She Comes First (18 page)

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Authors: Ian Kerner

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43
 

B
EFORE TRANSITIONING
to genital penetration, use cunnilingus as a way of bringing her as near as possible to the point of orgasmic inevitability.

Woman on Top
 

Once she’s there, try the
female superior
position, or woman on top. This is an ideal position for her to:

 

• Position her clitoris against your pubic bone at the base of your penis and achieve the ideal amount of pressure

• Stimulate her clitoral cluster against your penis

• Control rhythm and pace

• Modulate the experience of orgasm

 

According to Masters and Johnson, “Clitoral response may develop more rapidly and with greater intensity in the female-superior coition than in any other female coital positions.” Additionally, when she’s on top, you’re doing less thrusting and are, therefore, more likely to be able to control the timing of your own orgasm.

The Coital Alignment Technique (CAT)
 

This is a sexual position designed to greatly improve a woman’s chance of orgasm through genital penetration and function as an enhancement to the standard missionary position, man on top. During CAT, the man penetrates from a higher angle than usual, placing pressure on the woman’s clitoris with the base of his penis and pubic bone. When you are performing CAT, the main thing to keep in mind is maintaining contact with the clitoris. The overall movement is much less a thrusting than a synchronized rocking back and forth with the focus on the clitoris and the base of the penis.

44
 

P
ERHAPS YOU’VE MADE
the decision to pursue a simultaneous orgasm. If you need to build up momentum during her “orgasmic peak” in order to achieve your own, do so through a “rocking” motion that keeps the base of your penis and pubic bone aligned with her clitoris.

Don’t feel pressure to be overly inventive. The ability to achieve simultaneity often comes from the intuitive sense of knowing and understanding that develops in a committed relationship. From this perspective, it should come as no surprise that, according to the
Sex in America
survey, three out of four of married women say they always or usually reach climax during sex, compared to fewer than two out of three of single women. In large part, the success of the married vs. the unmarried comes from an understanding of each other’s body and the knowledge of what works and what doesn’t.

In this sense, in a committed relationship one experiences the
joy of repetition. You are no longer focused on learning how to satisfy; you know how to satisfy. You don’t need to think about it. In this loss of self-consciousness, you can trust your bodies to find their way to mutual pleasure, and, in doing so, release yourselves to a purer state of sexual being.

Kierkegaard wrote, “Hope is a charming maiden that slips through the fingers, Recollection is a beautiful old woman but of no use at the instant, Repetition is a beloved wife of whom one never tires.”

Whether married or not, great sex often comes from the appreciation of repetition and the enjoyment of what you have.

45
 

A
LMOST EVERY GREAT WORK
of dramatic art follows its climax with a return to order, a restoration of balance, and a sense of closure. Sometimes it’s just a short scene, a single instant, a brief ride off into the sunset, but in that flash of a moment we are left with a pervasive sense of calm and well-being, a comforting feeling that all is right with the world. In this sense, the experience is never really over.

A great session of sex, oral or genital, is no different. After the hurly-burly and hullabaloo of the climax—the denouement of our respective orgasms—we need to establish a moment of calm, a period of rest, a settling of the ground beneath us. To put it bluntly: when all is said and done, don’t just roll over or get up and head to the fridge. Just because you’ve both experienced your fill of orgasms doesn’t mean the play process is over. Just as you put fifteen minutes or more into foreplay, you need to put some quality time into
moreplay. Don’t get caught in the snuggle gap! Whether you hold each other in embrace, kiss and touch, or simply talk, moreplay is about staying connected. Moreplay is not rolling over and going to sleep, or jumping out of bed to make that “important” phone call.

To borrow a phrase from the pioneering sexologist Theodore Van de Velde, it’s in the moments subsequent to orgasm when a man proves whether or not he’s an “erotically civilized” adult.

Don’t put a damper on an otherwise brilliant performance. An extra fifteen minutes spent cuddling, snuggling, and whispering sweet nothings is the path to greatness, the road to the sexual “big leagues”; whereas coming and then
going
is a one-way ticket to Palookaville.

