Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (38 page)

Saxophonist John Germaine is a regular performer at Bradley's club and had his big break in a musical showcase for record producers.  He had recently ended a serious relationship and was reluctant to attempt cunnilingus with Elaine.  When he realized that Elaine was seriously interested in him, John wrote the song "Hot and Heavy" to describe their evolving romance.  After their first romantic dalliance, it became apparent that John’s rhythmic mouth was best equipped for the bedroom than onstage.

One of the most bizarre dates involved Jerry's friend, Phil Tatola.  While chatting in his car at the end of the evening, Elaine noticed that Phil unzipped the pant fly to expose his penis.

Fabric wholesaler, Todd Gack, surreptitiously arranged dates with women by utilizing a dating loophole--making an outlandish bet he is guaranteed to lose, and insisting that the loser buy dinner.  The bet is equivalent to asking her for a date without the rejection.  He wagered that Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars, and took Elaine to the movie
Blame It on the Rain
.  On the second "date" at O'Neal's, Todd introduced Elaine to his parents.

While vacationing in England, Elaine met Simon and used her frequent flyer miles so he could visit New York.  They quickly realized their incompatibility--Simon was pompous, lecherous and parsimonious--so Elaine eagerly awaited his departure.  Unfortunately, Jerry's Armani suit helped Simon procure an employment interview and extend his stay in New York.

Tony is a male bimbo (or mimbo), yet Elaine insisted that his gorgeous appearance and perfect face were irrelevant to her romantic interest.  When Tony was involved in a rock climbing accident that caused severe facial disfigurement, Elaine changed her tune and ended the relationship.

Elaine began dating Bob Cobb, aka "Maestro," who faithfully followed Leonard Bernstein's technique of preserving a pant crease before each performance.  Maestro treasured a poster of the three tenors (Luciano Pavarotti, Plácido Domingo, and Josè Carreras), which was autographed by his favorite tenor, Carreras.  Unfortunately, Elaine ruined the poster twice by clumsily spilling wine.

Roy Corning was a fat, starving artist, and Elaine terminated the relationship because of his obesity.  Roy was devastated and could not eat for weeks.  After he lost weight, Elaine expressed a renewed romantic interest.  Inevitably, relationship complications arose during Roy's splenectomy surgery when a Junior Mint was sewn inside his body cavity.  When his health rebounds, so does his appetite, which prompts Elaine to inevitably dump him.

Elaine had been waiting out the demise of several marriages but she was especially interested in Beth and David Lookner's three-year marriage.  When the couple legally separated, Elaine offered consolation to David, and said, "I'm there for you."  The plan worked, until George intervened to reconcile the marriage.  The marital union inevitably dissolved, and within six months Beth married Arnie, a film buff.  They contemplated adoption and listed Elaine as a reference.  Elaine intimated that Arnie had a bad temper, and when the adoption was denied, she made amends by sexually propositioning the adoption agency representative.

While Elaine was sitting at the Pendant Publishing reception desk, Jake Jarmel approached and started caressing her gabardine jacket.  He seemed like the perfect man, but they broke up when Jake failed to use an exclamation point when writing a message about Elaine's friend, Myra, having a baby.  They reunited nearly a year later and even contemplated cohabitation.  Once again, the relationship was short-lived when he discovered that Elaine purchased Jujyfruit candy before visiting him in the hospital after a car accident.  The relationship was resurrected for the last time approximately eight months later when Jake had a two-day book signing at Waldenbooks.  Kramer unwittingly told Jake that Elaine said "hi," which infuriated her because she had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship.  Elaine visited Jake to rescind the greeting and then incensed him by purchasing an identical pair of rare Malaysian glasses.

Aaron was Elaine's close-talking boyfriend who bent over backwards to ensure the Seinfelds enjoyed their New York visit.  He gave them a behind-the-scene tour of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, attended a matinee performance of "My Fair Lady," and provided a carriage ride.  Aaron was 35 years old and certifiably nice; he was so insanely congenial that Elaine broke up with him.

Despite a faltering romance with her therapist, Dr. Reston, Elaine was unable to terminate the relationship because he knew all of her patterns.  He controlled and manipulated her, like Svengali, and would not allow her to abandon the relationship.  Elaine even fabricated a romance with Kramer, but Reston ultimately convinced Kramer to step aside.  Ironically, Reston was also the treating therapist for crazy Joe Davola who was another one of Elaine's former lovers.

