Shhh...Mack's Side (10 page)

“Kyle, what’s wrong with me?” I quietly asked, feeling the emotion from the music creeping in again. I was sad. Why was I sad?

“Nothing is wrong with you, Kenzie. You’re perfect just the way you are. Don’t let anyone ever tell you you’re not.”

“I think about you,” I blurted.

“You think about me?”

“All the time. I told you there is something wrong with me.”

“Guess what?” He smiled, still holding me in his arms. “There’s something wrong with me, too.”

“There is?”

“Uh-huh.”

“You think about me?”

“All the time,” he admitted, mimicking my answer with a smile. This was real. Kyle was real. I was happy again. I came to my feet, wondering where and when I had removed my shoes. Kyle stood with me and I leaned my body into his. I didn’t see a thirty-eight year old man at all standing in front of me. I didn’t see a dad. I didn’t see any of that. I saw a man who loved me for who I was, every little hang up. He didn’t care.

Kyle wrapped his arms around me and I closed my eyes, loving the
feel of his strong arms embracing me, making it better, making me whole. That’s how I felt. That’s what Kyle did to me. I was complete with him.

“This is the part where you’re supposed to be the adult and send me to my room with Gia.”

“I don’t want you to go to your room.”

And just like that. It was over. My mania shifted gears, and I was once again feeling invincible. The music. That’s what it was
. The music and this light show.

“Tell me how you feel,” Kyle coaxed, pulling my back to his front. Kyle knew what to do with me. He knew how intense my senses were right now. I immediately noticed the way his fingers explored my sensitive skin. He touched all of me, every single inch. I may have helped, moving his hands
from my bare ankles to the tips of my fingers while I danced in front of him. Swaying to the rhythm of Todd McCoy, I acted out on my mania, knowing the realness of the crazy girl I was portraying. I didn’t care. Nobody was judging me. Kyle wasn’t judging me.

He
let me undress. Wearing nothing but a butterfly barrette and Gia’s diamond earrings, I let my naked body dance on Kyle’s. The emotions that we were sharing was out of this world. He felt it, too. Anyone that says you can’t make love without intercourse was crazy. Once I had Kyle’s shirt off, it was unbearable. My nerve endings stood on end.

Naked, caressing each other in our nudeness, Kyle pulled me to the floor and kissed me.
Really kissed me. Really, really, really kissed me. There isn’t a kiss in the world to compare it to. It’s like trying to teach a blind person the color of blue. How do you describe it? Ice? Ocean? The sky? Or would it be better to describe the opposite? Red. Sometimes you have to see things the wrong way to see them the right way.

That’s how it was with Kyle. Kyle made me feel like everything wrong with me was right. He was the only one who knew how crazy I could really be. Even crazy people can hide it. We
know there’s something troubling going on inside us that the rest of the world wouldn’t understand. This wasn’t like that. Kyle understood. Kyle didn’t make me feel less of myself for being me. I didn’t have to be anyone but me.

“Touch me, Kyle. Please touch me,” I panted, begging and thrashing my body like the kook that I was, needing more, needing all of him. I sprawled, opening my arms and legs like a descending hawk and glided. The sensation that surged my body sent me sliding away from his fingers with a kick of my legs. It was like warming your hands under hot water after freezing them. It felt so good it hurt.

“We shouldn’t do this, Kenzie,” Kyle moaned, sliding his middle finger in and out of my pulsating sex.

“Then leave,” I gasped, jostling my hips into his fingers. 

“I fucking can’t,” he confessed, biting down on my nipple.

“Ahhh,” I painfully moaned. “Look at me, Kyle,” I requested, shoving him off with my knees. I spread myself and he looked. “Don’t touch it. Just look,” I requested, trying to spread my legs as much as I could.
That part stunned him, and I wasn’t sure why. I opened my lips with my fingers and raised my hips. I wanted him to see all of me. Kyle fulfilled my wishes, adding to the emotions by running his hands up and down my legs. I didn’t understand his expression, then again, he’d probably never been told to look at some wild girl’s exposed sex. I know this went on
for a long time, like twenty minutes. Every time he looked away I told him to look again, until I told him to touch me.

Other than telling him to look at me, I directed him with my manic body. When I finally let him stop staring at my wide open sex, I let him touch me with his mouth. Grabbing his hair, I held him there, pulling and pushing while he devoured me, every inch of me. I came so hard, so amazingly, sensitively hard. Squeezing my legs around his head, I held him t
here, letting surge after surge take over my body.

