Size Matters (8 page)

CHAPTER
Twelve

B
RYN CHECKED
her email and found two messages from Forever Mate, the online dating site. The butterflies in her stomach went wacky. It felt a little like being in high school and finding a note in her locker.

Bryn clicked the link to take her to her profile. A bright red heart blinked in the upper right-hand corner with a number two on it. She clicked it and opened her in-box.

Hey. My name is Wayne. I saw you like Italian food. Me too. If you tell me where you live I can come over and cook you dinner. Let me know.

That was just creepy. No way was she giving her address to some guy she didn’t know. Delete. She clicked on the other message.

Hi. I hope this doesn’t come off as awkward. I’ve never done this before. My name is Joel. I’m thirty-two, single, no kids. Tried the bar scene and it just wasn’t working. A friend convinced me to do the online thing. Yours was the first profile that interested me. You sound really cool. Check out my page, and if I sound like the kind of guy you’d like to get to know, reply and we’ll set something up. Thanks.

Now that was a guy who knew how to act like a normal human being. Oh, and he was cute! Sandy blond hair, pretty eyes, just a touch of stubble. Likes: boating, camping, travel, Mexican food, old movies. Dislikes: messiness, seafood, rap music. Career: I own my own business. What I’m looking for: a woman to enjoy life with and grow old with.

Sure sounded like a nice, normal guy to her. She clicked back to her in-box and hit reply.

Hi! I’m Bryn. You sound like just what I’m looking for. I’d love to get to know each other better.

She hit send. Done. There was a man on the other end who could possibly be the guy for her. This was exciting, a new chapter in her life. And she felt kind of giddy about it.

BRYN PULLED
into the driveway for the school, kids already heading to their cars with their parents. She walked inside, stopping first at the four-to-six room to grab Cammie. Jax and Zach were in the seven-to-ten age group. They crossed the hall to find the room mostly empty, the boys drawing on the giant dry-erase board.

“Hello, Mrs. Harper. How are you?”

“Good. How were the boys today?”

She made a funny face, a slight pursing of her lips. “Can we talk a minute?”

Uh-oh. “Sure.” She followed Miss McCann to the corner where her desk was. “What did they do now?”

“It’s not both boys, just Jaxson.”

Bryn sighed. “He didn’t hit anyone did he? He’s been so moody and mad lately. I don’t know what to do.”

“No. He didn’t hit anyone. The only person he put his hands on was himself, if you . . . um . . . know what I mean.”

She didn’t. Could this teacher just spit it out? “I’m sorry. I really don’t know what you’re getting at.”

“I found him today. Alone.” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Touching himself.”

“Oh.”

“I asked the kids to line up so we could go outside and play on the playground and he wasn’t there. I looked around and found him in the corner behind the bookshelf. His shorts were unzipped and his hand was inside.”

“I’m so sorry.” Bryn didn’t know what else to say.

“It’s not my place to have that kind of discussion with him, so I told him to fix himself and join the other children.”

“I will definitely talk with him.” God help me. This was supposed to be Johnny’s department, not hers. “Thank you for not bringing too much attention to him.”

“No problem. We’ll see you next week.”

Bryn gathered the kids and headed for home. Luckily the whole dinner process kept her busy with no mental capability to think about anything else. She did not have the energy to deal with the masturbation thing just yet.

Once the kids were fed and cleaned up, Bryn poured herself a glass of wine and headed for the backyard. She relaxed into the hammock, the midsummer sun starting its descent. So many nights she’d lain there thinking of Johnny while he was a world away. Wondering if he was okay, if he missed her, the kids. Counting the days until he’d be home. Until she’d stopped because there were no more left to count. He’d never be coming home again. Except for the casket they’d unloaded from the belly of an airplane.

“I so need you right now, Johnny,” she whispered as a tear trailed down her cheek. “I don’t know what to do.”

If she closed her eyes, she could see his face. She could hear his voice saying what she needed to hear most

“Bee, you’re the best mom ever. You always figure it out and do what’s best for us.”

A soft breeze blew, circling her, and sending a chill through her body. But her heart felt warm. Johnny was right. She could do this. But she sure as hell wished she didn’t have to.

