She Comes First (21 page)

• Hold the dental dam in place and use your thumbs to massage her frenulum while you apply tongue strokes to the clitoral head.

• Apply delicate tongue strokes to the clitoral head; her clitoral cuff should tighten around the dildo, particularly if you’ve introduced it after building up substantial sexual tension.

• Or, using a standard-size vibrator, slowly insert it most of the way into her vaginal entrance. Only the base of the vibrator, and an inch or two of the shaft, should protrude. Set it to a low vibration. You’ll find that as you hold the dental dam in place, you should be able to push down on the base of the vibrator with your chin, or one of your wrists, and gently massage her.

Finally, if you and your partner(s) are serious about your cunnilingus (and also have a sense of humor), think about purchasing a device called “The Accommodator,” otherwise known as a “chin-dong.” The Accommodator is a strap-on dildo that fits onto the end of your chin and is secured with elastic headbands (like a catcher’s mask). When wearing a chin-dong, you literally look as though you have a penis growing out of your face, so get ready for some laughs. But a chin-dong does the trick in that you can easily manipulate it and apply tongue strokes at the same time. The Accommodator can be purchased at sextoys.com.

The truth is that you don’t
have
to avoid oral sex just because she’s menstruating, but you may be inclined to. In general, both men and women are sensitive to issues of taste, odor, and hygiene when it comes to cunnilingus, and these sensitivities are amplified when she’s experiencing her period. But thanks to the invention of the simple tampon, you can give her flow-free, spine-tingling head 365 days a year (assuming she’s
game, of course; some women experience a marked decrease in sexual desire when they’re menstruating, while others feel a substantial increase. It all depends upon her unique chemistry).

• Prior to foreplay, let her insert a fresh tampon and clean off the area of her vulva with a washcloth.

Now you’re ready to go, and can implement most of the tongue techniques discussed in this book.

• As always, focus on gentle, light movements and the application of rhythmic, persistent pressure.

• It makes sense for the applicator string to be pulled down and generally out of the way, although sometimes the string can be used to great effect to caress and swipe the clitoral head in combination with your tongue.

• You’ll want to hold off on the full use of your fingers, but that’s okay since the tampon is actually their proxy. As you lead her through the process of arousal, her pelvic muscles and clitoral cuff will tighten around the tampon and help to stimulate the orgasm. The tampon will also apply pressure against her clitoral cluster.

• Just because you’re not inserting your fingers doesn’t mean you can’t use them around her vaginal entrance, labia, perineum, and anal area. And if you want, you can tuck a finger in under the tampon, and help to press it against her clitoral cluster and clitoral cluster. Even with a single finger inside her, the experience will remain flow-free.

There’s no reason why she shouldn’t be able to experience an orgasm in this manner. In fact, the efficacy of this technique just goes to show that the female orgasm is largely produced through stimulation of the dense clitoral nerve endings that populate the surface of the vulva and are unobstructed by the tampon.

In terms of the Scarlet Kiss and your safe-sex routine, even if you’re using latex, know that the likelihood of both transmitting and receiving an STD rises when she’s menstruating, as viral bacteria, such as HIV, are more prevalent in her blood. So, even if you’re using the tampon method in combination with a dental dam, you may want to consider avoiding cunnilingus altogether during her period if you are also engaging in the Protected Kiss.

Question:
“I really want to go down on my girlfriend, but I’ve never done it before and I’m a little nervous—not about smell or anything like that, but about doing it right and pleasing her. Any advice for a first-timer?” (Eric, 21)

Answer:
Take note:

• 1.
  Make sure she’s been amply aroused during foreplay.
  
• 2.
  Take your time.
  
• 3.
  Be as gentle and rhythmic as possible. Forget everything you’ve seen in porn films, but be confident. Don’t confuse being gentle with being listless. Be strong of mind and tongue.
  
• 4.
  Focus on what you can see: her labia (inner and outer), the commissure and frenulum, her vaginal entrance, her perineum, and clitoral head; enjoy her entire vulva.
  
• 5.
  Don’t make a rush for her glans (the clitoral head); it’s extremely sensitive, so focus instead on other parts of the vulva at the outset.
  
• 6.
  Start with slow, broad strokes: up, down, left, right. Observe what works and what does not. Don’t be afraid to ask her if something feels good, but don’t hit on with a barrage of questions either.
  
• 7.
  Let her know how much you’re enjoying it; tell her how good she tastes.
  
• 8.
  Keep it simple and rhythmic. Focus on the basic routines outlined in this book. Avoid the fancy stuff; don’t worry about stimulating the clitoral cluster—for now.
  
• 9.
  Trust your instincts; relax into a meditative zone where you’re not thinking so much as doing.
  
• 10.
  Take a pleasure-focused approach, not an orgasm-focused one. She may or may not come your first time out. But that doesn’t mean she won’t enjoy herself thoroughly.
  