I never came down. Not once did I start to come down. The throbbing between my legs
grew stronger. I got wetter, and I wanted more. I wanted things normal, teenage girls my age didn’t think about. I moved his head away by pulling his hair. Our eyes locked and stayed that way while I moved his fingers to my aching core. I chose his middle finger and guided it to my wet, throbbing sex. Moaning, I let him coat his finger before moving it to my ass. I was the one to press the tip of it in.

“Kenzie, no,” he whispered, trying to pull away.

I pushed his finger in more and moaned, not taking my eyes off his. Kyle looked down at his middle finger, trying to penetrate my ass and moved in a little more. Oh my god. I was going to come again. Kyle spread more of my juices from my slit to his finger, helping it to slide in and out with ease, sending my body into an endorphin frenzy.

After the second wave of ecstasy, I slid like a slivering snake, moving my body down Kyle from beneath. He paused when I took his hardness into my mouth, but didn’t stop me. My reflexes didn’t work. I consumed his shaft with my mouth and played with myself with my
fingers.
Kyle pushed himself in and out of me, watching with soft moans. And there was the look. The crazed look of lust that I would die for, but why was I suddenly afraid of him? I looked away, closing my eyes to keep it. I needed to keep us here, in this moment.

I made myself come for the third time, sucking on Kyle’s massive rod. He did stop me after that. He was close to coming. I slithered back to his mouth and kissed him. He still tasted like me. I liked the way I tasted on his mouth. I loved the smell from my oversensitive nose, and I loved the taste on my hypersensitive tongue.

Holding my breath, I felt him slide in. Shit. We were really doing this. I was about to have sex with Gia’s dad. This was real. Crap. This was real. Sliding in a little more, I bit down on his shoulder and dug my nails in his back. I bit harder and screamed.

Kyle stopped and looked down at me. “Please tell me I didn’t just take your virginity.”

“You did. That hurt. That hurt a lot.” I accused, feeling the burning between my legs. That was heightened, too. Ugh. I didn’t like that part. “Please don’t stop,” I begged.

Kyle shook his head, staring at me with something I couldn’t quite put a finger on. D
efeat, maybe. He moved in again and I stiffened. “Relax, Kenzie, I’m going to go very slow. If it hurts, tell me.”

I nodded, afraid to relax. It was going to hurt again.
I was sure of it.

Kyle moved a little more and pulled out. He moved in and out of me going a little deeper every time.
Our gazes shared an emotional trance, making love like no other ever has. And we became one. Kyle and I were one.

“McKenzie. What the hell are you doing?”

“McKenzie?!”

“McKenzie, get down.”

Down? Down from what? Looking around the restaurant, I looked at the stunned piano player. He stopped playing. I climbed down on my
own, moving my hand away when Colton tried to take it.

“How could you let me do that, Kyle?” I asked, stunned.

“Kyle?”

I walked away from the stares and scrutiny. How could he let me do
that?

“You danced on a piano, but you were on your meds?” Lila questioned.

Oh for heaven’s sake. Sit down. “Yes, I don’t know what happened. I was dancing with Colton after dinner and the next thing I know, I’m being pulled from a trance and I’m on top of the piano.”

“What sort of trance? What were you thinking about?”

“Kyle.”

“Hmm, interesting. Let’s talk about
AJ.”

“
AJ? I thought we were talking about Kyle. You made me talk about him and now you want to move on? You’re a quack.”

“You said you’ve only ever loved two men. I now know that one of them is Kyle,
the other is in Chicago, someone you were interning with, and maybe there’s a third.”

“It was Detroit, and there isn’t going to be a number three. I’m not in love with Colton,” I assured Lila.

“How has he been since you decided to make a fool of yourself?”

“You suck as a therapist. You do know that
, right? I swear to god, I did not stop taking my medicine. I just went off into another mind, and I don’t even know how or when I got up there.”

“Where was your boyfriend?”

“He’s not my boyfriend. He went to the bathroom, but I don’t remember that either. How did you know about Kyle?”

“Child, you’ve been telling me how much you love him since you walked through that door,
” Lila accused, nodding toward the door. “Kyle has always understood you, hasn’t he, McKenzie? Even when you were a child, a tiny little girl, with information running through your scared little mind, he understood you, didn’t he?”

“Yeah,” I admitted, staring down at the desk calendar. Lila had a dentist appointment after this.

“Why do you think that is, McKenzie?”