Elaine had only three dates with Joe Davola, who secretly stalked her from a distance--taking photographs of her leaving the office, shopping, and in the shower.  The obsessive writer had a dark room in his apartment, and his living room wall was a shrine to Elaine.  Davola accused her of being unfaithful and refused to let her leave the apartment.  In self-defense, Elaine sprayed his eyes with Cherry Binaca, and bolted out the door.

According to Elaine, Joel Rifkin is adopted, good-looking, a good shaver, and has not vomited in eight years.  Unfortunately, he also has the same name as one of the worst serial killers in New York history (strangling 18 people).  Elaine offered suggestions on changing his name, such as Dion, O.J., Ned, Ellis, or Remy; but Joel was more interested in Stuart, Todd, or Alex.  Inevitably, the selection process caused a breakup.

Ironically, Carl, a furniture delivery person for Azzari Brothers Moving & Storage, does not own one piece of furniture.  He was real, honest, unpretentious, with character and integrity, and did not play dating games.  Elaine was in love with the ideal man, but their dichotomous perspectives on the abortion issue drove an irreversible wedge in their romance.

Despite exhibiting all the symptoms--reading the
Daily Worker
, and wearing bland, drab, olive-colored clothing--Elaine was oblivious to the fact that Ned Isakoff was a communist.  His father was blacklisted when someone named names, and he used to meet comrades at Hop Sing's restaurant.  Unfortunately, Elaine's abrupt attitude toward a Hop Sing delivery person caused Ned to be blacklisted from the hallowed restaurant.

Elaine had a crush on dentist Tim Whatley and missed the chance for a New Year's Eve date due to a temporary hearing loss.  She made amends by asking him for a date and then inviting herself upstairs to his apartment (she wanted to see if he regifted a label maker that she gave him for performing free dental work).  Naturally, Whatley construed the advancement as a sexual proposition, and invited her to the Super Bowl.  When Elaine explained the miscommunication, their future relationship appeared tenuous.

In a bold effort, Elaine attempted to persuade Robert to "change teams," i.e., renounce homosexuality for a heterosexual relationship.  Although gay men are only comfortable with their own equipment, Elaine was so desperate for a man that she was willing to venture into uncharted waters.  After convincing Robert to defect, Elaine proclaimed that she found the perfect man--nothing but sex and shopping.  Unfortunately, the conversion did not last because Elaine could not compete when women only have access to the equipment 30-45 minutes a week, whereas other men own the equipment and have access 24-hours a day (which is why they rarely lose players).

Elaine's oldest paramour was 66-year-old Owen March, a prominent author and essayist.  She gave reverence to his intellect, and his articulation was like reading passages from his novels.  After seven dates and a sexual interlude, Elaine was about to attempt a face-to-face breakup when Owen suffered a stroke.  Elaine was upset because she was five seconds from breaking up with Owen, and now she had to care for him during the convalescence.  A short time after the inevitable breakup, she met Owen on the subway where it was revealed that he was merely using Elaine for sex.

Elaine had a brief romantic encounter with Ed, a Seattle businessman, after sharing an interpersonal experience and going out a few times.  She invited him to visit for a week and he drove her insane.  Elaine anxiously awaited his departure, but a five-car pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard prevented Ed from leaving New York.

Brett owned a furniture manufacturing firm that produced items designed by Carl Farbman, and he was mesmerized and entranced by The Eagles’ song "Desperado.."  Elaine was determined to find a song they could share, but he refused to share "Desperado" and did not like "Witchy Woman."

After one walking date in the park, Hal Kitzmiller had a customized mattress delivered to Elaine's apartment.  Elaine thought he was aggressively pushing the relationship until realizing that it was a gift to help her posture.  For 15 years Hal had a bad back so he only purchased furniture at The Lumbar Yard, an ergonomic store.

Elaine's blind date, Alan Mercer, was stabbed by an ex-girlfriend.  Elaine believed there must be something exciting about Alan if he was able to invoke so much passion in a woman--it is a compliment to be stab-worthy.  Following another assaultive incident with an ex-girlfriend, Elaine discovered that Alan was a bad breaker-upper.  When she ended the romance after one date, Alan indicated that her head was too big for her body, which happened to go well with the bump on her nose.  After one too many insults, Elaine stabbed him in the forehead with a fork.