Don’t take this moment for granted. Stay focused, and stay connected. Ride off into the sunset together. And get ready for a brave new dawn…

46
 

“Full of belief, sustained and elevated by the power of purpose, armed with the rules of grammar, you are ready for exposure.”

—Elements of Style

 

A
S YOU VENTURE FORTH
into an
amazing
session of cunnilingus—thoroughly acquainted with her sexual anatomy; equipped with an understanding of her process of response; and versed in a range of techniques for stimulating her—remember:

• Make sure she’s amply aroused. Spend the time during foreplay to establish a strong foundation of sexual tension.

• Before you apply the first oral kiss, make sure you’re both in positions that can be sustained comfortably throughout the entire process of sexual response.

• When applying your oral techniques, focus on stimulation rather than penetration. Apply gentle, rhythmic tongue strokes. Remember: all those sensitive nerve endings that contribute to her orgasm are right there at the tip of your tongue.

• Express the Three Assurances of cunnilingus persistently throughout your session: 1) Going down on her turns
you
on; you enjoy it as much as she does. 2) There’s no rush; she has all the time in the world; you want to savor every moment. 3) Her scent is provocative, her taste intoxicating: it all emanates from the same beautiful essence.

• When using your fingers, don’t probe and prod; focus on fingertip pressure of key areas such the clitoral cluster.

• Remember the virtues of the flat, still tongue. Stillness can be more effective than movement.

• Be confident, not cocky. A simple, modest approach is much more effective than a flashy one.

• Cunnilingus is not something you do
to
her; it’s something you do with her. Let her move against you to create the friction she needs.

• As she approaches orgasm, maintain persistent clitoral contact. Keep her legs as close together as possible while still permitting access to her vulva.

• Stay calm, measured, and focused. Don’t lose the process; don’t let her orgasm get away from you.

• As she’s coming, embellish and extend the contractions of her orgasm with light tongue strokes.

• Always finish what you started. Cunnilingus is a complete process with a beginning, middle, and end.

• The experience isn’t over just because she’s had an orgasm. Whether you lead her to one orgasm or to many, return together to the prearoused state.

 

Most important, your style begins and ends with
who
you are, rather than with what you do or how you do it. Just as no two women will respond in the same way to the techniques described in this book, no two men will apply them in quite the same way.

 
47
 

H
ERE YOU WILL FIND
a series of routines (from beginner to advanced) that integrate and unify many of the techniques described in each phase of coreplay. These routines were not designed to be committed to memory, but rather to demonstrate how the techniques can be put into action to create a seamless session of cunnilingus. In the appendices is a blank template that you can Xerox and use to create your own routines.

When pulling it all together and implementing specific techniques, keep in mind the key elements you’ve learned that will guide your overall approach to composition. These elements of composition include:

 

• The stimulation of ten key hot spots: clitoral head and hood; mons pubis; clitoral cluster; front commissure and
clitoral shaft; frenulum; labia minora; vaginal entrance; the fourchette perineum; the anus

• Over the course of six key stages: the first kiss; establishing rhythm; developing tension; escalation; preorgasm; orgasm

• Using three main “actors”: tongue; fingers; hands

• And a variety of “supporting actors”: gums; penis (optional); sex toys and restraints (also optional; see appendices)

 

If you are a newcomer to cunnilingus and in the “beginner” phase, see the Q&A section entitled the Virgin Kiss in the Appendix. Also, in building your initial routines focus on simple tongue strokes, and experiment with using your tongue and fingers in combination. Most important, take a
pleasure-oriented
approach, not an
orgasm-focused
one, and observe what works and what doesn’t.

If you’re in the “intermediate” phase, focus on getting your tongue and hands working together and stimulating all aspects of the clitoral network, including internal areas such as the clitoral cluster. Additionally, stay attuned to her process of response and embellish her orgasm. Develop the proficiency to lead her consistently to orgasm, and make sure it’s the result of comprehensive clitoral stimulation.

If you’re in the “advanced” phase, experiment with unique new approaches that push the envelope in terms of fusing technique and intuition. Additionally, lead her down the path of multiple orgasms and integrate a simultaneous one into your crescendo.

