Smoke. Fire. Cowboy (Cowboys of Nirvana Book 3) (16 page)

“Oh no. Where’s he going?” Sofie held her hand to her pounding pulse in her throat.

“To get himself killed.” Jared raced into one of the stalls and Sofie watched as he quickly and skillfully saddled up a mare.

“Should you go after him? Both of you could get hurt.” Her voice trembled.

Jared climbed into the saddle, grasping the reins tight. “I did this. I have to make it right. Stay by the radio in case I need you,” he said then headed in the direction where Dade had disappeared.

Sofie waited until she could no longer hear the pounding of hooves echoing through the darkness and then she went back to the radio. She wasn’t sure how long she’d sat there until the speaker finally buzzed and Jared’s frantic voice came over the receiver. “Sofie? Are you there?”

She pushed the button. “Yes, I’m here.”

“Go get Maverick and Jennifer. Tell them Dade is hurt…he fell off the horse.”

“He fell off the horse?” Her heart raced, beating so hard she thought it would burst out of her chest.

“Hurry, Sofie. Now!”

She practically threw the radio back into the holder, kicked the Gator in reverse and drove off, throwing up grass and dirt as she sped toward the gathering at the bonfire. If something happened to Dade, something horribly bad, she’d never forgive herself.

CHAPTER TEN

Jared pushed the extra sweet and cream button on the machine, watching as the paper cup fell to the window and coffee poured from the spout. The brew tasted like shit, but what did he expect from a machine in the lobby at the hospital. He was lucky to have caffeine to keep him awake.

He reached through the plastic door and retrieved his cup, spotting the dried crimson on the sleeve of his shirt. Dade’s blood. His chest tightened and he swallowed back the raging emotion. He took his coffee and sipped the hot brew, not caring that it burnt all the way into his stomach. He’d drown himself in it if he could rewind time.

There was no possibility he’d ever forget seeing Dade, lying still in the grass, his legs sprawled at a twisted angle and blood pooling around his head. At first, Jared thought he was dead, but after checking his pulse, he found a faint one. He’d done exactly what Maverick had done when he came up on the hurt girl in the wreck. Jared had prayed, something so foreign to him that he had wondered if a strike of lightening would come from the sky setting him on fire. He would have given his own life to save Dade.

Thankfully, Maverick and Jennifer, both certified in emergency medical care, came to the rescue until they could transport Dade safely.

The next ten hours had been a blur. Jared scanned the lobby where Chase and Kaycee sat together, both asleep. They hadn’t left the hospital either. Dodge sat stretched out in one of the ripped vinyl loungers, staring off into space. Jace was sprawled out on a wooden chair, his head hung back, his mouth open and snoring loudly. Maverick had left an hour ago. He was tending to ranch duties, but would be back later.

The doctors had been working on Dade, saving his life. They hadn’t said much about the prognosis, and everyone waited in nervous silence. Every time the swinging doors came open, Jared thought he’d lose his mind.

Hearing the soft click of footsteps, he turned just in time to see Sofie approaching. She hadn’t left his side since the accident. His heart fluttered as she stopped next to him. As much as that scared the hell out of him, it also filled his chest with pride.

Then the feeling of guilt struck him like a tractor. He couldn’t bear to feel so much love at the same time feeling so much guilt knowing that Dade was fighting for his life. Jared had known how much Dade liked Sofie. Although as young and naïve as Dade was, Jared never meant to hurt his friend. They picked on the younger man, but they all cared for him—they cared for each other. He thought of every single one of them as friends—no, as family. They were his brothers from another mother. He’d let one of them down.

Sofie sighed. She hadn’t slept but a few winks in the last day. Her clothes were wrinkled and her face was pale, but she was still the most beautiful woman he’d laid eyes on. He had grown to care for her, and for a man who’d closed out any hope of ever letting anyone, even a lovely woman, this was a big revelation.

She touched his arm and he forced a smile. They hadn’t said more than two words to each other since they arrived at the hospital. He guessed guilt weighed on her shoulders too. Occasionally Jared would catch her roving her gaze over his stained shirt, then sadness glazing her eyes. Responsibility plagued him like a dull knife plunging in and out of his chest. No one here knew what caused Dade’s accident. Jared wasn’t sure what he should do or say, but knew the time would come when he’d have to be honest with everyone. It didn’t matter if anyone blamed him. He blamed himself enough for the entire Nirvana staff.