Despite shaving his head for the hell of it, Kurt actually had thick, lustrous chestnut brown hair with auburn highlights.  The thought of dating that hair simply thrilled Elaine.  After three years, Kurt decided to grow his hair for Elaine.  When the growth pattern indicated balding, Kurt became depressed and soon resembled George in appearance and demeanor.  George confirmed the classic horseshoe balding pattern and gave Kurt 10-14 months of good coverage.  In desperation, Kurt proposed marriage but Elaine wanted a longer engagement to make her friends jealous.  She seriously contemplated the proposal until Kurt was sentenced to 10-14 months for assaulting a police officer (he was upset when the officer mistook him for George and accused Kurt of aiding and abetting a fugitive, i.e., George's girlfriend, Celia.)

While dining at Monk's Café, Elaine met Jack, a.k.a. The Wiz, in a fairy-tale, love at first sight moment.  Jack was a fact checker for
New York Magazine
, but previously appeared in television commercials for Wiz, an audio/appliance store.  Elaine was able to cope with this revelation, but ended the relationship when he was rehired as The Wiz.

In 1995 Elaine dated Peter Ranawat, who subsequently became engaged to Sue Ellen Mischke.  The future groom returned to India and changed his name to Pinter, and the wedding ceremony was held in his homeland.  His parents, Usha (mother) and Zubin (father), did not attend, but Elaine arrived and was inexplicably asked to be the maid of honor.  Although these spiteful childhood rivals temporarily made amends, the friendship ceased when George revealed that Elaine slept with the groom.

Glenn was a man of mystery--he never discussed his occupation, address, or personal information.  Elaine speculated that he was married, and even considered dating him because it would probably be the closest she would come to matrimony.  When she discovered that Glenn was indigent and on welfare, she felt contrite ending the relationship over money.  As she prepared to write a check for $300, he sweet-talked her by claiming that she was "the bear claw in the garbage bag of his life."  Elaine furnished his apartment, and then met Alison, Glenn's wife.

Darryl is best remembered as the boyfriend that transcended racial barriers.  Jerry believed Darryl was black, so Elaine investigated various clues: African artwork, dark complexion and curly black hair.  Ironically, Darryl also thought they were an interracial couple (that Elaine was Hispanic) after analyzing her clues: the surname Benes, curly dark hair, and eating Spanish cuisine.

Relationships - Miscellaneous

Elaine had numerous romantic relationships that were not as noteworthy: a stationary store employee went out of his way to acquire a mechanical pencil; Carl was turned off by body odor that affixed itself to Elaine's hair after riding in Jerry's smelly car; Fred performed volunteer work for a church on Amsterdam Avenue; Dick was a coworker at Pendant Publishing, and fell off the wagon after two years of sobriety when Jerry accidentally switched his beverage with an alcoholic drink; and Blaine broke up with Elaine because she did not like
The English Patient
.

Relationships - Potential Dates

Elaine inadvertently arranged a date with Jimmy, a member of the New York Health Club, to attend Mel Torme's concert for AMCA (Able Mentally Challenged Adults).  Elaine thought she was inviting Hank, a gorgeous blond, but he turned out to be gay.

Greg, an airline pilot, also had a health club membership.  Elaine was romantically interested because he never paid attention to her.  Problems developed when she began receiving mixed signals--he gave her an open-mouth kiss and then wiped her water bottle spout before drinking.  The relationship expired when he expressed interest in another woman and discovered that Elaine was friends with the shower urinator (George).

Similarly, Fred Yerkes had appeal because he could not remember anything about Elaine.  They met at Katie Ash's party, and Fred remembers everything about the evening, except Elaine.  He asked her for a date, and then stood her up.  When they finally dined together, Elaine realized that Fred was demented.

One admirer, Ricky, a mannequin designer, met Elaine on the subway and was impressed with her interest in
TV Guide
.  He too was a
Guide
fan, and his favorite issue was the special fall preview edition.  Ricky was so infatuated with Elaine that he created a mannequin that resembled her appearance, the TR-6, which he refers to as "Elaine."