Smoke. Fire. Cowboy (Cowboys of Nirvana Book 3) (14 page)

She took a step toward him. “I’m sorry that you had to sneak around, Jared. I’m sorry  this brings back bad memories.”

He shrugged and she swore she heard a seam break in his shirt. “I had an asshole for a father and a neglectful mom. Hell, many kids have suffered worse. My dad said he hit us as a way of saying ‘I love you’.”

Her stomach clenched. Before she knew what she was doing, she went to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “My heart breaks for you. No kid should have to live as you did.” What should have been a moment to cherish, quickly turned into something else. She realized when he’d tensed that he wasn’t prepared to let her in.

He pulled back, pushing her arms away. His jaw was steely, matching his eyes. “Don’t do that, Sofie. Don’t feel sorry for me.” His voice was thick.

“I-I’m not feeling sorry for you. I would give the same compassion to anyone.”

“Yeah, but this is me we’re talking about.”

“It’s okay to open up.” She wrapped her arms around her waist.

“The past is the past. Let it stay there. I’m not one of those men who open up and share emotions. I never have been and never will be.” His words were harsh and coming out of nowhere.

“Everyone is vulnerable at times. Letting down your guard on occasion, especially to someone who cares, is normal.”

He sniffed loudly. “If I open up, trust me, caring for me is the last thing you’ll do.” He blinked and all trace of his emotion was gone.

“We all have secrets, Jared. We all have bad memories and demons we’re juggling. I’m not asking you to spill everything, just let me see inside, even if it’s only a glimpse.” Her words were next to pleading. She wanted to know him, more than physical pleasure.

“Tell me, why do you care so much?” He closed his eyes a mere second as if to gather his emotions. He seemed to carry the world in the pale depths.

“I care because you are special,” she said. “You’re unique, different than anyone I’ve ever met.” Her bottom lip quivered.

“Growing up, all I wanted was to be like everyone else, normal. I used to see my buddies with their families eating at the dinner table, laughing. Hell, sometimes arguing, but it was the best danged thing I’d ever seen. People gathering around just to spend time together.” He snorted. “When my dad saw me coming, he walked the opposite direction. I used to dream that we’d sit down together at the table and just talk. That he’d for once ask me how my day went, did I make a tackle at football, did I make the honor roll. Closest thing I got to him caring was an opened bottle of beer passed to me. Misery loves company.”

Sofie’s eyes filled with tears and she inhaled sharply. She didn’t want to cry. She wanted to remain strong for him. Her heart ached for this man who stood before her without a sliver of weakness. He always had to be strong. “It’s not too late to have something, everything you’ve always dreamed of as a child.”

He chuckled. “I’d say that ship has sailed, sweetheart.”

“Change is on the horizon. You just have to be willing to grab it.”

“My past is written in stone. There’s nothing I can do to change the fact that I fell from a sour, rotten tree. You have to accept it just as I have.”

“You can’t alter the past, but you can determine the future. It can be as bright as you wish.”

His shoulders sagged.  The creases around his eyes and mouth made him appear older. “We’re taking risks, Sofie. Risks that could change our lives. You and me sneaking around. Not using protection.” He swallowed. “If we…”

“What, Jared?” She needed him to continue.

“You don’t know me. Hell, lately I don’t know myself. One mistake and we could mess our lives up forever.”

“You’re talking about a pregnancy, right?” He nodded. “Would that be so bad?” What was she saying? She hadn’t thought her words through carefully. Yet, when she thought of having a child, she couldn’t see how the situation could ever be a mistake.

He blew out a long breath. “Do you really see yourself doing this for the rest of your life?” He lifted his hands in the air, encompassing the room in one sweep of his arms.

“Being a Life Skills Coach? No, I don’t. “

“I’m talking about living on a working ranch. With a man who gets his hands dirty for a living.”

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

“Nirvana isn’t exactly a working ranch, darlin’. It’s a paradise.”

“I have a feeling no matter how I answered, it would be wrong.” She sighed. “Why the hot and cold attitude?”  

“Like I said, sweetheart, I’m not the marrying type. You’d do right by keeping that in mind.”