“You should go back to the ranch and change,” Sofie said in a quite tone.

“I can’t leave.” He gulped down his coffee. It settled into a mass in his stomach. He tossed the cup. “Can I get you anything?”

She shook her head. “I’m okay.”

“You should go. You’re tired. I’ll call you if I hear anything.”

“I’m staying.” She left no room for argument, not that he’d try.

The swinging doors creaked and a doctor appeared, dragging off his mask as he entered the lobby. Everyone came awake and stood up. Jared walked into the waiting area to hear what the doctor had to say. Sofie stood next to him, her hands twisted together, her knuckles ghostly white.

“Has Dade’s parents made it yet?” the doctor asked.

Chase stepped forward. He looked like hell. Worry had made his scowl deeper and circles darker under his eyes. Jared’s guilt tore deeper. “No, they haven’t. I’m his boss and I’m responsible for him until his parents get here.”

The doctor hesitated, then finally nodded. “He’s made it through the night and two surgeries. At this time, we’re not sure if he’ll walk again…”

Paralyzed…broken bones…no movement.

Jared couldn’t wrap his brain around the doctor’s words. He slumped into a chair, feeling his gut twist. It should be him lying in the hospital bed, not Dade…not the free-spirited, kind-hearted Dade that everyone liked.

When the doctor left, Jared strolled away from the crowd. He heard soft footsteps and a second later, a gentle touch on his shoulder. He didn’t need to look to know it was Sofie.

“Jared, this isn’t your fault,” she said, but he heard the doubt.

“None of this would have happened if I wasn’t keeping things a secret,” he whispered.

“We were both keeping the secret. Neither of us could have known Dade would react like he did, and our intention was never to hurt anyone.”

He turned, meeting her gaze. “Everything I touch is spoiled. I’m not good for anyone. Especially not you.” He forced the words through tight lips.

She blinked. Moisture filled her gaze. “Don’t pull away.”

“I don’t have to pull away. I’m already gone, Sofie. I heard my father say enough times that I’m a worthless, good for nothing sack of shit that can never make anyone happy. I’ve kept people at arm’s length just so I wouldn’t have his words ring true. Hell, even I know I have nothing to offer. You said yourself you wanted a child, but you wouldn’t want a fucked up gene pool like mine.”

“You’re nothing like your father, Jared. You try so hard not to allow anyone a glimpse at your kindness, but I see it. I’ve seen it over and over again. The way you’ve treated me. Your love for the staff at Nirvana. How you can’t stand to see anyone in pain. I guess I knew exactly how compassionate you were when I saw you feeding the stray that hangs out at your cabin.”

He shrugged. “Damn feline won’t go away.”

“That’s because you feed, water, and show him love.” One corner of her mouth lifted and he felt the act straight into his gut. No, he couldn’t forget the truth.

“It’s a cat, Sofie. Anyone can take care of an animal, but that doesn’t mean I’d be worthy of a family. After you told me what your ex did, I realized you need someone who will cherish you, give you everything you need and want. Who’ll be a good husband as well as a loving father. One that doesn’t dwell in the past or have his failures affect everything around him.”

“Are you saying you don’t care for me?” The tremble in her voice made his heart accelerate. He had to do this, for her sake.

“I could never say that, sweetheart. Because I
do
care for you. I’m making the best decision for both of us. If you stick with me, I’ll only make you miserable. I’ll ruin your life. Don’t you see, that’s why I live at Nirvana. I like being free, having a different sexual partner when the need arises. Just like your ex. It’s something we can’t control.” His throat constricted and he wanted to reel the words back in, but it was too late. Sadness rolled across her features and the tears she’d been holding back flowed to her cheeks in a stark reminder of the asshole that he was. But he did this for her. She would never have ended it between them because he could see the emotion flickering in her dark eyes each time she looked at him. And while she thought he was sleeping a few hours ago, she’d whispered, “I love you.” He’d kept his eyes closed, waiting for her to fall asleep next to him, nestled in the crook of his arm. He’d watched her sleep.  How peaceful she looked. He’d wanted to bury his head in her lap, confess his own emotions, but he didn’t deserve the right. He couldn’t screw up her life. Love made him see things clearer, unselfishly. Loving her, keeping her love, would be a selfish act. Eventually he’d have to face his demons, and that would be messy.

