Shiver (4 page)

Chapter 5

I
woke in the morning early, my legs once again tangled up in Ethan’s. I was also staring at the ceiling again. The difference, of course, between this morning and last night was sobriety and a strong sense of bad decisions. I quickly decided that I didn’t really want to have any sort of talk yet, so I slid my legs out from under Ethan’s and rolled out of bed.

I started gathering my clothes from their various locations, figuring they’d work fine as barn clothes for the day. I pulled on my jeans, bra, and shirt, and snuck out of the bedroom to grab Charlie, then drove down to the barn to brew a much-needed pot of coffee. My phone vibrated and I glanced at it to see several texts from Steph checking in. I let her know I’d just been crazy busy but all was well. For some reason, I didn’t feel like sharing this. It felt like it was a profound life event for me, but I also knew it wasn’t smart and it wouldn’t go any further. I decided to keep it to myself, at least for a while.

Just when I thought I was in the clear to hop on my first ride, I heard the creak of the screen door. It slammed shut as I was taking a sip of hot coffee, and I coughed and sputtered as the brew scalded my throat. I was maybe sort of waiting for Ethan to ask if I was okay as my eyes watered and I regained my breath, but I opened my eyes to see him simply leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed, watching me. Hotness. I could tell by his clean-shaven face and still-damp hair that he’d taken the time to shower before coming down. He was wearing his thick, navy-blue winter jacket and jeans, his boots and spurs already on, feet planted casually. I took a deep breath and realized that he smelled amazing. Clean and male and something uniquely Ethan.

I held up a hand. “No, don’t worry. I’m fine.” Sarcasm oozed from me.

“I assumed,” he responded wryly. “So.”

A minute passed, neither of us saying anything.

I was the one who broke the silence. “Yes?” Okay, I was a little bit wondering if playing dumb would work.

“I’m curious what you thought was going to happen.”

“Umm…” Okay, now I wasn’t playing dumb. I felt dumb. What, precisely, were we talking about? Last night? This morning?

“I’m going to assume you didn’t want to have to see me this morning since you snuck out. But, you know… you work in my barn. How far did you think that’d take you?”

“Honestly?” I shrugged. “I thought I might be able to get halfway through the day without a serious talk.”

“And then what?” He gave me a level stare.

“Well, by then I was hoping I’d have things figured out.”

“How’s that going so far?”

“Ask me halfway through my day.”

He let out a small laugh and walked over to pour a cup of coffee. “Look, Lissa… last night was…”

His voice was stilted now. Every pause made me feel more and more awkward, so I interrupted before I could feel even more stupid.

“No, Ethan. It’s totally fine. Last night was fun, but we were drinking a lot and bad decisions were made. I’m sorry if—”

Now it was Ethan’s turn to interrupt. “No. You have no reason to be sorry. And if you’d let me finish, I could explain myself. I… fuck.” He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I thought I knew what I was going to say when I came down here.” He swallowed, then looked right in my eyes, holding me there. “I wanted last night to happen. And I wasn’t as drunk as I should have been. But I’m not in any kind of place to give you a relationship. Of any kind, let alone what you deserve and probably want. You’re young and you should be able to have those things. Shit, I forget how young you are sometimes. I’m the one who should be sorry, because I did know what I was doing last night, and I knew that it shouldn’t happen. But at the time, I just didn’t care.”

“And now you regret it,” I stated quietly.

“No. I don’t regret
it
.” He laughed without humor. “I regret the timing. I regret ignoring the consequences. I regret the fact that it could have ruined… this.” He gestured between us.

“And what exactly is this?” I asked. “I’m not sure I understand the gravity of all this. So we had sex. Great sex! Lots of people have sex. With lots of people! And then they move on.”

“So you just want to move on?” He sounded skeptical.

I threw up my hands. “Look, your heartfelt speech of nonsense makes it pretty clear that you don’t want to be… involved with me. That’s fine. It was just a fun night. Can’t we leave it at that? And, yes, move on?”

