Seven (27 page)

I wipe the traitorous tears from my face, demanding myself to not be such a damn pussy. When I look up I see Rachel first, whose expression is one of befuddlement. When I glace at Mrs. Sanders, I see the glistening of tears run down her face just as it did me, except she doesn’t seem sad. She looks…grateful?

“Praise God for whom all blessings flow,” she whispers through her small smile.

“I’m sorry? I don’t…understand.”

“What are the chances is right, Bryant. Honey, I am a believer in miracles and in our Lord’s divine intervention and this, this is the Lord’s work,” she says. “Your baby girl’s life was saved because Jesus needed little Peyton and she didn’t need her body anymore. God was able to provide for Ivy through Peyton and if you ask me, that’s a miracle if I ever heard one.”

What the hell do I say to that? Savannah told me a couple months ago that her parents were devout Christians but I had no idea. For once, I’m speechless. Grateful, but speechless. I shake my head slowly, the guilt of Savannah’s pain still heavy on my shoulders. “I love your daughter,” I say to both of her parents. “But she’s lying in this bed because of this truth. She found the letter she wrote tucked away in my t-shirt drawer. I don’t even remember putting it there. It was an accident but it was too late. I couldn’t stop it. She read it and it upset her and…she…left. I pleaded with her to not go out in the rain but she was adamant. She didn’t want to talk to me anymore.”

Mr. Sanders clears his throat, which causes me to look in his direction. “Is that why you sought her out? Out of guilt? You feel bad for her? ‘Cause I imagine that’s what set her off, Son. She doesn’t like anyone pitying her.”

“No, sir. It’s not like that,” I say softly. I sit down next to Savannah, taking her chilled hand in my own, watching her body rise and fall with the ventilator. “I do feel horrible for her, because I vaguely understand the pain she went through, but I had a crush on your daughter all through high school. I kicked myself then for doing nothing about it. She was too smart for me, books and cleverness…I just played football. Now…she walked into my life again a few months back and since then I’ve fallen in love with her. And before last night I could honestly tell you that she loved me, but now…I don’t…this is all my fault.”

“Give her some time,” Mr. Sanders says, prompting me to look at him again. His brown eyes are intimidating, but sad, like this life is exhausting him mentally, spiritually, and physically. “She’ll come around eventually. She’s stubborn like her father, but you’ve been good for her. We could see her old spirit coming back. I imagine you have a pretty large part in that.”

“Thank you, sir. I would give her anything.”

“Then that’s all I need to hear. You’re a good man, Bryant. You’re good for Savannah. Her mother and I can clearly see that.”

I nod silently with my head down because it’s taking everything I have inside to not get choked up by his words. A silent tear defies me as it slips down my cheek and on to the floor.

“Bryant,” Mr. Sanders places his hand on my shoulder, squeezing just enough to tell me he’s sincere in his compassion. My body starts to tremble when he I feel the comfort of his hand. He could be punching me in the face, screaming at me to leave this room, to never see his daughter again, but instead, he did the opposite. He gave me his blessing to love his daughter. I’m the most unworthy man for this, yet overwhelmingly thankful at the same time. “Son, it looks and sounds to me like you need to understand something very important, so you hear me when I tell you that none of this is your fault.” He squeezes my shoulder a little harder. “Do you hear me?”

Sometimes we refuse to realize how strongly something impacts our lives until it completely destroys us. The pressure of hiding an important truth from everyone in my life, the endless feeling of guilt every time I was with Savannah, the weight of knowing that Ivy’s life rests in my hands, and now the fear of possibly losing the one woman who was meant for me – it’s all too much for one man. Hearing Savannah’s father tell me that none of this is my fault breaks me into pieces. I sit in the chair next to Savannah, her father’s hand on my shoulder, and I sob silently. My body shudders as I try to wipe away the tears that just keep coming.

Damnit.

It was never my intention to come here and break down, but I suppose when the heart needs to speak we damn well better listen to it.

“Savannah is a strong-willed woman,” Mr. Sanders says. “She’s brave and she’s compassionate and usually has a good sense of what she wants in this life. She didn’t cause the shit storm she’s been through and neither did you. I hope you understand that. You’ve both weathered your own individual storms over the past few years and neither one of you came out of those storms the same people you were when you went into them.”

Through my tears I try to smile as I nod in agreement. “That is definitely a truth, sir. We are definitely not the same people we were.”