Bryn downed the rest of her wine. She’d need all the liquid courage she could get. She went back into the house. Cammie and Zach were playing video games in the den, and there was no sign of Jaxson anywhere. She headed upstairs to his bedroom, stopping in front of his closed door. Oh crap. Was she about to interrupt him?

She knocked loudly.

“What do you want?”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh. Mom. I’m sorry.” He opened the door, fully clothed, fully zipped. “I thought you were Zach bugging me to come play that stupid kid game again.”

“Okay, but you shouldn’t talk to your brother that way, either.”

“He won’t leave me alone. He’s so annoying.”

“He loves you and looks up to you.” They were getting off topic. “But that’s not why I’m here. Can I come in so we can talk?”

He shoved his hands into his pockets, face downward, staring at the floor. “Miss McCann told you, didn’t she?”

Bryn stepped in and put her hands on his shoulders, leading him to the bed. They both sat down. “Yes. We need to talk about it.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” He wouldn’t look at her. “I know it was bad and I won’t do it again.”

“It’s not bad.” She didn’t want the kid thinking masturbation was a sin. He just had to understand there were rules about when it was and wasn’t okay to do it.

“It’s not?” He looked up at her and she saw the baby boy she had brought home from the hospital almost a decade ago. And now here she was, having a conversation with him about self-pleasuring.

“No. It’s a normal, natural thing. But it’s not something you do in a public place.”

“Can I do it in my room?” You’d think the kid was asking for a candy bar.

“Um. Yeah. That’s fine.”

“But what if Zach or Cammie walk in? You gotta tell them to stay out of my room.”

“I will.”

“Thanks, Mom.” He flashed a smile full of adult teeth too big for his little-boy mouth and hugged her. “Do you wanna see the cool paper airplane I made at camp today?”

“Sure.” And with that, Bryn had her little boy back.

AFTER FLIPPING
channels for a while, Bryn got up to head to bed, but she noticed the computer was still on. She shook the mouse, ready to shut it down, but remembered her Internet guy. She logged into Forever Mate and saw she had a new message from him.

Hi again. Thanks for replying. So how do we do this? Do we just start talking about what we like? LOL I like camping. I spend 90 percent of my vacation time out in the woods. I see you like the beach. That’s outdoors. It counts.

He added a little smiley face emoticon at the end of the paragraph. Too cute.

I see you own your own business, too. That’s another thing we have in common. We can complain to each other about how tough it can be sometimes. But also about how much we love it.

Talk to you soon. Joel

This guy sounded better and better with each sentence. Bryn hit the reply button and started typing, but a little message box popped up in the lower right-hand corner with a
ding
.

OutdoorGuy34:
Hey. I noticed you were online right now. How was your day?

It was Joel. Should she reply to the pop-up or reply to the email message?

She went with the instant message thing.

SassyLady:
Hi. It was good. How about you?

Did that sound dumb? Too late now, since she’d already hit enter.

OutdoorGuy34:
Crazy day. This time of year is always tough. Everyone wants their lawn mowed and fertilized. I own a landscaping company. Did I tell you that?

Interesting. That explained the nice tan. And he had to be a hard worker. Another check in the pros column.

SassyLady:
Cool. I own a lingerie boutique with my best friend. It’s called Classy ’n’ Sassy.

Oops. Maybe she shouldn’t have said that. She just met the guy and now he knew where she worked. Great. Too late now.

They chatted about their businesses and how hard it was to find good employees, the pluses of being your own boss, and the negatives that went along with it, too. It was nice to chat with someone who got it. He seemed like a perfectly normal guy. It was probably fine that he knew where she worked.

Bryn happened to glance at the time in the corner of her screen. Holy crap! It was almost one in the morning.

SassyLady:
Didn’t realize how late it was. I need to go to bed. 7 a.m. is gonna come real fast.

It had been a long time since Bryn had stayed up way past her bedtime chatting with a boy.

OutdoorGuy34:
Any chance we can continue this conversation tomorrow, face-to-face? We can meet for coffee or something.

Wow. She wasn’t expecting that. Should she be meeting him in person so soon? It was too late to call Mia or Penny to ask. She’d just have to go with her gut.

SassyLady:
Sure. Sounds like fun.

