Second Sight (28 page)

My shoulders relax against him, and I close
my eyes, resting against him. “What of the other angels?”

“
Their energy is scattered,
thanks to your sacrifice.” He leans against me, and I hear the
labor in his breath. His grip is weakening; I can feel it. But when
I look down, I realize the bleeding has slowed considerably.
Whatever he is doing is working.

“
What happened in the
kitchen? What did Evan do to me?”

Lev licks his parched lips. “He broke the
mental connection Kane had on you, which made your thoughts your
own again. Otherwise, you would have gone into this nightmare
believing he was justified in acting against me. He would have
convinced you to kill me.” Lev looks down, purposely avoiding my
eyes, and I feel him shift uncomfortably beneath my weight.

“
I can’t believe I would
have done it. I won’t believe that.” I know my words are more for
my benefit than Lev’s; I desperately need them to be true. I don’t
want to be that monster. Judging from the way he won’t meet my
gaze, he doesn’t believe me. “I wouldn’t have, would I?”

He slowly looks up, dazed. “It’s hard to say,
and we’ll never know.” He licks his lips again.

“
But what do you think?” I
press, staring hard at him.

“
He would have twisted
everything to make you think the only way to save yourself and
those you loved was to kill me and ultimately Evan, and Celia as
well. He would have taken every shred of truth and ripped it from
your life until it was too late and you couldn’t escape what you
had done. Then he would have taken the blinders off and showed you
the error of your ways.”

An image of Lev dying at my hand leaves me
cold, and a shudder runs through me even his warmth cannot quell.
Even though he seems focused on dealing with my wound, I know he
feels me shaking. Lev has always known more about me than anyone. I
close my eyes and try to swallow the enormous guilt, but it blocks
my throat and I can’t choke it down.

“
There’s no point in
dwelling on it, Elizabeth; it will only hurt you.” He’s staring at
the slowly healing spot on my chest where the pain is
diminishing.

“
How can you look at me
after this?” I whisper.

The pressure of his hand falters at my words,
and he blinks.

“
Lev?” I can feel the
rising panic and self-disgust. It’s like somebody has opened the
flood gates in my mind and the water has started pouring in with no
way to escape.

“
I forget how transient
humans can be,” he mutters and pulls his hand away to reveal a
splotchy but healed mid-section.

“
Meaning?” I stare at the
skin. Part of me wonders if there will be a scar to mark this
moment. Or will my body completely recover?

“
There will be a scar.
There is only one being who can heal without leaving a mark. I’m
just his angel, nothing more.” He grabs a towel from the floor
nearby.

“
What did you mean about
humans being transient?” I look at my shirt, saturated with blood
and wonder how I survived. What had Lev done?

“
I sped up the rate your
body produces new blood and heals itself.” As I stare, waiting for
that other answer, he shakes his head. “Elizabeth, for most humans,
love is transient. It can exist for a time and die, like any other
emotion. But angels don’t work that way. Whether I feel angry or
sad or anything in between, that doesn’t change my love for you.
When our emotions become as susceptible to change as humans, we are
in danger of becoming too mortal for our own good. Colin and Kane
found that out, but the thing was, they embraced that transience,
and they fell. In short, I think the answer you want is would I
still love you even upon the moment of my destruction, even at your
hands, right?”

I swallow hard and find myself swimming in
those ocean eyes. “Yes.”

“
Come here.” He holds his
arms open, and I look at my bloody shirt.

“
I don’t want to get this
on you.”

He sees through the excuse and wriggles his
fingers in my direction. “Too late.” Not knowing how else to fight
the building fears, I allow myself to walk over to him and slip
into his embrace, reveling in the feel of his arms. How long have I
been waiting for this moment. I close my eyes and savor the feel of
him.

“
You are so warm,” I
murmur.

Lev slides a finger beneath my chin and lifts
it so that I have to face him, my eyes seeking out his. “Relax.
There was never a moment I wavered in my devotion to protect you
and in my desire to love you. Once you have rested, I’ll tell you
the whole of my side, and I think you will understand.”