His words bulldozed through her. She inhaled, but her lungs wouldn’t fill with air. Tears blurred her eyes, but she couldn’t cry. Not in front of him. Her world shattered. “Then we’re on the same page because I don’t think you’re the marrying type either.” There…she’d given him a piece of his own pie. It was a defense mechanism, learned from being hurt before.

“Good. I’m glad that’s settled.”

“I see full well what you’re doing here, Jared. This is your way of getting rid of me. You’re starting to feel emotion and it’s scaring you. Well, I’m scared too. I’m frightened that you’ll walk away and I’ll never, ever, feel like I do at this moment again. I am willing to walk out of this building and announce to Nirvana, the world, that you make me feel like I can walk on clouds and soar along the highest mountains. Imagine this, Jared…wrap your brain around what I’m saying. You, a man who doesn’t give himself enough credit, makes someone happy…has made someone love him.”

His eyes widened and his jaw tightened. He straightened his hat and walked to the door as confident and unaffected as ever while she could barely stand on her quaking legs. He didn’t even look at her when he said, “Maybe I’m doing you a favor.”

And then he was gone. She went to the couch and slumped down on the cushion. She loved Jared. The words had come so easily—and so had his rejection.

CHAPTER NINE

Jared brushed the horse’s neck and his shoulder screamed in protest. He was too damn tense, had been since he’d left Sofie’s office that morning. He even felt a throbbing start in his temples. Dropping the brush into the bucket, he patted the mare on the back then looked past her “Jace, I’m heading to my cabin to grab something. Will you put Hester back into the stall?”

Jace gave him a thumb’s up sign. “See you at the hog roast later.”

Shit! He’d almost forgotten that he’d have to face people tonight.

Relieved of his duties, Jared headed toward the shortcut across the field.

He’d felt like a jerk since his conversation with Sofie. He’d pulled back—way back. One second he was holding her, overcome with so much emotion that he thought he could have dropped to one knee and given her his soul. Then the knock on the door came, like a dousing of cold water on his feelings. He’d stepped away, took a long, hard look at how deep he was in this thing with her, and he’d felt like he was drowning.

Over the years, with every woman he had sex with, he’d always, without question, worn a condom. Even if she swore she was protected, he still took the extra step and did what he knew was best. He’d really screwed up with Sofie. He felt like he’d let her down in some way.

He knew he was clean when it came to diseases, but he wasn’t sure if he had little swimmers that could welcome him or herself into the world in nine months. Shaking his head, he scrubbed his jaw. Why didn’t that idea seem to scare Sofie? Jared passing down his sour gene pool should make any woman scream in fright.

Simple fact was, he’d let his guard down. She made it easy for him with her soft voice and her softer curves that hypnotized him into submission. He couldn’t believe he’d taken the risk and snuck into her office, without intention of having sex with her—well, it hadn’t been his intention for going—but he’d wanted just to see her, to say hello and good morning. Every morning when he awoke, she was already gone from his bed.

She told him she loved him. Had he been hearing things? Sofie loved him?

He had an urge to do a cartwheel, but his aching shoulders would probably give out on him. The hell with this sharing shit! This wasn’t him. He never saw himself married, kids, a white picket fence…and yet maybe he did because every time he looked at Sofie, he saw further ahead in his future than he ever had before.

Jerking his head back and forth, he hoped he could wedge the stupidity right from his thoughts. His dad had told him enough times that he was a loser and wouldn’t amount to anything but being an asshole and a “whore” like his mother. How could Jared believe that he could make someone happy, especially someone like Sofie who made the world a brighter place just by being in it? Her smile competed against the sun’s rays, and certainly did mysterious, magical things to his insides.

Anything he was feeling needed to hit the road and fast. He wasn’t the man for Sofie. She deserved a hero—like Chase.

The best thing Jared could want in life was to have a ranch of his own. Unfortunately, his parents’ blood rolled through his veins and there was always the chance he would be toxic to someone he cared for. He couldn’t do that to anyone. Couldn’t ask anyone to take a risk on him.

As he stepped back onto the narrow lane, he shot a glance in the wrong direction, toward the administrative offices. He had a strong desire to deviate off his beaten path again and sneak through the woods. That morning’s detour through the thorn bushes had left him with a sore butt. Not to mention a snake had slithered across his boot. All of that to get to the one person who could make him smile from the roots of his hair to the tips of his toes. Best damn feeling ever!

