So. Long.: Bad Boy Next Door (18 page)

It might be the confrontation with Matt. It might be Adam’s
timing. It might be that I’m a horny bitch who craves Adam’s cock more than I
should. But for whatever reason, I toss out any ideas of holding him at a
distance as I throw my arms around him, meeting his kiss.

I stand, pushing my desk chair back as I stretch my arms
above my head. A couple of side bends and a roll of my head in a circle each
way help loosen the stiff muscles I have from sitting for hours, clacking away
at the keyboard.

A high-pitched giggle erupts from outside. I push my fingers
through the blinds, opening them enough to catch a glimpse of pink swishing by.

I yank the cord, and the blinds draw up. Clarissa sits on
Adam’s shoulders, hanging on to his ears like reins as she guides him left and
right at her whim. Spike bounces around Adam’s legs, almost tripping him as he
gallops across the yard like an idiot horse.

At three and a half, Clarissa has yet to speak her first
words, but she giggles like a maniac every time Adam pretends to knock into
something—the car at the curb, the tree, the bush next to the house. Suddenly, his
face is at my office window, his nose smooshed against it. His tongue slides up
the glass, and then he kisses it, giving me a wink as my daughter squeals in
delight.

Tears sting the backs of my eyes, though I don’t know why.
It’s lovely that he’s so sweet with her. Nice that he plays with her and
doesn’t seem to mind that she doesn’t talk yet.

It’s been five weeks of sneaking around Clarissa’s schedule
and fucking like rabbits.

We’ve screwed our way through several boxes of condoms, and
Adam hasn’t had any difficulty finding satisfaction since that time right here in
my office. I’ll never look at this desk again without thinking of Adam pounding
away inside me, breaking through his barriers. And me, knowing that I was the
one who helped him do it.

The thought warms me and sends tingles to my girly parts.

He texts. He calls. He sneaks in after Clarissa has gone to
bed and leaves before she wakes in the morning. Every time he smiles at
Clarissa, all the times she grins back at him like he’s hung the stars in the
sky just for her, and each time he speaks my name, I get this smooshy feeling in
the middle of my chest. And the more it happens, the more I know—I have to stop
this.

My flood of words hasn’t ceased since Adam and I—well, since
whatever
this
is happened, and I’m grateful. However, I can’t do this
any longer. As much as I enjoy Adam, as much as he makes me feel things I’ve
not felt in so long, and even as much as Clarissa seems to love him, the time
has come.

My stomach squeezes. I plop back into my seat and lean
forward, waiting for this recurring uneasy and sorta queasy feeling to pass.

I lie in his strong arms every night, wondering when it will
end. I wake in the mornings with a spiked cannonball weighing heavily in my
gut, until it makes me sick enough that I puke trying to relieve the stress of
waiting for him to walk away.

Something has to be done because after what Matt and Marcy
put me through, I—I can’t go through that kind of pain again.

And Adam? There is no doubt in my mind that this man will
obliterate me when he leaves.

And he will leave.

Eventually, they
all
leave.

My phone vibrates on my desk. I pick it up and swipe my
finger across Leigh’s smile at the bottom of my screen.

“Hey. How’s the writing going?”

“Pretty well, actually.”

Leigh squeals. “Yay! Finally. I knew you could do it.”

“Thanks. I appreciate your belief in me. Adam has turned out
to be a great muse.” My stomach churns, and I let out a sigh. “But—”

“
But
?”

“It’s time I cut him loose.”

“What? Why ever would you do that?” Her voice sounds
positively horrified.

“I think he’s with me for the wrong reasons, and we’re
heading in different directions.”

“What the fuck does
that
mean?”

Oh, jeeze Louise.

I can’t tell her that I’m the first woman with whom Adam’s
been able to climax since his injury. It seems—wrong somehow. Personal things
like that shouldn’t be blabbed, even to best friends.

If she knew, then she’d understand that Adam has likely only
been with me for as long as he has because he’s probably afraid he might not find
release with someone else. And of course he’ll stick close—for a while, anyway.

But I don’t want him hanging around until he gets brave
enough to try with some other woman. I want a guy to be with me because he
can’t stand the idea of life without me.

