Society Rules (21 page)

I
will
be
silent
for
now,
he whispered breezily into her thoughts,
but
I
am
always
here.

Indie heard the bus before it was visible, as it made its way down the street. She felt the squeezing pressure around her heart intensify, and enter into a lightheaded mode. Maybe she was hyperventilating. Consciously, she slowed her breathing.

The bus pulled up in front of the house, and came to a stop with a wheeze. Indie watched as the little feet of her children appeared, visible from under the bus.

First Cassidy’s purple high-tops, and then Jake’s brown Timberland’s locked step as they made their way around, preparing to cross the street.

They walked together, the two blond heads bouncing in unison, backpacks heavy on their little backs. Moving steadily toward the house; toward the heartbreak she had waiting for them.

Some after school special this was.

Indie felt her stomach lurch.

She made an effort to compose her face into what she hoped would be an expression of nonchalance. Cassidy stopped directly in front of her.

“What’s wrong, Mommy?” she asked at once.

Well,
we’re
off
to
an
immediate
start.

“Let’s go inside, baby, okay?” Her voice was shaky, and she coughed to clear it. The twins stole a glance at each other, and followed her into the house.

“All the way in!” She tried to speak in a normal voice. Both children had come to an abrupt halt right inside the doorway.

“Mommy . . .” Cassidy began once more. Indie held up her hand. “No, just wait and listen, okay? Everything is going to be okay, I promise.” She pointed at the couch, and they both dragged their feet as they crossed the living room. Jake sniffed the air, and looked around uneasily.

Oh
my
God.
Could
they
smell
him,
too?
Indie wondered desperately.

Cassidy continued to look at her mother expectantly; her clear, intelligent eyes focused sharply on hers. Indie cleared her throat, and decided on a quick precision cut to open the subject. She would then focus on how to explain
why
Mommy and Daddy were not going to be together any longer.

“Daddy and I are going to be separated. He doesn’t know it yet, but it has to be this way, and I will be telling him tonight, but I don’t want you to worry, he will always be part of your lives”.

Okay. She had thrown it out there in a mad rush.

Indie opened her eyes, not realizing until that moment that she had closed them.

Cassidy was now staring at the floor, but Jake was looking at her in the oddest way. Resigned? She couldn’t be sure, but she was afraid to ask.

“Daddy will be very hurt,” said Cassidy, in a faint voice. Indie bit her lip, hard.

“You know, I don’t want that . . . but there is no other way. Even if I tried to stay with Daddy now, it wouldn’t be fair to him.” He deserved someone who was truly in love with him . . . or at the very least, someone who had not been swept away into full-blown love by a complete stranger.

“Couldn’t you try?” Cassidy asked, miserably.

“No, baby,” Indie shook her head sadly. “I can’t do that to him.” Or myself either, she thought selfishly.

Jake finally spoke. He addressed his words, however, to Cassidy. “You know she’s been trying really hard to love Daddy the right way for a long time. Maybe she couldn’t do it for a reason.” He then looked at his mother.

“Daddy loves her,” Cassidy whispered.

“He’s never loved her the right way, either!” Jake retorted.

Indie felt the tears spring into her eyes, and felt a rush of overwhelming love for the little boy on her couch.

He knew.

To have the fact that she had never been loved “the right way”, blurted out in confirmation to everything she had felt all along, was almost unbearable.

“He loves her more than you think,” Cassidy said to Jake. Then looked at Indie. “More than both of you think.” She sighed. “He’s just not good at showing it, because he just doesn’t . . .
see
you clearly!”

Whoa.

Indie backtracked. How did she get here in this conversation with her nine year olds? She had not meant to have a discussion on this level, nor about this sort of thing with them.

“Look, this is not your father’s fault . . . it isn’t anything he did or did not do.” She hesitated. “It’s not my fault either, really, but I am afraid that Daddy is not going to see it that way.”

“But what will happen to us?” Cassidy asked in a small voice.

“You both will be okay. Daddy and I will have to work out an agreement on handling . . . joint custody arrangements.”

This statement made her sick; as if somehow, it made it too real. Indie did not want to think about it. She wished that she could just pack up and run out the door without a second thought, but that wasn’t an option with children involved.