There was another long pause where neither of us uttered a word.

Finally Ethan spoke, his face completely shut down. “I don’t want this to affect the business. I shouldn’t have crossed that line with you, and I’m sorry. You’re my employee, and nothing can ever happen again between us. Good?”

I nodded resolutely. “Fine.”

He raised an eyebrow at me before turning and striding out. I wasn’t certain, but I didn’t think this was how I’d seen the whole thing playing out.

I finished my coffee and switched from my cowboy boots to my schooling boots, buckling my spurs on each heel. Heading out into the barn to get on my first horse, I saw Ethan riding away already. A long sigh escaped me. The previous night was… it was amazing. It was something I would spend the rest of my life thinking about. What we had together was rare. I could feel it. Our ability to talk and joke and be ourselves plus feeling comfortable enough to do the things we’d done… that just doesn’t happen often. I was frustrated because I knew we could make something work and it would be incredible. But Ethan would never see it. He was too wrapped up in something else. Some previous pain, his parents’ divorce… I didn’t know.

And I wouldn’t wait around until he figured it out. In essence, he was right. I was young and I was his employee, and even though it was really easy to blur the lines when you work so closely together, it didn’t mean it was a good idea. When I left home, my dad had told me not to get involved with any lowlife boys. Ethan was by no means a lowlife. But I didn’t need him dragging me through a hedge backward and making me start to doubt myself. I had almost risked that with Brett, and it was by the grace of God that I’d made it out of there. I was perfectly capable of moving on with my life and perfectly comfortable just being by myself.

I worked through the next several sets, only seeing Ethan in passing or getting curt instructions from him. I brushed it off, realizing his surly attitude was a product of his own issues, not mine. Finishing my chores at the end of the day was a welcome relief. I changed back into my cowboy boots and dreamt about a shower, bare feet, and loungewear at home. By that point, my clothes had been abused. I sat to rub Charlie’s belly for a few minutes since she was rolled over on her back and fully expecting the treatment anyway. When I stood, she popped straight up as well, ready for whatever was next. With my hand resting on her head, we walked out to my truck together. I saw Ethan walking into the parking area just as we pulled away, but I decided that no acknowledgment was necessary. Things were strictly business.

The next several days settled into a routine. I got up early to run before heading to the barn to ride a few horses first thing, and I then spent time cleaning tack, polishing brass, pulling manes, and trimming and clipping up the horses. There were twenty horses in various stages of training, and they all needed to be kept looking nice, whether that was for when their owners came to see or ride them or they were for sale and a prospective buyer might come to look at them. I worked from seven in the morning until five in the evening most days and was kept busy enough that I mostly saw Ethan in passing. Our relationship felt… strained. We were cordial and, dare I say, professional. It. Sucked.

While my job kept me physically busy, it wasn’t terribly difficult. The riding I was doing was very basic, and the tasks were pretty mindless. I felt like I was getting into better shape, and my wrist was getting stronger even though it was usually pretty sore at the end of the day. Most of my evenings were spent at home reading or hanging out with Steph. I might have been avoiding running into Brett and his wife a little, but really, I just didn’t feel the need to go into town and see a bunch of people I didn’t care about. I was lying low.

About a week after I’d started working at Ethan’s, I was on my first set and heading out for a trot down the back dirt road. We were having a welcome heat wave, and it was already forty-five degrees. It felt blissful, even if that sounds weird. I passed by the arena just as Ethan was riding out, turning his horse in the direction of the road as well. I watched him out of the corner of my eye. He was wearing a dark lightweight jacket and a ball cap, along with his customary cargo pants tucked into brown boots and half chaps with his silver spurs. He didn’t even look in my direction.

“Are you hacking out?” I asked.

“Yeah. Just a trot down the road.” He nodded in that direction.