“Well Son, as you get older, you’ll only regret the chances in your life that you didn’t take, so thank you for taking a chance on our daughter, for trying to protect her. For bringing her spirit back to us a little more every. It’ll be another uphill battle for a while but I think you’re well suited for the job.”

I wipe another stray tear from my face as I stand up. I extend my arm to shake Mr. Sanders’s hand but he pulls me in for a hug. He pats me on the back before letting go and then says, “Margie, let’s go get some coffee. Bryant and Rachel will want some time alone with Savannah.”

“Good idea. I could use a walk anyway. We’ll be back soon. You two make yourselves comfortable.”

“Thank you,” we both say.

Chapter 30

Savannah

It’s beautiful here. The field is so vast and open. It looks like I can walk for miles and miles and never walk out of the field. The wild flowers blowing in the wind create a vibrant splatter of color against the clear blue sky. I walk a little farther ahead, picking flowers as I go, wrapping them together into a crown. I’ve always wanted to wear a wild flower crown. Maybe I could make Ivy one the next time I see her. As I gather a few more flowers I hear the laughter of children playing. I follow the sound until my eyes reach a beautiful ranch house with a semi-wrap-around porch overlooking a gorgeous patch of roses. There are rose bushes of all kinds, but what surprises me the most are the purple roses growing amongst the red, pink, yellow, and white ones. Purple roses are my favorite. I can’t remember if I ever told anyone that before.

Finally, when I make my way through the rose bushes, I feel a familiar pull in my heart to what I see before me. Ivy and two little girls are playing together, giggling as they trade roses of different colors, picking the petals off of each stem and throwing them in the air like colored confetti. Ivy faces me while the other two have their backs to me. I smile at Ivy and the girls as I calmly walk around their circle to see what the girls are up to.

“Mommy!” One of them yells. I watch as she gets up and begins to run excitedly to…me.

Peyton?

I look around quickly in case I’m wrong in thinking she’s running to me. Perhaps there is someone standing behind me that I hadn’t noticed, but it’s just me. Bewildered I watch her as she runs to me. Her hair is longer with beautiful bouncy curls but those eyes…I would remember those eyes anywhere.

It’s her.

“Peyton?” I cry out. “Oh my God! Peyton?! Is it really you?”

“Mommy!” she yells again. She runs right into my arms as I scoop her up and refuse to let go. Her smell, the feel of her wrapped around my neck, all of it…it’s heaven.

Heaven.

Wait…

I squeeze Peyton’s body a little bit and she giggles, thinking I’m playing a game with her. In reality, I’m squeezing her to make sure she’s real. I shouldn’t be seeing her like this. Something isn’t right.

“Vannie?”

I gasp audibly. There’s only one person in the whole world who has ever called me “Vannie.” There’s no way he could be here. Sure enough I turn towards the house and he’s there, in the flesh, walking towards me wearing the most reverent smile.

“Shawn?”

“Yeah baby. Were you expecting someone else?” He walks out and hugs both Peyton and I together. We’re all here, finally. Together again as a family. I can’t take my eyes off of either of them. Peyton has changed so much but Shawn, he still looks every bit the good looking husband I married so many years ago. Time has been good to him.

“I missed you both so, so, so, much. Oh, God it feels so good to just touch you!” I lean up and kiss Shawn while holding onto Peyton. His lips are warm and comforting, but they don’t quite feel the same. They don’t feel like the lips I’ve kissed recently.

Bryant’s lips.

Suddenly my body stiffens and I close my eyes, assuming that when I open them again I’ll realize that this was all a dream. A not too shabby dream, but a dream nonetheless. My eyelids lift and I’m still in Shawn’s arms, holding tightly to my beautiful baby girl who still smells of strawberries and birthday cake…just as I remember her. Guiltily, I glance at Shawn, who is watching me with understanding in his eyes.

“Let’s take a walk,” he says.

“Mommy can I go play?” Peyton asks me. I don’t want to let go of her for fear of losing her again, but I can’t just keep her to myself either. She’s so happy with her friends.

“Sure baby. Who’s your other friend?” I nod to the third girl in the circle. Her beautiful hair is holds similar bouncy curls to Peyton’s except that hers are blonde. She looks up and I catch a glimpse of her face. Big brown eyes, soft rosy cheeks, and a smile that could light up a room. She’s a beautiful little girl. They’re all beautiful little girls.

“That’s my friend Rose. Love you, Mommy!” She kisses my cheek and runs off to play.