Trying to soften the meaning of the words, she knelt in front of her children.

“What I am saying, is that you will not lose either of us. I will do anything I have to do, to make sure that you are still raised by both me
and
Daddy. He will always be a part of our family.”

As
soon
as
he
can
come
to
terms
with
that
idea.

Indie couldn’t bear to see their little faces, crumpled in pain. Mostly, it was Cassidy. Jake seemed sad, but more accepting.

“I just want you to be happy, Mommy!”

More tears.

Indie heard Will’s truck pull into the driveway and her intestines twisted around themselves.

“Okay, guys, into your rooms until I call you, please.” She hugged them both, and pushed them toward the hallway. Cassidy quickly glanced at Max, who had poked his head out from under the couch. The dog trotted instantly into her room.

Indie knew that Cassidy derived comfort from her pet, and was glad that she had him now. She was probably needing more than a little comforting right now.

Her heart began pounding violently. To shake it off, she drew a deep breath, and then walked to the door. Will walked in and set down his briefcase, looking up in surprise.

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” he said, looking around.

“Didn’t you see my car in the driveway?” Indie asked in a wavering voice.

“Oh, sorry. I guess I didn’t notice.” He looked exhausted. Distracted. The usual.

Indie tried not to feel annoyed. Will had to be the
most
unobservant person in the history of mankind.

Does
my
vehicle
now
have
the
‘gift
of
invisibility’
also?
She thought, exasperated. Indie swallowed her irritation.

How could she be so cruel? She was about to blindside poor Will.

“I need to talk to you right away,” she spoke quickly, before he could ask what she was making for dinner. She would start screaming if he continued to act as if nothing was wrong, although obviously, he couldn’t know what was about to happen.

“Indie, please. Can I get in the house first?” He sounded tired and a little annoyed.

This hurt. Indie rarely imposed on his time.

Shouldn’t
he
be
able
to
look
at
my
face;
see
the
stress
and
tension
there?
Shouldn’t
he
be
asking
me
what’s
wrong?
She thought with despair.

Indie pushed away the resentment. He couldn’t help it, could he? He was just being Will.

Fine.

No problem. She could just suck it up, like she always did.

“Yes, put your stuff down and come into the living room, please.” She decided that she was going to have to break out her “listen to me” voice.

He shuffled around her and she walked into the living room and sat down on the couch to wait. After a moment, she heard the sound of the shower and clutched at her temples in frustration. He had decided to take a shower while she sat; trying to figure a way to tell him she was leaving him. It was almost funny.

Almost.

Indie sighed, sat back on the couch, and continued to wait.
Jackson,
she whispered silently.

I’m
here,
was the instant response. She closed her eyes.

Just
checking
 . . .
and
don’t
listen
to
this.

I
won’t,
my
love.

And
don’t
leave
me,
either!

Tight laughter.

Leaving
would
be
impossible,
even
if
I
were
so
inclined,
which
I
am
not.
Be
strong
 . . .
I
don’t
think
he
is
going
to
take
this
well.

Don’t
you
know?
Indie asked, surprised.

No
 . . .
I
have
an
idea,
but
my
senses
are
not
yet
complete
either.
Oh. Indie thought on that for a moment. She heard the shower shut off, and the stress plowed into her like a dagger thrown from across the room.

Will came into the living room, redressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, smelling wonderful . . . Calvin Klein’s Escape.

One of Indie’s favorites. But the reason he owned it, was because she bought it, of course. His sandy blond hair was dark with dampness, and he disarmed her with a smile.

A real one.

“What’s up?” Will’s voice was light, more relaxed now.

What was going on? Why wasn’t he being his normal, distant self? Oh, sure enough, he wasn’t about to make this easy for her, was he?

“Um . . . God Will, I don’t exactly know where to start,” Indie floundered. It was a struggle just to find her voice.

“I guess just spit it out, huh?” he said, still in a good-natured tone. Indie recoiled internally at what she was about to do.

Okay. He was right, actually.

She tried to remember the tactic. A quick precision cut was always better than a slow jagged one, right? Or maybe like ripping off a Band-Aid . . . right before you throw it away.

She was going to die somewhere in the middle of this. She was positive. It was going badly already.