Shades of Honor (19 page)

“Damnation!” He hadn’t known it would happen.

But the look on her face said she thought he did.

Unwilling to let her think the worst, Radford stalked after her. They would settle this ridiculous attraction to each other once and for all. No more pretending they didn’t feel it. They’d admit it, decide how best to bury it, then get on with their lives—separately.

Preoccupied with what he’d say, Radford barreled in the back door of the livery and nearly flattened Evelyn. Her eyes flashed surprise as she backpedaled. Radford caught her arms, then stumbled forward, tripping over the wheelbarrow and sending them both sprawling upon the straw-littered floor.

Jolted by the fall, neither of them had the sense to let go of the other. Like two people who hadn't seen each other in years, then unexpectedly bumped shoulders at a train station, they stared in stunned surprise.

“Are you all right?” Radford asked, unsure if it was Evelyn or the fall that left him short of breath.

Evelyn blinked and released her death grip on his shirt. “What the devil are you after?”

Her bewildered expression reminded him of what he’d come to do. “I was coming to apologize.”

“For what?” Evelyn tried to wiggle from beneath him.

Radford eased to her side and helped her sit up. “For what happened in the paddock.”

Evelyn stood and brushed herself off while Radford gained his feet. “It was an accident.”

He touched her elbow and turned her toward him. “I wanted to be sure you knew that.”

Evelyn’s face flushed and she lowered her lashes. “Of course I did. But since you plowed me over, the least you can do is brush the straw off my back.”

In the awkward silence, Radford turned her away and caught her braid in his palm. “Are you sure you’re all right?” he asked. She nodded, causing the thick, silken braid to slip across his palm. Radford let out a slow breath to calm himself. Being near her was making him crazy. He had to get out of here.

What had begun as a simple gesture to rid her hair of debris was now playing havoc with Radford’s senses. Her hair was thick and incredibly soft and the memory of seeing that disheveled, ebony mass unbound made his hands shake.
Dammit
, he should have followed his own advice and let Boyd introduce him to one of his friendly female friends, but the idea was too calculated and contemptible to execute.

Unconsciously, he wrapped the skein around his wrist and ran his free hand over the strands, feeling as bound by the silk as he would by the clasp of an iron chain.

A sprinkling of hay fragments trickled down from the loft, sparkling like gold dust as it crossed the thick shaft of sunlight slanting in the open door. The stillness of the livery should have calmed Radford, but within him raged feelings he couldn’t control.

“This has to stop, Evelyn.”

She turned to face him, her expression confused.

“Don’t look at me like that. You know what I’m talking about,” he said. “I’m attracted to you. After the kiss we shared on the porch that night, I suspect you feel something similar for me.” He watched a deep red hue spread across her face and was sorry his bold statement had embarrassed her. “We need to squelch these feelings.”

“I know,” she said, her gaze sliding away.

Radford tipped her chin until she met his eyes. “If the situation were different, I’d pursue this.”

She nodded, but didn’t speak.

“My allegiance is to Kyle.”

“So is mine,” she said, her head jerking up, her expression offended. She straightened her shirt and stepped away from him. “You should go back to the mill, Radford.”

“I can’t,” he said softly, unable to keep the pain of his loss out of his voice.

“Yes you can. You’ve got to make Kyle stop playing this game. Just tell him you’re coming back, then do it.”

Realizing Evelyn didn’t know about his confrontation with Kyle, Radford could only shake his head. “It’s not an option,” he said, then walked out the back door before he punched his fist through the wall.

 
 
o0o

Several hours later, Radford flopped upon his mattress searching for sleep, begging for it, wishing with all his soul that he could find peace in that black oblivion. But his eyes refused to stay closed and his mind continued to torment him with conversations that made his heart race.

The memory of his brothers' guilty faces staring back at him made him ache. He hadn’t been prepared for Kyle's hurtful accusations. Radford could understand Kyle’s need to protect what he'd sweated over. No one knew better than Radford the fierce urge to protect, whether it be an inconsequential possession or his very life. Radford had learned survival during the war and that instinct had perched on his shoulders, sinking its long claws in too deeply to be removed.

But he was so weary of battling and fighting and running. All he wanted was to share his life with his family, to give Rebecca the happiness a little girl deserved, and to work at something he could take pride in. The profits at the mill didn’t entice him. His years with the railroad had left him financially comfortable and he would have mentioned that to Kyle, but it dawned on him that the issue wasn't money, it was control. Kyle was more concerned with losing his position than sharing profits. Now, it was a moot point and didn’t matter anymore.

Radford flipped his pillow and folded his arms behind his head. He concentrated on keeping his breathing even and encouraged his mind to turn away from the painful confrontation with his brothers.
Think of good things,
he told himself.
Like the sound of Rebecca's giggle and the way her nose wrinkles when she’s confused.
Those thoughts made him smile and the knowledge that she was happy here comforted him.

It was because of Evelyn. Rebecca felt safe with her. But Radford didn’t. Not by a mile.

He mulled over their problem, turning it in every possible direction, but the answer eluded him throughout the long hours of the night. By morning he was exhausted and thoroughly sick of agonizing over the emotions that were draining him. On the way into the kitchen, he stubbed his toe on Evelyn's chair and gave her a growl for a greeting.

“You look tired,” she said.

“I am.” He poured a cup of coffee and took a gulp. The liquid scorched his throat and his eyes watered. “
Dammit
to hell!”

“Did you have another nightmare?”

After the incident with his brothers, Radford had heard enough references to his past. And though he despised the need to do it, he was resolved to end his personal bond with Evelyn. Today. He placed his cup in the sink and turned to face her. “I believe that's my business,” he said, trying to ignore her wounded expression as he left the house.