“I’m leaving Nirvana. It’s time I moved on.” The words came easily from him.

She didn’t say a word. She swiped the tears from her cheeks and blinked her red-rimmed eyes, then turned and slowly walked through the exit door that led into the parking lot. His knees wobbled and he felt sick to his stomach. Tears welled up in his eyes, but he hurried to dry them. He wasn’t a crier. He wasn’t a man who showed emotions. Just as his father told him repeatedly, “Real men don’t cry.” And if Jared shed a tear, his whippings would be harder. So he’d learned to take the pain like a man, holding his emotions tight, never giving anyone a glimpse into the compassionate side…until Sofie. She’d managed to go where no one else had ever made it, never wanted to go. She’d found a side of him that was capable of loving another person—not just loving, but giving her the life she deserved.

He looked across the lobby and met Chase’s questioning gaze. Jared knew then that his boss figured everything out. He was a smart man. Hell, Jared didn’t even care if he got fired at this point. As long as Sofie didn’t get any of the harsh feedback.

Chase stood and came Jared’s way. The man’s jaw tightened and his gaze narrowed. When he got close enough where others couldn’t hear, he said through tight lips, “What the hell have you done?”

Jared met Chase’s gaze. They were the same height, close to the same weight, and Jared wasn’t one to back down, or at least wouldn’t back down even when facing a beast like Chase. “I’ll tell you everything as long as you promise nothing happens to Sofie.”

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Jared drove his black pickup truck down the highway. Six weeks had passed since he’d left the ranch, drove home and faced his demons—or rather his father who was an old wrinkled man still sucking on the bottle. Jared had sat down with the shriveled, bitter man, and listened to him go on and on about how people mistreated him, how the government owed him something and how he could barely live. And when his father had finally quieted, Jared had said in a monotone voice, “I once hated you, from the very core of my being. I no longer despise you because hating you would evoke too many emotions within me, feelings you don’t deserve. I plan on staying here, on the farm, and making something of it. I won’t sleep in your house. I’ll sleep in the barn because I feel more comfortable there. I’ll see to it that you get the meds you need, and have a nurse come in and help take care of you.”

A moment ticked by in decades, until Franklin Zane wrinkled his nose, lifted his knarled, frail hand and flipped Jared the bird. “I don’t want you here. Don’t want your stinking hands on my land. You’re nothing but a piece of filthy trash like your whoring mother who is buried six feet in her hole.” He would have continued if it wasn’t for the coughing spat that ended with a glob of blood on the already stained white handkerchief.

Jared had stood and, as calmly as he could manage, said. “It’s not up to you. I can send you to a nursing home if you’d rather?”

“I ain’t going to no fucking nursing home, you heathen. This is
my
home. They’ll have to pry my cold, dead fingers from this chair before I leave this place,” he snarled.

“Then accept the fact that we’ll have to manage being on the same hundred acres until God sees fit to take one of us.”

Ten days later, his father died in his sleep. Just as he’d promised, the coroner had to pry his cold, dead fingers from the worn leather chair.

And now, here Jared was, meeting Sofie. She’d wanted him to come to the ranch, but he wasn’t ready to face anyone yet. He still had some work he needed to do.

He pulled into the parking lot of the diner and killed the engine, but didn’t get out. Not just yet. He saw Sofie’s car across the lot. The window was down, but she wasn’t there. He looked through the large window of the restaurant and saw her sitting in a booth, her head lowered. What was she looking at?

His heart pounded hard against his ribs. He’d missed her. More profoundly than anything he could imagine. When his father died, Sofie had been the one person he’d wanted to call, not to cry on her shoulder or weigh her down with the dirty details, but to tell her that he was working through all of the emotional damage his father had created from years of abuse. He wanted her to know that he planned to make something of the family farm—make something of himself.

But he didn’t call.

When he’d received a call from her yesterday asking him to meet with her, he’d been shocked to the tips of his boots.

Seeing her now, he was reminded of the nights he’d held her, of how giving she’d been and willing to offer her heart. He cared for her… he’d grown to love her. That night he’d driven away from Nirvana, he’d wondered if the feelings for her would eventually fade. Instead, his heart had grown three sizes bigger.