This may be either the smartest or the dumbest move ever. But so far, Joel seemed really nice. It was time she started putting herself out there a little more. She wasn’t going to get what she wanted by being timid and not taking chances.

CHAPTER
Thirteen

B
RYN UNLOCKED
the shop and barely set her things down before Penny walked in. Or more like dragged herself in. Straggly hair, pale face, glasses—she never wore glasses—a plain shirt and pants, no jewelry. Had she even showered?

“Pen, you don’t look so good. Do you feel okay?”

“No . . .” She met Bryn’s gaze and the floodgates opened. Through sobs she managed to say, “Jack and I had a fight.”

“Come here.” Bryn pulled her into her arms and let her cry, smoothing her ratty hair. “Shhh. Calm down. Take a deep breath.” It was the same way she comforted her kids when they were upset, though she’d probably offer Penny something far stronger than warm milk to sip on.

Once she got Penny calmed down, she handed her a glass of wine. Yes, they kept wine at the shop. And no, nine fifteen was not too early in this situation.

“What happened?”

“It was the same as it’s been for months. We didn’t do it two nights ago, to save up the sperm like we’re supposed to, so last night was the night. I got into bed and started fooling around and he said he didn’t want to do it.” She stopped to guzzle some wine. “He said he was sick of having sex.”

She sipped some more as another tear trailed down her flushed cheek.

“Oh, Penny. You gotta cut him some slack. He didn’t mean it. He’s probably just as stressed about all this as you are.”

“I went to the doctor yesterday. I didn’t tell him I was going, but I couldn’t wait any longer. They did an exam and took some blood. She wants me to keep track of my temperature every day to see when I’m ovulating.” She started crying again and sipped some more wine.

“Okay. That sounds like normal procedure.”

“They want Jack to get his sperm tested. So last night, when we were in bed, I told him about it. And he got so mad. He started yelling and said there’s no way he’s going to the doctor’s and jerking off into a cup. And then . . .” She stopped to wipe her nose on a tissue. “He said it’s probably my fault. There’s something wrong with me.”

“He said that?” Bryn’s chest warmed, her temperature rising a few degrees with her anger. “What an—” She stopped herself from spitting out what was on her mind. She shouldn’t call her friend’s husband an asshole. But she sure as hell wanted to. “So what happened next?”

“He started a huge fight. We screamed at each other for hours.”

Bryn had never been through anything like that before. Sure, she and Johnny had fought, but usually over stupid stuff like who ate the last Oreo. She didn’t know what to say to make it better, so she hugged Penny and refilled her wine.

“We argued about every damn thing. Every stupid little annoyance.” Her tears dried and her tone changed to anger. “Finally he went to the couch at three and I cried till at least four. I think I fell asleep by five, but woke up every half hour until my alarm at seven thirty. I hit snooze a few times, so I didn’t have time to get ready.”

“I’m sorry you had such a rough night. You can go home if you want. I’ll be fine without you.”

She shook her head. “No. I need to keep myself occupied. I promise I’ll go in the bathroom and clean myself up. I don’t want to scare customers away.”

“I’ll take care of the customers. You just go hang out in your office and work on promo. That should take your mind off everything.”

“I think I need that. Thanks.” She stood and hugged Bryn again.

“Maybe you guys need to just chill out and take a break from baby stuff. It’s gotta be tough when you want it so badly, but you need to keep your marriage intact.”

“You’re right,” Penny said as she pulled away. “Maybe we can go out to dinner and a movie or something. Reconnect.”

“That sounds like a fantastic idea.”

The door chime sounded, ending their powwow. Penny dashed toward the bathroom and Bryn tidied the front counter. But she couldn’t stop thinking about her friend. It must be so heartbreaking to want something so badly and not be able to have it.

Bryn wanted some things really badly, too, but they seemed pretty trivial now. She had three amazing kids and lots of happiness in her life. Maybe she should take her own advice and chill out. If she was meant to find a man, it would happen. She needed to just relax and not try so hard.

All she needed to do was convince her horny vagina that it didn’t need a man this instant.

ELI SAT
at the sandwich shop, staring at a half-eaten chicken club and a birthday party invitation with a guitar and multicolored musical notes surrounding it. He’d been pretty shocked when Amelia had handed it to him the day before when he’d picked her up from day camp. Right on the envelope it said Amelia, Austin, and Eli.