Throughout the morning, despite his increasing shame, Radford treated Evelyn harshly. Shutting her out was the only way he was going to keep from betraying Kyle, but Radford couldn't do that when she was all sweetness and honey. He needed her to be angry enough to want to avoid him because he'd never manage it alone.

Though she’d followed him to the livery that morning without complaint, he could see the hurt in her eyes each time she glanced at him. He wiped the sweat off his forehead. It was cool outside, but he felt hot and sweaty. Watching Evelyn’s bottom pointing in his direction half the morning hadn’t helped.

Evelyn stood up, brushed her hands against her thighs, then approached him. “This isn’t the way to do it,” she said softly. Her eyes darkened and she reached for his arm. The minute she touched him, Radford knew he was in trouble. “We’re spending too much time together. If you’d go back to the mill, I’m sure the tension would ease and we’d both feel differently in a few days.”

“Do you really believe that?” he asked, stung that she assumed the depth of his feelings were that shallow, then wondering how deep hers ran.

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “It can’t hurt.”

He shook his head, knowing that distance wouldn’t kill his attraction to her.

“Please,” Evelyn pleaded, giving his arm a squeeze. “Before we do something stupid again, go back to the mill and tell Kyle to send someone else to help me in the livery.”

“I can’t,
dammit
!” He jerked his arm free and stepped away from her. “I have Rebecca’s welfare to think about. I can’t uproot her again. And I can’t step on Kyle to get what I want.” He shoved his hair back, knowing he was going to drag Evelyn into his arms if he didn’t get her away from him. “Why don’t
you
go?” he said suddenly, determined to drive her out of the livery. “Marry Kyle now. Go live in his house. Have his children. Do whatever you need to do, but stay the hell away from me.”

Evelyn gasped and stared at him with pain-filled eyes that sliced him to the marrow, but he bit his tongue. He needed to get her away from him. Without a word, she bolted out the back door and he watched her run across the pasture. She mounted her white Thoroughbred bareback then raced across the orchard toward the house she would soon share with Kyle. Radford should have felt glad that she was going to his brother, but he wasn't glad at all. He felt nauseous and heartsick.

 
 
o0o

Evelyn slowed Gabrielle to a trot as they skirted Kyle’s mill then slowly descended into the gorge where Evelyn and Radford had gone to gather rocks only days earlier. The waterfalls rippled the surface of the pool and Evelyn slid from Gabrielle's back then yanked off her boots, eager to submerse her hot body. As she pulled off her clothes a soft breeze touched her bare skin. With arms stretched toward the sky, she lunged, diving into the crystal pool, reveling in the silky coolness against her flushed skin.

She cut the water with clean, quick strokes and swam to the falls where she perched on a shelf of shale rock that rested beneath them. Head back, eyes closed, she opened her mouth and held her breath. The cool, cleansing water rushed across her teeth and tongue, forming a much smaller version of the falls.

Wrapped in her cocoon of thunder and splatter, she lifted her hands, palms up, fingers bent, letting the liquid rush under her nails. She leaned forward, enjoying the massage on her sore muscles until the pounding falls became too much and she moved to where it dropped more softly. Through the falling water, the sun created an illusion of glittering gold reminiscent of Radford's eyes. Evelyn closed her own eyes, wanting to savor the memory of the tender man she’d known before Radford had become so hurtful. She knew what he was trying to do, but his words still cut.

Lifting her face to the water, Evelyn let it pulse across her lips as if they were being gently nibbled by Radford’s teeth. She drifted in memories of the last time she was here, when Radford's smoldering gaze mesmerized her and she thought he was going to kiss her. Her breasts formed high peaks as the turbulent water bubbled over them, and to her shame she remembered what it was like when he touched her there.

Heart pounding, Evelyn shot from beneath the falls and crossed the pool. She drove herself from one side to the other, seeking to exhaust the pressure that had spread through her body. Her arms tired and her legs cramped, but she continued until she dragged herself out of the water and stood trembling near her discarded clothing.

Exhaustion relieved the desire, but it didn't assuage the guilt she felt for thinking about Radford when she should be thinking about Kyle, because Evelyn had done the unforgivable.

She had fallen in love with Radford Grayson.

“I'll carry you over the threshold on our wedding night,” Kyle explained to Evelyn as he opened the door of their half-finished home. Though she’d peeked inside the house when she last visited the mill, this was the first time Kyle was willing to show it to her.

Evelyn followed him inside feeling as if she shouldn’t be here. Not after she had considered breaking their engagement. It had seemed the honest thing to do when she realized she loved Radford, but Radford didn’t want her. He had pointedly avoided her the past week, forcing Evelyn to ignore her aching heart.

“We have a lot to do yet,” Kyle said, closing the door behind them.

Evelyn tried to smile as she surveyed the house. It still had bare walls and partially finished ceilings, but Kyle and his brothers had accomplished an amazing amount since she’d seen it a month earlier.

Kyle guided Evelyn to the kitchen. “This is your domain,” he said, then began a rapid succession of questions that boggled her mind. He asked how many cupboards she wanted and where she'd like them placed, if she wanted drawers for her vegetables or preferred cupboards. Would she like a maple table or did she prefer oak? Would the Acme six-plate stove he’d ordered be big enough, or did she need a bigger one? He delivered the questions in the same brusque manner he used at the mill and she felt no excitement in choosing.

Shaking off her melancholy, Evelyn gave her opinion then returned to the parlor with Kyle where they decided on furniture. “The stove will sit near this inside wall to heat the house more efficiently,” he said, then pointed to a room off the parlor. “I added this other room for your father in case he changes his mind about living with us.”

Kyle was trying so hard to please her that Evelyn choked on her guilt, but God forgive her, it did not diminish her feelings for Radford.