I avert my gaze. “But how could you still
love me, knowing that I could fail so easily? That I could betray
you without you ever getting to tell me your side of things? How
could you not give up on me?”

He laughs and brushes his thumb across my
cheek. “I had a great teacher, my love.”

Stunned, I stand there, enveloped in his
arms, unaware of where we may be and past the point of caring. I
belong with Lev. Always.

He nods to the hallway and bed. “You need to
get cleaned up and get some sleep to help your body get back to
normal.”

As I realize he is starting to leave, I grab
his hand and force him to turn around. “You will be here when I
wake, won’t you?” My voice sounds desperate, and I can’t seem to
make it right.

“
Of course. Where would you
think I’d go?”

I shrug, and he walks away. Even in the dingy
light I can see the brightest shimmer of wings, and in that moment,
I know I have been touched by grace. I don’t deserve that kind of
love. But he’s not asking about what I deserve, only what I want,
and I want him, I think, heading to the shower to rinse away the
blood of my old life. You know, the one with Kane.

Chapter
Twenty
-Two

I’m still wrapped in the warmth of sleep when
I feel the first layer of unconsciousness fall away, thinning the
barrier to the waking world. Still exhausted, I force myself toward
the light. Some instinct suggests to my sluggish mind there is
something urgent about it, but what I cannot remember.

The harder I struggle, the brighter the light
I sense above, and when I finally manage to open my eyes, I see
daylight seeps in around my curtains and spills into the room.
Baffled, I look at the clock: 3:30. I do a double-take. Have I ever
slept this late? I stifle a yawn, unsure how long I’ve been out.
Even so, I might still need more sleep.

Dragging a hand across my face, I slowly sit
up and look around a bedroom I don’t recognize. Perhaps all of this
would be too weird, except that Lev lies sleeping on the other side
of the bed, one hand draped across his chest and the other placid
at his side. I wonder if angels even need sleep. Then again,
considering just how much healing me wore Lev down, he might
actually have needed to rest.

Considering the quiet and peaceful expression
on his face, I should feel calmer than I do, but there’s still this
surreal edge to it I can’t shake, and some part of me still expects
Kane to charge through that door and grab me. I shiver and close my
eyes, hoping to erase those images from my mind, but it doesn’t
work. Nothing seems to work.

Lev’s eyelids slowly flutter open, as if he
senses the fear quaking through me. Immediately, his eyes find
mine, offering solace and calm. The neutral line of his lips slowly
tugs upward as he realizes I’m awake.

“
I thought I felt you
stirring,” he murmurs, slipping one hand atop mine. “How do you
feel?” He slowly sits up, his gaze never leaving my
mine.

I shake my head. “I…I don’t know. The last
few days seem like a blurry memory. Part of me wonders how that
could be me acting so stupidly.” I look down at my hand where I
spot a cuticle—a great distraction from Lev’s unguarded eyes. I
don’t think I’ll ever get over this feeling of having let him
down.

“
You weren’t stupid,
Elizabeth. You were desperate and you needed something to believe
in.” He looks away, raking his fingers through his blond hair,
brushing it away from his face. “And I wasn’t exactly there to be
that something.” He swallows hard, and the hand which lies on the
bed clenches the comforter in a white-knuckled grip.

“
After Maguire shot you,
what happened? Why didn’t you come back to me, or at least say
goodbye?”

“
I couldn’t.” His blue eyes
find mine again, and once more I am arrested by their beauty. “No,
I’m not exactly mortal, Elizabeth. But this form is human enough,
and it is taxing when I am trapped in something no longer able to
sustain life. It weakened me and when I returned to the Upper
Realm, I was not myself. I was uncontrollable because of the sudden
separation, and Evan did the only thing he thought would help: he
erased my memories. Most of that time, I was trying to figure out
what happened and how I knew you. By the time all the pieces fell
into place, months had passed here. I had seen the pain you were
in, and tried to help, which resulted in Kane getting the dagger
and threatening to hurt you if I came anywhere near you. I kept
telling myself by now you’d be over me. It was stupid, really. But
I knew we couldn’t be together, and I had to try to convince myself
of something.”