I flop into my chair. “It means he’s not looking for the
same things I
should
be looking for. He doesn’t have any desire to have
a long-term relationship. I’m only a convenient fuck-buddy. And Clarissa is
completely enchanted with him. She’ll be heartbroken when he moves on.”

“She’ll be, or
you’ll
be? And how do you even know he
doesn’t want the same things as you? Have you asked?”

I struggle to find the words as I rub the ache at my temples

A long silence is broken by Leigh’s exasperated sigh. “You
haven’t asked him, have you?”

“No. But that would make him feel trapped. I don’t want any
man to ever feel trapped. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me
because they
want
to be with me, not because I pushed them into
something they don’t really want.”

“Why would he feel trapped by your asking if he wants a real
relationship?”

“Look, he’s told me in the past that he doesn’t want kids. I
have a kid. And not just
any
kid. I have one that needs—extra.”

“Sounds like a massive load of shit to me.”

“Well, either way. I have to let him go. I need to find
someone who wants the same things I do—a loving, long-term relationship. And I
can’t be fucking him while I’m dating other guys and trying to find the man of
my dreams, now can I?”

I wait, but the only answer I get is Leigh’s groan of
frustration.

Finally, she says, “Look, you know I love you. Whatever you
do, I’m behind you one hundred percent. Okay, maybe eighty percent on this one.
You know what I mean. But—”

“There’s always a
but
.” My shoulders slump.

“
But,
it seems to me that if Adam makes you happy
right now, then maybe you should take what you can get. It’s more than
some
have.”
She coughs extra-hard, probably to indicate herself.

“You might be right. But I have to think of Clarissa.”

“Don’t fuck yourself out of something amazing because you’re
too scared to see where it might lead.”

My mind scrambles to find the words that will convince her I
know what I’m doing. Maybe I’m trying to convince me too. “I’m not afraid—really.
I have to make a wiser choice this time around. I made a terrible mistake with
Matt. I won’t do it again. I have to be smarter. Lean more on my mind, less on
my wants and stupid wishes.”

My mouth waters, but not in a good way—more like it’s
preparing to wash itself once my stomach is done turning inside out.

I toss up my breakfast into the toilet, flushing it down
along with every last shred of doubt I had that I’m doing the right thing.
Staying in this relationship, not knowing when Adam will bolt, is making me
physically ill.

I lie on the floor, pressing my forehead against the silent
porcelain. The porcelain that doesn’t judge. Porcelain that is, thankfully,
clean because I’ve been feeling weird and scrubbing everything in my life. As
though that will rid me of all problems. If it’s clean, it
must
be all
right.

Dragging my phone from my back pocket, I do what I’ve needed
to do for a week and have put off because I’m not only a coward, but also
because I’ve not been ready to give him up. Even though it’s the right thing to
do.

I text Adam.

-Can I see you?-

I have just enough time to hurl once more before his reply
comes back.

-Come over tonight around seven. I’ll make dinner.-

The word
dinner
conjures thoughts of food, which
induces another round of vomit.

Guilt puke.

Who the hell has ever puked because of guilt?

Me.

If ever there was anyone who’d puke out of guilt, it would
be me.

-No. Don’t go to all that trouble. It was my idea. Let me
treat you.-

I drag myself to the sink and brush my teeth.

My phone vibrates from the floor.

The screen lights with Adam’s text.

-Just come over here. Seven. Don’t be late.-

I rinse and lean over the counter, staring at my haggard
reflection. My hair is stringy.
M
y skin is
sallow. I need another shower.

Chloe jumps up onto the counter, tail swishing, big green
eyes gazing at me as though to berate me for my bad behavior.

“Stop looking at me like that. It’s for the best.”

She gives a loud meow as if to say,
“Are you stupid?”

* * *

I swallow hard as I raise my hand to knock on Adam’s door.

He answers, a kitchen towel thrown over his shoulder and an
oven mitt adorning one hand.

He leans down and lays a soft kiss on me, nipping my bottom
lip before he lets go. “Come on in. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.”

The smell of grilling steak permeates the air and my stomach
clenches. I flatten my hand over it. Now is not the time to let my nerves get
the better of me.

I can do this. It’s best for all of us.

Adam heads toward his kitchen. “Where’s Pipsqueak?”

“She’s spending the night with Leigh.”

