled Matthew out to the living room as Sydney’s snores started back up from my bed.

He sat on the couch and I moved towards the kitchen to put on coffee.

“When did you get in?”

He rubbed his eyes, and the tired look in his eyes transformed into exhaustion.

“About an hour ago, which is about how long I have been calling you. I found your hide-a-key above the door frame, and decided to let myself in.” He shot me a strict look before continuing. “I was able to find a flight finally, but it involved flying over night and two different connections.”

I pressed ‘start’ on the coffee maker and groaned as I moved back to the couch, slumping next to him.

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have come. This isn’t going to hurt your discharge in December is it?”

Matthew put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him. “Shut up. My baby sister needed me.”

“I’m okay- really,” I added when a look of disbelief showed on his face. “I just want to get back to life.”

“I can somewhat understand that,” he yawned and pulled me closer. A door closed down the hallway and Amanda emerged in her running clothes, with her long locks pulled into a ponytail and her ear buds draped around her neck.

“I’m going to go run. I put my change of clothes in your room, Mads. Matt, you can take my bed since Sydney has occupied Maddie’s. You look like you could use a nap.” She slipped her feet into her running shoes and bent over to tie them. I didn’t miss Matthew’s subtle inspection of her body in her tight running capris.

“Thanks Amanda,” he said, snapping out of his reverie as she straightened up. “A shower and a couple of hours sleep sound fantastic.”

She nodded, gave a smile, waved, and was out the door.

“Quit checking out my friend,” I teased, attempting to pinch his flab-less stomach.

He gave me a guilty grin and wiggled his eyebrows. “She definitely has changed since you first started bringing her around.”

I rolled my eyes. “A 13-year-old and a 21-year-old don’t have a lot in common body-wise.”

He laughed and squeezed me again. “No, they certainly don’t. Speaking of, I missed your birthday last month.”

“I had to serve at a party that night anyway, it wasn’t a big deal.”

“You’re such a party animal.” Matthew stifled another yawn and I stood up, tugging on his arm in a feeble attempt to get him up too. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“Just make it home safe and we’ll consider ourselves square. I’ll get you a towel and you can get some rest.”

He stood and picked up his rucksack before following me down the hall. He dropped his bag in Amanda’s room and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek in exchange for the towel before he stepped into the bathroom and closed the door.

I tiptoed into my room to grab my cell phone. Sydney was spread out across the bed, taking up every inch of the queen sized mattress as she slept.

I snuck back out and poured myself a cup of coffee from the kitchen, taking it to the couch. Going through my phone I saw I had eight missed calls from Matthew, and a one from Detective Wilson that came through just a half an hour before.

My hand shook as I pressed the voicemail button and brought the phone to my ear.

“Hi Maddie, this is Detective Wilson. I want to talk to you about something concerning your case from last weekend. If you could please call me back at your earliest convenience, I would appreciate it.”

I just stared at my phone, and took several deep breaths to try to calm my racing heart. I quickly punched her number on the phone and it only rang twice before she picked it up.

“Wilson.”

“Um, hi. Detective Wilson, this is Maddie Thomas. I’m just returning your call?” Her brisk greeting had caught me off guard and I realized that I probably sounded like an idiot.

“Oh Hi, Maddie,” her tone instantly warmed. “Thanks for calling me back. How are you doing?”

“I’m okay,” I winced as I realized how much I was repeating ‘I’m okay’ to people lately.

A silenced passed between us before she spoke again. “Did you give any thought to that card Detective Bradley gave you?”

I stared at my fingernails for a moment before sighing. “I did. And I will probably call. My friend also gave me some support group information.”

“Good,” she replied, sounding pleased. “Support groups can be just as beneficial as independent counseling. Try at least one of them, okay?”

I nodded, but I realized she couldn’t see me. “Okay.”

Seemingly satisfied she continued. “That’s not the main reason I was calling, though. I wanted to let you know that the DNA results came back from the semen and blood samples we collected.”

My heart pounded and I set my mug on the coffee table in front of me.

“He’s not in the system, Maddie, but that doesn’t mean we won’t find him.”

A stifled whimper fell out of my mouth, and I let my head fall back on the couch.

“Maddie, please don’t give up. We still have the sketch you gave us and we are looking for him. Once we find him we will be able to match his DNA to the samples we have. We are doing our best, okay?”

“Yeah,” I whispered into the phone. “Thanks Detective.”

“You need me, you call me. Day or night, Maddie.”

“I will.”