She Comes First (20 page)

A suggested routine:

Position yourselves side by side, flat on your backs; drape your arm across her abdomen. This puts you in an ideal position to stimulate her dexterously with your fingers for prolonged periods of time, without tiring, as your arm is at rest and your wrist is supported by her pubic bone. This position also encourages you to focus on the right types of manual stimulation: gentle, rhythmic, external, as opposed to the wrong type—forceful, blunt, internal (in short, “finger fucking”).

There are three basic steps to manual stimulation:

First,
lying side by side—the base of your palm on her pubic mound, your fingers loosely draping her vulva—use a single finger (index or middle) to gently begin your exploration: trace the perimeters of her labia, both inner and outer; caress her inner thighs with your fingertips; stroke her vaginal entrance in a gentle come hither motion (actually the mirror image of this motion since your palm is facing downward), as though
skimming the surface of a pond or softly petting a cat in the area right above its nose, between the eyes.

Then gently stimulate the peak of her clitoral head with a single soft fingertip in rhythmic circles.

Next, like you’re petting the cat again, use short come-hither motions to approach the clitoral head from its underbelly (the area known as the frenulum), barely grazing her vaginal entrance.

Then, stimulating from the area just above the head where the outer labia meet—the front commissure—brush against the head in a downward motion with the soft surface of your fingernail and fingertip.

Now use two fingers to squeeze the head on either side.

Next,
take those same two fingers, reach inside her vaginal entrance, press your fingertips against her vaginal ceiling, and grab hold of her pubic bone. In this position, your fingers are wrapped against the clitoral head. Massage the area just behind the head, where a cluster of sensitive nerve fibers intersect. As opposed to the light manual stimulation of the previous gestures, this position provides a more firm, still pressure. Depending on her level of arousal, you may well feel the clitoral cuff swell around the vaginal entrance and lightly clamp your fingers.

Manual Stimulation #1

Manual Stimulation #2

Consider inserting a third finger, as long as you work up to it.

Now, still in this position—whether with two or three fingers—make small, rapid movements from left to right, massaging both her clitoral cluster and head.

Now,
remove your fingers and press the flat palm of your hand against her vulva, fully straddling its boundaries. Make your palm like a wall, and let her press into it—this stimulates the majority of nerve endings in the area of the vulva, especially those in the labia that often get neglected. Let her do the pressing. Often, in both manual and oral stimulation, men make the mistake of assuming that they need to take the lead and provide the majority of the stimulation—hence, all the fuss about tired tongues or worn-out wrists. If you ever feel this sort of fatigue, you’re probably working hard but not necessarily well. More often than not, all you need to do is provide a consistent point of resistance and pressure, whether it’s the tip of your tongue or the flat palm of your hand.

Manual Stimulation #3

Manual Stimulation #4

Lying next to her, alternate regularly between these three types of stimulation, and trust your instincts as to when to change position.

Or you might want to vary your approach and have her turn over on her stomach. Approach her from above, insert your thumb into her vaginal entrance, and use it to massage her clitoral cluster rhythmically while your index and middle fingers stimulate the head.

No matter what your approach, take your time and allow her gradually to build up the sexual tension that will ultimately be released through orgasm—perhaps sooner than later. When it comes to manual stimulation, it doesn’t matter if you’re a lumberjack or businessman—no matter what your trade, we all need strong “working hands.”

Restraint, as proposed in this book, does not involve
any
pain or danger, but rather promotes trust and titillation.

Use soft restraints: neckties, scarves, or ribbons, or go out and purchase Velcro wrist and ankle bands that are created specifically for sex play.

Try restraining her hands separately (perhaps to bedposts, if you have them) or else together. If you’re tying them together, do so above her head rather than behind her back (you don’t want to cause discomfort or cut off her circulation).

In restraining her legs, don’t make the mistake of separating them widely and tying them individually (the classic image being that of a woman’s arms and legs stretched taut and tied spread-eagle to the four corners of the bed). Instead, tie her legs together at the ankles so that she can assume a number of body positions.

A Word of Caution

• In restraining anyone—be it man or woman—
never
tie any part of the person’s neck.

• Do not cover her face, or do anything that might prevent her from breathing properly. Some people enjoy the experience of being tied and gagged, but the latter can easily be achieved in a way that does not prevent her from breathing (for example, tying a thin strip of cloth
around
her head and mouth rather than stuffing anything
in
her mouth).

• If she’s truly helpless and cannot liberate herself on her own, never leave her alone, not even for a few moments.

• Do not restrain her for prolonged periods of time.

• Always respond to any aspect of the experience that makes her uncomfortable and adjust your behavior accordingly. Sometimes her protests can be part of the fantasy, so decide on a clear signal, like a word or sentence, for clearly interrupting the experience and bringing it to a halt.

If you grapple with sexual dysfunction:

There are two variations on the standard position that are enjoyable in their own right, but also serve as an aid to those men who suffer from sexual dysfunction, specifically premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction (also known as impotence).

In the case of the former, it should be noted that cunnilingus is an intensely erotic activity, and while it does not necessarily compel the “firing” of a hair trigger as intensely as genital penetration, it can certainly lead to premature ejaculation (PE), particularly as she approaches climax.

If you grapple with PE, have her lie toward the foot of the bed, legs dangling off and vulva aligned with the edge of the bed. Place a pillow on the floor and kneel down in front of her (she can also hang her legs over your shoulders). In this position, you are able to effectively provide a full range of oral techniques while simultaneously avoiding the type of physical contact and friction against your own body that might lead you to ejaculate.

