She's the One: COunting on Love, Book 1 (31 page)

“You knew I’d come anyway?”

“When it comes to saying what you think and letting people know where they stand, you don’t let much get in your way.”

He wasn’t looking at her. He was staring stubbornly at the wall.

“You know what?” she asked. “You’re exactly right. You definitely need to know what I think and where you stand.”

She folded her arms and held herself back from touching him. For now.

“Fine,” he said. “Do it.”

She took a deep breath. He was beating himself up. He was hurting—inside and out. She knew he cared a lot about her sisters and felt horrible that he was the reason they were in the hospital. He felt that he’d hurt Conner—his friend, crewmate and teammate. And he’d hurt her—his whatever-she-was. She had to be careful not to dump so much on him at once that he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, handle it.

This was complicated.

Ryan didn’t like complicated.

But that was just too bad.

“I don’t think this friendship thing between us is going to work out,” she said.

She saw his jaw tighten as he gritted his teeth, but he gave only a simple nod. “I think you’re right.”

“I mean, with the way I feel about you, I don’t see how we can continue with that,” she went on, pushing, wanting him to look at her. One look into her eyes and he’d know how she felt.

“I understand.”

“It’s too hard to be around you when I—”

“I get it, Amanda,” he interrupted. He still wasn’t looking at her and the hand closest to her was clenched into a fist.

She moved closer to the bed. “I wasn’t done. What I was going to say is that it’s too hard to be around you when I constantly want to kiss you and tell you that I’m in love with you.”

That
got his attention. He whipped his head around to stare at her. “What the hell did you just say?”

“I said I love you. And even though we have yet to have a whole night together, I want a lot more than that.”

He was frowning deeply as he looked at her. Exactly as she expected. Before the accident, she’d imagined telling him in a romantic setting, or maybe curled up beside him in bed…and him responding with happiness and an
I love you too
.

But as soon as she’d known about the accident, she knew it was going to freak him out.

“How are Emma and Olivia?” he asked.

Definitely freaked out. But she still had to tell him.

“I’m serious, Ryan. I know this isn’t the perfect setting or time, but I’m in love with you.”

“How,” he repeated firmly, “are your sisters?”

She sighed. “We don’t know anything yet. Emma’s in surgery and Liv is still unconscious.”

He pressed his lips together, his fist clenching again. Then he asked tightly, “Doesn’t it feel wrong to be here talking to me instead of waiting and worrying about them?”

Her heart tripped at his words. It didn’t feel wrong to be here with him at all. “My sisters are in trouble. I have a huge, heavy knot in my stomach and my neck is so tight I can barely turn my head. I hate this and I’m praying for them to be okay, of course. But being with you makes me feel better. Love does that.” She moved in closer, grabbed his chin and forced him to look at her. “It is very important to me that
you
know that, in spite of all of the things that happened, I love you. That doesn’t change. Got it?”

He swallowed hard and she saw a million emotions in his eyes. Still he said, “You need to go.”

Right. Walk away. That’s how it worked. That’s how they did things in Ryan’s world.

This was complicated. And if things got worse for Emma or Olivia, it would be even more so.

But this wasn’t just Ryan’s world. It was hers too, and walking away was not how she did things. She could, however, protect him. She wanted him in her life but she knew that was asking a lot. Her life was chaotic at times. He wanted peace. Well, she’d been protecting Conner for years from the pandemonium. She’d keep the crazy away from Ryan too.

“If I go now, it’s only temporary. I’ll be back. But I promise—”

“No.”

“Yes. Ryan, it’s not—”

“This won’t make it better.”

She let go of him. “What do you mean?”

“Telling yourself that you’re in love with me won’t make it okay in your mind that you were with me when your sisters needed you. Not deep down. Not after it sinks in.”

Amanda felt her mouth drop open. “Wh…what? What are you talking about?”

“Sex isn’t a good enough reason for not going. You’ll hate yourself later. Unless you’re in love with me. Then putting me first isn’t so bad.”

Her heart thumped. He knew her. Very well. And that was thrilling…and terrifying.

But he was wrong.

“That isn’t why—”

“Dammit, Amanda!” He glared at her. “
Huckleberry
.”

She froze. And gritted her teeth. Her frustration was partly his use of the word and partly the fact that he’d raised his voice. He didn’t do that. Unless he really meant it. Like when he was throwing his friends out of his condo.

Well, fine. He could mean it all he wanted. Mama bear was here and she wasn’t going anywhere for good.

Knowing his bruises and bumps would make it hard for him to move quickly, she leaned in and pressed her lips to his. Then she turned and started for the door.

As her hand touched the door handle, she heard him say gruffly, “I’m sorry.”

She looked back at him. She knew he was talking about her sisters. And she knew that it was killing him that they were hurt. She wanted to help him. She
needed
to help him. And loving him and not budging was the way to do that.

“I know,” she told him sincerely.

“I’m…” He broke off and took a huge breath. “I’m just…sorry.”

Maybe that
sorry
was about more than the accident, but she wasn’t acknowledging that. As far as she was concerned, there was nothing else to be sorry about. He couldn’t be sorry about a breakup that wasn’t going to happen, and he sure as hell better not be sorry about anything that had happened between them up to that point.

“See you later,” she said firmly, then pulled the door open and stepped through before he could respond.

She only got five steps down the hallway before she ran into Cody and Shane.

“Did you see Isabelle?” she asked Shane.

“For a little bit. But…” He sighed. “Conner needed me to not be there right now.”