I thought about
it, frowning. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know, or you don’t want to tell me, or maybe it’s because
you don’t want to know. Maybe you’re afraid to learn that you already know the truth.”

“I have no idea what that even means.”

“I think you do. Tell me about AJ.”

I took an exasperated breath, wondering what the hell just happened, and leaned back. “We were both interns at a paper in Detroit. He was a reporter and I was a page designer. I met him the day before we both started
work. Turns out he rented an apartment in the same building. My mother picked it. I would have never picked that one, but she wanted me within walking distance of the paper. I had all the necessities within three blocks of my safe neighborhood.”

“How was college for you?”

“Fine. I went to school to go to school. I never partied or anything. I got a four year degree in two years plus another two year degree in graphic design.”

“Impressive, although I’m not surprised. You’re
lucky you could study.”

“Yeah, lucky me. I know things most people shouldn’t know. I don’t know that I’d call that luck.”

“Really? And what would you call it, McKenzie?”

“Desperation,” I sadly responded, studying her desk calendar. I had
ten more days before Mr. Nichols would sit in front of the parole board and plead his case. Beg to be set free, promising to be a law abiding citizen. Oh wait. He lost that, too. His conviction stripped him of that, as well. He’d never vote for the president of the United States again.

“You read to fill your mind?”

“No,” I said jumping up. “I read for the information. Information I’m going to need later on. I need the information to replace other thoughts. Other thoughts that I don’t like. I’m the freak, reading the back of everything I touch. Information for later,” I yelled, pacing, tapping my finger to my temple. Lila didn’t seem at all fazed by my outburst. Her expression never changed.

“Let’s get back to AJ.
How old is he?” she asked, nodding her head for me to get back on track.

“How old is he?” I frowned.

“Yes. How old is AJ?”

“He’s, I don’t know, forty maybe.”

“I see.”

“You see what?”

“How old is Colton?”

“Okay, I see where you’re going with this. I don’t have daddy issues. If that’s what you’re getting at.”

“Have you always dated older men?”

Dropping back to her chair, I sighed, f
idgeting with the corner of the desk calendar, I drifted back to the way things were for me back then. She was right. I never did like boys. Ever.

I
must have been the racket going on next door. The office next to Lila’s was getting a makeover. The hammering was faint but still there.

Bang. Bang. Bang. And the next thing I knew, I was seventeen again.

“I’m going to Gia’s. How the hell am I supposed to study with all this noise?” I whined, entering the kitchen. “Really, you guys?
” I asked, walking in on a make-out session. They were so gross and they got worse the older they got. My mom and dad still argued. They would always argue. Nothing was ever going to change that, but they did love each other. That I knew to be true. That was real. 

“Watch your mouth, young lady, and it’s either this or let it rain on
your bed. Which do you prefer, princess,” my dad taunted. I rolled my eyes, tossing my bag over one shoulder, typical of any normal, teenage girl who was almost eighteen. Only I wasn’t like most girls. I tried to be like Gia and like the boys from school. I just didn’t, except Mr. Nichols that is. I daydreamed about naughty things all the time with him. I never did like boys our age. I’m sure my first time wasn’t like most teenage girls’ first time. It was amazing. That’s the difference in letting some teenage boy take your V-card. Men should have that job, not boys.

“Pssst, come here,” I heard him call in a loud whisper from the dark garage. Looking up to Gia’s bedroom window, I walked toward the opened garage door, not seeing her.

“Where’s Gia?” I asked. Kyle didn’t answer. He pulled me to the side, lifted me to the chest freezer and hit the button. I watched the garage door getting closer to the floor, rendering the garage darker and darker as it came in contact with the concrete floor. Kyle moved my legs apart a little and stood between them.

Crushing his lips to mine, he pulled me closer, grinding his hips into mine. I could feel his hardness, purposely grinding into my clit. Shit. I shouldn’t have told Gia I was coming. She’d be calling, wondering where I was.

“I’ve got to go. You should have told me you were home.”

“Your dad was home. You should have known I was home. You’ve got to meet me later. I can’t stand not touching you for one more day.”

“Kyle, I can’t. We’re staring finals right in the face. I have to pass this class.”

“Stay with Gia tonight,” he begged.

“We’ll see. I have to go.” I slid forward, keeping one leg behind him, slowly moving my body down his, provoking him with my body and lips on his. “You were supposed to pick me up from dropping my car off for tires, remember?” I reminded him
with a pout. Gia had a dentist appointment that day. I purposely told my dad what time to make it. Kyle ditched me, and sent his secretary.