As for erectile dysfunction, some men complain of not being able to stay aroused or of losing their erection during cunnilingus. If this is a problem, adopt the main position described at the start of this chapter, with a slight variation: instead of positioning yourself between her legs, try straddling one of her legs with your own and resting your penis against her leg.

You can even apply some massage oil and rub gently against her leg throughout your session. In this way, you remain connected to body her, should find yourself amply aroused. Additionally, see
penetration
in Chapter Twenty-two for a technique that intersperses genital thrusting with cunnilingus and may help you to maintain an erection.

In Chapter Nineteen, we talked about the importance of safe sex and latex. Now it’s time to actually get out your gear and put it to good use. If you’ve already stimulated her manually during foreplay and are taking appropriate precautions, you know that you should be wearing latex gloves, perhaps ones that were bought specifically for the occasion from a sex-gear catalog such as blowfish.com. They can be purchased in various colors and textures—some are lightly powdered or lubricated—and feel less “medical” than the standard issue.

• Now it’s time for the dental dam. First off, make sure you’ve got an unused, clean one. (They’re disposable and come by the dozen so this shouldn’t be an issue.) Dams are also designed for anal play, so make sure that the one you’re using for her vulva does not come into contact with her anal area, as the latter may contain bacteria that you don’t want mingling with the former.

• Apply a few drops of
water
-based lubricant to her vulva (oil and latex don’t mix well) and place the barrier against the entire area, covering the vaginal entrance. In using a dental dam, know that she will not be able to respond to the direct moistness of your tongue. Instead, she will respond to the transmission of vibration and sensation through the latex. Almost all of the tongue techniques in this book can be implemented through a latex barrier, but it may be necessary to adjust them slightly and focus on deeper, more intense versions, since very light actions may not transmit well.

• When using a dental dam, think of your tongue as an active force for applying pressure, and also integrate your gums and teeth into the action. In terms of the first kiss, you’ll want to use the ice-cream lick described earlier, but when you reach her clitoral head, instead of brushing over it lightly with your tongue, softly press the flat surface of your front teeth against it.

When you are using a dental dam, it would be a bald-faced lie to say that your abilities as a cunnilinguist are not somewhat handicapped; they most certainly are, roughly by a factor of about 30 to 40 percent. It’s hard to make up for the loss of a wet, unfettered tongue and the electrifying sensations that it can deliver with the gentlest of touch. But it’s by no means impossible. You have to work within new limitations and compensate with creativity and perseverance. Know and accept your limitations at the outset, and you’ll be able to make up for them in other gratifying ways.

Instead of thinking of the dental dam as a barrier to sensation, employ it as a new tool to enable pleasure:

• Brush her clitoral head with the edge of the dam.

• Or insert one end of the dam inside her vagina and press up against her clitoral cluster as you wrap the remaining piece up around the clitoral area. Use both hands to “polish” the clitoris like an exquisite pearl.

There’s so much more to cunnilingus than simply the tongue: there’s the rhythmic pressure that you can apply with your teeth, gums, and lips; there’s the combination of oral and manual stimulation that you’re in a position to lavish upon her in abundant supply; there’s the focus and attention that you can pay to her process of sexual response; and finally there’s the
complete
experience of the act—the physical, mental, and emotional sum total, which is so much greater than any of its individual parts. Just because one of your actors may be partially restrained doesn’t mean you can’t still put on one hell of a show.

Question:
“I’m currently dating a few different women, so I guess you could say I’m not monogamous, at least not now. I’m at a point in my life where I just want to have fun, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want the fun to be safe, so I use a latex barrier when going down on a girl. The tricky part is keeping the barrier in place while trying to use my fingers inside her vagina. I wish I had four hands—two to keep the latex in place, and another two to finger her with. Any suggestions?” (Chad, 34)

Answer:
The issue you raise regarding latex barriers, namely keeping them in place and not being able to use your fingers for manual stimulation, is probably the single greatest complaint that’s leveled against them—that, and the reduced sensation that often accompanies their use.

Some folks have tried to devise fairly original ways for keeping the barrier in place. Such innovations include: using dental dams in combination with tight-fitting “crotchless” panties; wrapping small elastic garter straps around each thigh and then attaching them to the respective corners of the dental dam. I’ve even heard of people making panties out of Saran Wrap. I’m not going to go to the effort of describing these various “jerry-rigs” (use your imagination) because frankly I haven’t heard any raves on their behalf and they just seem downright silly.

Sometimes it helps if she holds the dam in place while you apply tongue strokes, but probably the best solution is simply to get comfortable holding the barrier in place with one hand while using your free hand to manually stimulate her. I know that doesn’t solve your problem, so I’m going to suggest that you approach the challenge in a new way: rather than focus on how to “free up” your hands, focus on how best to stimulate her clitoral cluster while using your hands to keep the barrier in place.

• Start with a dildo (a soft, plastic replica of the male penis that comes in various sizes and textures); buy one with a thick tapered head (at least a couple of inches in diameter) that will fit snugly inside her vaginal entrance.

• Insert the head of the dildo (the first couple of inches) into her vaginal entrance. It should fill her without being uncomfortable, and expand the area of her frenulum, as would happen during intercourse. Most important, the dildo should remain secure inside her without requiring the assistance of your hands.