After the way Bryn had ended things, this was a shock. She’d made it sound like he was gum on the bottom of her shoe and wanted nothing more than to scrape him off and be done with him. But now she’d invited him to her house for her kid’s birthday party. Talk about mixed signals.

He just had to figure out what the hell to do. He couldn’t keep Amelia and Austin from going. They loved Bryn and her kids and it would be wrong to make them miss it. But him? Could he just drop them off and pick them up later on? That didn’t seem like a good idea, either.

Maybe this was Bryn’s way of apologizing. Maybe she still wanted to be friends. He hated that word now, when it came to describing her. He wanted far more than that. But if he could mend fences as her friend, maybe he still stood a chance.

For now, he would step back and be the friend she needed. Someday soon he’d be able to move forward again.

Eli picked up his phone and searched out Bryn’s house number in his recent calls list, knowing he’d most likely get her machine.

“Hey, Bryn,” he said, keeping it casual and breezy. “Just calling to RSVP for Jax’s birthday party. We’ll all be there. Thanks for inviting us. See you soon.”

There. Done. Too bad the party was three weeks away. It was going to be a long three weeks not talking to her or seeing her. But if it’s what he had to do, he’d survive. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

BRYN GATHERED
the kids’ things and herded them out the door and onto her parents’ front porch. “Bye, Mom,” she yelled as she opened the screen door for herself. “Thanks. I’ll see you later.” She was almost home free.

“Wait, can we talk a sec?”

And she’d been so good at avoiding all conversation with her mother so far. She didn’t need another upsetting argument right now. She had enough drama going on elsewhere in her life.

“The kids are already outside.”

“They’ll be fine. They play out there all the time.”

She let the door close and stepped back inside. “Okay. What do you want to talk about?”

“Are you still seeing that man?”

“What man?”

She crossed her arms over her chest. “Is there more than just the one?”

“Eli and I are done. But I have a date with Troy on Saturday.” She sure as hell wasn’t going to mention the online dating thing. That would start a whole new argument. “Happy now?”

Getting all snotty about it wasn’t the mature thing to do, but Bryn was so done with these conversations.

“Who is Troy?”

“I don’t know. A friend of Oliver’s.”

“You don’t know anything about him but you’re going out on a date with him?”

“This conversation is over.” Bryn pushed the screen door open again and stepped outside. Her mother followed.

“You need to be careful. There are a lot of wackos out there.”

“I can take care of myself, Mom.”

“With the way you’ve been acting lately, I’m not so sure.”

Keep walking. Don’t say a word. Ignore her. And for God’s sake, keep those tears inside!

Bryn pressed the button for the minivan door and it slid open. “Get in, guys. Let’s go home and have dinner.”

She drove the few blocks home, deciding to focus on how angry she was and not how upsetting her mother’s words had been. Who the hell gave her the right to imply she was stupid and naive? Is that how a mother should act? Bryn would never do that to her children.

The kids hopped out of the van before Bryn could roll up the windows and turn off the engine. She was going to forget this happened and just enjoy the evening with her kids.

“I’m hungry.”

“Me, too.”

“When’s dinner?”

She’d barely put both feet inside the house before the kids barraged her with their typical “I’m staaarrrvvving” complaints.

“Soon. Go wash up and you can help. Pita pizzas tonight.”

The quick and easy go-to meal was one her kids always scarfed down. Bryn set out the toppings and the kids loaded up their pitas with whatever they wanted. Ten minutes in the oven and dinner was ready. She got them settled at the kitchen table and went back to the stove to fetch her own food. She then noticed the answering machine blinking.

“Hey, Bryn.” She knew the voice immediately and it caused a ruckus in her gut, tingles and flutters flying all through her body. Eli. “Just calling to RSVP for Jax’s birthday party. We’ll all be there. Thanks for inviting us. See you soon.”

She’d just talked about him with her mother and felt nothing, but hearing his voice. Oh man. She hadn’t expected to feel this way. It was hard to understand. Did she miss him?

Her brain shot her all kinds of photos and videos of her time with Eli. There had been a lot of good times. Could she forget the issues he had and how frustrated it made her? This whole dating thing was supposed to be fun, not so damn confusing.