When building your routines, let the key elements of composition guide your choices—in this way, the techniques you employ are sure to add up to a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts.

48
 

Routine 1

 

This is a basic beginner’s routine that will familiarize the newcomer with fundamental tongue strokes. It will keep finger work to bare minimum and encourage the observation of sexual response.

Level: Beginner

 

Stage 1: First Kiss

(less than one minute)

TONGUE:
Long, slow tongue stroke; bottom to top. Be as light and gentle as possible.

HAND:
Both hands under buttocks, legs partially separated. Firm grip.

Stage 2: Establishing Rhythm

(three to five minutes)

TONGUE:
Vertical halfway licks (5), followed by long tongue stroke that brushes clitoral head. Focus on labia and frenulum; only brush clitoral head on full stroke, not halfway ones.

FINGERS:
Single finger (index) inserted partially into vaginal entrance.

HAND:
Move one hand out from under butt in order to insert finger.

Use one hand to get a firm grip and straddle both cheeks.

Stage 3: Developing Tension

(five to ten minutes)

TONGUE:
Alternate vertical strokes of the tongue with horizontal strokes. On vertical strokes, try to just graze bottom of the clitoral head without fully hitting it. Focus on brushing the head on horizontal strokes. For every five vertical, do one horizontal.

FINGERS:
Maintain single finger in vaginal entrance. Focus on feeling pelvic muscles. Let your other fingers graze vulva and perineum.

HAND:
Maintain support.

Stage 4: Escalation

(three to five minutes)

TONGUE:
Continue vertical and horizontal strokes. Integrate tongue press against clitoral head. Hold for five seconds.

FINGERS:
Insert second finger into vaginal entrance. Press fingers against vaginal ceiling. Feel for clitoral cluster.

HAND:
As you support buttocks, straddling both cheeks, try to stimulate perineum with your thumb.

Stage 5: Preorgasm

(three to five minutes)

TONGUE:
Press tongue into clitoral head. Focus on pressure, slow down tongue stroke as you provide resistance. Let her move against your tongue.

FINGERS:
With two fingers inserted (palm up), use your thumb to press against frenulum and provide requisite pressure. Keep fingers inside, but make sure that thumb against frenulum is your priority.

HAND:
Use your hand to support buttocks and maintain clitoral contact; keep her in position. Make sure her legs are close together. You should feel her inner thighs press against your hand that is inserted in vaginal entrance.

Stage 6: Orgasm

(less than one minute)

TONGUE:
Focus on pressing your tongue into clitoral head. Feel her push against you. Maintain pressure. Observe orgasmic contractions and hold in position throughout. After contractions, lick clitoral head once lightly. She should recoil to touch.

FINGERS
Feel pelvic muscles throb against fingers. Focus on maintaining pressure with thumb against frenulum.

HAND:
Focus on maintaining position as she enters period of spasmodic orgasmic contractions. Use your hand to press up against buttocks and keep clitoral head aligned with tongue.

 

COMMENTS:
Focus on observing the process of sexual response and learning how your tongue stimulates reaction. Remember to be gentle and slow with your tongue and don’t overstimulate the clitoral head too early in the process. Toward the end, remember to let her establish rhythm and move against you and to focus on keeping her in position as you maintain direct clitoral contact through final orgasm. If need be, incorporate a vibrator into routine in lieu of fingers, and focus on tongue strokes.

Routine 2

 

This routine will largely maintain the tongue strokes of the last routine, but also focus on integrating fingers and gums more fully.

Level: Beginner

 

Stage 1: First Kiss
(less than one minute)

TONGUE:
Long, slow tongue stroke; bottom to top. Be as light and gentle as possible.

FINGERS:
With the hand you will use for finger work, press down on pubic mound and tighten vaginal entrance.

HAND:
Other hand under buttocks; press thumb against perineum.

Stage 2: Establishing Rhythm
(three to five minutes)

TONGUE:
Vertical halfway licks (5), followed by long tongue stroke that brushes clitoral head. Focus on labia and frenulum; only brush clitoral head on full stroke, not halfway ones.