I shiver even though the room is hardly cold.
“But I don’t understand. Why couldn’t we be together? What was so
wrong with that?”

“
It’s not that it was
wrong. It’s that…what I am puts you in danger.” He closes his eyes,
and I can tell he’s struggling to put his explanation into words.
“Not all angels are good, Elizabeth. I’m quite sure you understand
that now. But if I had tried to tell you something like this might
happen six months ago, you would probably have shrugged it off and
downplayed the danger.” I start to argue with him, but he raises
his hand and sets his fingers across my lips to silence me. “I know
you have a forgiving nature, Elizabeth. You would have given Kane
and Colin the benefit of a doubt no matter how much it unnerved you
because your nature is inherently good.”

All this feels like it’s leading to
something, and if it’s going where I think it is, Lev and I are
going to end up having one huge fight. I slowly stand and start
pacing the room just to burn away the excess energy I feel
cluttering my mind. I look at the carpet instead.

“
So, tell me this little
experimental hell has taught you something.” My voice is brittle
and weak.

“
What do you mean?” Lev
answers, rising. He steps toward me, but I don’t stop, don’t allow
him to get any closer, knowing there are things I can take and
things I can’t.

“
Tell me this time you
won’t leave.”

“
I didn’t want to leave the
last time,” he says quietly. “But sometimes it’s not about
choice.”

“
That doesn’t mean you
won’t go away again.” I level a hard gaze at him, hoping I will see
what I need in his eyes. I just can’t bear the thought of a life
without him.

He steps in front of me so our shoulders run
parallel to each other. “Elizabeth, I made a mistake. It’s that
simple. I was trying to protect you and almost lost you forever. I
don’t think I’ll ever get over that, no matter how long I exist.”
His Adam’s apple bobs slightly as he swallows, and his expression
seems stark. I’d never expected to see a frightened angel, but
there he was, right in front of me, and I was the one who’d taught
him both love and fear.

He reaches for my face, but I back away,
suddenly afraid. I don’t want to lose him again, and the closer I
get to him, the worse it’s going to hurt if he leaves.

“
Don’t,” I warn him,
stepping back. “Please.”

“
Why?” He frowns, and as he
concentrates on me, I see the glow of his wings is brighter, more
demanding. “What are you not saying?” His voice is scarcely above a
whisper, and in that instant, my indestructible angel
looks…fragile.

“
I love you, Lev. It seems
like I’ve always loved you. Maybe it was all the lifetimes we kept
finding and losing each other, or some stupid cosmic trick that
seems to come out of nowhere. It doesn’t matter. No matter how hard
I try not to love you, it won’t work. But I can’t lose you again.
If that’s what you’re planning to do, I’d rather you go now, before
it gets any harder.” My eyes burn, and I wrap my arms around my
body as if that will hold me together.

His eyes widen slightly as though he’s trying
to swallow something stuck in his throat. “Is that what you think
this is about?” Then, before I can argue, he wraps his arms around
me and pulls me close, our faces inches apart.

“
What are you
doing?”

“
Getting this straight with
you.” He leans in and kisses my forehead. “Just for the record,
Elizabeth Moon, I’m not going anywhere, no matter how hard it gets.
You are stuck with me.”

My shoulders soften, relaxing after a great
weight has been lifted, and my breath catches while I lean into
him, savoring his warmth and shelter from all the fear threatening
to strangle me. My heart races, and I feel my arms wrap around him
so tightly he grunts.

“
What’s this?”

My voice fails me, and I know I don’t have an
answer. All I know is that I am meant to be with him, and whenever
we aren’t together, I can’t think.

“
Nothing,” I whisper and
close my eyes. His arms slowly lower and wrap around me so that he
can rest his chin against my head.