I watch in awe as she rejoins her friends. “How did she get so big?” I ask, shaking my head.

“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” Shawn asks.

When I turn back towards him he takes my hand and leads me away from the girls so that we can be alone. “Are you okay?” he asks.

“Yeah, I’m okay. God, I’ve missed you. I never thought I would see you again.” I wrap my arms tightly around his body, savoring his warmth.

“It’s good to see you too.” He is quiet for a moment before he continues. “Vannie, listen. I’m sorry we left you. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough for you. I never meant for any of it to happen, but you’ve been so strong…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second.” I interrupt. “What do you mean you’re sorry? You’re right here, Shawn. I don’t…” I shake my head nervously. “I don’t understand.”

“The accident Vannie. Remember? We were in a car accident. It was black ice, remember? Our car flipped and went over the median. I’m so sorry Vannie. I couldn’t stop it and I wasn’t strong enough for you. Peyton wasn’t strong enough for you.”

Visions of our car accident flood my brain.

Car accident.

Again.

Bryant.

“Where’s Bryant?” I ask cautiously.

Shawn shakes his head. “He wasn’t in an accident, Vannie. You were.”

I look around where we’re standing again. In front of Bryant’s house…which is surrounded by fields of wild flowers and bushes of purple roses. No horses, no farming fields, no woods to the side of the house.

“So am I dead now? Is that why I can see you?”

“I don’t know babe. Looks like you were beat up pretty badly.”

“I don’t feel like I’ve been beat up,” I say matter of factly.

“Look, I don’t think we have much time.” Shawn says. “So I need to say a few things to you, okay?”

“What do you mean? Why are we running out of time? Tell me what’s happening,” I plea.

Shawn holds my face in his hands and looks into my eyes. “Savannah Turner I need you to understand that no matter what happened to Peyton and me, or what happens to you soon, none of it is your fault. It was a tragic case of wrong place, wrong time and it is what it is. I don’t want you dwelling on the past. You have too much to live for.”

“What do you mean, Shawn? I don’t want to live without you, or Peyton. You’re scaring me.”

“I’m not trying to scare you Vannie. I’m trying to tell you that it’s okay. If you make the right choice, you’re going to be okay and then you can spend the rest of your life with Bryant and Ivy and whoever else might come along in your future.”

I watch in horror as he mentions Bryant’s name, like he’s known all along that I’ve had an affair, but he answers my expression with sympathy. “Savannah, Bryant loves you. Ivy loves you. I love you too, but I don’t want to see you give up. I don’t want to see you throw everything away when everything you’ve ever wanted is right in front of you. You only live once, Vannie. Take the chance on love again and don’t look back. You deserve to be happy and he can make you happy.”

“But I’m with you now. Why can’t things just go back to the way they were before? You’re here. Peyton’s here…”

“But you can’t stay here,” Shawn says quietly.

“What? Why?”

“Because it’s not your time Vannie. One day, we’ll all be together again and when that day comes we’ll be here, Peyton and I, to welcome you home but for now…Vannie, it’s not your time. You have to go back.”

Weeping, I shake my head and say, “I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back. I can’t do this again. I’m not as strong as everyone thinks I am.”

Shawn’s hands smooth over my head and my face. “Yes you are baby. You’re the strongest woman I know. You can do this. Your body will heal. Your spirit will heal and Bryant will be there with you the entire time. Let him help you. Let him love you. Trust me when I tell you that I want you to let him love you. Your life isn’t over yet, so go live it. Don’t wait for moments to happen. Create them. Live and laugh, play and love, and do all those things that those inspiration posters are always telling us to do.” He smiles.

“I’m scared,” I look deep into his eyes, allowing him to see my fear completely.

Fear that I won’t heal physically.

Fear that I won’t heal spiritually.

Fear that Bryant will be mad that I left him.

Fear that I’ll forget about Shawn and Peyton.

Shawn smiles tenderly and leans forward to softly kiss my forehead. “It’s okay to be scared, Vannie. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave, and I’m so proud of you for taking that step.”

“What if I forget you?” I cry.

“You won’t forget me babe. Peyton and I will be with you forever, right here.” He says laying his palm over my heart. I place my hand on top of his and close my eyes momentarily, basking in his warmth.

“I love you, Shawn,” I whisper.

“I love you too, Vannie. I’ll always love you.”

“I’ll always love you.”

“I’ll always love you.”

“I’ll always love you.”

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