FINGERS:
Maintain pressure on pubic mound, keeping vaginal entrance tight and clitoral head more exposed to tongue strokes.

HAND:
With one hand under buttocks, continue to use your thumb to press against perineum.

Stage 3: Developing Tension
(five to ten minutes)

TONGUE:
Alternate vertical strokes with horizontal strokes. On vertical strokes, try to just graze bottom of clitoral head without fully hitting it. Focus on brushing head on horizontal strokes. For every five vertical, do one horizontal.

FINGERS:
Single finger (index) inserted partially into vaginal entrance; as you apply tongue strokes, focus on moving your index finger in come-hither motion against vaginal floor, ceiling, and left and right wall. Also focus on clasping clitoral cluster on vaginal ceiling for longer intervals as well as perineal tissue at vaginal floor.

HAND:
Maintain support and thumb press against perineum.

Stage 4: Escalation
(three to five minutes)

TONGUE:
Press gum or upper lip into front commissure. Continue vertical and horizontal strokes.

FINGER:
Insert second finger into vaginal entrance, and continue to rotate come-hither strokes. Clasp clitoral cluster and maintain firm hold. Rotate by clasping perineal tissue.

HAND:
As you support buttocks, straddling both cheeks, graze anal area with thumb.

Stage 5: Preorgasm
(three to five minutes)

TONGUE:
Deepen gum or lip pressure against front commissure. Let her build friction. Focus tongue strokes more heavily on head, or maintain strong tongue-tip pressure against head.

FINGER:
Maintain fingertip grasp of clitoral cluster. As you maintain contact with clitoral cluster in come-hither clasp, use thumb to stimulate frenulum.

HAND:
Continue to provide support and stimulate anal area.

Stage 6: Orgasm
(less than one minute)

TONGUE:
Focus on pressing your tongue into clitoral head. Use gums as strong point of resistance to her movements.

FINGER:
As you feel orgasmic contraction, maintain fingertip pressure against clitoral cluster and frenulum.

HAND:
Focus on maintaining position as she enters period of spasmodic orgasmic contractions. Use your hand to press up against buttocks and keep clitoral head aligned with tongue.

COMMENTS:
In this routine, focus on the pressure you are increasing with your gums and fingertips. Focus on understanding the balance between pressure and tongue strokes.

Routine 3

 

This routine will introduce more complex tongue strokes as well as further integrate the use of fingers. We will also introduce anal stimulation. This is a base line routine in that all major areas are now being fully stimulated.

Level: Intermediate

 

Stage 1: First Kiss
(less than one minute)

TONGUE:
Nibble your way through the first kiss. Spend time nibbling inner lips before nibbling clitoral head.

FINGERS:
Clasp perineal tissue throughout first kiss. Index finger should be inside, thumb on outside.

HAND:
Support buttocks. Massage with fingertips.

Stage 2: Establishing Rhythm
(three to five minutes)

TONGUE:
Alternate vertical, horizontal strokes. Introduce diagonal strokes.

FINGERS:
Focus single finger on clitoral cluster. Massage the area behind frenulum with index finger as you press it from the outside with thumb.

HAND:
Press thumb against perineum.

Stage 3: Developing Tension
(five to ten minutes)

TONGUE:
Gum press. Introduce new tongue stroke: a literary lick, or rope-a-dope, in which you alternate flat, still tongue with attack of gentle strokes against head.

FINGERS:
Insert second finger into vaginal entrance. Maintain fingertip clasp against clitoral cluster, but raise tops of fingers so you are pressing into clitoral cluster against vaginal ceiling. Continue to stimulate frenulum with thumb.

HAND:
Maintain support and thumb-press against perineum.

Stage 4: Escalation
(three to five minutes)

TONGUE:
Continue routine from previous stage, but increase gum pressure. Try scraping front commissure and top of head with teeth. Press teeth against clitoral area.

FINGERS:
Maintain proper come-hither clasp of three key areas: frenulum, clitoral cluster.

HAND:
As you support buttocks with your hand, straddling both cheeks, graze anal area with thumb.

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