“I had a client. It took longer than I’d planned. Spend the night.”

“Dad!” I stepped away when I heard Gia call. Kyle flipped the light on and I pretended to be walking in the side door.

“Why you coming in through the garage?” Gia asked.

“I saw the light come on, I thought you were out here. Let’s study together. They’re putting a new roof on our house and they’re driving me insane. I can’t take it.”

“Study what?”

“Oh my god, Gia! If we don’t pass Mr. Nichols’ class, we’re not going to school together. You do get that, don’t you?”

“You failing a class, Gianna?” Kyle asked, being a father to her and a lover to me.

Bang. Bang. Bang.

“AJ was older, too,” I offered in a sad tone. “Want to know something else?” I asked, looking back up to Lila. “He’s black.”

“You were telling me you met him the day before you started work with him,” Lila coaxed, wanting me to continue. She didn’t care about his skin color. I only did for one reason and being prejudice wasn’t it.

“Oh, yeah. Yes, we met at the Laundromat next door to our building. I tried to ignore him like I had my entire life with boys. He wouldn’t let me. He’s the funniest guy you would ever meet. We shared a pizza that night, against my will.”

“And he knew about you?”

“Yeah, right. I’ve spent my entire life trying to hide my disabilities from people who wouldn’t understand.”

“Like Gia?”

“What?” Now what the hell was she talking about? I thought we were going to talk about AJ. My head was spinning and my neck hurt from the whiplash.

“I’m just curious. If Gia was your best friend, why didn’t she know? Why did you hide your illness from everyone but Kyle?”

“I didn’t. AJ knew. Colton knows.”

“But not because you told them. I’m guessing they know because you had a manic outburst. Am I right? You never had those with Gia?”

“What are you saying? I can just turn it on and off when I want?”

“Sort of. I’m having a hard time believing in the friendship that you’re so attached to.”

“I’m not attached to anyone. I haven’t even spoken to Gia in like five years now. I assume she’s off living the life that she and I grew up in, raising her cute little family with Jake on some cul-de-sac. She’s probably driving around in her fifty-thousand-dollar car, playing the role that our mothers played. The role Gia and I were supposed to fulfill together. We were supposed to be neighbors, raise our little girls together and sell expensive real-estate.”

“Was that her dream, or yours?”

“It was ours,” I assured her with a frown. What the hell?

“Mmm
hmm. Why aren’t you selling real-estate?”

“What are we talking about today?” I asked, wanting to avoid the direction she was moving in. Right again. I never wanted to be my mother. I always dreamed of working
for a fast paced magazine, one that would allow me to work millions of hours, and force more on me than the normal mind could handle. That’s why I did as well as I had, working my way up from a nobody to one of the highest paid employees at York Fancy, just below Jane.

My brain never rested. It was on constant overload. I couldn’t even take a shit like a normal person. I had to have the crossword puzzle from the newspaper, or be sifting through my phone. My mind had to be occupied. ALL THE TIME.

“I feel like this so called friend that you speak so highly of would have known. She would have been there for you more.”

“Once again. Are we talking about your feelings or mine? You can tell me how you feel. I’ll just charge you for this hour. Go on, tell me how
you feel. I’m a really good listener.”

“Okay, I think your friend wasn’t a friend at all. She knew. She knew all along, McKenzie. You didn’t grow up side by side with this girl without her knowing. She knew. Didn’t she?”

I didn’t respond to her accusations. I smiled, staring at her like she was the most ridiculous creature on earth.

Lila continued.
“I think she knew, and I think she pretended not to. She didn’t want to be a part of that side of you.”

Just like she had been since I started seeing her, Lila was once again right. I was only thirteen the first time I freaked out with Gia. My grandparents were visiting for the weekend, and they had taken my mom out for her birthday. I didn’t feel well. My current therapist had just
changed my meds—again. I don’t know if it was the coming off the last one, or the effects of the new one, but I was sick. Crazy sick.

“McKenzie, Mack. Where are you?” Gia called through my house. Her voice was so intense. It echoed throughout the entire house, or at least my head. I was crunched down in the corner of the dining room, covering my ears. She was so loud.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Gia asked.

“Gia. Stay here. Stay with me,” I pleaded. I was scared, hearing voices that wanted me to hurt myself. I wanted it to stop. I wanted it all to stop.