He stops abruptly, and I almost run into him, but he turns
and catches me in his strong arms. “Ah. Even better.”

His mouth comes down, and his tongue glides along mine. An
immediate rush of warmth makes a throbbing beeline to my pussy. I sink against
him and devour the feel of his arms around me.

This is the last time he’ll hold me.

That thought is almost enough to make me change my mind
right here and now.

No. I have to be strong.

I push away, patting his pecs. “Hello to you, too.”

Choose wisely, dumbass. Choose wisely.

Adam’s brow furrows, but he returns to the stove rather than
call me on my weird behavior. “Since the Pipsqueak didn’t come with you, make
sure you take that sack home with you. It’s just some things I saw when I was
out getting dinner stuff that I thought she’d like.”

I follow him to the kitchen. I peek into the pink gift bag
perched on the edge of the island. Colorful gumballs, a tiny paddle-ball, a
yo-yo, and a miniature coloring book stare at me from the bottom of the sack,
accusing me of treachery.

My throat tightens.

His table is set with linen napkins and wine glasses and
even a candle adorns the center, flanked by two small bud vases stuffed with
wildflowers.

I close my eyes, dragging in a deep breath.

Good Lord. He did all this work to make a nice dinner, and
I’m about to tell him to take a hike.

Adam spins the grill tongs on the end of his finger,
catching them mid-air when they almost fall. Then he nabs a bottle from the ice
bucket. “Wine?”

I swallow the lump in my throat, my stomach knotting itself
thrice over.

The last thing I need to do is add alcohol. “Thanks, but
I’ll pass.”

When we sit to eat, I lay my napkin in my lap and smooth it
over my thighs, then I pick it up and turn it the other direction and do it
again.

Adam casts me a wary look. “Did you kick Spike on your way
inside?”

What the hell? “Why would I do that?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. You kinda look like you kicked a
puppy and are feeling bad about it.”

I cut a piece of my steak and shove it into my mouth, buying
some time.

Eventually, Adam’s plate is empty, and mine looks like an
armadillo has been rooting around in my food.

He stands and reaches for my plate. I snatch it away and
rush to the sink, dumping the contents down the disposal and flipping the
switch as though I’m in a race.

Adam comes up behind me, his warm body enveloping mine from
behind as his arms come around my waist and he pulls me against him. “Want to
tell me what’s going on?”

Leigh’s words drift through my mind
. “How do you even
know he doesn’t want the same things as you? Have you asked?

He gives me a light squeeze as if to remind me he’s waiting.

I pull in a deep breath, preparing to make one last-ditch
effort to salvage what was lost before it started.

“I have a question—it’s not a trick, and I’m not necessarily
talking about
me
or
right now
, but…”

He turns me to face him. “
But
?”

“Do you think you’ll ever settle down? Get married? Have
kids? Or would you even want to?”

In less time than it takes a flea to jump, he’s on the other
side of the kitchen, his hand rubbing the back of his neck.

“Sorry. I was just curious.” I let out a ragged breath. “I—I
think you and I are heading in two different directions.”

His grin is as charming as ever. “The only place I’m heading
is to the bedroom, once the dishes are in the sink.”

“Yeah. I know. That’s the problem.” I force a smile.

His brow furrows. “It wasn’t a problem the last forty or
fifty times we’ve—you know.”

I lift one shoulder. “I know. But I have Clarissa. I should
be looking for a
real
relationship, not just someone to curl my toes.”

“I curl your toes, eh?” The mischief in his voice deepens my
guilt.

I shake my head. “You’re a mess.”

“But a toe-curling mess?”

Heat sweeps to my cheeks as I roll my eyes and let out a
sigh. “Yes. But that isn’t enough.”

His mood shifts, and his gaze drops to the floor. “Am I ever
settling down or getting married? I don’t know. Having kids? That’s an even
bigger mystery. I can’t tell you where I’ll be this time next month, much less
five or ten years down the road. I’m taking life one breath at a time.”

The cold, familiar hand of reality grabs my heart, slowing
it and filling me with regret that I’m not in a different place in life—a place
that would allow me to be along for the ride. I wish I had the freedom to take
life as it comes, not worrying about the future, mine or anyone else’s. But I
don’t have that freedom. When Clarissa came along, that was the end of that.