Sojourner (28 page)

“That’s not true,” Lev argues.  “You didn’t try to kill Jimmie.  Someone else did that.” 

Sensing my weakness, he slips his arm around me and ushers me into the truck seat and turns on the engine for the heater.  I want somebody to take this back, take back finding my father’s body.  Take back all the things I cannot control.  One hand reaches for mine and clutches it tightly.

“There’s never just darkness,” he whispers, and I lean against his chest, feeling his arm wrapping around me, my head tucked just under his chin.

“What if I can’t do this?” I whisper.  “What if I can’t take it?”

He kisses my forehead.  “You’re stronger than you realize.”

The officer approaches and begins firing questions.  As I can’t seem regain control of thoughts.  They begin with Jimmie and scatter like buckshot in so many different tangles that I can’t seem to control.  I stare ahead at nothing and keep seeing either Jimmie’s face or the news footage about my father’s body being discovered.

“We’ll finish collecting evidence but it’s going to take some time.”  He looks at me.  “Do you have any place you can stay for this evening?”

“Our families are close.  She can stay with us.”

“I’ll probably be down at the hospital with Jimmie anyway.”

The two EMT’s come outside carrying Jimmie on that board they brought in.  I stand and start toward them, but Lev pulls me back.

“Give them some room.”

The police officer opens the front door so they can carry him out to the ambulance.  One of the EMTs looks at me.  “We’re going to Grace Hospital.  You want to ride along?”

“Yes.”  I turn at look up at Lev.

“I’ll follow you.  Go ahead.”

I nod and head out to the ambulance, watching as they load Jimmie up.  The red and blue lights whirl around, bathing all the houses in that garish glow.  All the neighbors have come out and stand on their porches, watching us.  Another mark against me fitting in.

Once they settle Jimmie, the EMT nods for me to get in, and I sit next to Jimmie.  I hold his hand, thinking that it looked as though Jimmie were only sleeping and that any moment he’ll wake, and I can stop this fear that seems to be eating through me.  The vehicle rumbles forward, wailing.

“How is he?” I force myself to ask, my fingers gently stroking Jimmie’s hand.

“Stable.  I can’t be sure about any broken bones, but I’m willing to bet his ribs are probably cracked.  The X-ray will tell us what we need to know.”

More waiting.  That’s all there is.  I wait for my father’s body to turn up.  I wait for tests on Jimmie.  Now I wait for the same person who attacked Jimmie to find me.  Then I wait to lose Lev.  My heart keeps racing and I lean back, trying to steady my nerves. 

“Lizzie?”  The voice is gruff and weak.

I open my eyes to find Jimmie weakly looking at me. “Thank God,” I whisper and lean over to kiss his forehead.  Jimmie blinks two or three times before his eyes close again, and he slips back into the painful haze.

I hear a sudden long beep, and the EMT frantically rises and glares at the monitor.  I follow his gaze and see that where the line follows the spikes and valleys of Jimmie’s heartbeat, it now shows a flat line.

The EMT starts CPR.

I think of Lev and begin rocking.  “Jimmie, you’ve got to stay here.  Stay with me.”  I grip his hand harder, touching his face.  “I can’t do this alone.”

He’s so quiet, so still.  Only the EMT is moving.  The machine is screaming one long hateful note, and I can’t make it go away. “Jimmie!” I cry again.

He doesn’t answer.  I can’t take the sound of the monitor so I cover my ears and rock back and forth.  Back and forth.  I force myself to think about Lev and the place among the stars where I lingered in his arms.  Lev…. Lev….

Lev….

The darkness has never been this palpable before.  It patterns my skin, bruising every part of me, and I ache from the residue of my nightmares.  How can loss hurt this much?  I can’t lose him.

“You won’t.”  I hear Lev’s voice in my thoughts.  “Trust me.”

Silence.  Shaking, I slowly open my eyes.  I look at the monitor.  The line rises and falls like Jimmie’s heart.  I take his hand again.  He feels cold, but then again, so does everyone who isn’t Lev.

The nearest hospital is twenty miles away, and it seems to take forever before we finally pull into the parking lot.  Thankfully the driver cuts the siren as we pull into the emergency bay so that Jimmie can be unloaded into the ER. 
I am not ready for this,
I think, brushing my hair back.

I am not strong enough to lose those I love.

Chapter Eighteen

Most of the night passes in a white disinfectant blur, first in the ER, and, finally, in a hospital room where Jimmie lies with three fractured ribs, a concussion, and a broken arm.  His blood pressure is elevated, and even though Jimmie has always taken medication for it, I know it’s this town eating away at him.

One side of Jimmie’s face is swollen from where a fist probably pummeled it, and the bruising is bluish-purple I wince every time I look at it.  But at least the machines are consistently quiet and Jimmie’s EKG is a calm wave of spikes and valleys.  I lean back in an uncomfortable chair and try to rub the stress from my neck.  The muscles in my shoulders ache from sitting in the same position so long, my back unsupported.  Glancing at the clock, I realize that in about half an hour class will be starting and I won’t be there.  I refuse to leave Jimmie’s side until he regains consciousness.  Hopefully, then he’ll be able to tell me who hurt him.  At the very least, he can hear me tell him how much I love him and how much I appreciate all the things he’s done for me.