Question:
“My boyfriend wants to have oral sex with me, and I’m both excited and nervous: excited because it’s my first time receiving it and I don’t know what to expect, but also because I’ve never had an orgasm during intercourse.
I’m able to orgasm when I masturbate, just not when I’m with a guy. I’ve faked it in the past, but I really like my current boyfriend, and we’re talking about getting married, so I wanted to be up front and honest. He’s very enthusiastic about oral sex and really believes that I’ll be able to have an orgasm that way, but I just don’t know. The truth is that I’ve never let a guy do that to me, go down, because I’m not completely comfortable with a guy seeing, tasting and smelling me. Any thoughts?” (Lynn, 23)

Answer:
Your boyfriend is right. You do have a much better chance of experiencing an orgasm through cunnilingus than through genital intercourse. That’s because the clitoris is the powerhouse of the orgasm, and is best stimulated through persistent, rhythmic pressure.

Genital intercourse generally doesn’t provide the clitoris with the stimulation necessary to take you through the process of sexual response, which is why you’re able to orgasm when you masturbate.

The fact that you are able to experience an orgasm via masturbation is an extremely positive sign—if you couldn’t, you might very well not be able to come via cunnilingus either. Masturbation is the first step toward training your body and mind to work together in the production of pleasure.

So you’re definitely on the right track. You’re “wired” to orgasm.

• The main thing is to relax and take a pleasure-oriented approach. Don’t focus on your orgasm; focus on enjoying the experience. It’s great that your boyfriend is enthusiastic about cunnilingus; just make sure that he takes a pleasure-oriented approach as well, and doesn’t become fixated on your orgasm.

• Make sure you’ve engaged in ample foreplay and that you’re stimulated and ready to go. Think about the types of manual stimulation that enable you to come via masturbation.

• If a vibrator or dildo is part of your routine, you might encourage your boyfriend to incorporate it into the act. You might even want to let him watch you masturbate, or better yet, try masturbating yourself with
his
hand.

• Don’t be shy about letting him know what feels good and what doesn’t—be sure to praise him when it feels good, and be constructive when it doesn’t—when it comes to feedback in the area of sexual performance, the male ego bruises
easily.

Since you’ve never had a guy perform oral sex on you, prepare yourself for a roller coaster of physical sensations: some will feel terrific; others might feel new and strange, overwhelming, or even uncomfortable. Let
him know if you want him to change what he’s doing. As sex columnist and author Anka Radakovich writes of her first time receiving cunnilingus, “I was breaking in the front seat of my new car and got so excited by the tingling sensation that I accidentally hit the gearshift and plowed right into the garage door, smashing the front end. Imagine explaining this one to the insurance adjuster.”

As for your shyness about allowing him to see, smell, and taste you, you’re not alone, and there are some easy steps you can take to help relax you:

• Incorporate a bath or shower into foreplay; light candles; let him massage you with scented oil. But also appreciate your boyfriend’s eagerness and know that most men love the sight, taste, and smell of the vulva and get incredibly turned on when giving cunnilingus. Hopefully, your boyfriend’s enthusiasm will prove contagious and you’ll be able to ease into the experience.

• Relax, let go, and focus on your process of sexual response. Try to get into the same frame of mind as when you masturbate. Stay in touch with your body, focus on receiving pleasure, and feel your way through the process. Most women tend to fantasize much more during oral sex than they do during intercourse, so don’t be afraid to let go and allow your imagination wander.

• Also know that it may take a few attempts before you’re able to climax, so don’t get frustrated. You may get
very
close, but still not come.

• Finally, if you feel that you are close to coming, but are unable to get yourself over the edge, consider masturbating yourself the final “few yards,” especially since you know that you are able to come this way. We tend to think of masturbation as a private, sometimes even shameful, act, but the fact is that both men and women fantasize about watching their partners masturbate. Since you’ve already been open and honest enough with each other to talk freely about your inability to experience an orgasm during intercourse, you should be candid and comfortable enough in your relationship to understand the importance of masturbation. He’ll most likely enjoy watching you stimulate yourself past the point of no return,
especially
since he helped get you 90 percent of the way there.

• If you’re not open to masturbation, let him use his tongue to
take you as far as you can get down the road of arousal, and try genital penetration in the female superior position—where you get on top and have a higher degree of control over the position of his penis, as well as the rhythm and pressure that’s applied against your clitoris. A lot of women also feel more comfortable touching themselves during intercourse, so you can combine masturbation and penetration.

Above all, just try to enjoy the pleasure of cunnilingus. Even if you are unable to reach orgasm the first time around, rest assured you’re on the path toward experiencing one.

There’s absolutely no reason not to enjoy cunnilingus during pregnancy, unless her doctor has specifically prohibited her from engaging in sexual activity, say in the case of a history of miscarriage, where uterine contractions can stimulate premature labor. Oxytocin—the chemical released during sexual activity—is also released during the uterine contractions of labor. In fact, synthetic oxytocin is sometimes used to induce labor, and a doctor may even recommend sex and orgasm as way of stimulating it.

In most cases, however, cunnilingus is an important way of maintaining a healthy sex life throughout all stages of pregnancy. In fact, she’ll probably appreciate the attentions of your tongue all the more. According to
The Girlfriends’ Guide to Pregnancy
by Vicki Iodine,

“The best news about the changes ‘down below’ is that many Girlfriends feel like they live in a state of constant sexual arousal because their organs are engorged with blood. My Girlfriend Tracy says that she became nearly orgasmic if she walked very far because the action of her legs rubbing together was like never-ending foreplay.”