“Oh, okay. So… do you wanna go together?” I looked away, feeling a bit awkward.

“Sure. May as well.”

His enthusiasm was so heartwarming. Oh, well. At least it was a start.

We rode side by side through the bottom gate, turning right onto the gravel. We wordlessly picked up the trot and continued in silence until we reached the stop sign where we slowed to a walk and turned back. And I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Are we going to stay this way forever?” I asked, waving my hand between us. I could tell my sudden question startled him out of his aloofness.

“What are you talking about?”

“Really?” I raised a brow at him. “Please don’t tell me you can’t feel the discomfort here like a bad rash. If we can’t find our way back to being friends, or at least being able to have a comfortable conversation, then… I don’t know. I may as well move on.”

That jolted him again. “Move on? You want to move on?”

I sighed. “No! I really don’t. I really like what I’m doing here. But I hate feeling like I can’t talk or be myself or enjoy myself! All because I touched your penis one night!”

I stared down, fiddling with my reins, wondering if mentioning the word
penis
was a tactical error. When I heard no response from Ethan, I glanced over to see him doubled over his horse’s neck, his body spasming in laughter. A wide grin spread over my face at the sight, and I waited patiently as he composed himself after several minutes.

“God, it’s been shitful, hasn’t it?” He patted his horse on the neck as we walked back to the barn.

“It has sucked so hard I’ve barely been able to stand it.”

We both chuckled a little.

“I’m not really sure how to get back to where we were, or if we want to go back there…” He shook his head, looking out over the fields that surrounded us.

I took a deep breath, thinking through my feelings, and decided to simply be honest. “Look, I can’t deny that the other night was something… meaningful. It’s going to leave an impression. And I think you felt the same, at the time anyway. But I understand that we can be in different places in our heads, and I don’t want to feel bad about enjoying myself. Then or now. I don’t see the need to turn that night into something negative. I want you to know that I don’t blame you for anything. There’s no reason for animosity or weirdness between us.”

We both stayed a little quiet, listening as the steady clip-clop of our horses’ feet fell in sync.

“Can you really just pretend it never happened? I’m not sure I can.”

Ethan’s response gave me pause because I never considered him not wanting to move on. Only that he thought I couldn’t.

I chose my words carefully. “I don’t think we need to pretend that. Or anything, for that matter. But can’t we just chalk it up to a good time with no strings, no risk of attachment, nothing more than a night?”

“So instead of ignoring it, we embrace it?” He laughed, shaking his head. “Your rationale is something else. I would really like to try though. From now on, our relationship is completely platonic, no past and no future.” He looked at me with a slightly sad smile. “Friends?”

“Friends.” I smiled back, hoping that he didn’t notice that my smile was a bit too perky.

Chapter 6

T
he day was cold and rainy, and it was the type of December weather that got into your bones and you just couldn’t stay warm. Ethan was off running errands, and I was performing one of the most hated of all horse tasks: body clipping. It takes about an hour and a half to shave the entire body of a squirming, irritated twelve-hundred-pound animal while making sure the look comes out perfectly even and natural. Prickly hairs rained down from above, reaching places no hair should ever be. It would be found in weird, bad locations for days. They should use the technique for prison torture. Everyone would break.

I, however, had it down to a science (kind of). I was wearing a full-body yellow rain suit, a bandana over my head, and jockey goggles. In short, I looked amazing. Like a giant condom. This was my fourth and final horse to clip for the day, and it was white. Words cannot quite express how much I wanted to take a shower.

I had just finished wiping down Great White—his name was Ben, but I changed the horse’s names based on my mood—with a wet towel to get rid of as much loose hair as possible. I looked over to the opening of the wash stall to see Ethan leaning against the doorjamb, an amused look on his face. He was wearing a navy fitted jacket, relax-cut jeans, and boots. Even with all that fabric, I could see the strength and tightness in his body. His almost-black hair was combed back, wet from the rain, and his usually clean-shaven face was starting to grow in a five-o’clock shadow. After looking my fill, I blew upward to get some of the hair off before raising my goggles, then pointed at him.