He realized he’d hurt her after Dade’s accident. He wasn’t proud of the mess he’d made. He’d told Chase everything, the other man had surprisingly understood and Jared had felt a heavy weight had been lifted off his shoulders. However, he knew growing meant taking care of the situation with his father.

He opened the truck door and slid out, dragging on his hat and situating it low against the wind. The evening was unusually cold and the breeze seeped through his flannel.

As he stomped across the gravel lot, he pondered what Sofie would say to him. Would she tell him that she was over him? Heck, maybe she’d found another man already. Things can happen quick at Nirvana.

No…not
his
Sofie. She wouldn’t have moved on this fast.

So then what?

Would she tell him that she loved him? Wanted him still? His chest filled. He could only hope, but he doubted that was the case. He’d left Nirvana without saying goodbye. No woman forgave that shit. Could he make her see that he didn’t have a choice at the time? If he’d stayed, he would never have made any real progress.

He pulled open the heavy glass door and stepped into the warmth of the room. His cheeks stung from the change in temperature. The server behind the counter greeted him and Sofie lifted her gaze, meeting his. He stopped and stared at her, needing the time to soak her in. My God, she was more beautiful than ever. Her long hair cascaded down her shoulders. Her eyes were bright and her cheeks were naturally rosy. The V-neck of her red shirt dipped low enough to give him ample view of the milky tops of her breasts. His mouth practically salivated.

Dragging his gaze upward, he needed to stay on track.

He slipped off his hat and held it to his chest as he made his way to the booth. It was like walking on death row as she continued to stare at him, her bottom lip trembling, and her eyes wide. He made it closer and her skin paled as one corner of her mouth dropped into a disappointed frown. She wasn’t happy to see him.

With a sigh, he slid into the cracked vinyl across from her, the worn Formica table separating them. Her hands were palms down, her fingers spread. Her nails were short and painted a pale pink, matching her lovely lips. He placed his hat beside him on the seat and leaned back. A spring popped, pressing into his back, but he didn’t notice much. Jared crossed his arms over his chest waiting for her to say something, but she remained quiet. He couldn’t contain his anticipation any longer. “It’s nice seeing you, Sofie.”

She nodded, her eyes narrowing into sharp slits. “I didn’t want to disturb your life—”

“You couldn’t possibly.”

Her tongue came out and moved across her bottom lip. “I just figured you had moved on.” Her voice had a faint tremor.

He pushed a hand through his hair. How could she think he’d moved on so quickly? That idea was insane. “Have you?” To imagine another man’s hands on her, stroking sweet whimpers from her made him agitated. He shifted in the seat and another spring popped up, this time poking him in the ass. That was a feeling he didn’t like. He slid across the seat a few inches.

She chuckled. Had he said something funny? She dragged her hands from the table, laying them in her lap. “Dade is in rehabilitation and doing great. Doctors don’t know if he’ll walk again—” she lowered her eyes a mere second, “—but according to Dade, nothing will keep him from trying. He’s making lots of progress.”

“I know. I speak to him every day.”

Surprise lit her eyes. “You do?”

“Dade told me the accident wasn’t my fault. That he had been acting out of stupid jealousy. Can’t say I’m over the guilt though.”

“Oh, he didn’t tell me he’d spoken with you,” she said softly.

“He probably didn’t think you needed to hear my name.”

The waitress stepped over, cracking her gum loudly. “What can I get you, cowboy?”

“I’ll take a coffee. Do you want another?” Jared looked at her almost empty cup.

“I’ll have another tea, please,” Sofie said.

“Coming right up.” The waitress went back to the counter. Jared and Sofie didn’t say anything until they had their cups in front of them.

“You look great.” He roved his hungry gaze over her. Had she gained weight? She looked different somehow.

“So do you.”

He could have easily reached under the table and took her hand, kissed her, told her that he had missed her. He could have, but he didn’t. “Sorry it took so long for me to get here. I flew in expecting to have a rental car, but they had some issues. They found me a truck instead. Can’t complain.” He rolled his finger around the rim of the cup, keeping his gaze on her, not wanting to miss any expression.

“I’m sorry you had to fly in just to speak to me. I would have come to see you, but—”

“That wouldn’t have been right. Anyway, I want to see Dade before I head back.”

“You’re not going to Nirvana?”

He gave his head a shake. “No, not this trip.”

She sipped her tea. “What are you doing now? Or should I ask?”