Amanda was impressed. She knew that not being there with Isabelle had to be as hard on Shane as walking away from Ryan was on her. Still, Shane understood that Conner needed to be the comforter right now. He wasn’t going to let Conner dictate what happened between Shane and Isabelle, but he was going to respect Conner and Isabelle’s relationship with each other.

“So, you’ll take Ryan home?” she asked.

Cody nodded. “We’ve got him.”

“And call me immediately if my brother shows up at Ryan’s place.” And Conner would, at some point. Probably.

Cody gave her a salute. “Yes, ma’am.”

She looked at Shane. “You okay?”

The big cop scrubbed his hand over his face. “Hell, no.”

Amanda nodded. She really did believe he cared about her sister, but the two of them had a really hard time being reasonable adults when they were together. “I’ll text you when the coast is clear. But it’ll be a while.” Conner was going to camp out at the hospital until all of his sisters were well out of the woods.

“I know. Tell her…” He clearly wasn’t sure how to put his feelings into words.

Which could very well be a huge part of their problems.

Finally he pulled himself up straight. “Tell her I’ll bring ice cream sandwiches later.”

Amanda didn’t know any stories about ice cream and Shane, but she had the distinct impression that ice cream sandwiches from Shane wouldn’t be simple snacks to Isabelle. “I’ll tell her.”

“Thanks.”

She started down the hall again, but couldn’t help swinging around again and calling, “Hey, Shane?”

He turned back. “Yeah?”

“Do you think Ryan would like it if I brought him ice cream sandwiches?”

The question successfully got a huge grin from her favorite officer of the law. “Yeah. He definitely would.”

“Tell him I’ll bring them over later.” She paused, then added, “And tell him why he’ll like that.”

Shane gave her a wink. “You got it.”

Amanda was grinning as she stepped into her sister’s room a few minutes later. “I’m going to need to hear all about the ice cream sandwiches,” she told Isabelle as she crossed to her sister’s bedside and leaned in to hug her.

Isabelle hugged her back, but then shot a glance at Conner before asking, “What about them?”

“I’m going to go see if I can get a report on the girls,” Conner said, coming to his feet and exiting the room without even looking at Amanda.

She sighed. “Did he tell you where I was?”

Isabelle nodded. “Yeah. You and Ryan, huh?”

“Are you shocked?”

“Not even a little bit.”

That made her smile. “No?”

“I’m not blind, Amanda. And neither is Conner. He’s not surprised either.”

Amanda liked that. It meant that there was something between her and Ryan that even other people could see. That made her feel more secure about her plan to show him exactly how things went when someone made her love them.

“But he’s mad,” she said of their brother.

Isabelle shrugged. “He’s worried. It comes out as mad.”

“He doesn’t need to be worried.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Isabelle gave her a small smile. “He’ll always worry, Amanda. If it’s not this, it’ll be something else.”

Amanda took the chair Conner had vacated and pulled it closer to her sister’s bed. Isabelle had all of her gadgets—BlackBerry, phone, iPad—all spread out on the small rolling table that was common at hospital bedsides.

“Are you mad I went to see him before I came to see you?” Amanda asked.

Isabelle shook her head. “No. Conner was here.”

Exactly. “Ryan thinks I think I’m in love with him only because it will make me feel less guilty about sending him to pick you up instead of coming myself.”

Isabelle met her gaze. “Is that why you think you’re in love with him?”

“Not at all.”

Isabelle leaned back against her pillows, crossed her arms and regarded Amanda with a serious look. “So, why do you love him? You’ve only been hanging out for a few days.”

Amanda leaned back in her chair, crossed her legs and thought about it. “Because he makes people feel good when he’s around. Because he’s sweet and sincere. Because he doesn’t judge people and he lets them be who they are. He’s sexy and he’s fun and he makes me feel like the most interesting, beautiful woman in the world.”

She paused and took a deep breath. Isabelle said nothing and, looking away from her sister’s intense stare, Amanda made herself really think about the question. She let her mind go to the stuff that she hadn’t let herself dwell upon in the whirlwind of the past few days, the things that tightened her throat and chest and made her ache with the need to be with him.

She cleared her throat. “Okay, it’s because he gets me—he likes the things about me that are most…
me
. He admires the way I protect the people I love. He understands that I want to be someone who challenges others to be better, but I also have their backs if they fall short. He likes how I sometimes need to be crazy or silly or strange. And with Ryan I feel like I can be all of those things without apology or explanation.”

Isabelle pressed her lips together and pulled a long breath in through her nose. She swallowed, then said, “Well, I suggest you go and tell him all of that.”

Amanda nodded. “Yeah. If he’ll listen.”

Isabelle laughed lightly. “Amanda, I can’t remember one single time in all the years I’ve known you that you let something like someone not wanting to hear what you’re saying stop you from saying it.”

Amanda had to admit her little sister was right. “Should I really be taking relationship advice from you?” she asked bluntly.

Isabelle’s smile died, but her gaze was sincere when she said, “Yes. Because everything you described about why you love Ryan is what I
don’t
have with Shane.”

“So, what’s going on? You love him?”

Isabelle nodded, looking miserable. “I do. But you said that Ryan loves the things about you that make you most you.”

“Right.”

“There are things about me that Shane doesn’t even know. Shane met and fell in love with the public me, the fun party-girl persona I put on. But not the real me. At least, not
all
of me.”

“But…you’re so happy together.”

“Sure. Because I’m giving him exactly what he wants and he’s…Shane. It’s really hard not to love Shane.”

Amanda nodded but said nothing.

“This was supposed to be a fun, short-term thing,” Isabelle went on. “I never expected to still be with him six months later and I definitely didn’t expect to be in love with him.”