“Don’t you dare make fun of me.”

He raised his hands in defense. “Oh I’m not making fun of you. Except in my mind. Actually I’ve never seen anything more… practical. Really.”

“You aren’t allowed to tease the person doing the job you didn’t wanna do.” I gave him my sweetest smile. “But I’ll buy you a six-pack of beer if you put Polar Bear here away and let me go home to shower right this second before I freak out from all the hair covering me.” I bounced on my toes a bit, overly excited at the thought of a shower. Shower!

“I’m sorry, but are you wearing flip-flops?” Ethan looked at my feet incredulously.

Oh, right. I hate shoes. Well, actually, I love shoes. On certain occasions. But regularly, I’d rather be barefoot. I don’t like my feet to get hot, and crouching under a horse for hours at a time required the ultimate comfort, safety be damned. So… flip-flops.

“Umm, yes. But I’ve been very careful.” I looked down and shook a mound of white hair off my feet, then took a small step away from the large, heavy, metal-shod hoof of Ben.

“Jesus Christ,” Ethan muttered under his breath, shaking his head. “You signed the liability form, right?”

“I did!” I shot him a big grin. “So how ’bout it? Beer for shower?”

“First of all, you can’t even buy beer, so that’s an empty promise.”

“Pshaw, I haven’t been carded in town in years.”

“Still an empty promise. But”—he held up his hand to quiet me when I started to interrupt—“but I will make you another deal. I’ll clean up here, you go shower and change up at my house… you do have a change of clothes?” When I nodded, he continued. “Thank God. Anyway, go shower. Then if you drive me to go pick up my truck at the shop, I’ll buy you dinner. Deal?”

“Wow, that’s a way better deal than I was thinking. Done!” I was grinning widely, excited about the prospect of a shower… and maybe of dinner with Ethan.

“Okay, run up and hurry. I’ll meet you in the driveway in your truck in fifteen minutes so we can get there before the shop closes.”

“Sheesh.” I shook my head as I started out of the barn. “You don’t give a girl much time to primp!”

“Man up. You don’t need to primp for where we’re going.”

Nice.

I grabbed my clothes from the tack room and jogged up to Ethan’s house, Charlie running behind me and nipping at my heels. I was huffing and puffing by the time I got there, mostly from the cold and shuffling in the flip-flops. They no longer seemed like the greatest idea. I stripped my rain suit off quickly in the mudroom and dashed for the guest bathroom while Charlie got comfortable on the couch. Ethan didn’t have any roommates now, thank goodness, ’cause I was totally streaking. I turned on the water as hot as I thought I could stand it and stepped under the spray. It stung my cold skin, especially my feet, but felt absolutely blissful anyway. The warmth seeped into my bones and the water washed away all the dirt and hair of the day. I had to take an extra minute, or five, to just soak it all in. Eventually I realized I was spending way too much time and reluctantly turned off the water and hopped out to towel off. I also realized I’d left my clean clothes in the mudroom, so I wrapped the towel under my arms and scurried out to get my stuff. As I walked in the mudroom from one door, Ethan was walking in from the other, and we both stopped short. I felt like all the air was sucked from the small room.

“Oh, uhh, I forgot my clothes,” I said as I scooped them off the floor where I’d dropped them. I shouldn’t feel awkward. We’d been roommates. And, you know, he had seen me naked.

“Right, yeah. I was just coming to load up Charlie and to tell you we need to go. So, yeah, we’ll go wait in the truck.” He spun around and stalked back through the door with my dog right behind him. The door slammed back into place, making me jump into action.

I ran back to the bathroom and threw on jeans, bra, and a T-shirt. I never wore panties—they freaked me out. I pulled my hair into a messy bun and ran back out, sliding on my flip-flops and pulling on my jacket as I went.