He’d caused her pain. He’d seen the emotion in her eyes when he lashed out unnecessarily at her—angry at himself for opening up. That should show her that he couldn’t be trusted.

Rubbing his forehead, he wished he wouldn’t have gone to her office, then he wouldn’t feel like a jerk now. He’d still be flying high on the idea that a ray of sunshine shone down on his life.

He heard wheels on the gravel and he turned as a Gator came his direction. Maverick was behind the wheel and he pulled over. “Need a lift, buddy?”

Jared slipped into the passenger side and secured his hat on his knee so it wouldn’t fly off with the wind. He wanted to make the ride in silence, but Maverick had a different idea.

“Don’t bottle all of the emotion up, son. It’ll only cause you harm.”

Jared sniffed loudly. “Pot. Kettle. Black.”

Maverick laughed, but he quickly sobered. “I guess you’re right. My wife, well, she was killed in a car accident.”

Jared shifted in the seat. “I’m sorry.” Hell, what more could he say. “I wasn’t pressuring you into telling me anything.”

“We had been arguing about something stupid, don’t even remember the details or the reason, but she was late for work and left in a hurry. I do remember what she was wearing and how her long hair glistened in the sun as she headed toward her car.” Maverick smiled, but it didn’t last long. “I never saw her again. I lived with enough regret and guilt that, for a long time, I didn’t want to go on—didn’t see the need. Why should a bastard like me live and a sweet woman like Sara die?” His voice turned thick.

“Some questions don’t have answers.” Jared rubbed his aching jaw. He’d often wondered how his father hadn’t killed himself, or someone else, each time he got behind the wheel.

“One evening I got on my horse, riding like a maniac, praying to God that he’d pull me out of my misery. I rode on and on. The fog had settled like a grey curtain and I could barely see, but I knew the land like the back of my hand. Realizing I was going nowhere fast, I slowed down as I came upon the edge of the property line. I’m not even sure how I saw it, but I did. Part of the guardrail on the bridge was missing. I investigated and what I saw changed my life. Sitting at the bottom of the creek was a car, rolled up against the side of the embankment, smoke billowing out of the front. I’d never moved so fast in my life as I raced down that hill, sliding most of the way and picking myself up.”

“What happened?” Jared looked at the profile of his friend, shocked at what he was hearing.

“It was a teenager, a girl. She was slumped over the wheel, blood in her hair and all over her face. I thought she was dead, but she whimpered. So low I thought I was imagining the sound. I carried her up that slippery hill, begging and pleading with God to save that young girl’s life. Hell, I didn’t know if He would be listening to me, a man who cared so little about life that it could have been me at the bottom of that creek.”

“Did she live?”

“She lived. In fact, we still keep in touch.” Some of the twinkle came back to his eye. “She’s a woman now, married, a baby on the way. I can tell you, I look at every day differently. It’s not always pleasant, and the pain is still there, but I believe everyone can learn from their past. You see, that was the promise I made to myself that day I saved her, if that young lady lived I’d never again take anything for granted.”

Jared leaned into the seat, caught off guard. Maverick never talked about his life before Nirvana. “You have nothing to run from, my friend.”

Maverick lifted a shoulder and let it slip. “Well, if I’m going to ask you to admit what in the hell you’re doing with Sofie, then I thought it might be best if I told you a little about myself first.”

“Sofie and I are not—”

Maverick held up a hand. “I don’t care what the details are, bro, but you’re playing with fire when it comes to her.”

“I’m not going to hurt her.” Jared automatically shifted into defense mode.

“Hell, that’s not what I’m thinking.” Maverick chuckled. “She’s going to hurt you and you’re going to stop being bullheaded and allow fate to run its course, or lose the best damn thing you’ve ever had your paws on.”

“She won’t hurt me. I don’t have enough feelings to have them hurt. We’re not in this for a relationship.” His throat ached.

“I saw the way you looked at her yesterday, buddy. I know that look. Hell, I saw that same expression recently on Chase’s face when he met Kaycee. There’s something about Nirvana. Puts a whole new spin on love.”

Jared laughed. “Then you better keep your heart close and not worry about mine.”

“Just be careful. Don’t do what you’d normally do.”

“And what do you think that is?” Jared asked out of simple curiosity.

“You run away.”