My hand rests atop his, and I’ve seen more than a few nurses wandering in and out, taking his vitals, and looking to see if anything has changed.  Already I can see sunlight seeping around the vertical blinds, creeping into the room through the frosted glass.  The room is warm enough, but I can’t seem to stop shaking today.  Jimmie is the only family I have, and I can’t fathom a life without him.

The door opens slowly, and Lev slips in, carrying a covered Styrofoam take-out box and a can of soda.  I shake my head as he shoves them into my hands. 

“You need to eat something.  You didn’t get dinner last night.”  He gestures to the platter.  “I shoved some silverware inside.”

“You didn’t have to do this,” I protest, knowing I should be hungry but I’m not.  It’s like I’m dead inside.  Maybe when Jimmie wakes up, I will too.

“Yeah, right.”  He moves to the chair on the other side of the bed.  “You have low blood sugar sometimes, and the last thing either you or Jimmie needs is for you to end up in here.”  He points to the tray again.  “So eat.”

“Yes, sir,” I mutter, carefully pulling up the lid to reveal a stack of pancakes doused with syrup, with a pile of eggs on the side.

“How did you know what I liked?”

He shrugs.  “Lucky guess.”  Reaching behind him, he gently tugs the pole to open the blinds ever so slightly, revealing a brighter sky.

“Don’t you need to go to school?” I ask.  It’s a ridiculous question, really, considering Lev is an angel.  A really old angel.  But he does have to keep up his appearances, right?

“Evan’ll call me in sick and let the school know you’re here.  Not that it will be a big secret.  I’m sure everyone, including Principal Williams, has heard the rumors by now.”

“Probably,” I glumly agree, wishing someone else’s life could fall under the microscope for a change.  I cut into my pancakes.  As the first bite hits my taste buds, I remember what it feels like to be ravenous.

I finish most of the pancakes, but by that time, I wave off the eggs and re-cover the box, feeling full and very, very tired.  I set the box on the rolling table beside the soda that Lev brought me.  I open the soda, hoping it will give me more energy.

“You look a little better, but I’ll bet taking a little walk might help wake you up.”  He picks up the box.  “Are you finished?”

“I can throw my own trash away,” I argue.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”  He carries it to the trash and sets it on top.  He stares ahead distractedly, and I can tell there is something he wants to say.

“So what’s on your mind?”  I roll my shoulders one at a time, trying to stretch the cramped feeling from them.

“Last night I overheard something troublesome.”

“Troublesome?”  I wrap my arms around my body, not liking the way that sounds.  “What do you mean?”

“Apparently before Jimmie was attacked, the neighbors across the street saw someone stop by.”

The breath catches in my throat.  “Who exactly did the Baumans see?”

“Griffin.  Mr. Bauman said that when Jimmie answered the door, they had words.  Griffin’s voice was too low for him to hear, but he heard Jimmie cussing him out very distinctly.

“So.”  I pretended I don’t understand the implications.  It’s safer that way, considering all the things that Mr. Maguire has said about Griffin.  I want to believe that the history teacher just doesn’t like him, but this…this goes beyond just not liking him.

“The police have taken him into custody, and right now it looks like some charges are actually going to be filed against him.”

I stand and pace the room, unable to believe what I’m hearing.  Although I never liked Griffin’s cocky attitude, I can’t believe he would hate me that much.  “I don’t think he did anything.”

“If it weren’t for the accident at the falls and the break-in, he wouldn’t appear guilty, but having a loud argument with someone who is later attacked only makes you look bad.”

As if Griffin needed that.

“So, how about that walk?”

I shake my head.  “I don’t want to leave before he wakes up.  He shouldn’t wake up alone.”

Lev sets his hand on my shoulder and squeezes reassuringly.  “That could be in five minutes or five hours, Elizabeth.  Jimmie’s working on his own time.  Besides, you won’t be gone long, just enough time to stretch your legs.”

“No.”  I reach up and squeeze his hand.  “He’s always been there for me, and I have to be there for him.”  My words are clipped, and sitting here, looking at Jimmie’s wounded body wrapped in that stupid gown just keeps reminding me of how close I came to losing him altogether and how close he came to losing me.

“You need a break.  At least for a few minutes.”  He takes my hand and pulls me up despite my reluctance. 

“What if he wakes up and I’m not there?”  The thought is unbearable.

“The nurses will page you.  Trust me.” 

I lean over and kiss Jimmie’s forehead before Lev leads me away.  My breath catches as I take a last look and step into the hallway, my legs rubbery from not having used them.  As we step away from the room, I feel weightless and adrift, as though I have no place. 

“You okay?” Lev asks, his fingers gently caressing my arm.

“Fine,” I reply, unsure.     

Late in that evening when darkness has claimed the sky, and the room steeps in warm glimmer of the lights, Jimmie’s eyes finally flutter open.  I don’t notice at first; I’m lost in my own world where this nightmare isn’t happening, the world where my parents are alive, and I’m not worried about fitting in.  It’s a fantasy, but that’s better than where I’m at.  In that world, Lev will always be there just as he’s been here.  He rests against the chair, my head on his chest.