“Sorry that took so long,” I said breathlessly as I slid into the passenger seat of my own truck. “I couldn’t make myself get out of the shower.”

Ethan threw me a sideways smile. “That’s fine. I didn’t mean to walk in on you. I was just making sure you hadn’t suffocated from horsehair inhalation.”

“Oh, that’s thoughtful. Thanks for checking on me,” I said with a measure of sarcasm. “You didn’t exactly walk in on me though. I didn’t mean to run through the house in a towel. I didn’t think anyone would be in there.”

“Yeah, I shouldn’t have gone in. I was just trying to rush you. Sorry—”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” I said. “It’s no big deal. I was in a towel. I have dresses that show more skin!” I laughed.

“I know, I know. I just don’t need a sexual-harassment lawsuit.” He laughed and flicked his gaze to me before returning it to the road.

I let my gaze run over his long, lean frame. He was wearing jeans and a navy, long-sleeved Henley that did nothing to hide the hard body beneath. “Yeah, I don’t think anyone in their right mind would file suit against you for that.”

He started to laugh again. “That right there. That’s sexual harassment.”

“I wasn’t the one worried about it.” I smiled inwardly.

We continued to drive, engaged in easy conversation until Ethan asked, “So, have you heard from Brett in a while?”

Wow
, I thought.
Out of left field. But okay.
“I’ve had a few texts, but I haven’t returned them or anything. Why?”

He paused. “Just curious. It was pretty fucked up.”

“Yeah, it was. But it made me realize that I didn’t feel for him as strongly as I thought. So it’s fine.”

“Fine?” A corner of his mouth lifted as he glanced at me.

“Fine. More than fine.” I smiled back. “You ever hear from Cyndi?”

“Cyndi. With just one
i
. Christ, that was horrible.” He laughed, shaking his head.

I choked back my laughter. Cyndi was the chick he… well… the one he hooked up with when we’d lived together. She was a wreck and had thought they were ready to get married and have babies within a few “dates.” When she’d realized he didn’t feel quite the same way, she trashed half the kitchen and even tried to blame the situation on me. And trust me, none of that crazy was my fault. Innocent bystander.

He shook his head minutely. “No, thank God. I meant it when I said I’m really not looking for anything serious. I never really talk about it, but family was… Fuck, we were ripped apart when my parents split. It was like a tornado, leveling everyone and everything in its path, and totally unexpected. I don’t ever want to put myself in that position again. And there are… there are parts of my life that are complicated.” He sighed.

I caught him stealing a sideways glance at me. And I can’t pretend there wasn’t a teeny tiny knife that twisted in my heart at his admission. But I also understood his viewpoint. So I just nodded slowly.

We spent the final minutes of the drive in relative silence. Ethan seemed comfortable, while my mind was running. Typical. We parted ways when he hopped into his own vehicle at the dealership, and I followed him to a total dive bar down a back road.

“What is this place?” I asked as we met up in the skeezy parking lot. I patted Charlie and left the windows cracked for her, then locked my doors. “I’m regretting my flip-flops more and more.”

“You should. It’s ridiculous you’re wearing them. But it won’t matter here. This place has the best hot dogs you could ever imagine.”

“Hot dogs? You’re taking me out for hot dogs? I can make hot dogs at home!”

He shook his head. “No you can’t. Not like these. Everything is homemade, from the ketchup to the bun to the wiener.”

“Well, far be it from me to discount a homemade wiener.”

We walked in and found a booth in the back, then set our jackets in the corner. A young, black-haired waitress came right over, handing us menus and eyeing Ethan hungrily. The softness of his shirt accentuated the definition in his arms and shoulders and clung to his hard chest. And he’d pushed up his sleeves, exposing his forearms. Let’s face it. The tattoos fulfilled, well, pretty much every girl’s fantasy. He was completely oblivious as he handed the menus right back to her, ordering us each a beer and some hot dog with a crazy name that apparently had everything on it. The waitress flounced away, and I sat staring at Ethan until he looked up and noticed.