He chuckled. “I’m glad you did. My father died and I’m going to turn the farm around, make it a working farm again.”

She set her cup down with a crack. “I’m sorry, Jared.”

“He didn’t die before he and I shared a father-son chat like the good ol’ days. Just this time he was too old and frail to slap me around.” Wow…he felt no anger, nothing but truth. That was a relief and showed him how much he’d overcome. Working on his own land had helped.

“Are you able to live there without feeling resentment?”

“There’s almost a sense of freedom being there without him.” He rubbed his smooth jaw. He’d shaved just for her. “Enough about me. I want to hear about you.”

She lifted a shoulder, then let it slump. “Things are crazy.”

“I bet they are. The ranch is open year round now. If I have to guess, you’re pretty busy out there.”

“Steady. The hands are making it work. Chase hired two more, one is a woman. Her name is Moon.” She smiled and some of the twinkle returned to her gaze.

He whistled through his teeth. “A female hand? Wow, things really are changing.”

“It’s not the same though.” There went the sparkle.

“Look, Sofie—”

She held up a hand. “Believe it or not, I understand why you left. It hurts that you did, but we said our goodbyes at the hospital. I even understand that you needed to find yourself.”

He squinted. “Why do I feel like there’s a but coming?”

“Because maybe there is.”

****

She tugged at the neckline of her shirt. Why did the tunic suddenly feel two sizes too small? Maybe that’s because it was. Having Jared near, seeing him again only reminded her of how depressed she’d been since he’d left…and how much she loved him.

It had taken a few weeks just to get out of bed. Chase had understood, and even Kaycee had been a good friend.

Life had felt, well, empty without Jared. Nirvana no longer satisfied something within her. That’s why she’d decided she needed to turn in her resignation, especially now that she had another life to take into consideration. Touching her slightly mounded stomach, her heart kicked up in speed. A baby—their baby. She was too early to start showing much, but she knew every single change in her body. Her swollen abdomen would only get larger as time passed. Looking across the table, she took in every masculine line of Jared’s face. She’d wanted to tell him about the baby. Couldn’t count the number of times she’d picked up the phone. She was braver than this, but each time she backed away. Would he tell her he wasn’t interested in becoming a family man? Being a father. He’d basically already said those words at the hospital that horrible day when he’d pushed her away. Would he think she’d gotten pregnant on purpose?

She picked up her cup and the tea sloshed over the rim. Dang nerves. She hurried and put the cup down before she dropped it.

“Maybe I should have just told you over the phone.”

“But you didn’t and I’m here,” he said.

“This isn’t easy,” she whispered.

“I don’t think anything in our relationship…I mean, what we shared was easy.” He showed no emotion in his features. “I have a feeling you need to just blurt it out.”

She wrapped her hands around her cup, needing something to hold onto. She blinked and forced her emotions back, promising herself that she wouldn’t cry. Strength was the only thing she had on her side. The truth lifted in her throat. “I’m pregnant, Jared.”

The light flickered above their table. She’d almost thought she’d imagined that she’d said the words aloud because he sat there for the longest time, staring at her with no response. Then his brows scrunched and his lips thinned. “What?”

Clearing her throat, she forced the words again. “I’m pregnant.”

His tan faded. “I-I’m the father?”

She sighed. “Of course you’re the father.”

“Okay…I mean, yes, of course. Pregnant? Like a baby?”

“It’s certainly not a piglet.”

“I-I don’t know what to say,” he stammered.

She blew out a breath, feeling all hope dissipate. Why had she done this face to face? It would have been easier on the phone and then, when he told her he wasn’t interested, she wouldn’t have to see his disappointed expression. “You don’t have to say anything. I knew I had to do the right thing and tell you, but that’s where your obligation ends.”

“So, you plan to keep it?” Lines deepened around his mouth. Would he be sick?

“Of course I plan to keep the baby.” Her body shook so hard she thought she might pass out. Dizziness washed over her and she counted to ten, forcing her lungs to work. “Many other single women have managed raising children alone.”

“With difficulty,” he muttered.

She narrowed her gaze on him. “Thank you for your words of confidence.” She reached inside of her purse, grabbed a couple of bills and tossed them on the table. “This was a bad idea. I’m sorry you came all of this way for nothing.” She started out of the seat, but he touched her wrist, pausing her.