Maverick pulled up in front of Jared’s cabin and let him out. “Does anyone else know?” he asked.

“I don’t think so, but it’s not easy to miss.” Maverick dipped his hat and kicked up a cloud of dust as he took off.

Once inside, Jared took a bottle of ibuprofen down from the cabinet, shook two tablets into his palm and popped them into his mouth. He bent over and drank water from the faucet, swallowing the pills. Hopefully the pain reliever would ease some of the stinging in his muscles, but he knew nothing could help the pain in his chest.   

Peering through the window, he watched as raindrops splattered against the glass. This wasn’t good weather for an outdoor gathering. A part of him hoped it would be cancelled, but a bigger part knew how hard Sofie had been working on planning the shindig and he didn’t want her disappointed.

He wondered if anything would ever be the same?

Not now that he’d touched Sofie.

The rain stopped about as quickly as it started, leaving in its wake a bright, colorful rainbow stretching over the treetops. He smiled. The end of the rainbow seemed to stop right on top of the administrative offices.

Was this a sign? Of what? He didn’t believe in that stuff. Yet, his eyes were glued to the sky and his mind was devoted to thoughts of Sofie.

Pushing away from the counter, he grabbed two slices of bread and stuck them in the toaster. He needed something to help settle his stomach. He grabbed a bottle of water from the mini fridge and drank most of it by the time his toast was ready. Smothering it with a thick layer of jam, he took a big bite and swallowed when he noticed something shiny underneath his bed.

Dropping his toast on a paper towel, he went to the side of his bed and lowered to his knees, retrieving the item along with a few dust bunnies. He stared at the delicate bracelet in his palm. Sofie must have dropped it that morning. He lifted each charm. A heart. A tag with the word Italy engraved into the metal. A horse. He lingered on the next, a new one he hadn’t seen before. A cowboy hat. He turned it over and read the inscription,
“With a secret comes love.”

He dropped down to his bottom and leaned against the mattress. His gut ached.

Sofie had a hold on him. The unimaginable was happening. He had fallen.

He could never go back to the meaningless, short-term, noncommittal encounters with women. He wasn’t even sure he could continue working at Nirvana. Life was changing. He wanted someone to talk to after a hard day on the land. How could he function knowing she was a few doors down from him and he couldn’t touch her—couldn’t have her.

Sofie came out of nowhere. They didn’t really have anything in common, and yet they were so alike. Could they make things work?

He reminded himself that most of what they’d shared over the last days had been physical. Nonetheless, he wasn’t acting out of impulse. There was a nagging in his chest that warned him this wasn’t just a passing fling.

Standing, he dropped the bracelet on the table and went into the bathroom. His thoughts stayed with Sofie as he showered. He lifted his chin and the hot spray splattered like tiny needles against his forehead. He wished they would ooze into his brain and wash away all of his doubts. He wanted to be a better man, wanted to see himself through Sofie’s eyes.

****

Sofie wasn’t in a partying mood.

She had no choice but to plaster on a fake smile and mingle with the staff members, pretending that life was good when she was forcing her brain to stop thinking of Jared and what happened between them earlier.

“Hey, pretty lady. Why the frown?” Dodge was beside her, concern etching wrinkles around his eyes. She liked the cowboy. He was long away from his days as a football star and the injuries that had put him out of the game. His easygoing nature could always brighten others.

“Was I frowning? I was only thinking,” she said.

Dodge hooked his thumbs into his front pockets. “Are you ready for a new season?”

No.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Gets a little crazy around here, especially with all of the changes, but I’m ready for some noise around these parts.” He dipped his hat. “Nice talking to you, ma’am. I’m going to go get me a slice of that hog before the boys make it disappear.”

She watched him walk away and then her gaze met steely lasers focused on her. Jared watched her from afar. His tight jaw was tilted and his hat was pushed back on his forehead. Her body ached to walk up to him, wrap her arms around his neck, and pull him down for a kiss. Screw what anybody thought, but her feet were frozen to the ground. After their conversation in her office, she wasn’t sure what to think—or feel. He’d again pulled away.

Her shoulders slumped and she removed her gaze. How could she fall for a man who was merely supposed to be a guilty pleasure? He was a treasure, an illegal drug wearing a wicked smile and a sexy come-hither look. He was charming enough to convince an ice cube into jumping into a glass.