“Did you really just order for me?”

“Do you trust me?” he asked with raised eyebrows.

“I don’t know.” I crossed my arms in front of me. My pink tee had a low scoop neck, and I saw his eyes flick down quickly to my chest. Smiling to myself, I left my arms just as they were. “On a horse, yes. With my hot dog”—I cocked my head to the side—“I’m pretty picky.”

“You’re gonna love it. Trust me.”

Our food arrived quickly because, let’s face it, it doesn’t take too long to throw even the best hot dog together. And I have to admit, it was amazing. The snap of the dog, softness of the bun, tang of all the toppings. Wiener perfection.

I finished quickly and leaned back, pushing my empty plate away with a sigh. “Okay, you can order for me anytime. I’ll never look at another wiener the same.”

He choked on his beer. “Never?”

“Never.”

“Well, I didn’t mean to ruin all wieners for you.” He paused and set down his drink thoughtfully. “I did actually bring you out for a reason though. We need a business meeting.”

“Oookay. Are you firing me?” I was joking. Kind of.

“No, actually I want to promote you.”

“Promote me? To what? Head barn slave?” I laughed.

“No. Well… yes, but no.” He smiled. “I’d like to assign you the title of assistant trainer. I want incoming clients to know you’ll be working with their horses as much as, if not more than, me. It’s especially important in the upcoming months. I’ve been contacted by a breeder in Kentucky to start their racehorses.”

He looked at me and tipped his beer in my direction. “On January 1, we’ll be getting ten two-year-olds to break and start getting fit. Our goal will be to get them trained on the ground, riding well, and begin a fitness program before they’ll start their race careers. I thought it would be a good fit with your exercise riding background plus you’re small enough for the babies. I haven’t given them an answer yet because I wanted to talk to you. This isn’t something I can do on my own, but it’s a really great opportunity. What do you think?”

I sat back to think for a bit while his eyes searched my face. “This is like a real job offer, isn’t it? Not just the pity job from before.”

“It’s a real offer.” He gave a small smile. “You’ve been great to work with, I don’t have to micromanage you, and you have an easy way with the horses.” He counted his points off on his fingers. “We’ll be working side by side to do the breaking. Neither one of us will do much on our own with them. Plus we need to keep all the other horses going at the same time. It’s going to be a lot of work. But there’s a raise in it for you as well. I’d like to put you on salary and bring you on full-time.”

I took a moment to fully consider. This was a step toward me being a real professional, with less risk than renting my own barn and finding my own clients. Ethan was very well established in the area, and I really could learn a lot from him, not only about riding but also about the business aspects. Plus I’d been enjoying the job. Aside from our awkward, post-sex week, the atmosphere within the barn was wonderful. The horses were great. The clients were mainly absent but paid their bills on time. It was a far cry from the bustle and drama at the racetrack. It had given me time to gain strength and get back in shape, and I felt ready to move forward.

“If I agree to this, I feel like I need to start riding a few more challenging horses rather than just Great White and Aunt Jemima so I can get conditioned to break horses.”

“I’m not even one hundred percent certain which horses you’re referring to, but yes. As long as you feel up to it, there’s not a horse in the barn you can’t ride. As assistant trainer, you’d even have the option of competing with some of the horses and bringing in your own clients.”

He was leaning forward, elbows on the table, with his hands clasped in front of him. I stared at those hands while I mulled over whether I was ready to commit to this, but my mind started to wander briefly. I’d secretly always loved Ethan’s hands. They were very masculine but not thick. He had long fingers that could almost be considered elegant and maybe would have turned out that way if he’d had a different profession. As it was, as his hands had drifted over my entire body, I’d felt the calluses he’d acquired from years spent holding the reins. The contrast of his gentle touch with the roughness of his skin on the softness of my skin…